Today’s blog is inspired by a question I received last week about who I’d like to see play Big Brother, among my favorite characters from scripted shows. I’m choosing one male OR female from each television series I’m currently watching. I will not be choosing two characters from the same show.
I’ve realized through writing this blog that I watch a lot of television series.
Here’s what I’ve come up with for my pretend Celebrity Big Brother: Mens’ Dream Team:
Tyrion Lannister (Badass and Brilliant Mind belonging to a powerful and fucked-up family, Game of Thrones). I have no doubt Tyrion would tear it up in the Diary Room, and use his height to his advantage in spying on the rest of the house. Being used to being disrespected and made fun of, Tyrion would find the BB house a cake-walk and welcome pity votes for being so little. Perhaps some of his deep-rooted guilt and mommy issues (his mother died in childbirth while delivering his deformed baby dwarf body) would resurface, and provide context with the ladies in the house.
Louis LItt (Bitter Lawyer and Senior Partner at Pearson Hardman, Suits). Louis would be one of the biggest floaters in Big Brother history and be willing to do dirty work to fit in with the HGs. His insecurities on display would be entertainment enough, but cat ladies would love him because of his love for the feline kind. Louis would break current Big Brother records in crying, and he’d need CBS to get him anxiety meds. CBS would gladly oblige.
Saul Goodman (Lovable Dirtbag Crooked Lawyer who dresses like a pimp, Breaking Bad). Saul’s nervous energy would deem him harmless, and he’d coast through half the season while others took each other out in the house. He’d never lift a finger to clean or cook the whole season, and his wardrobe choices might make our eyes bleed in the Diary Room. He’s resourceful and has no qualms about stabbing you in the back, and then taking the knife back to clean and re-use for another back because he’s too cheap to buy another knife.
Elam Ferguson (Freed Black Man and Father of a White Baby, Hell on Wheels). Elam wouldn’t give a fuck what kind of promises you make once you lied to him once because he’s a glass half-empty kinda guy. Instead of telling you your glass is half-empty he’d probably take your glass with what’s left in it. and drink your glass dry right in front of your face. He’s neither a romantic nor a dreamer, but he’s usually fair and economical with his words. His Diary Rooms may need some subtitles due to his rough slave English.
Micheletto Corella (Closeted and Intense Gay Warrior and Assassin for the papal family, The Borgias). Micheletto never showers but that’s the least of his problems, because his anger issues can always be worked out by stalking and eliminating his prey. His keen eye and intuition should make for killer strategy in the game of Big Brother. Enough with the flashy gays with teary eyes. We need a dark Micheletto-type of homosexual man whose tear ducts are sealed.
Pornstache Mendez (Pervy Loser Correctional Officer and Comical Douchebag, Orange is The New Black). Pornstache would creep out all the girls and possible get kicked in the nuts on the first day of the season, which would become legendary. He’s corrupt an crooked and perfect for Big Brother, and will like give and receive sexual favors for votes. Pornstache will be honest about it all though, and it’ll be a refreshing change from what we’ve seen in recent HGs.
Roger Sterling (Man-Whore and Founding Partner at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and Mad Men). Having grown up in immense wealth Roger’s rarely into anything for the money, but more for the challenge of it all. He bores easy but he loves fucking minds as much as he likes fucking. Living in the BB house would be slumming it for Roger, but he’d love the chance to win BB and perhaps seduce a female HG..or two.
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I know what you’re thinking.
– There’s a dwarf in the cast.
– There are some ugly guys.
– Everyone’s so old.
– I don’t know all these people.
Here’s my response:
– Yes. CBS will never give you a dwarf so I will.
– Yes. Like this current season of Big Brother.
– Yes. About time.
– Yes. But you should.
I’ll be sharing my Celebrity Big Brother Dream Team: Women soon!