Being Jun Malkovich, Kinda

The plan was really simple this morning.

My husband Davy and I, along with Noah, would have breakfast then go to Supra Bazar nearby (think smaller-scale rural Target store) to get a new bulb for the lamp in our aquarium and a sun shield for Noah’s side of the car. Then we were going to check out the fresh sushi station at a Carrefour nearby (think Food Emporium), in the name of Rice House research, and also to do some grocery shopping before returning home at which time I’d make lunch before Noah napped and Davy would prepare to go work the “afternoon shift.”

Easy breezy.

Now 12 hours later I sit here and I feel like a month has passed because it was not a simple morning at all.

Welcome to my brain…

Sure, we had breakfast and got to the Supra Bazar this morning, but they didn’t have the lamp we needed for our aquarium. But they did have a Bumba sun shield. Side Note: Davy scoffed and swore on his life before Noah was born, that he’d never ever get a “kiddie” sun shield for our car and well he did today.

We then had to stop at yet another store to get the lamp we needed, and by then Noah was getting hungry and tired. We trudged on, getting stuck in traffic because of construction on one side of the road and a fatal car accident on the other. We counted our blessings because we had just missed it.

Then we got stopped a little later by two fucking ducks. Two ducks, literally fucking, in the middle of a major road. Alas, I failed to capture the actual fornication because my iPhone was buried in my bag. But I did manage to catch the ducks waddling their walk of shame back over the barrier and into the canal from whence they came.


When we finally got to the Carrefour, housing the alleged fresh sushi station, there was no fresh sushi to be found.

But we did find these vacuum-sealed things with expiration dates on them…


I didn’t even know sushi could have an expiration date of a week from now. I haven’t seen sushi with an expiration date on it since sad airport shops of yore. Alas, we didn’t purchase any of the sushi and we asked an employee which Carrefour location had the “fresh sushi station” and it turns out we were in the wrong town. So we decided we’d cut our losses and just have a non-sushi lunch. Noah needed to eat. I needed to eat. Davy had to leave for work sooner than we wanted to. So we chose ‘t Koffieboontje, The Little Coffee Bean, which we’d eaten lunch at once before, which also happens to be right next the failed Carrefour expedition.

I still wanted to check out the fresh sushi station, but the vacuum-sealed stuff called sushi at the last place confirmed what I already knew. Rice House would be filling a need outside of the city of Ghent., Ghent-proper…fresh sushi with no expiration date.

So Davy and Noah and I ate our lunch and just as we were about to leave, Noah scooted off his highchair too quickly and the back of his head met the corner of the dining table. I’m sure he saw stars because I saw some too, and I scooped him up and cradled him as he wailed like ten thousand firetrucks. Davy turned purple and started sweating, but grabbed wet towels from someone behind the counter, and used them as compresses against Noah’s bleeding head. Noah clung to me like my clothes do after getting caught in the rain in the summer time. His tears soaked through to my shoulder.

Everybody felt bad for him. I cried inside but cooed outside.

The bleeding stopped before Noah’s crying did, but a sweet lollipop gesture bought us some silence. We left hurriedly, but not before Noah turned back waving at everyone with a “Da-da” goodbye. Davy and I knew he was okay but we scrambled. Side Note: Thank you to the ladies at ‘t Koffieeboontje for being so compassionate!

Some medical attention and lots of hugs and kisses and candy later, minus some locks of hair, Noah was back home and mostly unaware of the bandages on his head.

Noah's Head

Our family physician also paid a house visit and Noah was deemed healthy and sound, despite some diarrhea from the candy earlier. Note to self: Less candy next time. And that was my morning.

So with Davy at work and Noah napping, I left home once again leaving Noah with his Opi. I had a stove to accept delivery of, at Rice House. My new industrial gas range was coming in today amidst the chaos.

I named her Suzy.

Suzy the Stove.




Can you see me?

She barely fit through the front door, Suzy, the front door to Rice House which once had temporary signage next to it which has been stolen. Who steals temporary signage?!


Then Noah had another poop explosion.

Davy’s just come home from work and tells me that there was a suicide attempt at work today, at the Port of Ghent. Not an employee. A civilian.

It’s been an odd day.

Today was a Being Jun Malkovich kinda day.

Always dishing,






  1. Karen

    I always call those kind of days “Full Moon Day“, even if there is not a full moon. Just one of those days nothing seems to go right. A good glass of wine and trashy TV always seem to set things right! Hope Noah is back to normal after a good night sleep.

  2. Chris

    Ok I already replied to most of this on Twitter. I hope Noah is doing good and Umma is more relaxed.

    I HAVE to comment on the packaged sushi. I can’t imagine how that smells after a day or so let alone a week! Holy Rice balls that would stink! Makes you wonder how many people have gotten sick eating them.

    Ok I’m done 🙂 have a great evening! Get some good sleep

    Love ya,

  3. Sparky

    Merciful Mary but you live a dramatic life. I love it. I can totally understand days like that, It seems if one thing goes awry it starts a whole cascade of wierdness. Just remember tomorrow is another day, Scarlett.

  4. I’m so glad Noah is OK. My eyes welled up as you told about it, remembering a similar fall with my little one. After the events of the day, I’m sure you wanted to tell the world to “go fuck a duck”, and the universe already had. I’m glad the ducks had a fucking good day.
    Sending you mommy love from California,

  5. Emily

    That I comment on the mellifluous flow of your writing is not intended to diminish the Malkovich nature of your morning … But you do write well …particularly as the raconteur just really so fluid .

    The stove … The door … Measure everything next time .. I think we all get one destiny pass .. Mine was a toilet in a small bathroom. Until I wanted to replace it I didn’t realize my luck … Now I can’t find one that will fit. …

  6. I’m sorry that Noah was hurt, of course. That’s a given.

    But I have to say, I love Belgian Ducks. They are randomly odd in Belgium and seem to do things that no self-respecting American Duck would even remotely consider … falling dead from the sky onto the walk; fornicating in the middle of a busy street with cars 150x their size and weight whizzing by.

    Yet one more reason why ducks are one of my favs.
    Duck. Duck. Duck!

    Oh .. and Suzy ain’t too shabby either.

  7. Damn. Glad Noah is ok! Holy Cow! And do I see the red knobs of a Wolf-Sub Zero on Suzy?!? Always my dream. Glad you made it through this milestone day. And might I add – only you would be detained by literal fucking ducks on a freeway. You’re a loooong way from NYC!

  8. I’m glad this day is over for you! My boys had the same type of head injuries in restaurants – corner of tables, know that well. He’s all boy that’s for certain! Glad he’s well and you survived a weird day …accidents, suicide attempt, injury, nothing going right. Hate those black cloud days. Had one today myself. Better days are coming and Rice House is much needed! I can’t wait to hear all about it and you’re in the groove of it all. Magic!

  9. Wo

    My sucky day has been deemed A-Okay by the measure of Jun…. so glad Noah will be okay, the next generation of ducks are on their way and Suzy made it through her new door. All is well in the end.

    I appreciate the perspective gained by reading your blog today and hope we both have better tomorrows! Fingers crossed.

  10. Peg

    Good afternoon, Mrs. Malkovich!

    Aside from Noah’s unfortunate mishap (hope he heals quickly) today was just a prelude for days to come once Rice House is open. You will be an awesome multi-tasker with a logistical sense of priorities.

    Being born and raised in a grocery/butcher/Polish kielbasy shop home (store was attached) I well remember my grandfather, mother and uncles running in circles while raising us kids. Lots of confusion, sometimes chaos, sickness, injuries, but mostly wonderful memories of a highly successful business (still functioning today, 103 years old! – I’m so proud of that).

    This is what you, Davy and Noah will experience. Consider today’s events just a dress rehearsal. Stand tall, you will handle it well just like you did today : > )

    We all look forward to opening day….it’s just around the corner.

    Best Wishes


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