It doesn’t matter to anyone and it shouldn’t, but I just want it on record that I now know everyone’s names now on The Bachelorette. I’ll forget all their names as soon as the season’s over but I know them now and I’m ridiculously glib. If I ever run into one of these bachelors on the street somewhere in the world I can address him by name as I point and laugh at the fact that he danced very badly, with a bunch of other white guys on The Bachelorette, in a rap video with Soulja Boy.
Desiree did the best she could but what matters is that she’s the most naturally and classically beautiful bachelorettes we’ve had as a leading lady, in a while. It’s refreshing not to see inflated breasts and stretched out lips and shit.
With that said, let’s get to the takeaways from this week’s episode of The Bachelorette. Anyone I don’t mention bores me and I reserve the right to ignore them in this blog:
. . .
8 Bachelorette Musts
1. There must be drama. This season offers us a spinoff of The Real Housewives franchise via Mikey T. and Michael G., who are ready to Giudice Prostitution Whore table flip on Ben any minute now.
Michael G. is pinched so tight everywhere he is subliminally flaming gay. Poor Ben, or maybe not because Ben thinks he’s oh so smooth and I think he’s trying too hard and talks too slow to not be hiding something.
2. There must be a fake wedding. This season we see Brooks and Des go to a bridal boutique and play dress-up over and over again to the point of I think this is weird and unnecessary. I don’t care if it’s worked for “another couple” I just don’t like it. But their date at the base of the Hollywood sign was very cool, despite Brooks reminding me of Norman Bates sometimes.
I did feel for him though when Des asked about his parents’ divorce when he was younger. Desiree might be used to speaking more openly about her past now in front of a camera, but Brooks wasn’t prepared. He’s a nice guy but I don’t love him for Des. Too soft.
3. There must be hairproducts. Every time the camera pans to a bachelor during the cocktail party my eyes are drawn to their hair. There’s so much gooey plastered cement hair in the mansion that I fear for a combustible flame at any minute. It’s a good thing the angry pyro-magician dude went home.
4. There must be humiliation. Never mind the whole rap video…poor Brandon. Although he seemed to enjoy it too at times, Brandon had to put on some loincloth jock strap and as he described it, “juggle my junk in her vicinity” for the rap video:
WTF is going on?! Yeah. I love it. Brandon’s an emotional trainwreck after a horrid childhood and ABC is letting him get free therapy via reality television, but he’s so adorably doable it all works out.
5. There must be a junkie. And by junkie, I mean someone who’s dependent on drugs in my opinion. That’s Zak W. this season, and I’ve mentioned this before. First of all, he gives Des some “antique journal” as a gift and it’s got some inscription on it from a father who’d given the journal to his daughter Cara as a gift. That’s it. No story, and it’s some mysterious creepy journal. And then Zak’s totally dozing off during the Rose Ceremony like a meth-head. Seriously.
And he somehow still gets a rose. Why? Does Des want to be with someone who’s The Mask one minute and Droopy the next?
6. There must be hot tub time. We get it through Bryden, who turns out to be that rare breed of man who is raw material waiting to be molded. My initial assessment of “Just Not Ready” is still yet to be determined, but Bryden certainly seems to be new to everything. He and Des take a mini-roadtrip up the Californian coast and it ends in a wet steamy hot tub. It went verbatim like this:
Des: Just kiss me already.
Bryden: Just, just go for it?
B: Come here…
Bryden’s “Come here” had just enough playfulness and gruff that it made for one of the best moments of the night for me. Bryden admits he’s been “hiding in the military” to avoid love because he wasn’t ready, but now he’s ready. Let’s see.
7. There must be scar stories. We also get this through Bryden, although he doesn’t boohoo about it the minute he gets Des alone like some other Debbie Downers in the bunch. Nevertheless, Bryden did bring photos to show Des of his near-death accident years ago. There was one of the crushed truck he was pulled out of, and the one of his crushed head in a hospital bed….
And the white pus-filled flesh wound that was so disgusting Desiree completely ignored and flipped over immediately but I caught:
I didn’t get a douchey vibe from Bryden despite the photos and his talking about how he broke ribs and collapsed a lung, had a stitched up shoulder and broken collarbone, and yet still enlisted in the army a year after that horrible accident was heartfelt.
8. There must be a joker. It turns out it’s Mikey T., and he personifies it in his role in the music video.
He’s another one I can’t believe is still there
As a matter of fact, I think there are way too many bachelors still left after saying goodbye to Nick M., Robert The Sign Guy, and Will.
We need to cut more bachelors asap.
Too many to keep track of…