Expressing Affect and Effect

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter and daughter-in-law, a friend, a neighbor, a sister and sister-in-law, a cousin, a granddaughter. More. I am an ex-colleague and ex-boss, ex-girlfriend and ex-play-thing, as well as former this and former that all along the way.

I want to be an aunt, a grandmother, a mother-in-law, a mentor, someone to lean on, sound off to, a trusted ear, too.

I can control what I am and what I want to be, and to whom, to varying degrees.

And then something like Sandy Hook happens.

And everyone is scrambling to find his or her place in the horror, most of us fortunate to be far enough removed to be spared of a loss in our life in just one jarring moment.

On this Friday, for me the day that the world never ended, and for twenty-six families a week of questions of “Who I am” and “Who I want to be” and all of that and to whom is still yet unanswered. The question of “Why” has no answer and is the hardest answer to accept in all of this, for all.

Perhaps, I dare to guess, for those losses of family, it feels as if part of their own world has ended Mayans or no Mayans.

Can you imagine?

On this Friday, for me, I celebrate both in one day my two years of marriage to my husband Davy our baby Noah turning nine months old. Noah is already nine months old. Davy shared with me this morning the grave moment he had when he first saw the name “Noah” belonging to Noah Pozner, one of the innocents lost just one week ago. Davy needn’t say more because I knew exactly what he meant. The moment our minds and hearts raced long enough to privately be thankful once again that our little Noah was at that moment sleeping soundly in his room upstairs. And also in that same moment the pang of guilt for that kind of thinking, is what Davy also conveyed.

Can you relate?

On this Friday today I am more of a wife and mother than anything else on most days. Sometimes I am a bad wife. Because I can’t do it all, all at once all the time, but who I am on this day is what I give one hundred percent to. It’s what we should all strive to do more of, even if we don’t always deliver whether as a teacher or husband or wife or parent or friend…

To effect change around you make changes that affect.

To Noah Pozner’s family and circle of life, and also that of Rachel D’Avino, Dawn Hochsprung, Anne Marie Murphy, Lauren Rousseau, Mary Sherlach, Victoria Leigh Soto, Charlotte Bacon, Daniel Barden, Olivia Engel, Josephine Gay, Dylan Hockley, Madeleine Hsu, Catherine Hubbard, Chase Kowalski, Jesse Lewis, Ana Marquez-Greene, James Mattioli, Grace McDonnell, Emilie Parker, Jack Pinto, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Benjamin Wheeler and little Allison Wyatt, I think of all of you often and in the quietest and loudest of moments of the day. But they are moments in which I bite down tears and wish you all some peace in the answers around you and in the silences too.

Somewhere in the memories of your lost ones may you find more to look forward to, and right in front of you.

I dedicate this to my husband, Davy, on this our second wedding anniversary. For inspiring me to express somehow, finally, how life has been and what life is right now at the end of this Friday. And also because Davy found his anniversary gift early, as clearly I did not hide it well enough, and what more could I give but my post-apocalyptic love? And this blog? 

Always dishing,

Jun

46 Comments

  1. kcsmum

    This is a truly wonderful gift. So generous of you to share it with so many. So filled with raw emotion. And so priceless on a day that will never be again. Much love to all of you.

    Reply
  2. Shelly

    I thought of your Noah when I saw that Noah. I thought of how we drop Spud off everyday, assuming he’ll be safe until we pick him up….as these parents did.

    My silly countdown had me thinking…more than once….so many lives would be better off away from this madness called life.

    Im so glad you blog my dear friend. I love your take on most things.

    If you write it, I will come. Come. The other takes a tad more than writing. However, it can be used as very healthy foreplay.

    Too much? 🙂

    Reply
    1. You crack me up Shelly OMG! 🙂 Thank you. I will always write. End of story then 🙂

      It’s strange. Not to take away from those who are not parents, etc…but now that I have little Noah I am so much more aware and more sensitive to what’s going on…

      Reply
  3. Anonymous

    Thank you for the words. I have missed you. G lost his job so I had to give up my smart phone. Data charges. But fabulous times may be ahead. Have an amazing first christmas with your family..

    Reply
    1. Ah! So sorry to here that Bonnie. Sigh. I hope something changes soon and you guys bounce back!

      Thank you so much for always checking in. Our Christmas has indeed been fabulous so far. Please keep in touch!

      Reply
  4. =^.^=Mystikat~~

    Thank you for your lovely post Jun. You have put into words so beautifully the emotions that I have been feeling. Wishing you, Davy and Noah a wonderful first Christmas together <3

    Reply
    1. Isn’t it crazy how much we’re all saying such similar things? It is always so hard to express in words what’s going on inside…

      Thank you for the Christmas wishes. It was so wonderful 🙂 Happy holidays to you!

      Reply
  5. Simply beautiful! Thank you for sharing yourself with us. You express what we’re all feeling after this tragedy.
    Happy anniversary Jun and Davy. It’s been such an honor being on this ride with you.
    Happy 9 month birthday Dear Sweet Noah! Your smiles fill my heart with happiness.
    Lastly, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the gift you gave me last month.

    Love you mama!
    xoxo

    Reply
    1. Michelle, you make it so easy to share our life with you. Having Noah meet you was one of our highlights of being back home in NYC last month. Thank you for always keeping it very very real 🙂

      Reply
  6. Damn you Jun. You did it to me again. The water works sprung a leak and I thought I had it all cried out after the ‘National Moment of Silence’ this morning and hearing each name read as a bell tolled.

    But more than that thank you for being you and sharing so much with all of us. 2 years down and 50 or so to go. Enjoy each of them and every day in between.

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      It is my mission in life to make you cry. So I can then comfort you 🙂

      Thank you for being just the way you are. You make me laugh 🙂

      Reply
  7. That says it all, Jun – How could you *not think instantly of sweet angel Noah?
    He is your miracle and the light of your life … Thankfully, the world he is living in is so much different than ours.

    My world stopped-in-time since December 14th – I’ve cried for days on end for all of those children, all of those adults who did everything in their power to protect those children. I cried for their terror and the unfathomable loss their parents, families have had to endure.

    And then it occurred to me on that same day that my own birthmother worked only a short distance from Sandy Hook, in another school SO nearby. Was she at this school?! While processing the horror of Newtown, I had to search for info on her — a needle in a haystack … finally I found at last that she wasn’t there anymore. She had been there all her life … 70 yrs.

    CT blood is in my veins 100%. Both of my parents were born & raised there. I can’t help but wonder if this biology made it resonate to an unbearable level or solely because ‘it was, what it was’. #Evil.

    Cause and effect, most certainly. The only thing we can do is to affect *our own pieces in this life.

    Dec 14th is something that none of us will ever get over – and hopefully we as a society never do.
    Those 20 bright little faces are there to remind us everyday from now on, “Do better”.

    You, my friend … are doing better.

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Dec 14 touched so so many people in countless ways…and it lingers still. In this new year I hope for less wasting of lives and more thinking before acting. Thank you for sharing this here. And thank you for getting it.

      Reply
  8. Sparky

    I swear I posted a response this the other day. I must be getting senile. I so enjoy your blog and all your writing. You find a way to see in my heart and say what I feel. It is a great gift and I appreciate more than you know that you share it with us. Much love to you

    Barbara

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Not senile, just sparky! I’m the same way sometimes like “hey…didn’t I reply to this?!” ha!

      Thank you for sharing always, Barbara, you’ve been around for a while now and I’m always grateful for your thoughts 🙂

      Reply
  9. Wow~ just catching up on everything…This is a powerful and beautiful entry, Jun. Judging from my feelings and the feelings of everyone who has posted above me, you have touched all of our hearts. Thank you and many blessings to you and your family. xox

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Thank you dear Kim. I’m glad to hear from you this week, it’s been so long! 🙂

      I wish you goodness and smiles this new year. I can’t believe how fast 2012 flew!

      Reply

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