First Fart

Last night, I farted in front of my husband Davy. Like, for the first time.

FartDefinitionIn the nearly three years Davy and I have known each other, I managed never to emit gas from my anus while in the same room with him. I am hoping it’s at least another three years before I ever do it again. And it’s not that I have a problem with anuses. Anuses need love too.

But when I’m doing something with my anus, in Davy’s presence, I’d prefer it to be voluntarily. Last night was not voluntary, but more a result of having eaten too much fried food and then bending over at an inopportune moment and voilà. The beginning of the end.

TimelineYou’d think after having burped and barfed and even peed in a bedpan while in labor before bloody delivery, in front of Davy, I would be okay with farting in front of him. But I’m not. I’m not.

And I realize there are people who feel the same way, and those who are on the far extreme, and all sorts of platforms on fart in between. There’s the:

~ “I fart, s/he farts, we all fart for more farts and we love it, woohoo, no big deal”, type people.

~ “I fart, s/he doesn’t fart, I don’t care, woohoo, no big deal”, type people.

~ “I sometimes fart, s/he sometimes farts, it happens”, type people.

And then there are those like me. The “I can’t ever fart, he sometimes farts,” type of freak. Really, I’d rather it just not happen. But it happened.

We were sitting on the sofa watching Scandal, and as one scene was cutting away to the next I’d reached over to grab my drink off the coffee table. Apparently I reached too far and before I could stop myself, two thirds of a fart got out. It sounded like a kazoo times a thousand, at least to me. And as if there was a magnetic force hurling my back into the sofa, I chose to forego my drink and shrink into the sofa, and sat there stunned. Davy sitting right next to me did not make a sound, and when I turned my bulging eyeballs in his direction I saw he was staring straight at the television at Olivia Pope and not at his gassy wife.

I thought I was in the clear but then I smacked myself out of my fantasy. There was no way Davy had not heard that ghastly fart. I looked at him again, this time actually turning my head, and I saw right away Davy’s mouth twitch. I threw my hands up to my face and wailed and moaned while Davy laughed. It all but lasted forty seconds from fart to finish. But I will never forget it. And hope to never repeat it. No more talking about it, this 540-word blog is enough.

You don’t even want to know how long it took me to poop with Davy physically in the same house with me at the time of poop. I can’t help how I’m wired. I attribute this to my mother, who has so many unwritten rules on love and marriage she’d need a lot more tablets than Moses could ever carry in two arms.

Always dishing,

Jun

42 Comments

    1. Jun Song Author

      Yes, hence the “I can’t ever fart, he sometimes fart” classification. I just can’t. He can if he wants, so I guess I’m the one imposing this fart double standard hahaha!

      Reply
  1. OkieChris

    Hahaha Jun this is why I love you!

    I wouldn’t fart at work. I’d go out on the back dock look around to make sure NO ONE was out there when I needed to.
    I’d come home and every time I moved I’d fart from holding all day. Rich thought something was wrong with me. Hahaha
    Farts have always been apart of my life. It was my job to teach the nieces and nephews to fart on command. Lol I just could never do it in “public”
    Love ya girl!
    Chris

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      That is hilarious! HA! I was one of those people who could NEVER poop at work. I just couldn’t. Even if I needed to my psyche wouldn’t allow me and I would just wait until I got home 🙂

      Reply
  2. Becky

    Lol how funny! Me and robin are definitely the first lot of people in this blog. We find it hillarious! Dont you think its funny? im naturally a windy person, but i cant burp. maybe thats why? id explode otherwise. But I wouldn’t do a poo in front of him, or if he did in front of me we would be divorced! He always threatens me with it tho! Ha!

    Reply
  3. kcsmum

    Hilarious. I thought of you & Momz last night while watching TAR. The “best friends” team are a couple of darling Asian girls. To make a long story short, the girls got lost on a jet ski and in explaining why they weren’t more adept at navigating and such they explained that their moms did not subscribe to the “you’re wonderful & you can do anything” theory. They explained that common questions were more like “why do you have a pimple” or “why is your hair flat today”. I could just envision Momz in this role. 😉

    Reply
  4. For whatever reason, it decided not to post my entire comment so I will try this again….
    OooohhhhMyyyyGaaawwwddddd, LMAO. You had me laugh crying while reading! This is why we love you, your quirky moments/habits and all. 😉 I am not laughing at your embarrassing moment, only your and Davy’s reaction to it happening.
    You should blog us a few of the momz rules you mention. It would be interesting to see how many we follow or believe in ourselves.

    Reply
  5. Anonymous

    I think the first fart is the official end to the honeymoon period in a marriage. It was good while it lasted, eh? 🙂 I saw your post on twitter about your fart and I had to laugh. We have all been there and have all wanted to shrink away for those unexpected gas leaks. btw…. Love you Jun!

    Reply
  6. Jenn

    This is why I’m not married or dating right now. I have poop and gas issues. I love to fart and poop makes me feel skinnier. I love to just let em rip. You go Jun, I could never feel comfortable in front of another person male or female, husband or friend. Now I just let em rip. Another benefit of being single.

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      I hear you! But I’ve been single for very small pockets of time. When I was dating this or that guy I still made sure my farts and poops were my secret “single behavior” hahaha! I used to hate having guys over or staying over at their places because it would mess with my morning poop schedule hahaha! Sigh.

      Reply
  7. You are not alone! Let’s see, nearly 25 years for me and my biggest fear is that he KNOWS because I do it in my sleep! We never talk about…like you said, been through kids, sickness, etc., yet the thought of noisy gas passing through and making a sound makes me feel that I would need to leave, put a burqa on and live in a cave the rest of my life.

    Reply
  8. melissa wolf

    Jun your a great writer and story teller. I love reading your blogs. I do have to say being married to my best friend for 22 years you do spend alot wasted time in the beginning hiding and holding things that you both do. Just like motherhood marriage is a adjustment believe me in 20 years you will really laugh looking back on this blog.

    Reply
  9. This time it has taken me even longer than usual to comment. It’s not easy to type and wipe away tears simultaneously.

    I may be sorry for asking but have you ever experienced vaginal farts during sex? Being a Kinsey 6, I’m always curious. I also fear the answer but I’m feeling brave today.

    Reply
  10. Totally Tab

    The best thing I’ve read all week. (Besides your other blogs, of course ) hilarious, I laughed so hard I snorted.

    As always, thanks for the smiles Jun

    Reply
  11. Michael Payan

    OMG! You and my wife are so much alike! When she would spend the night at my place, she would not go # 2 in my place. She would wait until she went home the next morning! Even now, after being together for about 3 yrs, and married for a year and a 1/2, she won’t fart around me. And when she does at night when she’s asleep, I just smile, and I’ll tell her about it in the morning.

    Reply
  12. Caroline

    OK I started to read your blog from the beginning and this post I really needed it, made my day thank you Jun. Hope to read more like these. The description of the moment is amazing, I can just imagine it in my head…love your blog, so well written and with great humor.

    Reply

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