I’m invested in The Bachelor this season. But only because I’m invested in Sean Lowe. I watched him when he was courting Emily Maynard on The Bachelorette and “lost”, but really won. Her teeth probably made her decision for her anyway.
Sean’s stock went up way high when he convinced his family to punk Emily into thinking he still lived at home, in a filthy locker room of a bedroom, and then he turned out to be oh my god pretty great and great-looking. I, too, fell for his prank and he was okay in my book forever. Forever, or until he became the next #Bachelor. Yes!
Without question or rhetorical answer Sean is way better looking than his predecessor Ben Flajnik, whose name and character will forever be questioned. Sean is someone I have hope for. My one fear is that Sean turns into a complete and utter douchebag of failure like Ben did. But I imagine Sean knows better how to handle women throwing themselves at his hotness than Ben ever did. So like I said, I have hope for Sean.
And ABC has given him some very attractive and not 100% white group of ladies to choose from! Bravo ABC. I hope the Bible Belt doesn’t cinch you.
And apparently among the group of 26 ladies, there is a gymnast (okay, I hear she does a backflip and to me that’s gymnastics, period) and a wedding singer (okay, she sings on cruise ships, potato-potahto) and…AND…a rabidly and obviously publicly horny fan of Fifty Shades of Grey.
I’m scared for Sean.
But here are the alleged ladies:
A-Quad: Amanda, Ashlee, Ashley and Ashley
Yeah. We have two models, a hair stylist and a “personal organizer”. Why the quotes?! I don’t know. So judging from the very horoscopy-looking bios of the ladies: Amanda and Ashlee are low-maintentance and high-maintenance, respectively. And i’m not even getting into the symbols/codes/legend CHEAT SHEET thing that ABC has provided. Like, really ABC?! A baby pacifier?!
Brooke. She needs a lot of time to get ready for a date but really, I’m not judging. Right. She’s got a college degree, judging from the “diploma” symbol on her bio. And suddenly I feel like I’m playing Farmville or something with diplomas. Sigh.
Catherine. Gorgeous, I like her already. She looks like she’s part-something-part-something-and-part-beautiful. She’s the first, alphabetically, to admit she’s a slob and I like that. And she’s got a tattoo that I bet Sean will want to see.
TRIPLE-Ds: Daniella, Desiree, Diana
Apparently the pre-requisite to be on The Bachelor this season and have a D-name, was to be really tall. All three ladies are 5’7″ or taller and have college degrees and come from states beginning with “C” and yeah, that’s it as far as similarities. And OMG Diana “Has Been Engaged” and “Has Been Married” and “Has Kids” according to the ABC Decoder! When will she tell Sean all this and how will Sean react and will the other girls find out and OMG ABC can’t we leave some things to play out on the show? Oh yeah, no, it’s all edited for drama not information.
Jackie. Oh Jackie looks so old school glam in her photo. Plus, she’s a total klutz and dramatic story teller like I am though I’m also a hypochondriac so I can probably beat her blood-giving story. I like her.
All four ladies seem to be kiiiiiiinda normal on ABC paper, and all of them take a relatively short time to get ready for a date. One or two of them must be lying. Oh, and Keriann is an “Entrepreneur” and worked four jobs through to her college degree and I do wonder if “Entrepreneur” means what I think it means. You know. It’s all good. Whatever you gotta do to pay the bills.
Yes, I realize there are five Ls, but I accidentally “named” the photo “Four-Ls” and so I’m just sticking with it since one of the “Lesley/Leslie”s will be gone by next episode right? Everyone but Lauren and Lindsay seem to be lying about their tidiness (why tidyness with a “y”, ABC?! Why?!) because, come on, who is part tidy-part-messy. Really?! And Lacey tells us she prefers to be “mysterious” so we’ll see if she really means it or if it’s code for “I HAVE ISSUES AND FEAR OF ISSUES”.
Paige. Paige seems really sunburnt in her photo. And it looks like her photo’s been rotated by 22 degrees or so. Good going ABC intern. But Paige operates a jumbotron and that is so freaking cool. And Sean might think that’s cool too.
Robyn. In her twenty four years of life, the most outrageous thing Robyn has done is “going on a stake out to stalk my friend’s ex-boyfriend”. I think that’s more along the most creepy things, but if that’s outrageous to her, then so be the Oilfield Account Manager. I guess not too many outrageous things happen out in the oilfields.
Selma probably gets lots of Salma pick-up lines. She’s a sentimental person more than she is a romantic, and I like her for making me stop and think about that one. Oh, and she’s been engaged before. And Sarah must not be the brightest bulb of The Bachelor bunch because she has to answer some stupid question about her pet even though we can all clearly see from the little yellowed symbol under her name that she has a dog! Why am I so angry?!
DOUBLE-Ts: Taryn and Tierra
Holy Cow, Taryn’s been in a longer relationship than the other-record holder Diana. But Diana was married! We’ll see how Taryn does. She’s spent a third of her life in one relationship. Hmmm. Meanwhile, oh yeah, Tierra loves to dance and is a dancer and has been dancing since she was three and loves all kinds of dancing according to her.
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And there you have it. All 25 out of 26 ladies. I have no idea who the last one is. And I can’t wait to watch tonight! Live…from Belgium…it’s…