People ask me for the answer to this every day. Every day.
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HOW TO GET ON BIG BROTHER
1. There IS no “How To”.
Big Brother isn’t a gadget or a gizmo that comes with a How To Guide, even if someone tells you it is and does. But what you can do is copy someone else’s methods, someone who was cast on Big Brother. If that’s what you want to do.
But I’d like to believe someone who just goes through life copying other people would make a horrid houseguest on the show. How boring.
2. Refer back to #1 if you still think I will be selling you some sort of “Miracle Big Brother Casting Balm” that I instruct you to rub all over your genitals and eyeballs, that smells dubiously like Tiger Balm. I prefer the patches
3. In order to copy someone else’s methods of getting on Big Brother, you must know exactly how they did it and under what moon and tide and color underwear worn, etc.
But would people, who were casted for the show, really tell you how exactly they did it?I can tell you how I did it, but it wasn’t glamorous or earth-shattering in any way. I spent a few days on the very long application of question and after question, skipping questions I had to spend more than a few seconds thinking up the answer to, and coming back to the skipped questions until they were all answered. Honestly and completely off the top of my sick and twisted head. For example, when they ask a literal question about politics (i.e. If you could run for office what office would it be?) it doesn’t mean you have to list your aspirations to change the world. My answer had been something along the lines of “I have no interest in politics but whatever office it is I’d like to kiss babies all the time, and have a personal driver.” The instructions on the CBS website had asked for the application, one full-body and one facial photo, and a two-minute videotape. My photos were just me, in casual but tight clothing, and not a bikini or ball gown or covered in whipped cream or any ridiculousness. They were taken with a polaroid. No need for glam shots or airbrushing, if they want you they’ll want you. The video tape was me, sitting on my bed, alone with the camera on the dresser in front of me. As instructed, I gave my name and age and where I was from and why I would be good for the show. I kept my clothes on and didn’t scream or hold up any animals or used tampons or other craziness. I just told the producers aka the camera that I wanted to be on the show, but that they actually needed me on the show. And then I proceeded to tell them that I was real, and so were my breasts and nails and hair, even squeezing my breasts a bit for flair. I also mentioned something along the lines of “all things Asian are hot right now, I’m what you’ve been missing”. So there. Obviously most of you reading can’t even use my “all things Asian” line. But really, if you’re going to apply to be on a show like Big Brother, you shouldn’t be expect to be cast because you copied exactly what someone else did to get on the show before you.
Refer back to #1 if you must.
4. You can always sleep with someone connected to someone by whatever number of degrees it takes to get to someone with enough power to get you on the show. Or, know someone who did. Or, sleep with someone who knew someone who’s already slept with someone who…you get the picture.
5. You can get an agent.
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Or you can always just try getting on Big Brother your own way. You have to be yourself, whether on paper or in-person. If you are anything but yourself and you don’t get cast, you will regret not having been yourself. If you are yourself and you don’t get cast, then you just keep living your life and try again if you want.
CBS doesn’t know you or owe you anything. Not getting cast for a summer reality television program doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you, or that you’re any less interesting a person than the next one walking through their doors. Not all dreams can be realized, but if you care enough about yourself then you should have enough other dreams to keep you busy.
Good luck trying out for the next season!