My dad was my biggest fan in life since the day I was born, and my biggest Big Brother fan too. He told just about everybody proudly in his Korean-accented English, about my CBS reign that summer of 2003. He loved how I was always up to something, and how I’d always find bigger challenges for myself. It’s why he raised me in America.
When my died just a year after I won the show, I wasn’t ready to face the reality that he was really gone forever. For a long time I avoided thinking about his death. My biggest fan.
I’ve learned through the years now that grappling with the forever and dead part is painful, and not so helpful. Living is the key. So when I get asked why I don’t “get over” Big Brother and “move on” with my life…I wonder what constitutes “getting over and moving on from Big Brother.”
I can’t speak for all Big Brother alum, and they can’t speak for me, but…
To me, Big Brother is one of those experiences I’ll never let go of. And not just because I won, but because of what happened while I was on the show. My dad was healthy when I went into the BB house, and he was in a coma in ICU when I came out 3 months later. For me, personally, my Big Brother experience was a turning point in my life because it marked the start of my dad’s declining health. I’d never lost anyone close to me before in my 28 years at the time, and my first hit was my father.
I’ve come to terms with the guilt I once felt about being on some television show completely ignorant to the fact that my father was slowly dying back at home. I’ve let go of a lot of layers through the years, and particularly after becoming a parent myself I’ve forgiven myself for a lot. Big Brother isn’t just some show I won and that I blogged about, it’s a goal I once set 10 years ago and met. I will not get over it and I will not move on from it, as long as I blog and breathe. My biggest fan would have none of that, even from above.
My dad raised me to dish in perfect English.