We learn last night that Juan Pablo LOVES surprises…to give surprises.
Surprise! I got to sleep in today until 7:58 a.m. because when Noah awoke at 6:30 like bright brutal sunshine, my husband Davy took morning duties so I could sleep in. This happens never so I relish anything I can get.
Apparently though, each time this happens I’m supposed to award Davy a gold watch or at least a ticker tape parade in his honor. I get it. Davy works incredibly hard to provide for his family and because of that I take morning duties 97% of the time, and because I do truly appreciate my husband. I blowjob-swear.
What is my point?
As a husband and father, Davy’s top-notch but he has his faults and baggage like all fathers and husbands and men do. Like women do. Like we all do. Like Juan Pablo does.
It must be so hard to be Juan Pablo.
It’s already hard enough to be a father when you’re married to the baby mama and waking up under the same roof with her and your baby for years on end, but it must be doubly hard for Juan Pablo and all fathers with shared custody and child support and working out topless and Skyping from hotel rooms with his child. Time matters most. I can’t imagine. I don’t judge. I don’t hype or automatically put on a pedestal either. We don’t know shit about Juan Pablo. Men are all cut from the same cloth but they don’t all fit the same way into any world in my life.
Naked or not.
Like I’ve said, only Juan Pablo knows what kind of dad he is.
There’s lots of buzz around his fatherhood I’m going to leave all the name-calling to others and simply treat Juan Pablo like a piece of meat like ABC wants me to. It’s just easier that way for all of us. There’s no point in slicing off our lady-boners and crashing the ceiling of fantasy of who Juan Pablo is. Juan Pablo likes surprises. He likes to give surprises. I once had an ex who told me all the time, at home and out in public, that he had a surprise for me and it was always turned out to be his erect penis. So there’s one point of reference, I guess…
Unfortunately ABC hasn’t turned the evicted bachelorette photos black and white yet so I had to do it myself, so CBS still has that going for them…
Basically three ladies get sent home and for good reason:
Victoria: Too much baggage and too much alcohol will make Juan Pablo and any other Bachelor or Bachelorette send you home. History has proven this yet it still happens every season. Juan Pablo likes to give surprises not get them by way of belligerent drunks. Locking yourself in the bathroom of the hotel gym and melting down means you should spend some time to heal in a more healthy way than going on a reality show. I admit I did it when I went on Big Brother because it was my way of doing something crazy to bounce back from someone who’d hurt me. But alcohol kills. I hope Victoria finds some help.
Amy: What were you thinking?! You’re more than just a “Local News Reporter” yet you spent your ONLY two minutes with Juan Pablo pretending to interview him like a local news reporter. Arrrggghhh! It was awkward and looked like you were just trying to boost your local news reporter career even though I want to believe you were just trying to impress Juan Pablo. You will go down in ranks with Nurse Jamie who gave that horrid lap dance on Ben’s season. Sigh. Drop the invisible microphone and just be yourself.
Chantel: You’ll be fine as long as you don’t get lost in your romantic idealisms. You seem to have the biggest heart and appetite for love among all the ladies Juan Pablo’s sent home. I’d love to see you as the next Bachelorette but you and I both know that’ll never happen.
That leaves all the ladies remaining:
My picks Alli, Chelsie, Elise, Lauren, and Nikki are all still in. I don’t see Renee sticking around very long because there can only be one “mom” on the show, nor do I see Kelly “The Best Sport” staying long either despite her quote of the night for me:
“The date card said Say Cheese I would assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both, so I’m all right with either one.”
It reminded me of the fabulous Amy Crews of Big Brother and cheese fame.
Some other random thoughts on the remaining bachelorettes:
Clare: In addition to showing up out of the limo to Juan Pablo the first episode pretending to be pregnant. I, like her, have also lost a father. I empathized and also felt awkward when she was rubbing all up on Juan Pablo while speaking lovingly of her dearly departed dad. Um. Jacuzzi and Juan Pablo goes better with no talk as a matter of fact.
Kat: Her smile is SO beautiful but I hope she realizes that ABC and not Juan Pablo paid for that private jet ride, and I hope she drops the energy levels so we can see who she really is.
Lucy: Exhibitionist and walking the mansion grounds and streets of Los Angeles naked. We’ve never head this specimen of bachelorette before, have we?
Andi: She didn’t want to go naked for the doggie charity photo shoot yet she did after Juan Pablo told her he’d get naked with her. I guess that works. If you let someone use you then it’s because you want to feel used.
Cassandra: Drops what is typically called a “bomb” on Juan Pablo that she has child, a son at home. But it’s cool. Juan reacts to Cassandra’s opening up, about her child, by covering his mouth like a prissy little girl and being super supportive and caring just like he did when Victoria was wailing drunk. Point being, Cassandra has a sick body and I can’t believe she had a baby around the same time I did. She’s gorgeous.
Oh, and also, I don’t know what these bachelorettes are thinking when they say “Juan Pablo is so sweet and caring” when that’s all Juan Pablo has to show them in the first place. Do they think he’d not be a gentleman when called for, when there are cameras rolling, for the sake of love and television?
Can I possibly sleep in for as long as I want one of these days without worrying about having to wake up to anything but a kind smile and enormous cup of coffee and morning wood?