Recently, a reader asked me to blog about “trust in sex” in terms of building and maintaining it. It’s a big topic, and so at my request the reader provided me some context. I’m not licensed in sex therapy so I can only speak from my personal experiences in my Pandora’s Box full of sexual experiences so far.
This blog is not about trust in sex during a random lay on a drunken Saturday, but trust in non-random but steady and maybe even monogamous sex. Let’s say you’re in a new sexual relationship, gay or straight, and all the senses are being piqued. You’ve seen and heard, tasted and smelled, and touched your way to a point where you both want to be with each other for a long time…chemistry is great but should always be a catalyst to better sex:
TRUST IN SEX:
1. Never fake it.
2. Think about sex. Your sex life must evolve with your love life, and I appreciate the reader’s question because she gets that. She and her new-ish girlfriend think about sex, which is great because thinking about sex is as important as having it. Trust in sex is easier said than done but not as hard as people make it. If you stop thinking about it and talking about it, then you’re no-pun-intended fucked. If you think about it too much in relation to your partner, then balance probably needs to be met outside the sex life first.
3. Talk about sex, but don’t be all-talk. Milestones in relationships be it having “the talk” or moving in together, or getting engaged or first makeup sex, whatever the milestone is in private to you and your partner…make sexual exploration a part of that too. If your relationship is advancing on the outside, then inside your sexual relationship should be advancing in trust too and not staying stale. Not staying stale doesn’t require anything scandalous or extreme, and it’s stupid to think you can go from hot hair-pulling thrusting-sex with your partner to a fetish orgy where they drop candle wax on your genitals. Don’t ever pressure yourself or your partner to go somewhere without talking about things first. Grab a sex toy catalogue and go through it together, or pop into a shop and buy something new, or take the initiative to find some porn online that YOU like…show and tell…talk. Light a candle and play puppet show with your body parts. Whatever. Don’t tease about “what you’re going to do” and never do it.
4. Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself and let your sexuality in sex be less about how you look naked, and more about how good you’re making your partner feel while getting your orgasm on too.
5. Trust your partner. If you’re having trust issues in your relationship, then they will surface in sex. If you fix your trust issues, then you can be honest again with your partner and trust that they care about making you come in new ways.
I was asked about mine and my husband Davy’s “trust in sex”. Our short and sexy courting period was documented here in the papers and we still get a kick out of it. We met on a beach vacation and married six months later, and we realize we’re not the first or last couple to take such plunges…which we’re open to sharing with you sometimes like today. On this vacation in the Dominican Republic, Davy and I separately realized then told each other that we wanted “this” not to end. We were in a bubble of new love that smelled like cocoa butter and tasted like rum under the Caribbean sky, and we were having sex anywhere we wanted and when. Then out of nowhere we received a note at the front desk from another couple staying at the resort. They were Australian and tanned and friendly with us at the casino once or twice, they didn’t know anything else about us but they wanted to have sex with me and Davy is what the note said.
Talk about having to talk about “advanced” trust in sex early on…
Davy and I just happened to have an extreme situation on our hands, but you don’t have to. Maybe you don’t even want to. If you’re wondering if we had sex with that couple? We didn’t, but we did get drunk and run into the ocean naked with them just for fun. Neither Davy nor I have “perfect” bodies but it didn’t matter because a 3 a.m. skinny dip with strangers was our decision made together.
We learned early that we could laugh and talk sex out, and do what we want now and save other things for later. In all things we do sexually we do it in trust.