Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

Big Brother 14: Ranking Autographs

As you all know, I write for Reality Nation and I love it.   There come perks with every job, both great and small, especially working for a Reality TV website as both a fan and writer. Regardless of the fact that I’m like a kid on Christmas morning anytime I see mail from the U.S., I was excited to see what Chelsia Hart had sent me from work.

Most recently I received, in the mail, autographed photos from five Big Brother 14 houseguests.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are the first BB alum autographs I’ve received since I won my own season. Because I’ve never asked for anyone’s autograph, really. But these were a surprise and I appreciate the fact that Chelsia got Shane, Danielle, Dan, Ian and Frank to do it.  And after a summer of saying my peace through blog, even before the Big Brother season started, the little messages above the signatures were what I loved best about the photos I got.

And so, in Power Rankings form, let’s break down the autographs just for fun:

DANIELLE: Penmanship: 40 out of 50 // Message: 40 out of 50 // Total Score80 out of 100

You are the last person I ever thought I’d be ranking so high, but alas, it’s your autograph that scores highest here.

Your “round” handwriting, that I always found common in the most annoying of young girls, is easy to read and autograph-friendly.  “Hey Jun! Thanks for being you! :)” was your message to me.  I’m impressed. That’s probably the most diplomatic and fool-proof line one could use before a signature. I can appreciate that. Especially after an entire summer during which I shred you to Big Brother pieces, you refrained from accusing me of being jealous of you and your awesomeness. Carry on.

I hope post-BB life is treating you well.  I’m sure you had a lot of explaining to do to a lot of people.  But just remember, those who know you best need no explanation.

IAN: Penmanship: 30 out of 50 // Message: 40 out of 50 // Total Score70 out of 100

Just when I thought I couldn’t find you more endearing, you go ahead and give me more fuel to add to the Team Ian fire.  I love that you sign your name like something out of Napoleon Dynamite, but more than that you admit to being hungover.

“THANKS JUN! (I AM WAY HUNGOVER RIGHT NOW)” is your message to me and I admire the way you spaced the word “hungover” out all over the right margin. I couldn’t be happier that you won, and not just because it makes Dan “Runner-Up” next to you on the page.

Too cute.

I hope you’re finishing out school and getting pot legalized and all that other great stuff you were doing pre-BB14.  You must.

And do update us on that girl you were crushing on back at school and whether or not your stint on television has changed the status of said crush at all? Thanks.

DAN: Penmanship: 25 out of 50 // Message: 30 out of 50 // Total Score55 out of 100

You are an ALL CAPS user.  This does not surprise me as you seem to speak in ALL CAPS too.  I’m just grateful I didn’t get an invoice along with your autograph.  I know you must be itching to charge me.

“JUN, THANKS FOR THE HATE THIS SEASON.  WHAT SEASON DID YOU FLOAT…I MEAN WIN ON?” was your message.  How very original. Loved the #JustKidding hashtag following your signature though.  A sign of Twitter times and your perpetual passive-agression.

I did appreciate your shout-out on the live feeds this season, asking me to go easy on you in my blogs.  I now know that was code for “Please RSVP to my funeral.” Thanks for all the material with which to blog about you this past summer.

I now have enough Dan material to last me a Big Brother lifetime.  Meaning, you don’t need to go on another season of BB ever again, but I know you will if you’re offered. Right?

SHANE: Penmanship: 30 out of 50 // Message: 10 out of 50 // Total Score: 40 out of 100

Oh Shane.  I was happy to see that you weren’t in pink in your photo.  Not that I have anything against pink, but I watched you strut in pink all summer and so I appreciated the bright yellow in your photo.  “THANKS FOR BEING A BITCH AND SELF CENTERED!!” was your message to me. Well, you’re welcome I guess. And I see you’ve managed to sell all your eBay items post-BB. BigSoftTeddy on eBay you may be, you’re still just the ambiguously gay dude from BB14 to me.

Thanks for making me laugh this past summer, and for making me laugh even now as I read your bitchy little message to me.  It’s okay.  I can take what I dish.

Hope all is well in Vermont.  Enjoy your holidays. They are a premium after leaving the confines of the BB house. Will you have Danielle there with you for the holidays?

FRANK: Penmanship: 10 out of 50 // Message: 10 out of 50 // Total Score20 out of 100

Frank Frank Frank…  Shame on you coming in last in this ranking.  I though you’d have a better autograph than this considering who your dad is and all.

“Jun, you’re a Caddy Bitch!” was your message to me and I imagine you meant “catty” bitch but who am I to rob you of a golf reference. I’m thrilled you used “you’re” and not “your” or even “ur”, even if your handwriting is right out of a serial killer’s note.

I preesh the “Preesh” after your name though. “Frank Preesh” is most definitely an alternative to a proper signature.  Danielle’s and Ian’s are way too easy to forge.  Good thinking on your part on that one. Right.

What would Nana say about your calling me a caddy bitch?!  What is a caddy bitch? Aren’t caddies all somebody’s bitch, essentially? Preesh.

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If my math is wrong, i know you’ll let me know.  If I am wrong, I already know you know.  But please do leave me a colorful comment below!

Always dishing,

Jun

Posted under: Big Brother, Reality TV Dishes

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61 comments

  • okiechris on November 7, 2012 at 3:58 pm said:

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    Oh goodness some just don’t appreciate snark hahaha. I personally love it! You are a professional snark and darn good at it.

    • I was cracking up looking at these. I’m leaving them on my dining room table for now so I can pass by and laugh every time!

  • Jun, you ignorant slut – er I mean you caddy bitch. That seriously had me rolling, esp the part about all caddies being someone’s bitch. Hahahahaha! Frank is such a douche canoe.

  • OMG I can’t stop laughing!!!! Hahaha Mmmm all this Passive-Agressivity 😀 Love how real and honest they all are!! The Sweetheart, the Drunk, the Professor, the Diva, and the Creepy Serial Killer Haha Love how much Fun you are Dear Jun 😀 <3

  • Anonymous on November 7, 2012 at 5:41 pm said:

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    LOL… i actually giggled out loud after reading Frank’s message. Shane probably doesn’t even know who you are…he probably wrote what Dan told him to write haha.

    So when are you selling this on Ebay? :)

  • Ian’s note made me smile. He’s the real deal and you (and I, btw) saw that preseason. I haven’t picked a winner in….ever! Danielle’s sounds like the post-BB Danielle that’s been hitting the rounds, trying to extend ‘Shanelle’s’ 15 minutes. Dan’s note is as funny…oh, wait. It wasn’t. Frank’s note is disappointing but in line with his deplorable sense of entitlement all summer long. Shane’s..got to admit, I agree with his. Thank you for being a bitch, especially when you write the blogs for us. We get so much enjoyment from them, week after week. Thanks for being self-centered also. Know why? Because you are fierce!!! You make the ordinary seem fun. You’ve turned your fans into friends and I can’t seem to remember a single time you tried to sell us anything!!! You’ve shared your beautiful Davy and Noah with us. As a person, not trying to be a brand.
    Anyway, all I can say is….10 more days!! :)
    xoxo

  • This is hilarious!! Haha
    This could totally be a new thing… get Chelsia to do this every year after you’ve spent all summer doing your Power Rankings!! lol…

    I’m surprised at Shane, his seems genuinely mean and miserable!! If only he would have ended it with “gurrrrrrrrl”!!

    You should send autographs back to them with your own messages of ‘congratulations’ 😉 haha…

    It’s great that you just choose to laugh at this, and I thank you greatly for deciding to share the laughs with us :)

    Bring on BB 2013!!

    • Ha! Yeah. Hopefully Shane grows out of the Mr. Grumpy stage at some point :)

      That’s such a good idea! Those I blog about should totally send me their autographs at the end of every season! HA!

  • Hans Alison on November 7, 2012 at 6:45 pm said:

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    “I know you must be itching to charge me.” I DIED, I DIED! LOL. Should there ever be a time when you and Dan are in the BB house together. I know you both will gun for each other like there’s no tomorrow. 😛

    • Hahahaha! I died as I was typing it :) No doubt Dan and I would be out for each other’s blood should we ever be in the house together!

    • Oooooookay then. Calm yourself. I can’t really fuck off because this is my site, but you can leave. Thanks!

  • Lynd Perky on November 7, 2012 at 8:28 pm said:

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    Dang girl these autographs show that they have read your blogs. Woo hoo. I want to thank Michelle Jones and Dean Brown for their comments they said it so well.

    You make me laugh not hate.

  • I feel like Shane was channeling a sassy Richard Simmons while writing this. I can picture him now, writing post-aerobics class, flicking his wrist, raising his eyebrows, repping the pink tank…it’s all pretty gay.

    • I can totally see him as Richard Simmons! He gave us a taste of it when he hosted that Coach’s Comp! Pump! It! Up! HA!

  • Shane thanks you for “being a bitch and self centered”. Hmnnnn but wait, I know the guy is oblivious about almost everything but doesn’t he recognize these fine qualities in his very own (pretend) girlfriend? Hey….maybe he wasn’t being sarcastic after all. I know I’m not….. :)

  • Gosh…I am gonna be catty, but Shane gets to be more of douche every time I learn more about him. I am guessing SP or Chelsia had some of your blogs around for them to read before autographing, because Shane didn’t even finish watching the season he was asked to watch…I am sure he hasn’t watched BB4…or was it BB15 you won? LOL

    Oh, and as to BB15…is that a hint, they are going to do a BB15 All Stars and you were invited back, are now thinking about it, so it is fresh in your mind? I bet momz would go help Davey out…or make a deal like Janelle did to be able to have Noah in the jury house if it came to it.

    • So Jun is snarky for writing rude things, but Shane is a douche when he responds in kind? Interesting.

      And why do people here keep talking about Jun being invited back? Jun will NEVER be invited back. I thought that was pretty much universally understood.

    • Hahaha. I think Shane just reacts without thinking things through. It’s kinda refreshing, but it does make him come off as “WTF?!” sometimes. :)

      I got a kick out of all of it and I know everyone else involved did too. I think BB people take things less personally once we’ve been out of the house for a while, but it’s the fans who take things most seriously :)

  • Wow, that was just the best thing ever! I enjoyed your season and your tweets but admittedly, have never read your blog until now. Too fucking funny! I’m a HUGE Dan fan but his passive-aggression sure gives me a giggle! I’m shocked and impressed at Shane’s honesty. I didn’t think he had it in him to actually share a truthful opinion that wasn’t force-fed to him by another. Bravo, hypocrite!! And lastly, LOL@ Frank’s misspelling. And the idiocy that he still uses that “preesh” crap. Moron. :)~ Can’t wait to read more blogs in the future!

    • I was shocked and impressed with Shane too! I appreciate him for what he shows us he is hahaha but also for everything else I see about him :)

      Glad you got on to my blogs! :)

  • Jun , Not only do you serve up the best dishes to eat but you also serve up the best dish to read. You Rock as usual Jun This was awsome.. ~Lisa

  • Well if they should have to take Jun’s snark, why shouldn’t she have to take it from them? June if you can dish it out, you better damn well be able to take it. They are right, you are a snarky BITCH!!

    • Pretty sure Jun says that she is taking their sass because she dishes it…maybe give this article a quick read again.

    • I am okay being a snarky bitch. It’s not hurtful that you just called me that. Don’t you get it? You have to take a breath now and then and just take things in good fun.

  • Anonymous on November 13, 2012 at 2:21 am said:

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    I’m so surprised at Shane’s comments, he must have been fed them. Why oh why would he call ANYONE self-centered when he hangs w/the Queen? Oh, that’s right, he hasn’t seen all the hours of feeds we have!

  • “You are an ALL CAPS user. This does not surprise me as you seem to speak in ALL CAPS too. I’m just grateful I didn’t get an invoice along with your autograph. I know you must be itching to charge me.”

    ^ This made me laugh out loud. I love your blog, Jun :) Keep it up.

Feel Free to Dish!