Finding a Balance

In the course of any given 24 hours I always pride myself in finding a balance in who I am be it mother or wife, daughter or daughter-in-law, or someone’s employee or friend, etc. I’m always “Jun”, but just like everyone else I’m a lot of other things to a lot of other people. If you were to make an actual list of things you are to someone else, today, it’d be longer than you think because it’s not something you necessarily think about consciously.

With little Noah down and out and all around chickenpox’d, he and everyone else in my current household are drained and feeling helpless.

Chickenpox

There’s little worse than watching a baby suffer for the sake of immunization, or for any reason for that matter. I’ve been crying a lot these last few days, not heaving “I can’t breathe” tears but annoying leaky little “I feel so helpless” ones. I realize my tears are 90% exhaustion and 10% the natural drama queen in me, but 100% struggles in finding a balance.

I’m not ashamed to admit that this morning, after a few sleepless nights of caring for Noah’s aches and itches, I found myself struggling to find that balance between being a good mother and wife, and daughter too. Knowing full well I can’t do it “all”, I always want to do it all and well.

With my mother visiting, I’m both relieved and remorseful about this last week. I am grateful for her loving heart and extra set of helping hands, but I feel bad that my mother’s been relegated to staying in and playing nurse and maid during her trip. She, of course, would rather be caring for little Noah than seeing sights and touring old Europe. But I can’t help but feel guilty that this trip isn’t more of a vacation for her, and that last night I snapped at her.

Davy and I had been up for two hours trying to comfort Noah, and when my mother came to check in on all the fuss at 3am I was harsh with her. I apologized to her today and she answered, “I know.” Those two little words touched my heart.

“Don’t worry for me, you taking good care of Noah,” she said, “and don’t forgetting having sex with Davy.”

And she told me how I should never stop being a wife to Davy, no matter how sick Noah was, and that I had done the right thing accompanying him to his laser surgery yesterday leaving Noah at home with her. My mother then told me how proud she was of me for being so “capable” of so many things she didn’t think she could ever do, and how my father must be so proud watching over me. And she said this all with a straight face while fat tears rolled down my face.

So then I told her sex was something Davy and I did not ever forget to have and that we had a quickie earlier, in the garage just for fun, while she was upstairs playing with Noah.

“Good. See? Everything good.” she answered.

And in that moment, everything became good and I felt a sense of balance all over again. But I can’t promise I won’t be a hormonal hot mess all over again tomorrow.

Always dishing,

Jun

 

40 Comments

  1. Melissa

    We’ve all been there. And in a way thank goodness your mom is there to help she probably would have been upset if she were not. Its hard too watch little ones suffer. He’ll will get through this and you won’t, luckly have to deal with this again. I’m grateful I won’t have to deal with this with my autistic daughter it probably would be a nightmare too. Hang in there your doing great.

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      You’re right. I’m imagining going through this and have my mother have to see/hear about it over Skype. It would kill her. Thank you for the support from one mommy to another!

      Reply
  2. Sparky

    I would hazard a guess that Momz is happy to be there. I know I would be very upset if my child and grandchild were miserable and I couldn’t be there to help soothe them both. It’s a big blessing for you both. Being a Mom is hard even when your “baby” is all grown up. Another few days and the worst will be behind you all. Much love to you all.

    Reply
  3. Wo

    Guilt is what I felt while reading this Jun. My wonderful mother had watched my 3 year old daughter for us while my husband & I went on a mini-vacation. The day we left she came down with the ‘pox’. So, the guilt of the vacation was doubled knowing my mother was dealing with all that came with the ‘pox’. Oy-vey. Thanks goodness for wonderful grandmothers out there.

    Reply
  4. I think Momz being there is a blessing, but not in the way you would think. This is showing her beyond any doubt, that she did her job of raising you well. She is seeing how you handle being a wife, a Umma and a daughter under these dire circumstances, and she is seeing the warrior woman that you are. When she leaves to go home, she will know she is leaving a capable woman in charge of her home, and not her scared little girl. BE THE SUN!, Jun

    Reply
  5. Big hugs to you Jun and all of the family. Seeing that picture of little Noah breaks my heart. Even though we know all kids go through it! I have “fat tears” running down my face too…knowing that in my heart and yours that your Dad IS watching and IS very proud of you…for EVERYTHING that you do. I lost my Dad 18 years ago, when I was just 18 and sometimes people say little things that make missing him so much better…and so much worse…so I know how much your Mom’s words meant…even if she didn’t mean to make them so impactful! Keep your chin up…you’re a great Mom and a great wife…and a great daughter!!

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Thank you Erika! OMG my heart breaks every time I look at Noah. And having my mother here reminds me of just how amazing my father was and how perfect it would be if he was here with us still :)

      Reply
  6. kcsmum

    I know I often go all MOM on you, even when I’m trying hard to be just a friend. But I always learn from you too and I realized reading this today that I don’t tell you “thank you” enough. I so needed this little balance blog, more than I’ve wanted to burden you with of late. So thanks, Jun, for putting it all in perspective. Now, on to sex in the garage?!?!?? I can recall the days when you would not go within 10 feet of the garage for any reason! I think Belgium just may be turning you into a country girl. As a wise woman once said, “it’s all good.”

    Reply
  7. Hammy

    Everyone should have a Momz like yours

    My guess is that Momz would not want to be anywhere else this week. Everything happens for a reason and she was where she was meant to be

    Keep the balance, everything else will always fall into place … always

    Reply
  8. Kelly banes

    This blog is amazing Jun. Totally made me cry lol. You are an amazing wife, mom, daughter, friend ect. No one is perfect and we all learn as we go along. It’s so easy to over analyze everything, but sometimes you need to just relax and trust your instinct. Noah will be ok. Hang in there. Love ya!
    Ps..
    I totally agree with Richard D. :)

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      You’re right! Sometimes I’m way too hard on myself but I can’t help it hahah! I’ve always been such a control freak. Sigh.

      Noah seems to be on the mend. Thank god!

      Reply
  9. June you are doing great and learning more and more everyday about the wonders and the pain and joy of Motherhood…..and your Momz already knows this so that is why she is so proud of you and loves being on hand to help you. One day I promise you will look back and laugh at how crazy things got. I also promise that this won’t be the last time you stay up and walk the floors worrying about your baby. This is all part of what comes with the territory, but despite how many sleepless nights you have absolutely nothing can diminish the total joy and soaring of your heart when you see your baby bounce back and smile. And Noah will bounce back faster than you think. Glad you and Dave can still get the sex on despite the fatigue, the crazy bond you share as a family is what will keep you a close knit and loving family.

    I remember once when my son was sick, I was up all day and night pacing the floor with him. Then to my horror I apparently fell asleep while walking him so of course that also meant I dropped him. I was besides myself with terror that I had caused him great harm as he just cried even more from the shock of his abrupt departure from Mommy’s arms. But his guardian angel was looking out for him so both Mommy and baby were fine. When my baby became a teen, I admit to many laughs we shared when I would tell him it was my dropping him on his head that caused all his teenage antics that drove me up the wall.

    Continue to enjoy every single second of Motherhood there is absolutely nothing in the world that can give you such joy and such heartache at the same time. :-)

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      OMG thanks for sharing your story! Laughing so many years after the fact is the best medicine for the heart and soul :). I am enjoying everything, but still retain my title as Supreme Drama Queen hahaha!

      Reply
  10. Another tear jerk-er that I will relish for awhile. So happy for you, Momz, Davy, & Noah. I can really feel the love you all have for each other through your wonderful words. You know how bad you hurt because of Noah’s pain? Your mom feels that for you. I learned that from my Mom when Matt was about 3 and she watchet him while I went to the infertility guy to get a sonogram. We had done IVF again, I was pregnant but it stopped dividing. When I came home and told her she just grabbed and hugged me. That day I realized it would be the same for me and Matt. Thanks for reminding me of that wonderful memory.

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Thank you for sharing that Lynda. To tell you the truth I didn’t even think about how my mother might be feeling in regards to the angst I was in over Noah. Makes sense hahaha, and I’m sure if and when I’m a grandma watching Noah care for his chicken-poxed child I will think about this story! :)

      Reply

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