I’m going to make this quick. Last night’s ABC finale of The Bachelor was unlike any finale I’ve ever actually seen in the franchise before. Clare claims to have her closure after having gotten off her chest to Juan Pablo’s face on national television, “I’d never want any children to have a father like you!”
Yes. Clare was clearly sent packing. Last night, she and ABC were intent on crucifying Juan Pablo. Did it work? Maybe. Did it last? No.
It doesn’t matter.
There are still thousands of crazed and probably-teenaged fans clamoring to get Juan Pablo’s love and attention, and everyone else involved in the finale just exhausted themselves trying to make Juan Pablo break when actually…
Juan Pablo is unbreakable. It’s like talking to a wall that you’re attracted to. Does Nikki really want to spend the rest of her life with an attractive wall?
All Wall Pablo can manage to say to her is:
“I like you a lot. A lot.” – Um, I say that to my vibrator at least once a week. You’d think Juan Pablo could come up with better than that for Nikki, by the end of the show.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” – Um, I say this to my period when she arrives EVERY month. That gets boring.
Get this though…
I once witnessed a friend get really drunk one night and dry hump a wall dancing so hard his jeans left a denim stain on the wall. You can dance with a wall but you can’t marry one! You just can’t Nikki. You should be ashamed of yourself for letting Juan Pablo literally tease you with a diamond engagement ring in his pocket while sweat rolled off your upper lip in the agonizing heat. I would have wrenched that ring out of his tight-pants-pocket and swallowed it. But no. Juan Pablo’s probably the spiciest thing you’ve had since egg nog last Christmas, and you are hooked on him. Enjoy it while it lasts.
I actually want to punish myself for watching all of it…as if I’m aiding and abetting someone when I shouldn’t.
Meanwhile, Juan Pablo’s somewhat magically materialized bff gay and apparently famous Latino cousin Rodolfo is the icing on the vomit cake that is essentially this season of The Bachelor.
I do really like Juan Pablo’s family though. And no matter how much was edited in or out or sideways up the ass, his family was blatantly telling both Clare and Nikki to run for their lives. But no, Clare and Nikki think it’s great that Juan Pablo makes his mom cry he’s so rude to her sometimes. And they find it so uh-mazing that Juan Pablo actually does nothing in real life but be an asshole commitment-phobe who watches a lot of television. This is all according to the things that came out of Juan Pablo’s family’s mouths, but they’re now saying that it was all “editing.”
Even I’ve never cried editing, and I could have many times. I’m sure Juan Pablo’s family said some nice things about him, but if ABC doesn’t want to show it then they don’t. End of that story. Welcome to reality television.
I just don’t see how Juan Pablo can cry about editing when even on live television, all he represents is a denim stain on some wall bringing awareness to the chaos in Venezuela. All “Bachelor Nation” wants to know is…
Whether or not Juan Pablo snuck in an “I loved fucking you” to Clare when the cameras were off. It’s something only he and Clare know. But it’s probably the most “honest” thing Juan Pablo would have said all season.