I know. I’m a day late on this blog. But living abroad means I either watch this damn train wreck at 2am my time, or wait until some very nice strangers upload it online. Oh, and it has to be somewhere online that I’m not restricted from watching due to my “geographic region”. There. That’s my excuse for being late to the damn party. Wah.
But the benefits to you are infinite. Namely, I’ll skip anything too recap-y and just get to the stuff that really matters, the stuff where I just start tearing bachelorettes apart.
So, we say goodbye to three ladies: Katie, Brooke and Diana.
Although Katie quits. She walks away, with her shoes on this time. She tells us (and Sean) that she doesn’t feel right being there blah blah blah, but really I think the producers told her she had to wear shoes all the time and she was NOT having that. Namaste.
Oh yeah, before I forget, we get “Shirtless Sean” at the 2 minute 20 second mark this time around. That’s forty seconds earlier than the first episode. Sweet.
But nobody wants to read about Sean, we want to read about:
First date goes to Sarah, and we get the obligatory and grand helicopter entrance except this time the bachelorettes are forced to stand so close to the landing spot that at least a handful of them go blind from the debris tearing into their eyeballs.
And then Sarah and Sean get to take the helicopter to the top of a skyscraper that they’ll be free-falling from, but not before they are joined by a big pink penis.
Yes, I too was shocked to see the big pink penis but not enough not to laugh and take three screenshots for good measure. But then my husband, whom I showed this to laughed, and told me what it was. “It’s one of those things that tell you which direction the wind is blowing in.”
And that made me laugh even more because I then pictured my husband standing outside with his penis out, checking the wind.
And while we’re on the subject, does anyone else hear “Dick Card” when one of the ladies screeches “Date Card”? No? Okay, never mind.
Let’s move on to Kristy, who is obviously in her own medicated state while she’s on the show.
Whether in close-up or from afar on an awkward group date, she’s so obviously hopped up on something. I know these things.
And as if it wasn’t bad enough that Tierra wears the biggest possible earrings as often as possible, she actually refers to herself in the third person this episode. Plus, she’s got this angry crevice in the middle of her forehead that obviously gets angrier as it gets hungrier, causing her to shove plates of food into her face to calm the forehead beast. Perhaps she wasn’t actually speaking in third person but referring to her forehead beast.
And speaking of beasts, Chris Harrison does his part to slay the English language when he gets to The Bachelor Art Gallery and tells Sean, “There are works of art in here tonight supposably worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, up to over a million”. Supposably?! Seriously Harrison? I am making myself sick here just typing that atrocity twice. S-U-P-P-O-S-E-D-L-Y. With a “d” as in “divorced”. Or douche.
Or Desiree. Sweet Katie Holmes doppelgångeress.
She and Sean hit it off in a major way and chat about how amazing their lives are and what their parents are like and at some point they realize their parents are so alike that they have the same parents! Ew! That would make them, like, siblings.
But they get past all the incestuous taboo musk, and Desiree officially becomes “Des” to Sean, and really have a great date. And this is even after Sean punks Desiree into thinking she broke some million dollar piece of art. I get just enough wide-eyed when I think about what the outcome would have been if it had been Tierra in that room. Poor Chernobyl.
But then, at the cocktail party, it’s Sean’s turn to be in the hot seat as Robyn asks him point-blank what in the tit he’s looking for because there’s a lot of racial diversity in the pickings this season. Good for her, and good for him, because he first answers “It don’t matter” and then quickly corrects his grammar. But lets her (and us) know that he’s dated Hispanic, Persian, and Black women. Which I did not know. Did you know? Me and my raised eyebrows did not know.
And now he can add an Asian, a white woman with one arm, an Iraqi-Lebanese woman (guess who), and some Emily Rose impersonator. Yikes.
Yeah. That’s pretty much it.
Ugh. No. Can someone tell Kacie that it’s not cool to be in public with hair like this:
And that is all. Thanks.
See you next week!
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