Jun Dishes

Before we get started with some of my written word…as opposed to my spoken word, or rather, Semhar’s spoken word…I’d just like to go back to my blog for episode 1 really quick and quote myself as having said about Brandon: “Sigh…this is going to be fun to watch you unravel.”  And BOY did I have fun THIS episode!

Okay, so back to Semhar and her spoken word. First of all, I really enjoyed her looking and sounding like shit upon arrival to the challenge against Christine.  She looked straight-up mangy. Awesome.I’m not saying I’d look any better stranded on some dirt patch in the middle of the ocean. Shit, I’d probably look like some North Korean ladyboy who’d clawed their way over the 38^th parallel. But I never signed up for Survivor. Semhar did, as Hottie Probst reminded her, as she boo-hoo’d her sorry ass back home in poetic justice.

On the other hand, Christine showed up in all her visible hostile glory…because whether she knows it or not, her face without a smile is scary like woah.

And she tells us in all her grammatical superiority that “It’s not over yet. The fat lady has not sung.”

Sung, children…not “sang” or “sanged” or what Stacey might call “not no sung”.

Thank you Christine for always telling it like it is, in proper English.

And who but her sworn South Pacific enemy, Coach, would end up coming to be a spectator at this challenge versus Semhar…oh, Stacey joined him too.

Meanwhile, from Savaii, Ozzy and Elyse were the voyeurs.

I realize I mentioned this in my last blog, so it’s “so last week”, but I totally had a flashback to Ozzy’s Playboy debut on Foursome when I saw this particular foursome of Stacey, Coach, Ozzy and Elyse.

And then I shuddered. Yuck. Not a very sexy foursome.

So Probst tells us that this first Redemption Island challenge will be about Concentration and Balance.  Semhar, apparently hears “Concentration and Balance and Poetry” because she starts breaking out into, yes, poetry.

Probst, Coach and Ozzy all look annoyed while Stacey and Elyse and Christine just look “WTF?!”:

“There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for this man Jeff Probst,

I would even take off my clothes and give him a private show

To the tunes of the soul cause he’s all that I need and more…

I would give birth to 10 of his children without any drugs to help ease the pain

And then I would give him one more just because our love is, no I am, that insane…”

I added a couple things in there myself, namely, what’s in italics.And my god, how smug Slimy Semhar looked after her moment in the spoken word spotlight…vastly different from her crack-whore worn-out look from earlier. Freak.

But no, really, it turns out that the poem isn’t directed at ANYONE but a make-believe character. Hello Marcia Brady. Hello George Glass. Goodbye Semhar, you suck.

I enjoyed rewinding six times over your totem falling off your pole.  Even Elyse and Ozzy seemed to enjoy it as they sat back chillin’.

But it was nice of you to leave Crazy Christine a blanket. Lord knows she will need it more than Papa Bear…he’s wearing a blanket of hair already.

I, personally, couldn’t be happier with the results of the battle between Semhar and Christine. We all knew Semhar was all fluff, just like the fluff that filled her pink bra, but Wednesday night we got to see it.

What we didn’t get to see, however, was God was “chastising” Brandon. No THAT would have been a sight. I wonder what the chastising manifested itself in…a nightmare? Waking up to engorged nuts and a raging manic hard-on called Mikayla?

Brandon says he doesn’t want to “lie anymore” and he doesn’t “want to play games with these people anymore”.

Okay.

So he gathers everyone on the beach and he takes off his shirt to reveal all his “scandalous” tattoos of HANTZ HANTZ HANTZ markings (which actually weren’t that obvious).

It’s not like it said “I am Brandon Hantz, Russell Hantz’s nephew, and have I mentioned I am a member of the Hantz famly…yes the same Hantz that belongs to Russell Hantz, and I am his nephew, Brandon Hantz.”  Now, THAT would be quite a tattoo worth hiding.

No, you actually couldn’t even read one of them as “Hantz” even if you tried.

It looked more like “HATZ”.  Which made me think of “Katz” back I NYC and then it got me thinking of Katz’s pastrami and then I got sad because I’m living here all the way in Belgium and can’t get to Katz like I used to when I lived in NYC.  Sigh.

Wait. Did I just have a BB Jordan moment?  Nah. I’m gonna blame my pregnancy hormones. Fetus wants pastrami.

Back to Psycho Perv Brandon.  Yeah. So he then tells everyone on his tribe, “I’d rather make friends out here than a million dollars.”  What in the FUG. Nobody who applies to be on a show like Survivor ever wants to hear that kind of shit. Nobody.  Albert looks at him like Brandon just told him he had genital warts.Stacey let’s out a “Blam!” to go with the “Boom” from last week.  Despite her horrible capacity for real English, I really have come to appreciate her.  At least she’s not MAKING up words like “Stacefied” like BB Lawon did when he chose to speak his own kind of English.

Anywho, while Brandon’s getting more lint off his chest, Sophie continues to stare at Brandon like he’s a freshly-squashed mosquito. And Edna, well, Edna’s looking down at the ground per her usual stance. And so goes another day in Upolu Paradise.

But the drama’s not over. My favorite lingerie football gal Mikayle confronts Brandon head-on in the woods, demanding to know what his problem is with her. To which he tells her “You and me baby we ain’t nothin’ but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel” No, he doesn’t. But it would have been AWESOME If he had.  Sigh. He actually just tells Mikayla that he doesn’t like.

But Sophie figures it out anyway and tells us that Brandon would probably call Mikayla the whore of Babylon. Mmmhmmm.  And we see Brandon dragging the whore to the middle of town to be stoned to death for all her sins, yet, nobody is throwing any stones. They’re just all standing their awkwardly as Brandon is losing his shit.  And the whole time I’m wishing Crazy Christine was still there to smack the Jesus out of him.  But no, she’s back on Redemption Island.

“I love God, I love Jesus Christ,” Brandon the misogynist tells us.  But Brandon, do you love Mary?! What about the mother of Jesus Christ?!  What to you have against her…and Mikayla for that matter?!  And why are you freaking crying Brandon? Wait. You kind cry like your uncle Russell…mirror image actually.“As a Christian” Brandon is “supposed to be meek and turn the other cheek” and what, be slow to speak and love and patience seek…and help the old and weak? What’s the with rhyming?! Did the spirit of Semhar possess him with the gift of spoken word? What a freak.  I wish Brandon and Semhar would have ended up on Redemption Island. I bet she’d be willing to have his 11 babies fo’ sho’.

Yeah, so Brandon goes on to say that “Being a Christian” he “should have controlled” his temper yet he “just let his flesh get a hold of” him. I don’t know what flesh it is he’s referring to, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a few ounces of Mikayla’s flesh wrapped around his piece of flesh. OMG I’m terrible…but really, it’s “like a constant battle…good/evil, good/evil, good/evil” for me as much as it is for Brandon.  I just don’t call out to the lord with “…just…Lord, please don’t let me sin anymore”.  Isn’t anyone else concerned about those missing young ladies in Brandon’s hometown? Perhaps a search of his home and garage is in order right about now? This boy’s got Lifetime Movie of the Week written all over him!

Thank goodness we finally get some relief from Satan Hantz as we swing on over to Savaii.

We see some god-like figure emerge from the waters…oh it’s Ozzy. And he caught a fish. I thought if he might go all Biblical, since that seems to be the theme of the day, and feed 5,000 men, women and children with that one fish.

But no…he just fed his tribe.

Papa Bear, on the other hand, lay in the hammock and fret about the pecking order in his tribe.  You know…he and Dawn are the oldest blah blah blah and Cochran is a Cochran.

He feels he’s on the “Barbie Dolls and Kents” team…which is better than the “90210” reference Cochran made day one.

And come the challenge, after Savaii loses, Papa Bear again gets on his back…but from pure exhaustion this time.

Sigh. He really was worn out, the poor thing.

The challenge was a pretty cool one, albeit, bits and pieces of it repeated from past challenges.  But really, after a BB season of hanging on bananas and maneuvering balls into holes, any and all Survivor challenges are a welcome change.

“Feed the fucking rope!” we hear Ozzy scream at the top of his lungs while his team struggles to give him enough slack to run like the jungle boy he is.  Meanwhile, Brandon is busy giving props to the Lord his God while being pulled through the water by the mighty arms and legs of Sophie the Giant.

That girl is a BEAST!  And I mean this in the nicest way possible, really.  She made Rick the Rancher look like a senior citizen aka Papa Bear on that wheel.

Even Dawn steps it up this challenge, prohibiting Probst from singling her out and bullying her.  Instead, he praises Coach for being “PHENOMENAL with the grappling hooks!”

Oh Probst.  Why didn’t you find it in your heart to tell Semhar her poem was phenomenal? You realize it was dedicated to you right?  She wanna be yo baby mama…11 times over.

So after Savaii loses the challenge is when things get quite comical. We see Papa Bear shoot into the woods as if he caught a whiff of coffee and donuts from that direction (come on, we were eventually going to get an NYPD reference in there somewhere).

Then Cochran tells us Papa Bear “comes waltzing into camp with this big smile on his face and an extra large bulge in his underpants”. Woah woah.  We’re talking about a fake hidden immunity idol here. Yes.  Papa Bear attempts to go all rogue and fashion a fake idol, which we are obliged to see close-ups of, by way of his crotch. Oy-vay.We all know this doesn’t work and Papa Bear is sent packing to share lodging with Christine on Redemption Island.  This should be a good duel next week as we see the two New Yorkers go at it.

But before I leave you…WTF is up with Ozzy telling his “brother-type” Keith that he’s got the idol?! All Keith did was then go and spill to Whitney! And around and around this news will go as Ozzy, clearly, has not changed very much since we last saw him make the same mistake in the past…

But really. This isn’t about Ozzy. Right? Please tell me I’m right…