This will probably sound like a rant because it is one, more than usual…
It was obvious to me that Juan Pablo was super horny this week because he was tonguing down everyone and their teeth. Maybe it’s Clare’s fault from last week. Maybe it’s because all the ladies kept giving him English lessons and whining about their insecurities about being on a show based on exploitation of people’s insecurities. Maybe he just wanted to shut them up, using his own mouth to suffocate them.
But at the end of the day…
Juan Pablo sent Cassandra the NBA-baby-mama home early as a 22nd birthday gift to her, before the rose ceremony ever happened. Her youth finally scared the shit out of his balls, so good for her. Her maturity level seems higher than that of her vocabulary, but according to Juan Pablo “she’s gorgeous, funny and nice,” so she’ll be fine.
Kat was sent home, after she dropped more emotional bombs on Juan Pablo as a means to secure a rose. That’s never a good idea. It’s relieving and comforting to get shit off your chest, but it’s another thing to use it as a ploy for sympathy from a man who just wants to fuck.
I wish Cassandra and Kat the best, but on to the rest…
Clare: There are people who can treat sex like just sex and there are people who can’t, and it’s not exactly always mutually exclusive. And it doesn’t mean you get less sex either way. Clare’s one of those women who can always get sex but then she’ll bolt for any number of reasons, but mostly because she gave it up too fast thinking she could handle sex just being sex. I get it. I’ve been her. I’ve been the girl who sneaks out of guys’ apartments, or I went MIA after a sex romp or two. I walked many walks of shame at all hours. That’s Clare. And she also taught Juan Pablo what BOLT means in this episode.
Renee: Juan Pablo called Renee “my special one” but then he also used the term with Cassandra, which made it sound extra creepy. Special why? Because Renee and Cassandra are both moms? We have to be reminded of this every second of the season like it’s not obvious enough watching Renee coddle the crying and snot-nose-wiping Cassandra? Sigh. Renee’s got no shot at Juan Pablo and it’s a good thing. He doesn’t just want a MILF because he loves all ILFs equally.
Andi: I hate Andi’s hair! I tried getting used to it but I’m just not that into the ombre thing. Why would you dye the bottom half of your head a different color than the top of your head? It’s her hair but I don’t have to like it. Oh, and she is blind to the fact that all she and Juan Pablo have is sexual chemistry. Their conversations are more painful than a stab wound in the thigh. And to think she could have gotten claustrophobic and hyperventilated to death on that stupid one-on-one date.
Sharleen: She’s having doubts as to her existence on the show. I think it’s because she’s shocked at how much more excited she was about “geeking out” on the set of Lord of the Rings in New Zealand, than she ever is about Juan Pablo. I don’t know if she actually leaves like she threatens but we’ll see. I’m hoping she does because I can’t take anymore of her heavy lazy tongue kissing. But she does teach Juan Pablo what YOU CUT RIGHT TO THE CHASE means in this episode.
Nikki: She drops some knowledge on us, that I actually agree with, “You don’t get a husband by keeping your feelings in.”
Chelsie: I don’t know what this girl is still doing here. She’s too normal and too nice for Juan Pablo, and it’s like she’s at summer camp and not on the set of The Bachelor. He’d probably chew her up and spit her out onto the floor of the gym he’s working out in front of the mirror in, in real life. She teaches him the work FRAZZLED this episode.
Next week on The Bachelor I’d like to see Juan Pablo say: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Or nothing. I’m good either way.