Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

Big Brother 12 Memories

I was going through some of my old files and found these cast assessments from Big Brother 12. I can’t believe I was so right yet so wrong about some of these guys…and how my writing pretty much sucked back then compared to now…

Doesn’t season 12 seem soooooo long ago?

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Dear Andrew:

You look way better in your headshot than you do on the show. You should just walk around with your headshot in front of your face. And okay, so you’re about to hit 40 and you live in Miami Beach. You’re a podiatrist with a daughter. And you put ESPN before her on the “what I’ll miss” scale. Seriously? And you want to be part Kaysar, part Will, part George, and part Russell. Um, you’re going to base your strategy on FOUR previous strategies? Yeah. Ew. Get a clue.

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Dear Annie:

I like you, a lot. And not just because you’re bisexual, that just makes you hot. I think I might love you. But it’s still early. I’m totally into you which means I’m having a hard time writing about you. This is a good thing. I’ll be watching though. i’m quite the voyeur.

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Dear Brendon:

Good god you are a fine specimen of a man. Before the premiere I thought you were a tool, but if you’re a tool then I want to be handy. I can learn to appreciate you. You are a Scorpion, I get along with Scorpions. I really should write more about your gameplay but it’s still early…

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Dear Britney:

You would be my nightmare in the BB house. You are lovable. And why don’t you want to live with old people? Why is everyone this summer so anti-oldies?!?! I like you. But I will probably want to impale you with a hammer at some point soon. You said that you have been “dying” to be on Big Brother. I hate hearing that. It’s always bothered me the whole “dying to” idea. Maybe I won’t like you after all.

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Dear Enzo:

I’m sorry. It is a sincere (and only) apology you will ever receive from me. I’m sorry that I’ve been making fun of you (and those like you) my whole life. I mean it. My whole life. Even in the womb I would cringe when a Jersey-sapien-douche came within earshot. And what do you MEAN you are an “insurance adjuster” part-time, like you adjust people’s legs until they are broken as insurance for something? OMG.

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Dear Hayden:

Hayden, Hayden, Hayden. How cool is your name? Hayden Moss. You should be a porn star. You look like one. Hayden, you are so boring. You remind me of Nathan from BB4. Yeah, I’ll never forget that kid for almost convincing me that stereotypes about “country boys” are all true. I think you’re going to end up being a bitter jury member, like Nathan. And cry. I hope you cry.

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Dear Kathy:

I will get over this soon, but I can’t believe you live in a place called Texarkana. Like, WTF?! Is that a real place? Wow, now I’m even MORE scared of Arizona. I have to say you’re pretty cute, stunning even, at the ripe age of 40. And you’re a fucking Deputy Sherriff Sergeant chick. Wow. That’s HAWT. 

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Dear Kristen:

You tell us you’re always misunderstood. Very true. I don’t understand you at all. It doesn’t help that at first glance, oh god, you remind me of Ali from BB4…not so much your looks but maybe the evils that lurk in your eyes. What the fuck is your strategy anyway? You say you’re “going to be the kind of player noone has ever seen before” but what does that mean?! 

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Dear Lane:

Are you related to JT from Survivor? Are you guys kissing cousins? Can I tell you something? Getting to know people who buy oilrigs is not the same thing as getting to know people who live in the BB house. Your sales skills on Texans will not work in the Big Brother world. I bet you and Hayyyyyden will work out together.

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Dear Matt:

You’re married, yay. You’re a true fan of the show, yay. Of all the people, you want to have a Bromance with Jeff from last season. Great. And you wants to emulate Dan, winner of Season 10%. Geez. You are as sexy as John Madden. You’ve got an IQ in the top 2% my Korean ass. You’re so totally forgettable.

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Dear Monet:

You bother me. Your presence irks me. I can’t wait until your break. I will sit down with some lemon sorbet and watch you fall. You say, “Big Brother has had too many trashy bimbos on the show – it’s time they step up their standards and put a classy girl like myself in the house.” I don’t know anyone who refers to themselves as classy…and turns out to be classy. Ew. You bore me too. And you “work as a model somewhat” now. What does that even mean? Is that like when I say I “take it in the ass somewhat?”

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Dear Rachel:

You are a walking, steamy hot pile of mess. But you’re endearing. I want to adopt you for a few days. You refer to yourself as: a model, a cocktail server, a chemist, a student, a charity head… What is a charity head?! I think it’s nice you give head for charitable purposes. I predict you will gain at least 11 pounds while in the house. But I will still like you by the end.

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Dear Ragan:

I would hate you if he were my professor. I can say this because I have one just like you for my Intermediate French 202 class this semester. All that sour hardball candy strategy stuff you were talking was slightly sexually awkward for me. And sweetie, you seriously won’t be able to pay your $300,000 in school loans off with the prize money, which you will never win anyway. Sorry. For whatever reason, I don’t like you. You make me cringe. 

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Dear Saboteur:

You are lame. I don’t like you. You’re a gimmick. But you’re making everyone even more paranoid than they already were. So you can stay.

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Always dishing,

Jun

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