It took me so long to get through last night’s premiere of Big Brother Canada, because I had to pause here and there while typing furiously. There was so much material in one hour. As a non-Canadian viewer, I love the cast and all their incredibly messy lives.
The house is 13,000 square feet, with 77 cameras and 50 microphones, and the game goes on for 75 days. The host, Arisa Cox, sounds alarmingly like Julie Chen. And thus, it will be Arisa or Coxbot from here on out. The prize is $100K, plus a car, plus a $25K shopping spree at The Brick (they furnished the BB Canada house).
The house “has a snowy outdoor chalet with steaming hot tub” in addition to a sunny outdoor area. Sick. And we finally get to meet the houseguests. Overall, I’d say Canadian houseguests are louder and more huggier than American houseguests:
Aneal: We come upon him in a library and well, he’s adorably nerdy. He’s a diehard fan of Big Brother, including feeds and playing in Big Brother pools and reading blogs (he’d better have read mine) and he’s forum freak too. He’s one of the first to claim a bed upon entering the house. And his voice gets so low, I wish he was a South Park character.
Suzette: She says she’s in her “dirty 30s”, love it, and she starts crying when she’s told she has to leave upon receiving her key to the house. I cried too. It was like a smack in the face that this was real. But she seems way cooler as a mom of three than any other moms of three on Big Brother.
Kat: Seems to be a kickass bartender, putting my License in Mixology to shame. And, um, she can hit a baseball like I can give head. Better than most girls. She’s another one that claims a bed right away. Oh, and she “can’t stand princess-y girls with boobs out giggling”…
When she gets her key she says, “I feel like a celebrity already.” And I feel like hating her already. All of her life experiences sound like they happened in a bar, as she tells us two different bar stories in her brief intro. “When I walk into a bar…” and “This one time I was at the bar…” I kid you not. And her speech and intonation is as such that her last syllable always sounds so high-pitched you’d think a finger just flew in her ass out of thin air.
Alec: So this dude thinks that being a social psychologist is like “having a Masters Degree in Big Brother because it is social psychology”. Right. Studying it and living in it are totally different. Oh, and he wore some lime green highlighters on his feet as shoes.
Talla: She’s got one of those sick bodies with which you can get away with walking around body painted. But then again, she’s a furry vest in the summer kinda girl. She hopes there is “eye candy” in the house, and she’s even good with “girl candy” too. She claims she’s willing to “break a couple of hearts in the house”, which she almost never made it into as her fourteen-inch hells prevented her from walking down the stairs and into the house. She walked down the stairs BACKWARDS.
Andrew: Turns out he’s a twin. And his twin brother Pete, is married with children. Andrew was supposed to get married but his fiancée bailed on him last minute. Woah. And Andrew just really wants a family like Pete’s. Awwwwww. And he’s looking for love in the house, if it’s there, and love looks like Sandra Bullock.
Jillian: How convenient for Andrew, because Jillian tells us she’s always mistaken for Sandra Bullock. Ugh, she turns out to have a crazy annoying voice and since we know she’s still healing from a broken long term relationship, I’m just gonna throw it out there and say this girl needs to have some dirty sex. Even if it’s with a stranger. Just protect herself and get her bang on. She’s so intense. But Andrew doesn’t seem to care as he follows her around like a lost puppy dog looking for a lactating tit.
AJ: I don’t understand. Has he somehow had three different jobs since last week? I’ve seen him claim at least three different occupations in that time. Which then makes sense, when he tells us he lives in a rented basement apartment downstairs from his parents’ home. He lies to girls he manages to get back to his rented basement apartment about his housing status, and probably about his occupation, and also wears sunglasses like these indoors while looking at himself in his mother’s mirror:
I can’t even make this shit up.
Tom: He’s another douchebag, although different than the AJ species. Tom tells us, proudly, “I’m in the house for titties” and OMG he’s in luck because he immediately falls in love with Danielle’s titties. And he also tells us, “Gay people annoy the shit out of me. Well, the flamboyant ones”.
Gary: Well, Gary’s a flamboyant gay who, like woah, can play ice hockey. But his voice sounds more like a girl’s than most of my female neighbors’ do around here. “Where the fuck am I gonna sleep?” Gary asks out loud, upon discovering there are no more beds left. Hmmm. Aneal tells us that he’d find Gary funny, but his “annoyance cancels out the funny”. But that’s okay becuase Gary doesn’t like Aneal anyway because Gary’s in love-lust with Emmett.
Emmett: Turns out to be very much so a fair-locked farm boy, but he is also tattooed with four brothers living on an eight generation family farm. I wonder if they all run around singing like Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. And he has a gay brother who came out to him, before he did to many others, and we see Emmett’s brother telling him to “Watch out for the gay guy”. It’s sweet. And good for Canada for bringing to the forefront a homophobe and flamboyant gay man and straight man with a gay brother right away.
Liza: Well, she doesn’t disappoint and turns out to be a hot orange mess of a hot mess. She tells us she “was always destined for reality tv” and I gulp. She’s been under one too many tanning bulbs and she packs gallons of bronzer to supplement her already unnatural skin color. And she creams her panties about Tom, which doesn’t surprise me. This girl is textbook hot mess.
Emerald: She tells us that “the nails have to look fly at all times”. And that Topaz is not her nickname, but who she is. Huh? Yeah, she tells us she’s a chameleon, which is why she needs different gem names apparently. Emerald…Topaz… But Alec seems to have fallen in love with her so maybe she can use her gems to her advantage.
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There’s a phone in the house. If/when it rings, the first houseguest to reach the phone gets a message from “Big Brother” giving them explicit and secret instructions for a challenge they must perform. Pandora’s Box, much? I hope not.
So, this phone rings. The houseguests are clueless so the self-proclaimed mama bear Suzette picks up the phone. She’s told she is the HOH and must nominate two people for eviction within the hour and she must not tell anyone. She hangs up the phone, cackles like a hyena about nobody being on the phone and then immediately paces like a paranoid freak while eating her lipgloss. Awesome.
So Suzette turns out to be the first ever HOH in Big Brother Canada history. She ends up nominating Tom and Emmett, and the two guys pledge allegiance to each other and protection of their alpha testicles. The POV is played with Suzette and the two testicles and Peter, Aneal and Gary drawn at random. The POV competition corniness seems to be on par with that of their American counterparts.
The six have to wear purple unitards with a spiked belt in an effort to pop balloons holding puzzle pieces for the win. Suzette looks like a slight crushed grape during this whole train wreck of a POV competition.
Tom wins. Liza drools while watching him the entire time. I saw steam coming out of her vaginal region.
And now someone gets evicted tonight.
I’m out of words for now.
Always dishing, Jun
~ If you missed my First Impressions blog, you can read it here.