Jun Dishes

Before I begin I’ll insincerely apologize for this week’s blog being so late.

My hubby and I decided to take in a long weekend in Paris…and also meet up with Evil Dick Donato while he was vacationing there!

And again, congratulations to Dick on proposing to his beautiful girlfriend on the trip (and having her accept)!  He has now made Amy his Feyoncé!

Don’t we all look great in front of the Eiffel Tower?!

So. With that out of the way, I feel everything is back to “HUNKA-DOR-AY” as Stacey kept saying over and over again to start off the episode.

Good god, She makes up words faster than a three year old on a sugar rush! And speaking of three year olds, we see Psycho Perv Brandon crying, yet again…this time that “Mikayla has very little class and is prejudiced”. Um, okay, this coming from the freak who said day one that “it’s the good looking and seductive ones that you want to get rid of” in direct reference TO Mikayla. Whatevs Bipolar Bible Boy. Whatevs.

It is, however, Mikayla (along with Albert) who gets to watch this week’s Redemption Island Challenge between Christine and Stacey.

Stacey, who incidentally, is wearing soiled pants still.

Ahem, I’d just like to thank and blame the nice people who pointed out her poop-stained pants to me last week.

Grossness.

And from Savaii it’s Dawn and Whiteny who get to be the voyeurs…AND get a mouthful from Stacey!  Instead of bad poetry, Stacey gives us some great own spoken word and the hot topic is: “Benjamin versus Coach”.

It all starts with one innocent question from Probst: “Stacey, what’s it like for you to see your former tribemates who voted you out?”

And OMGness Stacey goes off on an incoherent but yet poetically justified tirade that took me 37 minutes and 29 rewinds to get down:

“Those are liars, so red team, look out for those right there. Ok? It wudn’t a team. It is Benjamin, Albert and Sophie. But who’s the endin’ two? Benjamin and Albert. But Benjamin is running the team. Adults call him Benjamin so…I’m not calling him Coach, so? What’s his name? What was his birthname? It wasn’t Coach it was Benjamin wasn’t it? And you know they’re children, 26, 22 they over there listening to all a Benjamin’s Halloween jokes uhhh, Chucky the Cheese jokes. They eeeyah. They want it. He going off a loyalty like got them fee oh, they was so loyalty! Come on now. Everyday gotta a story. I wudn’t buyin’ it. Eh-heh-heh-euhhh, no. So. They try like yesterday, like the tribal was all cahoots Benjamin let’s give a hoog, like, keep that hoog, bloop, for me…uz it wasn’t real.”

Semhar, eat your shallow little heart out. You got buried in the sand with the skills Stacey delivered. At least Stacey improvs, there’s no recitation there.

Christine, Probst and the rest of the crew there, for that matter, all have different looks on their faces while Stacey’s going on an on.

You can tell Mikaya and Albert are all like “OMG STFU Stacey” while Dawn and Whitney are all like “Huh?” Probst wants to laugh so bad and Christine is just laughing. Sigh, I love her.

But everyone moved on eventually and Christine beat Stacey’s ass in the challenge and all went back to HUNKADORAY in Christine’s World.

Back at camp, Mikayla and Albert report back to Benjamin, I mean, Chucky the Cheese, I mean, um, Coach…and he says he’ll go nuts if anyone calls him Benjamin to his face. Well. Is this a little look-see into the future of Upolu?

In other news, on Savaii, Elyse and Ozzy continue their courtship, which happens mostly while Ozzy is on his back apparently.

He’s probably getting way too comfortable too the point of NSTL Syndrome.

Now, I never knew about this particular syndrome, but my hubby Davy alerted me to the fact that it exists. Actually, I believe Davy coined the term NSTL here in Belgium, meaning, Nuts Stuck To Leg.

Yes. It’s true. Davy suffers from this at least once a day apparently. And he lets me know about it as it’s happening. Like, a random “NSTL!” cry out of nowhere that lets me know Davy’s suffering. And so, Davy was the one who so aptly pointed out the fact the Ozzy must be suffering from it too. So I ask you, faithful readers, do you also suffer from NSTL Syndrome from time to time? We’re all friends here. Funny shit, huh?

So anyway, NSTL boy Ozzy asks Cochran how Cochran spells his name.

All this, while Cochran is carrying in firewood in his skinny little arms so people like Elyse and Ozzy can be “wrapped up into their love blanket” (direct quote from Cochran) by the fire.

Btw, have I mentioned how much I’m loving Cochran and his one-liners?

So Cochran replies to Ozzy, “You’re not gonna have to spell that anytime soon man. Keep my name as far off from your fingers and tongue as possible.” Nice answer Cochran!!!

But Ozzy isn’t done quite yet. He doesn’t know when to stop actually.

When Dawn and Whitney return and report on their Redemption Island findings, Ozzy goes and announces his future plans. Well, basically. He says that Coach should really get rid of Albert.

Um, Jim catches on to this and quickly deduces this to mean Ozzy will be cutting one of the “stronger” boys on Savaii as well.

Later we see Jim using this little Ozzy slip-up when talking strategy with Keith. Jim wants Keith to wake up and smell the Ozzy.

Keith…btw, is looking more and more like Lisa Rinna as the days go by.

But more on Ozzy, really, since he is the star of Survivor. Right? Yeah. Well, he also goes on to tell us it’s not easy to catch the fish even if he makes it look easy.

Snort. Whatevs.

He says “it’s like underwater yoga”. Great.

No, but really, I know I could never do what he does. But still. Snort.

Cochran snorts with me though when when he tell us that what we’re seeing now is just “middle-aged Ozzy who has a few moments of glory each day where he runs out and gets us some fish but otherwise he’s just a lazy ass”.

My god, I think I’m developing a crush on Cochran.

Meanwhile, back on Upolu. Albert is on the Immunity Idol Watch and I’m on Crotch Watch.  I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You put grown men in briefs running around on an island and I can’t help but let my eyes go there.

Nice package Albert, and good job finding the clue to the immunity idol.

Why on earth you’d go and tell Coach and Sophie about it I don’t know…but you did, partly because you couldn’t find the idol itself, but now you’ve gone and let Coach find it. Sigh.

Thank goodness we cut to the Immunity Challenge of the day because I’ve just about had it with these castaways at this point.

Bread. Brandon gets excited for the bread that can be won at the challenge. Yes. The challenge. The grosses challenge ever.

One roasted pig per tribe to be sacrificed in free-for-all carnage.

We got some very disturbing images of everyone ripping little Wilbur’s carcass apart.

Salutations indeed!

Swapping spit and broken teeth (yes, Dawn lost half a molar) and dirt off the floor and snot and pig meat everywhere! Part of me expected to see that loser dude Adam from BB13 to pop out of nowhere and collect his bacon. Ugh. I shudder at the thought of him and all the gross shit that happened during this challenge.

Yet I still wanted some roast pig after seeing it all. From Chinatown.

Yum.

Roast pig dipped in some sweet hoisin sauce. Sigh. I must be pregnant.

11 weeks and 3 days to be exact actually.

And Fetus wants some pig!

Btw, I realize it’s highly inappropriate talking to you about “Fetus” here while talking about a roast pig that was freshly torn apart, but hey, when am I ever appropriate?

Wanna see my fetus? It was looking right at us during the ultrasound yesterday…with its little hands by its side (the two little dots you see in the picture).

Cute huh?! Yeah.

Well that little thing wants some roast pig!!!

But okay, yeah, back to the challenge. Hearing Probts yell “Ozzy trying to get in there and get deep. Get something big going” made me cringe.

And yes, of course, this is where I’ll drag in the fact that Ozzy did that show on Playboy way back when where he was actually getting in there deep with something big going on. Yeah. It was pretty big. At least Ozzy’s got that going for him.

Anyway, after all is said and done…even after Dawn even went mouth-to-mouth with Keith in an effort to rip pork that was dangling from his teeth, Savaii lost. All the pig meat they tore off came in at 22 pounds and 12 ounces.

And Upolo beat them by a whopping 2 extra ounces and I bet it came from Coach snagging that last piece of meat out of Edna’s mouth.

So Upolu won all the spices and veggies and bread Probst had to offer them.

PLUS, they got to take all the pig they spit out back to camp!

Cool! Ewwwww!

So back on separate camps, Brandon cooked up a meal for Savaii and Cochran brought up oral herpes to his fellow members of Upolu.

“You haven’t lived until you’ve had a cold sore,” Cochran says. Holy Funny Shit.

And some more funny shit. Elyse gets blind-sided and booted while Ozzy sits there bewitched, bothered and bewildered while the whole thing goes down.

Basically Dawn, Cochran and Jim vote Elyse out while Keith and Whitney chicken out and vote Dawn so that Ozzy is the only one to write “Coch-TRAIN” (in his attempt to be clever…like, your ride is over Cochran…except, it’s not your ride but Elyse’s ride).

Yes, Ozzy proves to be a tool.

The same tool whom we see in the previews telling Savaii that he is not a “free agent” like WTF does that mean?!

There are only two tribes and we haven’t merged yet Ozzy! What, are you going to form an alliance with the dead fish you caught?! Um, newsflash, nobody on your tribe actually likes you much anymore!

Buh-bye Elyse. Good luck against Christine.