Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

Shitty Neighbor Examples

I’m hormonal and I know it. Me on my period pre-baby was milder compared to me right now, on my period. Shit happens.

Shitty neighbors happen too, but we don’t all blog about it. I don’t think my neighbors here in Belgium would care that I won Big Brother in the U.S., and my husband Davy and I have never told them. It’s probably better that way.

Our house is attached to another house identical to ours, and owned by the same landlord. When we first moved in, in 2011, our landlord actually lived in the house attached to us. She was very old and frail, and died on my birthday just a few months after we’d moved in. My big night out was postponed.

shrekkk

On the other side of us, not attached, always lived and still lives Shrek. Shrek’s not a cartoon imaginary friend in my head, but a real life woman living in the real life house next door to mine. I mistook her for a man when we first moved in. From afar I saw a very tall and very round neighbor with short flat hair, with hunched shoulders and what looked like nuts, and I just assumed it was a man. I’d felt bad that I’d named her Shrek without knowing her yet, but now I don’t. She’s turned out to be a total Shrek.

We tried everything in maintaing good neighborly vibes with her, but Shrek was ogre-aggressive! Simply put, Shrek is a shitty neighbor. What is a shitty neighbor? There are many different kinds and combinations possible, but let’s say for example:

Shitty neighbors are “part-time” racists when convenient for them.

Shitty neighbors are incredibly nosy and monitor your movements, although they claim they don’t like you. They loaf around then pounce on you once you move, whether it’s into your garden or out the front door to get into your car. They do this to get your attention and ask you personal questions without any tact. Who does this? A shitty neighbor.

A shitty neighbor talks about you behind your back to other Shrek-like neighbors, and soon many Shreks in the neighborhood are monitoring your movements as you leave your house to go grocery shopping or to Ikea.

A shitty neighbor cuts their own hedges down three feet so they can peer into your garden and get your attention, and spy on you.

A shitty neighbor threatens to call the police and report you for “things” because you start putting up fencing that’s higher than her freshly-cut hedges. Really.

So we planted our own hedges on our side of the yard. In one year’s time, they’ve grown higher than Shrek’s hedges in some parts. But our hedges still have much to go before they can tower over Shrek and cast a shadow upon her garden’s soul.

Then the other night, Shrek noticed that we too had hedges growing fierce. So Shrek took her power tool, and pointing it from her groin she trimmed her hedges down to nearly half. She started shrieking at Davy, who was in his man-cave working out, from through the fence between our driveways.

Shrek demanded we cut our hedges down to her hedges’ height, and Davy laugh and said no. She pouted like a toddler and whined that Davy cut the hedges, and Davy said that he would not because we wanted our privacy between the two gardens. Shrek then insisted it was against the law and that she had a right to her view of our yard, and again Davy laughed and asked her to be logical.

Shrek screamed with a fist in the air, “You want war?! I’ll give you war!”

I’d only seen this in the movies and cartoons. I laughed. Davy laughed.

Shrek’s son, one of two that sometimes lives with her,  came outside and restrained his dear old mother. He told her to stop her ridiculous rant and to leave us alone. This sent Shrek into a bigger tailspin. Long story-short, this story’s not actually over yet. We’ve yet to see what’s coming next….

Historically, Shrek’s behaviors have been shitty with sporadic peace offerings of fresh eggs from her chicken. She says fresh. I say fishy.

Always dishing,

Jun

Posted under: Reality Dishes

Tagged as: ,

32 comments

  • Stephanie soper on August 15, 2013 at 9:53 pm said:

    Reply

    Shitty neighbors take a picture of your dead cat and post it on Instagram, after their dog killed it.

  • purrwing on August 15, 2013 at 9:59 pm said:

    Reply

    Would those eggs be the poop covered ones you told us about before? It has to be miserable to have a neighbor like that.

    • Jun Song on August 16, 2013 at 8:48 am said:

      Reply

      Apparently it’s normal for eggs to be sometimes covered in poop fresh from the chicken’s vagina or butt or wherever it comes from. I don’t even want to think about it. Ew. But yesssssss. Her eggs had poop on it!

  • Anonymous on August 15, 2013 at 10:17 pm said:

    Reply

    I am cracking up, because it is typical european behaviour. I know I used to be a european (raised and grew up in the netherlands). People are forever looking outside to see what the neighbors are doing, hence the livingroom facing the street in most instanc3s. My family still lives there and I am always amused by their and their neighbors behavior. They know everything about their n3ighbors and vice versa. So it is not an isolated thing or a racial thing. I thi k they are born ana raised with that mentality. The weather there is so aweful most of the time there is nothing else for them to do. Enjoy the idiocincracys and yes belgians are worse the the dutch. Just sayin,,’

    • Jun Song on August 16, 2013 at 8:39 am said:

      Reply

      Ha! I think it’s small-town behavior too!

      Totally noticed the living room situation over here. So funny!

      As far as the racism stuff…Shrek’s very very Vlaams Belang (political part here) and most of her guests are openly rude to us because I’m not white Belgian. I didn’t want to go into all that in the blog but the fact is…it’s tough.

      Thanks for sharing, and laughing :)

  • Sportylulu on August 15, 2013 at 11:28 pm said:

    Reply

    Shrek is a “curtain twitcher”. I have one across the street – the MAN of the house!!! My husband has strict instructions not to let him cross the threshold of our house. Try a bottle of booze as a peace offering. She might get too drunk to bother you.

  • Anonymous on August 16, 2013 at 1:08 am said:

    Reply

    Shitty neighbors flip your kids off when they are outside. They also put nails in your driveway and poison your trees. Loosen your wheels on your car so the tire falls off on the freeway. That’s what our shitty neighbors did.

  • Okay so I don’t have shitty neighbors, knock on wood. But my daughter and her husband do. A shitty neighbor who got pissed off just because my son in law parked in front of their house(street parking) he woke up to go to work and his tires were slashed. He can’t prove they did it but the neighbor on the opposite side said he was pretty sure the guy did it. Because he had to deal with this guy too. Shitty neighbor would let his dog loose to run amuck, the dog would crap in everyone’s yard and such. One day the good neighbor decided to go talk to the guy. No use talking to this dude. So he decided to collect all the dog crap in a bag. Went to the shitty neighbors house, the guy was not home so he hung the bag on the door knob. Later that night the good neighbor awoke to flames shooting out of his pool. Someone (shitty neighbor) poured gas in the mans pool in the middle of the night and lit it on fire. Come to find out the shitty neighbor has spent time in prison, For vile and disgusting things. I have seen this dude and he is creepy. My son in law says he’s a peeper.

  • Omg, I thought I had a shitty neighbor until I read these comments. Holy crap. You all beat me. I just have crazy bipolar cat lady… She is legitimately unstable though. I never know what I’m going to get but I rest easy knowing, apparently, it could be worse.

  • Our current neighbors are fine, but in the past we had too had our own Shrek. She had the police on speed dial. If anyone sneezed once in her direction, she called. She loathed anyone who walked on “her” sidewalk. Once the mailman left her SS check in our mailbox. I thought I would be nice and hand deliver it. I know she was home because I saw her peeking out of the blinds. She refused to come to the door and called the police because I was trespassing. I left her check under her door, but when the police showed up I really wished I had just tossed that sucker.

  • On one side of me is a single woman, lesbian I think. Quiet, to herself. The other side I had a “good” neighbor, friendly and I liked chatting with her but she didn’t come out much. She just sold the house to a single woman so I am hoping all stays well. Years ago when my boys were toddlers we lived in a duplex. The neighbors we an absent mother and 4 teenagers that had parties all the time, and fights, and cops, and drug dealing. After they found out I called the cops once, they shot my cat Lestat with a BB gun. He lived after expensive vet $. They would taunt my dog Moses and one day..they got him. only 3 years old, friendly sweet dog was poisoned and died. We broke our lease and moved. I was so afraid for my boys. I do like hearing about Shrek cuz it seems just annoying but I would document everything just in case she is crazy! My husband was so sad losing his pal Moses and still cries if you bring it up 10 years later.

  • Shrek is crazy and the worse part is, in life, you never know if you’ll be moving next to crazy till you’re settled in. I now understand why a friend of mine wanted to find a house in the woods so if he wanted to, he could pee outside without peering eyes. I couldn’t grasp it then, but after living on earth longer now and moved quite a few times….I so get that! May Shrek be put on some good meds and mellow out for you….or move.

  • I feel the need to defend the real Shrek. Although he is large and grumbley and green, he’s really kind of sweet. Your Shrek has never shown a redeeming kindness of any kind. Even under the guise of coming to view our darling Noah she was really on a spy mission. So I wish we could find a different name for her. Secondly, I must remind you to guard your “personal” plants from her electric clippers. I seem to recall her raising holy hell when she saw the crop. And we all know she is desparetly in need of some mellowing out. 😉

Feel Free to Dish!