I’m hormonal and I know it. Me on my period pre-baby was milder compared to me right now, on my period. Shit happens.
Shitty neighbors happen too, but we don’t all blog about it. I don’t think my neighbors here in Belgium would care that I won Big Brother in the U.S., and my husband Davy and I have never told them. It’s probably better that way.
Our house is attached to another house identical to ours, and owned by the same landlord. When we first moved in, in 2011, our landlord actually lived in the house attached to us. She was very old and frail, and died on my birthday just a few months after we’d moved in. My big night out was postponed.
On the other side of us, not attached, always lived and still lives Shrek. Shrek’s not a cartoon imaginary friend in my head, but a real life woman living in the real life house next door to mine. I mistook her for a man when we first moved in. From afar I saw a very tall and very round neighbor with short flat hair, with hunched shoulders and what looked like nuts, and I just assumed it was a man. I’d felt bad that I’d named her Shrek without knowing her yet, but now I don’t. She’s turned out to be a total Shrek.
We tried everything in maintaing good neighborly vibes with her, but Shrek was ogre-aggressive! Simply put, Shrek is a shitty neighbor. What is a shitty neighbor? There are many different kinds and combinations possible, but let’s say for example:
Shitty neighbors are “part-time” racists when convenient for them.
Shitty neighbors are incredibly nosy and monitor your movements, although they claim they don’t like you. They loaf around then pounce on you once you move, whether it’s into your garden or out the front door to get into your car. They do this to get your attention and ask you personal questions without any tact. Who does this? A shitty neighbor.
A shitty neighbor talks about you behind your back to other Shrek-like neighbors, and soon many Shreks in the neighborhood are monitoring your movements as you leave your house to go grocery shopping or to Ikea.
A shitty neighbor cuts their own hedges down three feet so they can peer into your garden and get your attention, and spy on you.
A shitty neighbor threatens to call the police and report you for “things” because you start putting up fencing that’s higher than her freshly-cut hedges. Really.
So we planted our own hedges on our side of the yard. In one year’s time, they’ve grown higher than Shrek’s hedges in some parts. But our hedges still have much to go before they can tower over Shrek and cast a shadow upon her garden’s soul.
Then the other night, Shrek noticed that we too had hedges growing fierce. So Shrek took her power tool, and pointing it from her groin she trimmed her hedges down to nearly half. She started shrieking at Davy, who was in his man-cave working out, from through the fence between our driveways.
Shrek demanded we cut our hedges down to her hedges’ height, and Davy laugh and said no. She pouted like a toddler and whined that Davy cut the hedges, and Davy said that he would not because we wanted our privacy between the two gardens. Shrek then insisted it was against the law and that she had a right to her view of our yard, and again Davy laughed and asked her to be logical.
Shrek screamed with a fist in the air, “You want war?! I’ll give you war!”
I’d only seen this in the movies and cartoons. I laughed. Davy laughed.
Shrek’s son, one of two that sometimes lives with her, came outside and restrained his dear old mother. He told her to stop her ridiculous rant and to leave us alone. This sent Shrek into a bigger tailspin. Long story-short, this story’s not actually over yet. We’ve yet to see what’s coming next….
Historically, Shrek’s behaviors have been shitty with sporadic peace offerings of fresh eggs from her chicken. She says fresh. I say fishy.