“My Fairytale With Sean Has Begun”
I didn’t say it. And I also didn’t say “You can’t do this to me” or “I will bite”. There were a lot of did-she-seriously-just-say-that moments in last night’s premiere of The Bachelor. And ABC has managed to outdo itself again giving us a crew of women who want to kill each other over some Shirtless Sean.
Oh, and we don’t even get to Shirtless Sean until the two minute and fifty-nine second mark of the show. We could have fast-forwarded through the first three minutes and not missed a thing. Or even the first thirty minutes, because all we really need is the audio. Cue sad music, happy music, serious music, country music, repeat…
And then Arie, looking particularly washed-out from the neck-down in his very poor choice of thin yellow and grey striped shirt, makes an appearance on the show that can’t decide whether he’s an “old rival” or a “good friend” of Sean’s because we’re told he’s both within a minute’s time. The “kissing lesson” falls platter dan water which is Dutch for yes, flatter than water. But Arie would know that. Oh ABC.
Good thing God is always around to help ABC out as Sean tells us that the Emily Maynard experience made him realize “God still has another plan” for him. And so Sean closes his eyes for a second before the crazies get out of the limo, to pray. God help you Sean.
And God help the crazies. In alphabetical order:
THE As: The two Ashleys got sent home, but for different reason. Ashley H. was dressed / thought she was auditioning for one of the revived All My Children or One Life to Live (so happy for you soap junkie friends) soap operas. And Ashley P., who looked eerily like last season’s crazy face Jenna Burke, turned out to be the forever horny yours Fifty Shades yucky girl. She came to the party with a tie stuffed in her bra like a third tit, and got drunk enough to fall on her ass and also scare Sean into threatening to blow his rape whistle. He didn’t blow it, but he did break out a Fifty Shades of Drunk joke about her. Meanwhile Amanda receives a rose even after she imposes an “awkward silence”, between herself and Sean, as a way of introduction out of the limo. And also displays her perfect teeth for the duration of the awkward silence. But the front-runner of The As group, is AshLee. The girl who says all she wants to ever do in life is fall in love. And AshLee doesn’t receive her rose at the Rose Ceremony like Amanda does, but rather way before. The Pre-Rose-Ceremony-Rose. And since the Rose Ceremony is the “climax” of the episode, I’d say what AshLee received was more like the Pre-Cum Rose. Too much? Like, this ALL isn’t too much to begin with.
Sidenote: These Pre-Cum Roses threw 99% of the ladies into psychotic tantrums. It was emotional mayhem. The only thing I can compare it to is, what would happen if Julie Chen announced on the first of any live show of Big Brother that Pandora’s Box was already in play. Chaos.
BROOKE: I can’t figure out what she did exactly to get a Pre-Cum (“PC”) Rose except sound like she came out of The Princess and the Frog Disney movie. Very New Orleans-y. Which I love, but not in a cartoon character of a bachelorette on this show.
CATHERINE: She had some of the best lines of the premiere, allowing me to forgive for her schoolgirl shoulder jiggle upon meeting Sean. Her “Then we have to put our lady faces back on and be nice,” about the cocktail party bullshit and “It’s like an animal attack on the eyeballs,” about one of the other girls were among her best. Me like and me happy that she got a PC Rose.
THE Ds: All three D-ladies get a rose, although Daniella receives hers at the Oh-You-Didn’t-Get-One-Earlier Rose Ceremony unlike Desiree and Diana. But Daniella, who looks like a poor-man’s Mortal Kombat Bridgette Wilson, does manage to get in a complicated and coordinated secret handshake with Sean while looking a little high (dare I say, high like Big Brother Ashley?). Whatever works. And apparently Diana’s deflated hot air balloon looking dress worked for Sean, as the mother of two received a P-C Rose from him. As did Desiree the Katie Holmes lookalike (only when smiling) who brought pennies for her and Sean to throw into the fountain, which I thought was a great idea. Then she tells Sean later that she will design her own wedding dress when the big day comes, which I thought wasn’t such a great idea. But I’m not Sean.
JACKIE: She turns out to look way older in photos than she does on film, and on last night’s episode she made quite an original first impression by smearing blood-red lipstick on her lips WITHOUT A MIRROR to plant a perfect kiss on Sean’s cheek first. Well done my dear.
THE Ks: Unfortunately the stars were not aligned for any entrepreneurs or cruis ship entertainers last night and thus, Keriann and Kelly were sadly sent home. But considering Keriann had a 2,775 drive back home, her exit was very lady-like. Sean could have at least thrown her some gas money, really. And Kelly might have been tan like clay, but she seemed genuine. I believe the wrong Ks were sent home, but my belief means nothing to Sean’s future. The other two Ks, Katie and Kristy got a PC-Rose and a regular Rose Ceremony Rose, respectively. Katie, in all her yoga goodness, didn’t wear shoes to the occasion and apparently that works for Sean. Like REALLY works for him as he can’t control his urge to disseminate before climax, a rose all over her. Meanwhile Kristy, very Courtney The Model-esque from last season, is clearly only here to promote her Ford Model status as she shook Sean’s hand and thanked him for having her. I’m assuming she was in America’s Next Top Model “Go-See” mode. She just gets a regular rose, and probably only because she looks like a cross between Dexter’s sister and a crackhead. Um, a Ford Model crackhead. Because the difference is bigger than life to her.
KACIE: The other “K” meat.
You came back. You looked ssssuh-mokin’ in that little black dress and you still talk like you’re sixteen and Sandra Dee.
Just marry Chris Harrison!
THE Ls: Lacey (who totally looks like an emaciated younger cousin of Big Brother Michele Noonan, possibly) and Lauren (who starts out acting like a Tony Sopranos extra but probably is milder in real life) are sent home, leaving Lindsay and the Lesley/ies. Damn it I thought for sure one of the Lesley/Leslie girls would go home! Fail on my part. But good for Leslie for getting the P-C Rose while Lesley and Lindsay got blah Rose Ceremony roses. The high point of Leslie’s introduction out of the limo was a “Holy Toledo” out of her. But Leslie somehow did something during Sean’s cocktail party to make him pre-cum a rose. I’m sorry. Let me get all the vulgar immaturities posing bad jokes in this first blog. Then we have the “other” could-be-homonymic Lesley, who is one of those good-from-afar-but far-from-could-be-good-close-up. She doesn’t like nerds or politicians but works in “nerds and politics” and dresses like Elle Woods every day. She also made a “LESLEY*SEAN*2016” campaign sign and brought a football just to have Sean bend over for her. She’s got everything planned out and looks a little like Rob Schneider’s sister when she’s not happy with something. But I like her. Despite the last few sentences. And…
Lindsay, you deserve a break from the other Ls. And you need to thank the producers and Sean for not letting you go back into the real world of black judgment and ridicule and Twitter where, had you been cut the first night, you would have been remembered only as:
“The girl whose priority was to show Sean that she was a goofball, instead of just letting Sean see her, and showed up in a wedding dress then stole a kiss and had twenty five women laughing and hissing and cat-peeing on her said dress so that she started drinking to try to relax although that’s the wrong kind of relaxer on The Bachelor, and made a drunken endearing fool of herself .”
But now there will be more to your Wikipedia story!
PAIGE: I had no idea you were a part of the franchise at first but I know that you had some fans last night. I only judged you superficially from your bio and I didn’t think you were anything to write home to Sean’s mom about. And you could have waited until you got inside to share with Sean the fact that you’re a “veteran” in The Bachelor world. I’m sorry you had to go like that all sad and dejected. You’re better than this stuff young lady.
ROBYN: She’s awarded a PC-Rose. Despite insisting on back-flipping her way towards Sean out of the limo and falling, hard and dangerously on the jaggedly landscaped driveway, in slow motion. Perhaps it was a Get Well Soon Rose.
THE Ss: Both Selma and Sarah get P-C Roses. Selma cleverly wipes Jackie’s previously kissed lipstick off of Sean’s face when she comes out of the limo after her. I’m okay with that move. And then we learn about Sarah. Sarah’s “ex-boyfriend was amazing” but I gathered that she didn’t love him as much as he loved her. I could be wrong. Oh, and she has one arm, after losing one even before birth, and ABC maximizes on surprising us with it. Sigh. Sarah gets points for initiating the conversation with Sean about what this experience is about for her as a beautiful single professional woman like any other woman, who has one arm.
THE Ts: Taryn and Tierra both stay, although Taryn barely gets a rose at the Rose Ceremony after she breaks down and cries to cruise ship screecher Kelly. It was like watching as a third of her life in years took its toll on her fragile bachelorettedom. I need bachelorettedom to be a word. Bachelordom is a word. WTF?! Back to Taryn, she’s beautiful and vulnerable and I hope Sean treads carefully with the boohoo-er. But last but not least…
Tierra received the first rose, PERIOD, last night. And all because she has some ghastly open-heart tattoo on her ring finger that Sean apparently fell under the spell of. In her opening intro, Tierra’s voice and gigantic earrings and growling yapping mini dog bothered me. Let’s see how this goes down.
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And as if this blog is not long enough already, I do have to award:
MOST EFFORT: To Ashley H for the obligatory dramatically unbelievable “Disappear Off Camera Bent Over Crying” move at the end, after she was sent home for speaking with her back teeth clenched all night like a junkie in rehab. Well, that’s how I saw it.
RUNNER-UP: Ashley P for telling us she’s been “actively searching for a boyfriend for years” and also the very classy “I want Sean to rip my clothes off and spank me”. And then starting a conversation with Sean with “When you got dumped by Emily…?”
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The previews are crazy. The spoilers I try to avoid sometimes successfully. Here we go!