Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

Kiss Me Where I Pee

I’m tackling the blowjobs blog today despite disliking the fact that I’m giving Anne Breslaw and her Cosmo dick sucking rant any more attention than I already have. I’ve figured out what my problem with her rant was. It was a rant. I agreed with the underlying points to her blog when I actually found her points. But all the bolding and italicizing, exclamation points, and ROFLcopter stuff made me want to tune her out as a reader and a woman. I should have said this the first time around but I didn’t. I didn’t say a lot of things in my first blowjob blog. If that first blog was a blowjob it would have been a bad one. I can admit that thanks to a certain someone.

I’ll try to right myself through this blog without beating around the vaginal bush or distracting you with ALL CAPS and crazy punctuation.

~

I watched the film Don Jon last night thinking it was going to be a great film. It had its moments but at the end of it I was grateful for only one thing…that half the script revolved around blowjobs. Perfect for this blog! The movie is based around a fictitious but very real everyday Jersey Shore-type family where the main character Jon Martello (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt who will always just be “3rd Rock” to me) can and does bang a different girl every night, and easily.

Martello

He’s the worst case scenario asshole that Ms. Breslaw and me and many of you, male or female, would hate to give a blowjob to. He’s the neanderthal meathead sex addict who pushes your head down to his probably shaved balls expecting you to wrap your your mouth around them, knowing full well he won’t reciprocate with any pleasure if at all.

But assholes love getting blowjobs because all men love getting blowjobs. If I had a dick I would love getting blowjobs too. What’s a dick for if you can’t do at least a handful of things with it? You pee with it, fuck with it, get handjobs and blowjobs…slap it in someone’s face if you’re lucky enough to find someone who’ll let you, so you can both laugh your asses off about it?

Too much?

This blog isn’t about how to give blowjobs because there’s Google for that, and you’re already on the right track if you’re Googling how to give one or give one better, in the first place. But let’s just say for argument-sake that we all agree that all men love blowjobs. Let’s stretch a little further and say then that blowjobs is a form of currency into the world of men. Other forms of currency may be home-cooked meals or thoughtful gifts and gestures and lots of the same things that women love too, just like women also want blowjobs except for women it’s called being eaten out or cunnilingus or oral sex or “Kiss Me Where I Pee!”

If we all know, gay or straight or otherwise, that blowjobs are loved by men then we shouldn’t write dick sucking rants. We should use our minutes of dick sucking or not dick sucking more wisely. We should see dick sucking as an investment of sorts. Rants like Ms. Breslaw’s are the worst case scenarios, like Jon Martello, and we can all find a happier medium I’m sure. For example, I’ve admitted that I’ve probably sounded like Ms. Breslaw at some point in my life versus where I am now in my dick sucking life. The first time I ever gave a blowjob was when I was 19 and I was horrible at it. The last time I gave a blowjob was Monday and I’m close now to receiving a Master of Fine Arts in Fellatio, if there was such a degree.

All my blowjobs in between have been many and in varying degrees of skill on my part. But it’s not even about how good or bad you are at it, although the deeper and gag-free your throat the better. There are some men I never should have blown and some men I shouldn’t have blown more than once anyway, and then those whom I loved blowing. The difference? It was in how much they gave back.

Sure, Ms. Breslaw, we women don’t have “clits in our throat” so it’s not like a dick in our throat is like a dick on our clit. But it’s not like we have clits on our fingertips or palms either and we still put our hands all over our lovers during foreplay and all-play. 

If we women are supposed to be more empowered in controlling our destiny, then we should be able to acquire cunnilingus without ranting or pulling a knife on someone and demanding it. For example, when my husband Davy and I first met he was always very giving and superb in his delivery, but I still wanted more oral sex. So I told him. It wasn’t easy but it went towards my own personal investment anyway. I’ll tell him again if I ever want to, knowing that Davy’s open to my greediness but also telling me whenever he wants more of this or that during sex too.

That conversation should always keep going…

But before I ever got married I once (often) had regular booty calls who didn’t give back and eat me out enough, and I told them too. I even had one guy who NEVER ate me out once, and I told him about that too. That’s the first step to getting more oral sex. You may not always receive but you can always ask! If you can’t ask or won’t ask because there’s a dick being shoved in your mouth, then you need to figure something out.

I’m talking about telling and talking and not demanding and ranting, because who wants to feel forced into taking mouthfuls of genitalia?! Some of my past sexual partners responded well to my asking for more oral sex, considering I was blowing them without them ever having to ask me, and some were just assholes. These assholes just looked at me like I was speaking Korean or Vaginian instead of plain English. Those assholes didn’t get any more blowjobs from me and were discarded by the wayside with the rest of the booty-called-no-more pile.

As a woman, telling everyone how angry you are about desperate women who’ll say anything to feel loved and needed, including declarations of how they love to give blowjobs, is a surefire way to scare eligible dicks away. Let those desperate women do their desperate things and worry about your own dick sucking and receiving. Or write blogs that apply to more than a certain demographic that I’m clearly not a part of. I admit I read Ms. Breslaw’s blog because of the catchy headline but only reread it for the purposes of this blog.

There will always be people with emotional and sexual baggage, including myself, but blowjobs don’t have to be extreme one way or another. It’s your sex life and your privacy and intimacy that no blog could ever touch or fix or break. Sex is currency, whether or not you believe it is, so you should treat it as such because it gets more complicated than just blowjobs, eventually.

If your cash flow is weak or one-sided and you’re suffering, then it’s ultimately up to you to balance that out, and the sooner the better. If you just want more head than you’ve been getting then open your mouth more, and say something.

Then we’ll talk more…

Always dishing,

Jun

Posted under: Sex

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

18 comments

  • I missed the original kiss me while I pee blog, and I’m glad. It was difficult to read and obnoxious. Definitely not a fan of whoever that was.

    Anyhoo… I totally agree. Sex is definitely a currency, to be stereotypical in this sense and quote sex and the city “I only give head to get head” – Samantha Jones. It’s an interesting way to look at the world. Always a fan of these blogs! Well, not just the blowjob ones… They’re just extra fun.

  • Sheila Floyd on December 20, 2013 at 7:08 pm said:

    Reply

    I am reminded of a client my husband (a lawyer) once represented for solicitation of prostitution. The client’s wife came in alone to talk to him. Seems that the woman’s husband was a high muckety muck in the Southern Baptist Church in our state and the repercussions would be devastating were the news to leak. The meek little woman explained to my hubby that for their 30th wedding anniversary she had given him permission and the funds to get “that” done to him as it was all he wished for. He was naive enough to ask an undercover agent in a sting operation. Hubby tactfully asked her why she hadn’t just performed the act herself. With tears flowing she told him that the Bible forbade it. Which leads me to a quote by Jerry Hall when asked by Andy Warhol how she kept a man like Mick Jagger happy. “Whenever he’s walking out the door I take a few minutes to give him a blow job. All you have to repair is your lipstick. I remain a GentleReader and happily married.

    • Ah, thank you for sharing this story GentleReader. So much good stuff in it and it made me laugh.

      Cheers to lipstick and all its glory!

  • Refreshing post from a woman, Jun!

    I spent my 20s hating blowjobs because I had friends who would use them to get attention from guys who didn’t find them worthy enough to actually insert their penises into. That offended my feministic sensibilities so my BFs all suffered the consequences.

    Fast forward to 14 years of marriage and I totally get the currency metaphor now! Let’s hope he doesn’t though lol

    • Ha! Blowjobs are troublemakers and party makers! :)

      There’s such a fine line we have to ride all the time and I just needed to draw my own line about blowjobs hahaha!

  • How did I miss being the first in line to comment on this one. Blowjobs are an acquired taste and obviously Cosmo gave this assignment to a non paid intern who hasn’t acquired the talent to be rewarded for anything else either.

    I guess it’s true what they say. I just don’t remember what they say. Jun I am shocked, simply shocked over your own admission to not having your Masters of Fellatio. You need to enroll immediately in GaYToR’s University to complete the needed hours for your grad degree. You must also bring your own lab partner for classes and your final exams.

    GaYToR U also offers a PhD in Blowjobbery. There is only one prerequisite for the class. You must be without tonsils or be prepared to go through some invasive dental surgery. Both is better but one is a must.

    As for the dingbat from Cosmo, she obviously doesn’t understand that sexual pleasure begins in the brain. Some of my most memorable experiences have come from nights (plural) in blacked out buildings and endless mazes of holes in walls. Giving someone pleasure while expecting or even wanting reciprocation is a high you can’t explain unless you have experienced it.

    And yes, this will all be on the final exam.

Feel Free to Dish!