Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

Celebrity Big Brother: Women’s Dream Team

If you read my Celebrity Big Brother: Men’s Dream Team blog yesterday, then you know I’m listing my seven ladies today.

All seven female characters are NOT from television series I’ve already covered on my Men’s Dream Team. It was difficult, but here they are:

 

Eva Heissen

Eva Heissen (Honeybadger Prostitute and Madam of “Paradise”, Copper). She’s a new immigrant from Prussia who owns one of the top brothels, with a saloon mind you, in New York during the Civil War. You can stab her in the back with a real knife and she survives, so don’t think stabbing her in the back with a BB knife will faze her. Her poker face is stellar and her hate for hypocrites divine.

 

 

Michonne

Michonne (Cold-Blooded Survivor and Possibly Lesbian, The Walking Dead). Michonne doesn’t get enough love in the zombie world, so she’s the only one who’d be coming into the house with an actual weapon. She’s proven she can stop and think before actually killing someone. Michonne is 100% the dark horse in this season of Celebrity Big Brother. Her Diary Room sessions will probably make all of us think she hates us all equally, but I think it will be therapeutic for her intense hate for people.

 

 

Olivia

Olivia Pope (Crisis Manager Extraordinaire and White Housewrecker Mistress, Scandal). Olivia solves everyone else’s problems but her own, while looking way too good in all thing cream and cashmere and belted at the waist. I look forward most to seeing who she picks in the house as her team, and most of all who her “Huck” will be. Hopefully she doesn’t pine over Fitz too much while she’s in the house…her upper lip tremble is getting a little meh.

 

 

SloanSabbith

Sloan Sabbith (Financial Guru and Reporter for News Night and Possibly a Freaky Sex Goddess, The Newsroom). Sloan’s brain is so advanced in all things economics and risk analysis yet her personal life is always bankrupt, and her sex life is all about short-term investing. She’ll crunch numbers all day but this will be advantageous in challenges. Sloan’s social awkwardness may get her laid more than safe because she’s super hot.

 

 

Nancy

Nancy Botwin (Perfectly Imperfect Mother and Widow and Drug Dealer, Weeds). If I ever get reincarnated I’d probably come back as Nancy. She’ll do whatever it takes to do what she thinks is right to win, but she’s often wrong so Live Feeds would be gold. Nancy’s got no filter and will go off on someone every day while chugging iced coffee and having sex with random people, including women, in the house.

 

 

 

Carmela

Carmela Soprano (Supreme Real Housewife of New Jersey and very lucky to have worked with the late James Gandolfini. May he rest in peace, The Sopranos). Carmela will put all other moms ever to have played Big Brother to shame, and be the ultimate bully mom of the season. I have no doubt she will make sure the BB house is the cleanest it’s ever been since inception. Carmela will have to be careful she doesn’t get back-doored.

 

 

SisterJude

Sister Jude (Former Singing Nightclub Whore and Head Nun-in-Charge of Crazies, American Horror Story). Sister Jude will not think about consequences of her actions before she acts upon someone in house, and she’ll call everyone out drunk or not. She’s a mean drunk, but may belt out a “Judy! Judy judy bo budy, banana fanna fo fudy, fee fy mo mudy, Judy!” name song and make us fall in love with her all over again.

It goes without saying that if there ever was such a season I would host it, and not Julie Chen. There are many honorable mentions that I won’t mention because it will take away the integrity of the stellar teams I’ve put together. Dramatically, of course.

Always dishing,

Jun

 

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8 comments

  • I love your descriptions! And Mary-Louise Parker is just fascinating to watch. Unfortunately, I think the reason they’ve never had an American Celebrity Big Brother is they know they could never get this caliber of talent. I’ve watched some of the U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother–and our stars go over there. Verne Troyer, Dennis Rodman…I think Tara Reid did a season? That guy from The A Team, Dirk Benedict, was on the season where there was so much racism flying around, they set off an international incident. (That’s one of the three or four seasons I did watch! It’s all on YouTube.) I think deep down they know that a celebrity round would probably degrade the entire show’s reputation permanently. An A-list or even moderate B-list celeb who even thought about doing BB would probably be told by their publicity team NO, just for the simple fact when cameras are on you 24/7, it’s hard to hide who you really are. And publicists are paid big bucks to hide who A-list celebrities really are!

  • OMG. I love Carmela Kick-Ass Soprano. Good choices, Jun. Now please excuse me while I go make a ziti casserole to throw in the freezer.

  • Nancy will win a ton of competitions, piss everyone off, and take Carmella to the end thinking she can beat her, but Carmella will bake ziti for the jurors and end up winning in a landslide anti-Botwin vote (plus the Jersey mob will “change the mind” of any juror who refuses to vote for her).

  • love these picks! Sister Jude, Nancy Botwin & Olivia Pope – man with just these 3 it would be crazy to watch. I haven’t watched the others you’ve listed – I watch too much TV as it is LOL. Great picks Jun along with the guys :)

  • Can I add Marcia Cross from Melrose Place, and Desperate Housewives? And Jeannine* Garofolo? She could stir up some chit! Spelling doesn’t look right but you know who I mean.

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