Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

I Cannot Control My Eyebrow

St. Croix has been on my list of places to sun-worship in for a long time, and “I’m jelly belly” that The Bachelor Train Wreck got to go there. Ugh. And Sean “broke the rules again” Bachelor-style, and flew in on the same putt-putt plane with all six ladies, because he’s a big bad-ass rule breaker. Yeah!

Whatever.

The point of this whole episode was to see which four from Sean’s harem of six would be giving us their families on a reality television platter to tear apart next week. Oh and to watch Tierra Forehead Beast get sent home, while peeing my panties and laughing louder every time she cried louder, making my face hurt from all my evil cackling. My god, it was glorious.

Tierra > Courtney.

And here are some of her Bachelor Hall of Shame moments from last night:

1. Choosing to sleep on a rollaway bed in the hallway instead of sharing a room with one of the five other girls.

TierraBed

What an asshole. It’s St. Croix, enjoy the gazillion thread sheet count! St. Croix was wasted on you.

2. Great crazy cat lady one-liners like,

– “Nobody will take my sparkle away, I’m not letting that happen.”

– “Raised eyebrow?! That’s my face! I can’t help it! I cannot control my eyebrow. I cannot control what’s on my face 24-7!”

– “AshLee’s a cougar because she’s 32, and when I’m 32 I’ll be married and settled down.”

3. She fake cries like an amateur, my 11 month-old son puts her to shame, really. But it’s magnificent to watch on this particular reality show, and it backfires on her as she’s sent home early, depriving us of a chat she was supposed to have with Sean’s sister. (Sidenote: I think Sean’s sister, Shay, is one of the first sisters I’ve ever liked through all these seasons).

Oh, and Tierra gives the international sign for “I’m about to get kicked off a reality show”:

TierraHandSignal

4. We are reminded of that stupid tattoo on her ring finger, yes, the same one Sean’s sister and all of us saw on the premiere and thought “WTF are you doing Sean?! Why are you giving this Tierra Tattooed Finger Forehead Beast the First Impression Rose?!” Or something like that.

TierraTattooedFinger

5. Tierra’s a “BLTG”. Big Long Toenail Girl. Check out her big long toenail.

TierraBigToenail

Did you throw up in your mouth a little like I did?

And that concludes Tierra’s Exit portion of the episode. Oh, and Lesley gets sent home too, but at the Rose Ceremony. She couldn’t get past her trust issues and anxieties and tell Sean how she felt. Actions speak louder than words, but words do need to be said. Sorry Lesley. Your tits looked GREAT in the limo though.

So, the four remaining:

AshLee: She gets the first one-on-one date, she and Sean make out and wet dry hump each other all day on the beach. Sean asks her about Tierra and she pretty much tells the truth and then it’s her fight with Tierra back at the hotel that ultimately sends Tierra packing. #TeamAshLee. And…what else…OH, HELLO, I had totally forgotten that she was MARRIED!

AshLeeABCCheatSheetI had to go back to her ABC Cheatsheet (damnit, it came in handy after all), and yeah. She does the big reveal to Sean this episode. She was 17 when she married and 18 when she divorced.

Catherine: I felt for her. She knew that if she was going to bring Sean home to meet her family she had to share with Sean, and the general viewing public, that her father was not present in her life. Instead of a vague explanation she very specifically told Sean that her father suffered from mental illness and that he’d once tried killing himself in front of her when she was 14. Heavy, and wow and definitely rivals her story of when she was 12. She does this without crying. I wonder if her tears at the end of the episode about Lesley going home were just displaced.

Desiree: She starts crying while talking about her family, and they’re all alive. Like, that dude from Emily Veneers’ season of The Bachelorette. Anyway, she feels like she did all the right things on the group date with Sean and Lindsay and Catherine and she’s visibly disappointed when she doesn’t get the rose at the end of it. But she gets one at the actual Rose Ceremony so it looks like Sean gets to meet her family, including her very angry thug brother. I wonder if Katie Holmes has an angry thug brother too.

Lindsay: Yeah yeah yeah, the gimmicky wedding dress hot mess…she gets awarded the rose on the group date. Clearly that rose was all about who’d swapped enough spit with Sean to fill a bathtub. I really don’t see her becoming Sean’s wifey…but maybe I’m wrong. If I am, don’t tell me. I’ll find out soon enough!

Then we get really, really bad porn music during the Rose Ceremony. And I can’t wait until Hometown Visits!

Always dishing,

Jun

Posted under: Reality TV Dishes, The Bachelor / ette

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12 comments

  • I want to watch this episode for two reasons… St. Croix (honeymoon) and your description of Tierra. I looked forward to you blogging about her every week. She made me feel sane by comparison. Hoping the ‘tell all’ episode will have her front and center. I can then sit with a hot cuppa and read your blog. Then again, perhaps not. I’m sure to spit/spill the coffee so I’ll brave it without my crutch 😉

  • Anonymous on February 13, 2013 at 8:43 pm said:

    Reply

    LOL and I thought I was the ONLY one that noticed that toenail! Good lord, she is a hot mess. I can’t wait to see her on the show when all the girls come back!
    I also liked Catherine’s statement that it only took her 10 minutes to get ready…brush her teeth, pee and she is good to go….or something like that. I like her and hope he picks her. I felt so sorry for her when talking about her dad.
    Thanks again, Jun!!!

  • What did you make of Catherine saying that Lesley had more of Sean’s qualifications than she did? I was with you on the misplaced tears – thought maybe she had just hit the wall after all the emo of the last couple weeks. But I just don’t know about her comments…..

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