It’s nine years, today, that my father passed away and that’s a lot of years. You can do so much in nine years yet it can fly by somehow, even with a gaping hole where your father used to be. Time flies so fast yet weighs so much when certain days of the year pop up…like today.
I’m a different person from the outside looking in, now, than I was nine years ago. Nine years ago on this day I was in a relationship with one boyfriend “M”, while still in love with an ex-boyfriend “B”. When I got the call that morning from the intensive care unit that my father had passed, it was B that I reached out to first and instinctively. A few days later at my father’s funeral, both B and M were present. So was Jee, another ex-boyfriend, whom I didn’t love anymore but so thankful for on that day. I remember, when I got up to speak at the wake, seeing B and M and Jee in one room and how odd it was.
Today on Skype my mother and I laughed as she retold how church people had remarked about how “interesting” it was that I had “so many men” at my father’s funeral “all at once” and other bullshit. Momz sighed and admitted how she’d let those people get under her skin. She then told me that B and Jee were there because my father had loved them, and they had fallen in love with my dad in return so why wouldn’t they have been there to say their goodbyes…
The thing is…my mother and I have this conversation every year since my dad passed away. Literally, almost verbatim, we end up exchanging the same lines but meaning them more than we did the year before. Nine years have passed like this. Now, my mother and I add to that conversation just how much my father would love Davy. I know Davy would love my dad.
It’s tricky spending a day like this “not” thinking about the death of my dad, knowing full well that it’s impossible but that the key is to spending the day living my everyday. Nine years worth of everyday life have passed, some days fuller than others, and today my life is full of Davy and Noah. Literally, today, my dad got to watch from above as Noah checked out a local pre-school for his enrollment in September of next year.
More than on other days, today I tried imagining I was looking at Noah through my father’s eyes. It’s not even possible really, because I just started crying immediately at just the thought. What I would give to spend a day with my dad, any day…
P.S. If you’re wondering whatever happened to M…he cheated on me a month later but gave me a diamond necklace which I debated accepting but did.