I just got through with 166 minutes of Bachelor footage from this week, after having a rare but pretty shitty day. It’s been busy and rushed and unexpected fires put out all day today. So two full episodes of The Bachelor at once, reality television double penetration. So yeah, this blog will not be pretty.
And speaking of pretty…lots of pretties got sent home in two episodes:
Selma and her show-and-tell-but-never-do breasts got sent home, which is fine because she started talking in third person and shit. But to me, she will go down as one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen this franchise put out. But Sean finally realized that “go down” and “put out” were things she was not going to do voluntarily, or often. And she will throw Baghdad in your face all the time as bad as “touché” is being used. Like I said last blog, she is the quintessential cock-tease, and if all you do is tease then you don’t get good at anything. Clearly that little tap kiss she finally gave Sean did nothing for the muscle in his penis, case-in-point.
Also sent home was Jackie, who never really had a chance anyway. Not just because she went on a two-on-one with Tierra Forehead Beast, or not even because she tried to out-big Tierra in the earrings department, but because she had zero chemistry with Sean at this late stage in the game. Bachelor rose ceremonies go by like dog years and by rose ceremony five you put effort in or you don’t. She’s such a pretty girl. Dainty.
And then Daniella gets sent home too. Nice girl, very sweet. I realize “nice” and “sweet” are not the best descriptions for a blind date. But she even cried, seeing, “How happy Catherine and Sean were together”. And she didn’t interrupt them. Daniella’s not the brightest and needs to pull it together a little bit and she’ll be fine. She’s a little frumpy. Maybe a makeover!
And she needs a deep conditioning treatment for that hair of hers.
Oh yeah. Robyn went home too, because she’s so busy fighting with Tierra and being pissed at Sean for making up his own rules as he goes along. She disappointed me.
And last, but certainly not least Sarah is sent home. I actually got teary-eyed as she told us how sick she was of hearing the “It’s not you…” speech from guys. I’ve been there, but I have two arms so I can’t imagine how different her world must be on top of that. Just when I was getting ready to make a joke about every date being a “I don’t think having one arm is going to hold me back today” date, she’s sent home.
Sarah truly is looking for love. I hope she’s the next Bachelorette. If ABC can put a one-armed girl on The Bachelor, they can make her the next Bachelorette right?!
Oh, and before I forget. Why did we not get a Shirtless Sean montage to start the episodes off with?! WTF?!
And why is Chris Harrison now going Julie Chen on us with the “But first” bullshit? Did you guys catch that?!
So our first 82 minutes start off with everyone in Montana, in a town called Whitefish which I heard as “Whiteville” at first (these girls really need to enunciate better, first it’s dick-card instead of date card and now this). Lindsay gets her first one-on-one date with Sean. But more importantly, it finally hits me who it is she reminds me of! Natalie from Big Brother 9!
Not as crazy-eyed, but something’s there. Anyway, Lindsay’s date goes well and she is now completely in love with Sean, and more in love with his tongue. This girl is addicted to Sean’s spit. Already. Seriously. If she gets to the end, we all know she’s gonna swallow, come fantasy suite time. Hello.
Oh, and they get serenaded by some country singer I don’t know who sings about “wanting to be a cigarette to linger on your breath”. Um, okay. I say that’s a sign that this will not work for Lindsay and Sean. But I laugh at her a lot, which is good for me.
Catherine, our rising star, comes out of nowhere as of late and seems to be a front-runner in the race to capture Sean’s heart. She not only makes a man-face during the canoe leg of the “Montana Wilderness Relay Race”, but she also sits on Sean’s lap whenever she can, making Sean’s lap a very nice place for his erection to sit in.
She gets a one-on-one date too, sledding on a glacier!
Oh, these two episodes are also “Bad Stories Time” and Catherine tells us that she saw her friend get crushed and die under a falling tree at summer camp when she was twelve and that’s why she is the way she is. Carpe Diem, and all that, but I just like that she doesn’t use a baby voice around Sean. Sometimes she’s guttural.
And that’s way cooler than being a creepy hot adult woman that’s all like helium-sucked, “Sean-y baby love-euh you.” Ugh.
Guttural is better, natural, and probably better at giving oral love than the baby-waby ones. Lindsay, AshLee and Tierra and others have different voices with Sean. Not good. Lindsay’s harmless and AshLee is working through some shit through Sean on national television, but it’s Tierra that is most entertaining. If ticking timebombs were entertaining.
Tierra has split personalities! At least three than I can very unofficially diagnose. And one of her personalities is a hypochondriac.
First, she nearly dies walking up steps then has a mental breakdown then fakes a heart attack only to eat a cheeseburger a few hours later and then put on heels to surprise Sean. Again. She’s into stalking boyfriends and “Surprise!” ambushing them in public, at night. Yeah. Run Sean.
Tierra went from intense girl with huge earrings and incredibly small dog to Tierra with more huge earrings and some scar on her forehead that deepens like a river when she’s stressed, and she’s always stressed. Oh, and Tierra’s “Bad Story Time” is when she tells Sean that she was with someone for five years, and this someone had been in and out of rehab for years and then passed away. Sean takes this to mean the right thing, she’s been through a lot. Damn. But she is still crafuckingzy. I don’t even know if I believe her story. Courtney from last season has tainted me.
And then there’s AshLee who never seems stressed. She uses words like “fairytale” and “soul connection” and “adore” to Sean. Not even about Sean to us, but right to Sean’s face she says those things. And she means it, but she makes Sean turn as red as a genital wart. He gets red when he’s uncomfortable or upset or bashful.
And AshLee also speaks in talk show therapist voice with the whole, “How do you feel Daniella?” line of questioning. She really wants security in having her own everything. She’s working through her issues as an orphan through Sean. But it’s hot that she pulled out the blindfold and made Sean control her, ending in a kiss. Freaks. Love it.
So in the limo the girls are wondering what their hotel looks like while Sean is fretting about whether or not his wife may be among them. Blah blah blah.
Oh, and Desiree’s the first one to get two one-on-one dates with Sean, probably because she looks like Katie Holmes, but with fuller legs. She seems bored though, with Sean, with the whole thing. I couldn’t tell. But give her a tree and she will mount and climb the shit out of it.
And Desiree partakes in “Bad Stories Time” and she tells Sean, and us obviously, that she grew up poor. She’d often lived in tents and trailer parks and of course, ironically, she’s sitting in a teepee with Sean on her one-on-one date with Sean. I’d say this qualifies as more of a “Kick Ass Bad Stories Time” story. And then the producers dub her voice over reading some line about the teepee irony, as I’m thinking about this irony, ruining the moment for me because they just have to assume we’re dumb and we wouldn’t get it.
So at the end of the sixth episode we have six ladies remaining. Catherine, Leslie and Desiree all holding roses and dressed in black for the rose ceremony, like they’re attending bachelorette farewell funerals. And also remaining are Tierra, AshLee and Lindsay.
And then miraculously at the end Sean is not worried anymore about whether or not his wife may be in the group of women. He now follows the “wanting more than one wife”-type thinking. Oy. Let’s see what Tierra does next week.
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And before we go. Some quotes:
“I wish I was a fighter because I would beat the shit out of these bitches.”
“If I want to go get engaged I can easily get engaged, there are plenty of guys in the world…”
SELMA (About Tierra):
“Let’s be honest, you’re gonna wife that?!”
SARAH (Broke my heart…):
“I just don’t want to be told forever how great I am…”
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See you next week!