Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

Crazy Mommy

It’s been a week since we’ve been home from our trip in Normandy. With my husband Davy down with bronchitis all week, and Noah achy after having his last round of vaccinations… It’s been that kind of week. The weeks that are so exhausting you don’t bother talking about it, because you’d rather expend what energy you have on something you want to do. I want to write, and watch Big Brother 15, and film my little Noah taking steps on his own.

Never camera-shy, Noah’s been particularly resisting being filmed while he takes some of his first steps this week. I can’t read his toddler mind, but I’m convinced he’s waiting to be a little sturdier. I can’t blame him…

I have to learn to ride a bike this summer, and by “have” I mean I bought a brand-new bicycle a month ago. I haven’t touched it, and money doesn’t go on trees, so I have to learn to ride this bike and put my money to good use. It’s a goal of mine this summer, and I wouldn’t want someone filming my clumsy Korean ass wobbling and falling off the bicycle. So I can understand my made-up story about Noah wanting to wait to have his brand-new walking feet forever archived in video. But I’ll get it on film, or my name isn’t crazy mommy.

For now, he’s perfectly content trying to climb the stairs which we’ve now put gates up for.

NoahStairs

Mind you, I’m not being self-deprecating when I call myself “crazy mommy” because it’s less an insult and more an inference. Becoming a mommy, and sometimes daddy, changes you forever and if you’re not a little crazier because of it you’re probably not doing it right. There is no greater love and because this week I was reminded by several people of some things I’d said during Big Brother 4, I’m more thoughtful in processing what’s been going on in the Big Brother 15 house.

I haven’t promoted petitions or rallied mobs against how some HGs and CBS have been shameless behaving…partly because I’ve experienced worse racism and partly because I’ve actually been in that house so I’m just waiting to see how this all plays out inside and out.

When I left the house a winner in 2003, it was the best time of my life and my worst. I’d won Big Brother yet my father was dying, and I thought I was pretty great for having won but then I watched footage of myself being hateful about Robert and his innocent daughter. If I’d not seen the actual feeds footage, that was never shown on television, I wouldn’t have remembered or believed or apologized so profusely. Alison and I had gone on a rant our last days in the house and I’d referred to Robert’s very young daughter as the b-word. I’d laughed along and encouraged Ali when she disparaged Robert’s Cuban heritage, and added my own. It happened, and I was indeed ashamed.

Having said it in anger or having said it only once didn’t matter when I saw myself on film like that, and all I could do was apologize to Robert and to many people Cuban or not or parents or not. Having now grown up a lot and had a child of my own, I don’t blame Robert for never speaking to me again or acknowledging my apology. Now that I’m a crazy mommy I know that I couldn’t forgive someone for calling Noah names. It’s happened already, and I don’t wish it on any parent and certainly understand the consequences.

So watching this season of Big Brother and seeing such blatant hate not once, but over and over again, whether or not in anger or frustration is frustrating. I realize those reminding me of the comments I made are attempting to brand me a hypocrite, but hypocrites don’t apologize and hypocrites don’t give others room to breathe. I believe in doing both when it matters.

With jobs being lost and Chenbot feigning passive ignorance…unless you’re going to take a real stand and stop following this Big Brother season, let’s take some room to breathe and let those most offended be offended most. Meaning, don’t make your own racist mountain our of someone else’s molehill. I’ve experienced worse racism than comments about rice or my eyes. In real life, and out of the public eye, racism crawls all over everything to some degree. I don’t always get to squash racist efforts each and every time, because it’s not a race…it’s really a fucking marathon. Those who know that don’t go lynching…

Update a few hours later: I filmed Noah walking today! Of course on the day I post a blog saying he doesn’t want to be filmed. Ha!

Update August 1st: A tweeter, most likely a hired one working for Operation Save Aaryn Gries, sent me this article today in an attempt to throw in my face  something shocking. The only thing shocking to me was that someone had actually found it, and I won’t quote things I said because I don’t want to hurt anyone again but if you’d like to read it…it’s on Reality TV World.

Always dishing,

Jun

 

Posted under: Big Brother, Reality TV Dishes

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34 comments

  • Shannon on July 5, 2013 at 10:33 am said:

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    Damn you can write & you are right on all points made. Amazing Jun! In my lifetime I want to purchase a book you’ve written! A must.

  • Well said. Noah looks so cute in his little outfit. He looks like he’s climbing up a gigantic piano. :)

  • Jun this really touched my heart. you know how full my plate is now and whats going on in my life. as daughter’s we are protective of our parents and in those final days we humble ourselves and find ourselves reversing the role of care takers. I never knew what protection truely was until I was a mom. you’d give your life to protect your child, i didn’t know how quick I could flip that switch from off to on until I had Ross. mess with my kid andyou’ll find out who I really am.i went for a job interview w/ a multi billion $ co. yrs ago the only ? i was asked was what animal would you be if you could…i said a majestic bird and was told thats not good enough you should have said a bear. a bear i asked i’m already a bear i’m a mom. mess with my cub and i will eat you alive. thanks for touching my heart. words can’t be taken back but the knife becomes softer when apologies are offered.

    • Jun Song on July 5, 2013 at 12:37 pm said:

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      When you’re going through things it’s nice to take a break and remember times just the lines you mentioned. You know you’re doing what you believe to be right. I’ll be thinking of you Nancy. I know it’s not easy dealing with loss like yours.

  • Noah looks so cute!! I didn’t have the feeds during your season so I didn’t recall your comment upon reading.

    Having re-watched your season about a year ago…I do remember Erika’s comment about Jee.
    Just as this season…her comment was disgusting and I did one of those sucking in air things.

    I loved this blog. I know we don’t chat as much but I still keep up with you and admire your writing skills and still quietly stalk you. :)

    This was great Jun!

  • Sparky on July 5, 2013 at 1:21 pm said:

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    It is very enlightening to hear first hand from one has actually lived thru what to most of us is merely a voyeuristic pursuit. It is so easy to be armchair moralists. And as a non minority American I have rarely been the recipient of blatant racism, but since Sean has been in a relationship with an Asian woman I do see it more now. While she is not my daughter I love her like one and even though she is an adult I want to “mama bear” when I hear remarks or catch a look here and there. She says it’s not worth it and just to ignore it as like you she has experienced much worse. All in all, until we have walked a mile in another’s shoes we should give it some room and let the harsh mirror of reality reveal their “true colors”.

    Thank you for your insight and being a voice of reason and experience in a very difficult situation.

  • Well said and thought out as usual Jun. You have a talent for writing that amazes me each time your write. You touch on everything and get right into our heads. I thank you daily for becoming a part of my life.

  • Anastasia on July 5, 2013 at 3:16 pm said:

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    And THIS is why we love you so. Another awesome blog, Mrs. Jun!!

    Oh, and there’s always training wheels (and I am only half kidding! They would give you confidence to get used to being on a bike and you could stop worrying about falling! Then, once you’re used to the bike, they come off and you’re riding a bike on your own! Voila. Jun’s zooming around town on her new spiffy bikd that’s not all scratched from falling on it…Think about it!!)

    I am sure I am not alone in saying you’re my favorite house guest EVAH! And Noah is more gorgeous than ever in this photo! That impish grin is killer!!

  • Spot on per usual. I’ve experienced slurs myselr…not racial but disability wise. I have come to accept amd love myself as I got older. Like you said its not a race but a marathon <3

  • My goodness Jun!!! You have such a wonderful knack for weaving your story so that it’s like we’re in cafe, having coffee. Your words touch me deeply.

    The goings on this summer leave me questioning my love for Big Brother. I’m watching but I’m not getting the same satisfaction. I know there’s no magic way to root these negative mindsets out in the casting process.

    I’ve experienced some racism in my life. I frequently deal with people who ATTEMPT to treat me less than kindly because of my disability. I’ve been less than kind in my words too. We’re all works in progress but hopefully we evolve. Some don’t, others do so slowly.

    With every blog you write, I’m thankful that you shared a slice of your life with us.

    Mr. Awesome is good for putting a smile on our faces and I’m so glad daycare is working out.

    Hoping Mr. Hottie is feeling better. Send him my love!

  • Gina Florio on July 5, 2013 at 4:40 pm said:

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    Jun, this is a special topic to me – thanks for writing this with such grace and honesty. Noah and I are kindred spirits, being half-Korean :)

  • iamrealitytvlover (@babstheshopper) on July 5, 2013 at 4:41 pm said:

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    Very well said Jun, it is a marathon I have run all my life. In some ways I really feel sorry for those perpetrating the bigotry in the house. With years of experience :-( I see past the vitriol to a ton of self loathing and insecurity and frankly just plain inner unhappiness. So when they run their mouths I thank God I am blessed and am not them. I don’t know where they learned their hatred and intolerance from….most times it is close to home and if that is the environment they grew up in then I feel even more pity for them. If this is some side of their being not known, shown to or shared by their parents then I feel for their parents. As a Mom myself I always knew I was a fierce lioness and to this day with my son as a grown man I would take someone down in a minute for hurting him.

    In some ways maybe CBS inadvertently is doing the world a favor? When Paula Deen went through her latest crisis I saw a lot of “for and against” opinions with no real sense of consensus or comprehension of the morality of the issues being debated. With this season of Big Brother I have been amazed (and perhaps blessed?) that I have seen such a groundswell of consensus on the abhorrence of what is happening in the BB house. It has been so refreshing to see the universal outpouring of disgust and outrage at the behavior of some of the houseguests………perhaps this is a sign of progress.

    I am so glad you finally got your video of Noah, enjoy these years as they pass by all to quickly and treasure each and every memory that you capture in your heart, on film and on camera. I still remember my guys’ first steps…..in his Halloween dragon costume. A look at the pictures and video whether for real or in my mind still brings tears to my eyes. Noah is growing up and is a wonderful blend of both you and Davy in his looks….he is one very lucky boy to have a Crazy Mommy and Crazy Daddy…..I wish all the little boys and girls of the world had the same. With the love that surrounds him you can take comfort that he will grow up to be the man that you dream him to be. And when he encounters his first act of racism, it will cut you like a knife, but your wise words, understanding and experience will give him the tools to deal and not let it destroy him.

    I know you have heard this a million times before…….but you really should write a book.

  • Your little boy is beautiful!

    I myself just learned how to ride a bike at 32 after year of miserable failures. Best advice I can give is to clear your mind, complete void. Once I mastered the void and my husband getting me a teenage size bike (due to a bit smaller size and thick wheels it felt sturdier) I got on and just went as if I rode my entire life. I was so proud of myself. Which is a bit silly but after failing so many times and finally mastering something I reconciled to never being able to do, it felt amazing. Best feeling in the world! Wish you same – good luck!

    Regarding racism, especially the kind that is rampant in BB15, I feel the best way to handle it is to move forward. Not to react to such vile comments but changing people’s minds via actions and remaining unfazed. Commenting back will never do what continuing open communication will accomplish. Confrontation just least to more drama and more disgusting things said.

  • VickiH on July 5, 2013 at 5:32 pm said:

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    Having watched Big Brother for years now and almost every season of Survivor, I understand that when put into what is a closed environment, away from everyone you care about and trust, you will become an exaggerated version of yourself.

    Having said that, I feel these house guests are the worst I have ever seen on Big Brother. There is no excuse for their behavior and I can imagine that between Aaryn and Gina Marie, Gina Marie will suffer greatly after she comes out of the house and not just because of losing her job. Gina Marie seems very insecure and I really hope that the show provides her with some counselling afterwards.

    But I believe what bothers me most about BB is how what they show on the edited TV episodes is completely different from what is going on in reality. I know they cast people to fit a character, I have noticed it more and more as the seasons go on (the Jordan, the Frank, the Jeff and this year also the Rachel except they actually cast her sister). Last year there was Danielle M. whose edit was to make her look like Jordan, but she was not Jordan. And she shouldn’t be, but that was what incited all the hate for her online. I myself, will follow online what is going on, but I have deleted the show from my DVR and will not watch the show on air any longer.

    By the by, I lived in Europe for five years and I love Belgium, Brussels is one of my favorite cities to visit.

  • OkieChris on July 5, 2013 at 5:49 pm said:

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    You have such a talent even with just hours of sleep. These houseguest are feeding off each other in such a bad way. It’s sad to watch.

    I can’t wait to see the Noah walking video.

    Know I love you & your so cute little family!

  • Lynda Perky on July 5, 2013 at 6:35 pm said:

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    I remember that exhausting time in motherhood but loved your description. Back then I thought I was the only one so tired, good to know I was not.

    As you know after two years of watching live feeds and chat rooms I have stopped. The chat rooms were often worse than this years mean girls chatters make death threats for family and such. What you say about not watching is true this year BB15 has been fun again. Before watching and hearing all the hate just perpetuates it.

    So excited for your upcoming time with Noah away. You will get so much done! When WAS your last cupping session? I think one of the best parts is that the time away made me so excited to get back with him making me even better. Enjoy!

  • MarluvsBB on July 5, 2013 at 7:01 pm said:

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    Very well said, Jun. I saw Noah’s video… He’s so awesome. Another milestone reached. It’s going so fast. Good luck with learning to ride the bike. Do you have training wheels on it? ;) hehe

  • Absolutely beautiful. I have been on the opposite side of the majority in that I don’t believe these people should be kicked off by petition for exercising their right to free speech. I think that when we try to force a television station to get these people off the show, we are in effect trying to pretend the problem doesn’t exist by sweeping it under the rug. Although I think there is a proper time and place that CBS could confront these issues, I don’t think the edited t.v. only version is the place to do it. Airing a fraction of a conversation can so easily be taken out of context. The same way that it seems certain people are being protected, other people can have their lives ruined for a foolish lapse in judgement. Hatred, ignorance, immaturity are all things that exist. I think when people are confronted with it the way we have been on BB15, it opens up a platform for discussion. I am also not so naive to believe that these things don’t happen on Survivor, Amazing Race, Real World or any other reality show because it does happen in real life. The reason people are so aware of it with BB is because it is the only show that does offer almost full access by way of the feeds or blogs updating what happens on the feeds. In that sense, these people are not being protected. Jobs are being lost, lives are forever being changed. I am a mother. As much as I would love a perfect bubble of a world to exist for my children, I don’t believe it ever will. I would rather use things like what is happening on BB this year as an opportunity to teach them why certain things can be so hateful, harmful and hurtful so that hopefully they will grow up to be kind, caring and open-minded. I think as a parent, or simply as a human, that is the best we can do.

  • I am looking at this as a blessing in disguise. Big Brother is opening the door to a dialog that needs to happen. How strange that it happened in the same time frame as the Paula Dean scandal. It us unfortunate that there seems to be more negativity than ever in this cast, but there seems to be a group mentality going on. I truely hope CBS addresses this in some fashion. At least on the after dark show. I have more questions than answers, but I’m willing to go seek those answers with CBS’s help. It says a lot that few in the house are saying anything, and if they are, they are not saying it to the right people. Are they complaining in the diary room? Are people being told to cool it with the language? We may never know. But let’s hope learning from both sides occur. As for you learning to ride a bike, I do want someone filming your “clumsy Korean ass wobbling “. You should charge for the “Jun’s bike riding lessens” live feeds.

  • Jun,
    I love how you always put things into perspective. It takes a mature person to acknowledge that we might not have said the most appropriate or kind thing at times but the key is that we realize and try to rectify the situation. It’s funny the road that we travel and the life lessons we learn from it.

    Having lost my dad over six years ago, I empathize with you and your loss. Sometimes that hole can never be filled with anything but our daddy. I don’t have kids but I have nephews and niece that are like my own and we are trying to be examples to them and how words can be very harmful even at a young age. Kudos for being a great mom to little (or should I say big boy) Noah!

  • Jun I had trouble formulating a response to this one. You’ve done this to me a couple of times now whereby i get this visceral reaction to your writing.That moment of raw shame as you watch yourself on the feeds makes the reader shudder.Your willingness to expose yourself as that immature, nasty young woman is brutally courageous.Your feelings of remorse and humility are just as powerful. I hope Robert sees this.

  • MMathis on August 1, 2013 at 8:45 pm said:

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    Great article! Parts made me cry and parts made me laugh. Noah is just growing more and more every day and I too wish he could live inside of a bubble never knowing the hatred of some.

Feel Free to Dish!