Don’t Be A Bigfoot

 

I’ve never done this before, and I don’t know if I will again. But I am sharing, with permission, an email I received. One of more than I’d think I’d ever receive from fans.

It’s not always about Big Brother, most of the time it’s just about life. And I do enjoy the exchanges.

The sender of the email below is a very special lady and we’ve shared quite a lot with each other over the last year or so. About the ups and downs and confusion that arises, on any given day. And sometimes we all just need someone else to think things through together with us.

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HiJunLetterOne

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Hello again my dear 🙂
Thank you again for letting me share this on my site.
Well, married with a baby or not, I’d say most of us come across this particular question, whether we think about it consciously in email or not.  Though the question is not “what is acceptable and what isn’t” when it comes to how much/when to hang out with friends once you’re this or that…but what do you want and what don’t you and to what degree? In this situation and most every situation. Sometimes we have to balance what’s acceptable with what’s best to really come out on top.
I believe your answer is already right in your email to me, and in your thoughts about this whole thing to begin with. You’ve voiced some very definitive points about where you are right now in your life.
“I no longer want to be “out”, unless my husband is with me ” and “I love being home with my husband and our doggies (no babies yet)…” and also “When I get off of work, I want to go home and unwind/relax,”. You do not beat around the very bushy bush to me and yourself, but because you don’t want to hurt your best friend and also don’t want to become one of those people, you’re struggling with this. You have a good heart. I’ve known this for a while now.
And when I say one of those I mean like Bigfoot, like some folkloric urban legend of a shadow of what “used to be a social butterfly”. Like, vanishing with only sporadic sightings at alleged public gatherings. Don’t be a Bigfoot. But don’t be afraid to put your husband and dogs and “no babies yet” first. And going out every night, second. Time is priceless and it’s what your priorities need most of. Your time.
As you say, as a 30-something adult, some things become childish. Your best friend is also an adult and married too, and her answer to “what do you want and what don’t you and to what degree” is to be out for lots of nights of the week. So your two sets of priorities are not matching up. Right now. But if you two are strong enough in your best friendships, then this will be a small chunk of time in your lives where things didn’t add up perfectly.
And so you should tell her pretty much what you told me, minus the “childish” stuff. And If your friendship is not strong enough then perhaps the only thing you can do right now is be honest with her. She may have something to spill to you too.
You asked me “what is your take on friendship now that you’re married (with a baby)”? And that is my take. Make no apologies about what your priorities happen to be. They are yours. If it is a forever friendship (if you’re lucky) it won’t depend on when and where and the next date on the calendar, but the ups and downs and ebb and flow of dealing with life. We all wish we had more of it yet we also sometimes find ourselves with too much of it on our hands. Time. It’s life.
But dealing with life as a friend to someone and vice versa isn’t always the prettiest thing. We’d all do better if we were all more direct in expressing some very strong feelings. Less hurt and conflict, and less resentment.
Don’t feel like you’re on the defense. But don’t go on the attack either. Just talk to her. And ask questions too.
I really hope you get to a better place with this!
Always dishing,
Jun

 

6 Comments

  1. “But dealing with life as a friend to someone and vice versa isn’t always the prettiest thing. We’d all do better if we were all more direct in expressing some very strong feelings”…
    Your words Jun, remind me of an awesome quote I once read…
    “The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away” ~ Barbara Kingsolver

    My mum and dad were in a similar predicament when they were first married. They preferred their own company to that of their friends, and would rather stay in together than go out anywhere. The friends who couldn’t understand that are long gone, and those that could are better friends with them than ever!!

    I really hope your friend manages to resolve this soon 🙂

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Nothing wrong with it.. I am a homebody.. just family both my own and my sibs… every now and then a night out with friends… life constantly changes and set priorities… I love my life, my home, my family… 🙂

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Yes, totally, or something like that. A talk is in order at some point though before there’s more stress and resentment in the friendship. Maybe there’s a reason there hasn’t been more cards/coffee type stuff?

      Thanks for sharing Bonnie. Always nice to hear from those married for longer and lovelier 🙂

      PS: Glad you are staying in touch. I guess the smartphone phase has not yet returned?

      Reply

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