My Biggest Fan

DadMe

My dad was my biggest fan in life since the day I was born, and my biggest Big Brother fan too. He told just about everybody proudly in his Korean-accented English, about my CBS reign that summer of 2003. He loved how I was always up to something, and how I’d always find bigger challenges for myself. It’s why he raised me in America.

When my died just a year after I won the showI wasn’t ready to face the reality that he was really gone forever. For a long time I avoided thinking about his death. My biggest fan.

I’ve learned through the years now that grappling with the forever and dead part is painful, and not so helpful. Living is the key. So when I get asked why I don’t “get over” Big Brother and “move on” with my life…I wonder what constitutes “getting over and moving on from Big Brother.” 

I can’t speak for all Big Brother alum, and they can’t speak for me, but…

To me, Big Brother is one of those experiences I’ll never let go of. And not just because I won, but because of what happened while I was on the show. My dad was healthy when I went into the BB house, and he was in a coma in ICU when I came out 3 months later. For me, personally, my Big Brother experience was a turning point in my life because it marked the start of my dad’s declining health. I’d never lost anyone close to me before in my 28 years at the time, and my first hit was my father.

I’ve come to terms with the guilt I once felt about being on some television show completely ignorant to the fact that my father was slowly dying back at home. I’ve let go of a lot of layers through the years, and particularly after becoming a parent myself I’ve forgiven myself for a lot. Big Brother isn’t just some show I won and that I blogged about, it’s a goal I once set 10 years ago and met. I will not get over it and I will not move on from it, as long as I blog and breathe. My biggest fan would have none of that, even from above.

My dad raised me to dish in perfect English.

Always dishing,

Jun

20 Comments

  1. It’s funny how people try to put time limits on other’s when they want you to get over and move on with life experiences as if they are walking in your shoes. Your dad is with some awesome BB loving company up there, my son is also in heaven and a big fan of big brother so keep up the blogging!

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    You go girl…don’t let anyone define you and don’t let those negative comments ever affect you, because who are these people anyways…they have no bearing on your life…

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  3. Anonymous

    I had no idea that your father became so ill during your stay in the BB house. The producers left you totally unaware? I have read how horribly difficult his passing has been both for you and your ‘Momz’. I am sure he is watching you from above, and so proud of you and your new family.

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  4. debchr

    Jun,

    I was so happy to hear that you finally let go of the guilt. Your Dad (obviously, from what you said), wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. You made him very proud, and he could brag unabashedly about your superiority, his little girl!

    How adorable the two of you are, in the pic. (I miss my Dad, too; gone nine months, now.)

    How few have such an opportunity as you did – to not only be on Big Brother, but to win it, too – 15 people in the USA! Anyone who thinks you should ‘get over’ it is a nutcase! lol

    Looks like I’m downsized to your third biggest fan! 🙂

    Reply
  5. MarluvsBB

    You often blog about something to which I can relate. I spent six weeks away from my hubs a few months before he died last year. We were each other’s biggest fan too. Had I known his time was so short, I never would have left his side. I’m trying to get past the guilt of that. My stepdaughter also asked me last spring if something was wrong with him. She saw it, and I didn’t. I thought he was just getting older. It haunts me. You give me hope that someday I’ll come to terms with it too. Keep dishing, Jun. Hugs

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