Desiree Hartsock is ready to “weed out the boys from the men” as she toasts “To new faces and new hot bodies!”
~ According to previews we have some fist fights to look forward to this season as the drama hits all time highs and behavioral lows. ABC loves it. They love exploiting unhinging mental cases.
~ According to previews Desiree cries a lot this season, but in the end it sounds like she’s crying for good reasons as she screeches, “I’ve never felt so loved” about some anonymous bachelor. I wonder whom she was referring to. But I can wait. No spoilers. Please.
~ According to Chris Harrison, Des’s “smile and her laugh are contagious.” Well then. That was obvious considering his eyes were traveling down her body as she walked towards him from out of the limo.
Here are the six bachelors Des awarded First Impression Roses to before the first Rose Ceremony ever happened, and yes one of the guys is topless:
I’m baffled at the sheer array…
I’m going to start by saying I was grossly mistaken about some of my pre-season bachelor assessments, and right on the money about most. Somehow four of my Top 7 Picks received First Impression Roses: Nick M., Drew, Michael G., and Zak W.
Brandon – So scrumptious yet comes on very heavy to Des with talk of his mother who is now “seven years sober”, and a coin his mother had given him which he flips to determine life’s paths, etc… Hold it together Brandon.
Nick M. – Exits the limo and reads Des a poem he wrote. Reality television poems usually turn my stomach but his is actually decent. Apparently decent enough to get him a First Impression Rose.
Drew – Is the first to exit the limo last night, and he’s pretty cute. “Mmm-mmm-mmm,” says Des as she watches him walk away. He, like Brandon, has a tough childhood story-past but he doesn’t dump it on Des the first night (like Brandon did).
Zack K. – He seemed so natural and comfortable despite wearing a tuxedo at some cocktail party with weirdos, and I like his vibe. I think he’s my possible dark horse this season.
Michael G. – Basically bombs his grand entrance with a failed attempt to find Des’s old penny in the fountain and it doesn’t matter because I’m so distracted by his Mike Tyson voice. Clearly Des is into it as she gives him a First Impression Rose.
Zak W. – I was so wrong about him. On paper he sounds funny but on television he is coked out or something. He was flying on some form of pharma and shirtless the entire evening, and even jumping into the pool. Because that’s what people on drugs do on television. He totally has that Matty McDonald BB9 shine to him.
Jonathan – He has psycho ex-boyfriend type voice, and he gives Des a “fantasy suite card” as an introduction. Really, the producers let him have a “fantasy suite” set up in the mansion and he wanted Des to make out with him in there. This dude straight-up harasses her in attempt to get her inside that room alone. “My love tank has not been depleted for years…” is among the choice lines he has before he is asked to leave. Yes, Des tells him to leave before the Rose Ceremony. Good for her.
Well, most of my “Red Flags” stayed which is great since it means there’s plenty of horrible bachelors to tear apart every week. Incidents worth noting from the premiere:
Brad is still here although he brought Des a dried-up creepy wishbone to break with him.
Like, do we even know where that bone has been or where it’s from to begin with? And what if that thing had pierced his nuts while he was riding in the limo?! Did he not feel funny carrying around remnants of some dinner he once had?!
O.M.G. I knew who was in the knight’s armor getting out of the limo right away.
How did I know? His bubble butt. You can totally still see it through all that armor. Poor Diogo. I was going to call him Diogay if he stuck around, but he went home all sad and pouty.
Then Juan Pablo, who turned out to be exactly like I thought he’d be and even worse because upon meeting Des he gives her a very patronizing pronunciation lesson of his own name. The “Juan” is not “Wahn” but “Who + ahn” like this guy is in love with himself. And of course Des keeps him because his accent and a vibrator would feel good at some point. What? Yeah. But his inflated sense of self sucks.
Then there was Kasey, Mr. Social Media Man and he spoke in hashtags all night. Embarrassing. Yes, he literally and constantly said the word “hashtag” before finishing his sentences and I only wish I could have hashtagged his mouth closed.
Last and least I’ll mention Nick R., the tailor and magician who wishes he could just be a magician all the time.
He pulled out what looked like a badly-rolled joint out of his pocket during his introduction to Des, and he sets it on fire. I’m surprised his hair or Des’s didn’t explode with all the hair products and fumes in the flame’s proximity. Poor Nick R. left crying “I’m not just a magician!” yet all he did all night was magic tricks. Besides, we knew it was over when Des asked Nick R, “Are you a magician full-time?”
Moving on to my initial “Just Not Readies”…
Bryden – We open the season premiere of The Bachelorette on the Sunday before Memorial Day with Bryden. ABC serves him up in all but a big red ribbon as a military man and dog lover who is “happy it’s Desiree”. He’s sweet and all, but I’m so distracted because at some angles he reminds me of Aidan from Sex and the City.
Chris and Dan are boring, and James has psycho voice as well and perhaps some control issues as he demands “loyalty”.
It turns out one of the “Nice Enough Guys” I pegged, may not be such a nice guy. He’s got a First Impression Rose, and his name is Ben.
Ben’s line of the night is “Whatever it takes man,” about being accused of using his adorable son Brody to get melt Des into a pool of toddler goo. Brody stepped out of the limo, took his dad’s hand and handed a flower over to Des.
Not a villain…is Will.
Will is cliché ad nauseum and he’s a high-fiver, but he’s the only one to step up and stop Psycho Fantasy Suite Jonathan from attempting to molest Des. I think Will’s also re-interpreted the Stockholm Syndrome and fallen in love with the damsel in distress, Des, after that incident. He looooves her.
I couldn’t cover everyone, because 25 dudes is way too many for me to handle right now. I will close in saying everyone was way too tanned, overall.