This is it. I have to be honest with myself and accept the fact that my Bachelor blogs will be a Wednesday affair. You have to accept this too.
But the good news is, we got Shirtless Sean at the 1 minute 24 second mark this week. This is unprecedented. Either the producers honored my previous requests, or they were hoping it would make up for a very boring episode.
Onto some highlights from this very boring episode:
– Sean tells us he “never expected to be digging so many women already at this point of the process,” which is something we’ve never heard before on a season of The Bachelor. I think my eyes rolled back a little too far on this one. Ouch.
– Lesley M (White Lesley) gets a one-on-one date with Sean that is eventually crashed by hundreds of strangers and two creepy dudes. Chris Harrison and some guy named Stuart. Stuart is the CSO (Chief Stopwatch Operator) of Guinness World Records and timed Lesley and Sean while they kissed long enough to establish a new record for “World’s Longest On-Screen Kiss”. Exciting stuff right?! It was so boring.
– We get Shirtless Sean again at the 21:20 mark. But Chris Harrison crashes Shirtless Sean’s group beach date, dressed like someone’s creepy uncle who came to check out the young girls in their bikinis, and informs the ladies that they will be split up into two teams competing for more time with Sean. Little did the producers know that most of the girls sucked, um sucked, at volleyball. There was an actual referee for the match, though I’m pretty sure it was Mr. Stuart Stopwatch in shorts and a cap and a whistle in lieu of a stopwatch.
– One-armed Sarah calls Tierra out for being a complete dick. I’m paraphrasing. Tierra thinks it’s cute to read the last date card out loud and trick AshLee and Selma into thinking they’re going on a two-on-one date. I thought it was hilarious. But Sarah was highly offended.
– The Exorcism of Amanda Rose is still going on. I’m just waiting for her head to spin and projectile vomit all over Tierra.
– Kacie gets drunk or high or bulimic and then runs to Sean to whine about Amanda and Desiree not liking each other. Here’s how the convo pretty much went:
K: “Whimper whimper whine whine Amanda whimper whine Desiree…”
S: “Why are you saying something to me?”
K: “Whimper whine I just want someone to love me whimper whimper…”
S: “You’re a crazy person. Let’s just be friends.”
Yup. Sean called a crazy person, a crazy person, to their face. And Kacie the Tanned Toothpick was sent home somewhere between the cocktail party and the rose ceremony. She needs to lay off ABC, and the tanning, and get on the whole eating, praying and loving kick.
– Tierra pretends to fall down a flight of stairs, pretends to be injured, and then tells paramedics to fuck off when they arrive to take her to the hospital. Then she jokes around about it all with Sean, who is clueless. All the while she is wearing the world’s biggest earrings.
– Orphan AshLee gets all dolled up for her one-on-one date with Sean with her hair blown out and gorgeous, her dress as short as a dress can be and the highest heels possible. She then must wait around until Tierra’s “Staircase Scene” is wrapped up before she is then driven by Sean, in some open-roof jeep that turns her hair into a crow’s nest, to Six Flags where she then walks around all day and night in those heels that must have given her leg cramps.
– ABC works in some attempt at private charity fundraising as they bring in two young ladies suffering from mitochondrial disease, to join AshLee and Sean on the date. Despite ABC’s transparent push for more private funding for said charity, the date (and Sean and AshLee) is a success and I appreciate that Sean and AshLee give their day up for a good purpose.
– Sean cries listening to AshLee’s past life. And he tells her, and several others, about the “high hopes” he’s got for the two of them. I swear I thought Sean was going to, at some point, break out into song with his high apple pie in the sky hopes bullshit. Ugh. He’s starting to copy-paste with the ladies.
– One-armed Sarah gets treated to 9 minutes with her dog, Leo, because she’s not getting any special treatment or anything so Sean arranged for dog to be transported on-set so Sarah could get that special treatment.
– Taryn and Krackhead Kristy are sent home. Deservingly.
– The End.
We will know right away next week if we are in for another boring episode, if we get Shirtless Sean before the one-minute mark.