Jun Dishes

WELL.  Wasn’t last night just full of good tv scheduling?! The Academy Awards…Celebrity Apprentice…Real Housewives of Atlanta… even “Hillbilly Handfishin” on Animal Planet! And to think I was six hours ahead of all of it…deep into some crazy hormonal pregnant dreams in Belgium.

But now that I’m all caught-up with last night’s episode of The Amazing Race, I can weigh-in:

It always surprises me to see just how close some of the teams finished the prior leg of the race. With all the editing on TAR, they’d have us believing anything…but then we see that Team Brenchel and Team Border Patrol were only minutes behind Team Reconnect at the end of the first leg. I thought there was a bigger time differential. But then again I also thought Team Brenchel would be ALL OVER the third choice in this episode’s Roadblock… Boil My Water, Start My Fire, or Blow Me On Livefeeds, but Brenchel ended up choosing “Boil My Water” like most of the other teams did…

So this second leg starts with all the teams jetting off with their clues only to find that they must wait until sunrise to get their next clue. How annoying. I always wonder why CBS does this. It’s like snagging the hottest guy at the bar only to find out he’s got lethal halitosis. Seriously.

Oh, and what didn’t surprise me was the welcome Team Guido got from, you guessed it, Team-of-One-Douchebag Brendon upon their arrival at the next clue”box”.  “NY in the house…we’re still alive baby!” is what Team Guido shouts and I found myself cringing because I know they do actually hail from New York like I do.

Oy. No wonder they all get along even now…I wonder how Brendon’s doing in his cancer research. Really.

TEAM CLOWNS: Speaking of cancer (which is as horrible as it sounds as it is to type it), we learn at the start of this episode that Dave is a two-time Hodgkin’s disease survivor and has been cancer-free since 2001.  I’m sure the producers were saving this piece of information for later but given the fact that these two were eliminated, of course, fed this to us now.

The whole “a watched pot never boils” turning their backs on their kettle was cute.  And although they were annoying, I can’t say I’m surprised that they were eliminated.

Dave and Cherie sucked at TAR but they really win in life for the love and respect they have in marriage.  Did you see how patient Team Clowns were with each other despite the fact that they just couldn’t get their shit together?!    Team Brenchel could learn LOTS from them.

Here’s to Dave living cancer-free and getting to where these two are.

TEAM KENTUCKY: Was I the only one impressed that they were the first to grab the clue from “Chasqui” (WTF is a chasqui?!)?! Honestly, I think it’s because Mark stood out to the poor dude on the donkey considering he’s the tall-AND-ONLY-BLACK-MAN of the TAR group. Whatevs.  Work what you got, right? They finish this leg in a very very respectable THIRD place.  And just to show you all how mature I can be, I’m not even gonna rip them apart for teaming up with Team Brenchel at the cow-math challenge. Hmph.

TEAM BRENCHEL: Okay, maturity is out the window again so I can get down to what happened with this twosome.  That was short-lived.

So…Brendouche steals the clue out of Team Border Patrol’s hands as the chasqui is handing it over and thus starts the drama between these two teams.

We hear Art say to JJ “He’s a UCLA student what do you expect?” about Brendouche.

And we learn their nickname for Team Brenchel is simply “Big Brother”.  Good to know.

Team Brenchel continue the race and it’s déjà vu with Rachel whining things like “I’m sorry I’m not good at this, I’m sorry I’m just a girl…”and ““You know I’m not smart as you!” and other pro-Santorum sentiments that make me wish she had been a child of the 1950s.

I wonder if Rachel knows who Betty Friedan is…or that “The Feminine Mystique” is not a douche (like Brendon) but a gift to society disguised as a book.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t take long before the duck-lipped crying dramatics-and-bickering-then-publicly-apologizing begins for Team Brenchel, including an intermission during which Rachel let’s Brendon know “You have a booger on your nose” to which he responds “Oh, okay, thank you” and wipes said booger off with his hand.

Um, Phil, if you’re reading…please get yourself a gallon of hand sanitizer. STAT.

Sigh.  Despite everything Team Brenchel finishes this leg in FOURTH. Nicely done. And it looks like next week we get to see some real drama between Rachel, watermelons and Vanessa of Team Divorcees. Can’t wait.

TEAM FEMFEDS: So these two ladies are still in danger of being renamed “Team Forgettable”, because, well, they’re forgettable.  They seem to be keeping up their charades as “teachers”, having added “kindergarten” to their lie. Not that it matters. Even if they did “reveal” that they’re federal agents, I don’t think anyone would believe them at this point anyway with Jamie throwing out one-liners like “It’s hotter than…shenanigans”. Really Jamie, that’s the best you’ve got? No f-bombs? Although you did remind me of “Waiting”…and I did enjoy watching that movie, twice. You came in SIXTH at the end of this episode. You still live. But you got lucky because the the bus ahead of you ended up delayed two hours. Step it up ladies!

TEAM RECONNECT: So Blonde Rachel and her hubby start out and end VERY STRONG again this episode, finishing in FIRST yet again.  We get a glimpse into some of their issues with the whole “reconnect”ing thing as they have some kindergarten dialogue. “Is it worth being Crabby Pants about it?” asks Rachel and Dave replies, “I’m not being Crabbypants.” Riveting, I know.   But yet again, there’s some inter-agency cooperation between them and Team Border Patrol and they help each other at the cow-math challenge.  And coming in first scores Team Reconnect a vacation, which will happen when they’re onto Operation Reconnect After Reconnecting.

TEAM BORDER PATROL: I’m happy to report that Art and JJ have done nothing this episode to fall from grace. They are still my favs.  Not only did they smug-honk at Team Brenchel as they left them in the dust to boil their precious water…but they even teamed up with Team Reconnect again leaving Rachel behind at the cow-math challenge.

They did get off to a rough start choosing “Start My Fire” while EVERY OTHER TEAM chose “Boil My Water” but again you could see how much these two complemented each other when Art was calming down JJ.  Like, JJ, dude…relax. Don’t be such a Rachel (Big Brother Rachel not Hobbit Rachel).

TEAM DIVORCEES: What ERA are these guys in? I mean, I like them and all…they definitely have a stronger relationship than Team Brenchel have (I know, setting the bar pretty low) but “Schnikeys!” by Ralph followed by “son of a monkey’s uncle” from Vanessa really have me questioning them.  Another thing I question is how Ralph chooses to depict the number three using his fingers. But I suppose it’s better than using his thumb, index and ring fingers.

Yes. I’m a freak. I noticed.

Vanessa…make it a good fight with Rachel next week and you can redeem yourself and your fingered-Ralph.  And try to do better than SEVENTH at the end of the next leg please. Thanks.

TEAM GUIDO: Um, yeah. So…you finished in EIGHTH after this leg, which is a step-up from last week I suppose.

Dude…Danny…perhaps instead of making fun of “The Situation” and calling yourself “The Solution” you should actually come up with a solution as to how you cab move faster and get further ahead in the race. Though you did make the right decision teaming up with Team Brothers to leave Mr. Clown back at the corral. You didn’t need to but it was still the right move.

And aside from your budding bromance with Brendouche and cutting yourself during the “Boil My Water” challenge you two were pretty much the same song-and-dance.

Zzz…

TEAM BROTHERS: Okay…so how’s the professional musician and his professional athlete brother doing? Not so good eh? You two finished NINTH this leg of the race. Like, BEHIND Team Guido.  Yeah, yeah, I’m happy for Andrew that he got to meet and get a little ball-play-action with whoever that dude was standing with Phil greeting everyone at the Pit Stop.

Though now I am curious as to who that soccer-ball-holding guy was…it was apparent he was thrilled that SOMEONE had recognized him.

It was really rather cute actually. Anyone out there know who this dude is?

TEAM COUSINS: You ladies, like Team FemFeds, got lucky with the bus situation and it helped propel you to FIFTH at the end of this leg of the race.

I believe it’s because you helped Team Guido out at the “Boil The Water” challenge by telling them where to put their missing screw (no pun intended here, really).  You even got to reapply your makeup on the bus ride. Nice!

But seriously, WTF was that little (literal) song and dance you did for Phil? Please tell me you’re not planning to do that for the remaining legs.

I can’t. No. I can’t. You have to stop that kind of shit.

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It’s nearly 1am now in Belgium…and I find myself wide awake after finishing this blog…partly because the baby is kicking up a storm in my belly and partly because all this snarky writing has jarred me awake. Sigh. Until next week…