It’s been a week since we’ve been home from our trip in Normandy. With my husband Davy down with bronchitis all week, and Noah achy after having his last round of vaccinations… It’s been that kind of week. The weeks that are so exhausting you don’t bother talking about it, because you’d rather expend what energy you have on something you want to do. I want to write, and watch Big Brother 15, and film my little Noah taking steps on his own.
Never camera-shy, Noah’s been particularly resisting being filmed while he takes some of his first steps this week. I can’t read his toddler mind, but I’m convinced he’s waiting to be a little sturdier. I can’t blame him…
I have to learn to ride a bike this summer, and by “have” I mean I bought a brand-new bicycle a month ago. I haven’t touched it, and money doesn’t go on trees, so I have to learn to ride this bike and put my money to good use. It’s a goal of mine this summer, and I wouldn’t want someone filming my clumsy Korean ass wobbling and falling off the bicycle. So I can understand my made-up story about Noah wanting to wait to have his brand-new walking feet forever archived in video. But I’ll get it on film, or my name isn’t crazy mommy.
For now, he’s perfectly content trying to climb the stairs which we’ve now put gates up for.
Mind you, I’m not being self-deprecating when I call myself “crazy mommy” because it’s less an insult and more an inference. Becoming a mommy, and sometimes daddy, changes you forever and if you’re not a little crazier because of it you’re probably not doing it right. There is no greater love and because this week I was reminded by several people of some things I’d said during Big Brother 4, I’m more thoughtful in processing what’s been going on in the Big Brother 15 house.
I haven’t promoted petitions or rallied mobs against how some HGs and CBS have been shameless behaving…partly because I’ve experienced worse racism and partly because I’ve actually been in that house so I’m just waiting to see how this all plays out inside and out.
When I left the house a winner in 2003, it was the best time of my life and my worst. I’d won Big Brother yet my father was dying, and I thought I was pretty great for having won but then I watched footage of myself being hateful about Robert and his innocent daughter. If I’d not seen the actual feeds footage, that was never shown on television, I wouldn’t have remembered or believed or apologized so profusely. Alison and I had gone on a rant our last days in the house and I’d referred to Robert’s very young daughter as the b-word. I’d laughed along and encouraged Ali when she disparaged Robert’s Cuban heritage, and added my own. It happened, and I was indeed ashamed.
Having said it in anger or having said it only once didn’t matter when I saw myself on film like that, and all I could do was apologize to Robert and to many people Cuban or not or parents or not. Having now grown up a lot and had a child of my own, I don’t blame Robert for never speaking to me again or acknowledging my apology. Now that I’m a crazy mommy I know that I couldn’t forgive someone for calling Noah names. It’s happened already, and I don’t wish it on any parent and certainly understand the consequences.
So watching this season of Big Brother and seeing such blatant hate not once, but over and over again, whether or not in anger or frustration is frustrating. I realize those reminding me of the comments I made are attempting to brand me a hypocrite, but hypocrites don’t apologize and hypocrites don’t give others room to breathe. I believe in doing both when it matters.
With jobs being lost and Chenbot feigning passive ignorance…unless you’re going to take a real stand and stop following this Big Brother season, let’s take some room to breathe and let those most offended be offended most. Meaning, don’t make your own racist mountain our of someone else’s molehill. I’ve experienced worse racism than comments about rice or my eyes. In real life, and out of the public eye, racism crawls all over everything to some degree. I don’t always get to squash racist efforts each and every time, because it’s not a race…it’s really a fucking marathon. Those who know that don’t go lynching…
Update a few hours later: I filmed Noah walking today! Of course on the day I post a blog saying he doesn’t want to be filmed. Ha!
Update August 1st: A tweeter, most likely a hired one working for Operation Save Aaryn Gries, sent me this article today in an attempt to throw in my face something shocking. The only thing shocking to me was that someone had actually found it, and I won’t quote things I said because I don’t want to hurt anyone again but if you’d like to read it…it’s on Reality TV World.