I lost all my notes about Monday night’s episode. I wasn’t paying attention while closing windows and clicked “Don’t Save” on my work. Sigh. I need this day to be over.
But I do have screenshots I took like a madwoman, and I do remember the important things, like the word RECIPROCATION. So this should be fun. Liberating even.
For me, the best episode of the entire season is always the hometown dates because you get to see what’s behind all the hair and makeup, emotional baggage and plastic boobage we’ve been shown about the girls. And we get to feel better about our own families because the ones we’re watching on our television screens are creepy wrong to creepy perfect and fifty shades of creepy in between.
So, the hometown dates:
AshLee: I felt Lifetime Movie awkward watching her whole Houston hometown visit. It’s not that I don’t believe AshLee’s ready for marriage and a family, but she’s too high maintenance on the emotional front. She’s the girl who will make you wings and pour your beer come Super Bowl time, but then she’ll want to talk all night (again) about how much she adores being able to make you wings and pour your beer and how you’re souls are connected blah blah blah. And the minute Sean wants to hang out with just his “bros” she’ll flip out and stab him with some personal organizing tool, maybe a pencil. But it’s clear her adopted parents love her to death and despite their poor choice in tablecloth (I thought Pilgrims and Indians were going to show up with Martha Steward K-Mart cavalry), they really could not have been more decent and level headed about the whole situation. And by situation I mean AshLee hogging the spotlight as she told them, in front of Sean, all about their travels and making out and groping each other’s genital flesh on the beach. Verdict: AshLee (Fail) / Family (Pass)
Catherine: This Seattle hometown date was GREAT up until Sean met Catherine’s family, all the women in her family that is.
Yes, Sean and Catherine hugged and kissed like nobody’s Sex and The City business all up and down the streets. I believe Sean is most the man he “wants to be” when he’s around Catherine. And then he totally makes me hate him when he brings flowers for Catherine’s mom and talks to her like she’s deaf and stupid, which is what most idiot white men do when they meet an older Asian woman. Meanwhile, Catherine’s mom’s English is more proper than his. Sigh. But it doesn’t matter because Catherine’s sisters talk shit about Catherine the whole night, and Catherine’s mom ignore Sean’s request for her blessing. And, well, Sean has “new concerns” about everything now. Verdict: Catherine (Pass) / Family (Fail)
Lindsay: Missouri is hometown date #3 for Sean, most of it on Lindsay’s dad’s army base. And I say “Lindsay’s dad’s” because it sounds like it’s totally his. He’s a big deal.
And our little Lindsay decides to get her freak on by making Sean dress up like he’s in boot camp and she barks at him like some bad military fetish porn film. Except, we don’t get to see them have sex while wearing camo. And despite Sean’s fear of Lindsay’s Two-star Major General father, the guy turns out to be super nice. But Sean keeps both hands on his own knees the entire time in Lindsay’s parents’ house. And Lindsay’s mom cracks me up immediately with her Megan Mullally voice and we see right away where Lindsay’s cuckoo energy comes from. Verdict: Lindsay (Pass) / Family (Pass)
Desiree: Or “Des”, as Sean’s referred to her from the beginning, gets her hometown date with Sean in L.A. She plays a prank on Sean and has some dude show up acting as an irate ex-boyfriend who is there to win her love back.
By the way I totally fall for it and feverishly typed out notes (that I then lost anyway) the entire time. Sean turned purple and nearly fought the scrawny little guy, but the prank was revealed and everyone had a good laugh including me. And that’s what’s most important right? That I laugh, yes. Well, this prank turns out to be the kiss of death for Desiree as her family arrives and everything goes to brotherly shit. Her parents seem just lovely, yet her brother “Nate” turns out to be some “White Boys n the Hood” who must have watched Eminem in 8 Mile a few too many times. And it’s clear that dear Nate had just learned his longest word, “reciprocation”, as he used it 47 times in one sentence while picking a fight with Sean. Sean, who was ready to pummel an alleged ex-boyfriend of Desiree’s, refused to let Nate bait him into a fight. It’s good to know Sean’s got his Pastor’s Kid priorities in check. Verdict: Desiree (Pass) / Family (Fail)
THE ROSE CEREMONY: Well hey now, Catherine and Lindsay brought the girls out to bat for them aka secure a rose.
And despite her last-ditch plea to Sean right before the roses were dealt out, Desiree is sent home in a very sad series of hugs and whispers and whimpers. Sigh.
And I haven’t watched Sean’s Tell All yet, but I’m actually looking forward to it. Clearly losing a Word document has warped my senses. But really, I like Sean and I am still invested in him.
See you all next week!