St. Croix has been on my list of places to sun-worship in for a long time, and “I’m jelly belly” that The Bachelor Train Wreck got to go there. Ugh. And Sean “broke the rules again” Bachelor-style, and flew in on the same putt-putt plane with all six ladies, because he’s a big bad-ass rule breaker. Yeah!
The point of this whole episode was to see which four from Sean’s harem of six would be giving us their families on a reality television platter to tear apart next week. Oh and to watch Tierra Forehead Beast get sent home, while peeing my panties and laughing louder every time she cried louder, making my face hurt from all my evil cackling. My god, it was glorious.
Tierra > Courtney.
And here are some of her Bachelor Hall of Shame moments from last night:
1. Choosing to sleep on a rollaway bed in the hallway instead of sharing a room with one of the five other girls.
What an asshole. It’s St. Croix, enjoy the gazillion thread sheet count! St. Croix was wasted on you.
2. Great crazy cat lady one-liners like,
– “Nobody will take my sparkle away, I’m not letting that happen.”
– “Raised eyebrow?! That’s my face! I can’t help it! I cannot control my eyebrow. I cannot control what’s on my face 24-7!”
– “AshLee’s a cougar because she’s 32, and when I’m 32 I’ll be married and settled down.”
3. She fake cries like an amateur, my 11 month-old son puts her to shame, really. But it’s magnificent to watch on this particular reality show, and it backfires on her as she’s sent home early, depriving us of a chat she was supposed to have with Sean’s sister. (Sidenote: I think Sean’s sister, Shay, is one of the first sisters I’ve ever liked through all these seasons).
Oh, and Tierra gives the international sign for “I’m about to get kicked off a reality show”:
4. We are reminded of that stupid tattoo on her ring finger, yes, the same one Sean’s sister and all of us saw on the premiere and thought “WTF are you doing Sean?! Why are you giving this Tierra Tattooed Finger Forehead Beast the First Impression Rose?!” Or something like that.
5. Tierra’s a “BLTG”. Big Long Toenail Girl. Check out her big long toenail.
Did you throw up in your mouth a little like I did?
And that concludes Tierra’s Exit portion of the episode. Oh, and Lesley gets sent home too, but at the Rose Ceremony. She couldn’t get past her trust issues and anxieties and tell Sean how she felt. Actions speak louder than words, but words do need to be said. Sorry Lesley. Your tits looked GREAT in the limo though.
So, the four remaining:
AshLee: She gets the first one-on-one date, she and Sean make out and wet dry hump each other all day on the beach. Sean asks her about Tierra and she pretty much tells the truth and then it’s her fight with Tierra back at the hotel that ultimately sends Tierra packing. #TeamAshLee. And…what else…OH, HELLO, I had totally forgotten that she was MARRIED!
Catherine: I felt for her. She knew that if she was going to bring Sean home to meet her family she had to share with Sean, and the general viewing public, that her father was not present in her life. Instead of a vague explanation she very specifically told Sean that her father suffered from mental illness and that he’d once tried killing himself in front of her when she was 14. Heavy, and wow and definitely rivals her story of when she was 12. She does this without crying. I wonder if her tears at the end of the episode about Lesley going home were just displaced.
Desiree: She starts crying while talking about her family, and they’re all alive. Like, that dude from Emily Veneers’ season of The Bachelorette. Anyway, she feels like she did all the right things on the group date with Sean and Lindsay and Catherine and she’s visibly disappointed when she doesn’t get the rose at the end of it. But she gets one at the actual Rose Ceremony so it looks like Sean gets to meet her family, including her very angry thug brother. I wonder if Katie Holmes has an angry thug brother too.
Lindsay: Yeah yeah yeah, the gimmicky wedding dress hot mess…she gets awarded the rose on the group date. Clearly that rose was all about who’d swapped enough spit with Sean to fill a bathtub. I really don’t see her becoming Sean’s wifey…but maybe I’m wrong. If I am, don’t tell me. I’ll find out soon enough!
Then we get really, really bad porn music during the Rose Ceremony. And I can’t wait until Hometown Visits!