On Days Like These

On days like these I really miss my dad. I’m a grown up but I’m not all grown-up, not at all, and I need him still. I need him today. How selfish I sound, but I mean it.

My dad always chose the hardest choices in making decisions and made them fast, knowing that the hardest make also the best of choices. I need him to help me make some hard choices today. Everything he taught me and instilled in me, and passed on to me I will never take for granted but today I just want him. Whatever I’ve learned or had instilled in me, or passed on to me visibly or invisibly is not enough today.

I want to hear my dad’s baritone voice and see his thick glasses on his face and big old head. I want to hear him say my name Jun Mi, my full Korean name he would always say with emphasis on the “Mi”, before telling me something serious. Because I have some serious things to talk to him about today. There’s so much weighing on my mind my neck hurts.

On a day like this when I wish I could just call him and see him and ask him to fix everything, just like he always used to without ever a doubt because that’s what my dad did. Quiet and gentle, always the voice of reason in a world of unreason, my dad had this indescribable gift of putting everyone at ease. It just happened. I need him to put me at ease today.

My dad was so young when he died, only forty-nine, but he was really 51 years old. There were thousands of immigrants who had their birth years adjusted when they got to America in the 1970s, and both my parents were granted access to the United States with their birth years altered by two years. They never knew why either. So from 1976 until 2004, my dad lived with faulty but legal paperwork. But when he died in 2004, to my mother and the rest of our family none of it mattered, my dad was buried free of everything most of all suffering.

There are so many ways to lose a parent. News headlines tell us that every damn day, and what doesn’t make the news doesn’t make the losses any smaller. On days like these I feel the familiar anger around why my dad got so sick and why he had to be so sick up until his last breath and why he had to be so young and be taken away from so many people who loved him and sought him out. He was needed. He is needed.

It’s so unfair.

Always dishing,

Jun

16 Comments

  1. Heather

    I’m so sorry, Jun. the pain of losing a loved one never goes away – it just ebbs and flows. Today is rough for you. Perhaps he’s looking over your shoulder right now and so you feel him more. Skype with Momz..

    Reply
  2. Anastasia

    I am sorry you’re hurting, too. My Father is gone as well and his birthday is in 11 days…I need him too so I know exactly what you’re feeling. It sucks!

    Reply
  3. Kim Bates

    I feel bad for you and I hope you can find some comfort in hugging your little Noah today and knowing a part of your dad is right there.

    Reply
  4. Sparky

    There are no easy answers to your questions or really any answers at all that I know of. Just know that you have plenty of love surrounding you and then make the best choices you can for you and your family. Hugs and love from me.

    Reply
  5. It must be hard on days like these.

    I hope that you manage to find at least some comfort in the family you’re currently with, and know that your father is right there with you, smiling with pride at the incredible life his Jun Mi has made for herself!! 🙂 <3

    Reply
  6. we all feel so much love for you Jun and a strong connection though most of us have never met you. May our collective thoughts of cheering you on in life somehow make you smile when you face tough times.

    Reply
  7. Margaret

    My heart aches for you, dear Jun. 🙁 I just spent some time tonight at a friend’s house as his mother is hours away from passing. No matter the age, losing a parent is never easy. We just learn to carry their memories in our hearts.

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Yes, we do. But some days those memories hurt more than they help 🙁

      I hope your friend finds some peace in moments during the day…

      Reply

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