Even When You’re On The Toilet?

You know, Noah, when something is making you sad and angry and you keep it inside instead of talking about it…do you know what happens?”

“What, mama?” He looked worried.

“That sadness and anger turns into something like poison.” I widened my eyes.

“Poison?” He looked even more worried.

“Well not like real poison. But poison for your feelings. And that poison may make you do bad things. Like today, you did a bad thing.”

“I don’t want to be bad. I don’t want poison inside me. I’m sorry I was bad today, mama.”

“I know you are. You’re a good boy. And that’s why mama knew that you probably had something inside you that was bothering you.” 

He said nothing, but looked down at his socks, he was sitting cross-legged on his bed in front of me. Thinking. Finally, he said, “Mama, I want to talk about something.”

“Okay, let’s talk. What is it that’s making you so sad or angry?”

“I wish you and me and papa were living together again.”

I wanted to disappear. Instead, I grabbed his perfect little hands and said, “That is a beautiful wish. I wish the same thing. But right now that’s not possible and I don’t know if it will ever be possible. Do you understand that?”

“But why not? Because you and papa fight too much?”

“Yes, and the things we fight about are things you will learn about when you’re a little older.”

“Does papa have poison in his feelings?”

I took a second before answering. “Everybody does. It’s ok to. But some people just have more than others.”

“Oh.” His wheels were turning, and they changed course. His shoulders lifted a bit and he cheered up and said, “But if we do ever live together again I want it to be here and not in papa’s house.”

“Why?”

“It’s quieter.”

“That’s a good reason. And you know what else? You don’t have to wait until mama asks you, to talk about your feelings..”

“I know. You said that to me a lot of times already.” His sassiness had returned.

“I wanted to say it again. You can talk to me anytime you want.”

“Even when you’re on the toilet?”

“Yes, even then. Anytime.”

“Is the poison out of me now?”

“Well, it’s not real poison. But yes. Do you feel better?”

“Yes, mama. Can I have some milk?”

And we went to get some milk.

~

This long but much needed talk happened over the summer, months after my husband Davy and I separated.

Some of you who follow me on Twitter may remember that “bad thing” Noah did on this particular summer day. I’d spanked him for it. And I shared that on Twitter, to mixed reactions.

He’d deliberately ignored my warnings, plural, about not shooting the water gun inside the house and he’d gone and done it anyway. This was very unlike Noah. And so I’d spanked him. And I’d felt horrible. But I wouldn’t change the fact that I did.

But I was well-aware that his behavior had to stem from something he was keeping inside.

There are things that I have also been keeping inside. Much of it is confronting and can be considered controversial. But at my own pace I’m grateful to have a voice, here, to share. Baby steps. Because nobody should have to feel isolated and alone.

I see you. I hear you. Thank you.

Always dishing,

Jun

61 Comments

  1. I’m so glad you have time to write again. You’re a great storyteller and I felt the emotions in this one.

    I try to say this every time you give us a closer look into your life: thanks for sharing yourself with us. You do it simply yet eloquently.

    You’re alright with me, chica! 😉

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      All anyone can do is try their best every day. At least then we can say we did try. It’s better than saying we didn’t. Thanks for the love Carolyn.

      Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      I’ve trained myself now to take a minute before speaking so I don’t speak out emotionally. Sometimes I get it wrong. But I try to get it right as much as I can. Thank you for your kinds words Sue.

      Reply
  2. Noah seems like a well-adjusted, much loved little boy. When I was about six my bff’s dad didn’t come home from work one day. Her mom just told her that he’d ‘moved out.’ She didn’t see him for six months and by then her mother had poisoned all three kids against him. Whatever your differences with Davy, it’s heartwarming to see that your Noah’s Mama first, last and always. I really hope things work out for ALL of you!

    Reply
  3. Sally

    I love your openness with Noah. My two little grandbabies are going through this also. It’s so sad! I try to keep a happy home when they are with me. Good job, Jun. ❤️❤️❤️

    Reply
  4. Caroline Valade

    It’s a hard job to be a mom in situations like these, you do the best you can and that’s all your son can ask for. You’re doing a good job, don’t doubt yourself.

    Reply
  5. Jane

    Beautifully written, as always you open your lives and heart to us about the most intimate parts of your life. I watched my niece go through the same thing with her son who was Noah’s age when she separated from her husband. They eventually divorced and yet her only child, their son continued to hope, ask, plead for over 8 more years they they all go back as a “family”. He is now 15 and told her this summer, he understands why they needed to be apart and he is grateful she did it. He sees the difference in his life, less tension, less anger.
    You are an amazing mom, your instincts are spot on.
    You are going to find your Bliss again and Noah will enjoy the journey along the way as he sees his mom blossom again with the joy of working towards ones dream.
    God speed, sweet lady.
    💖

    Reply
      1. Jane Bushell

        You are well on your way!💗 Each decision you are making is one that is moving you and Noah forward towards a more positive future. As always, I am somewhat in awe of you. You are blessed with wonderful instincts and intuition…always listen to your gut and that voice in your head!

  6. Meg Price

    Oh this so took me back 18 years to finding my 7 year old (Zach- who was a big fan of yours and asked you for a photo that you sent to him 🙂 ) sobbing in the bathtub- and when I asked him what was wrong he said he wanted all of us living together again. All I could do is hold him and cry a bit with him and say some of the things you said. You are a GOOD Mama! Remember one of the best things you can do for him is model going for joy. I so look forward to your posts! love and hugs!

    Reply
  7. So powerful for you to allow Noah to express himself – sometimes we forget that our wee ones are absorbing everything and holding that “poison” inside like we adults tend to do as well. You are a great Mama!

    Reply
  8. Melissa

    I’ve just subscribed Jun. You are an amazing person and I so enjoy reading your posts and now your blog. It’s evident that you’re a wonderful mother and that Noah’s happiness is first and foremost. Hold your chin up and keep dishing. We all love you. ~Melissa

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Thank you Melissa. I am glad to be back here. I feel like I can open up and share here. I did not feel like I could for so long. But now I’m back. Thanks for your kind words.

      Reply
  9. Sue

    Jun I’ve always appreciated your honesty and sharing the ups and downs of life. I have great respect and love for you. Your keep taking care of Noah and you. The future is bright.

    Reply
  10. Deano Brown

    I know you really want to write for a living… Have you ever considered a parenting handbook?? lol. For a first time mother with one kid you are seriously NAILING this!! Following you on Twitter for so long and seeing the things you do with Noah and the way you talk to him about things, it might seem really simple to you but some people would really struggle to even think of raising their children that way!!

    And the way Noah acts and behaves is the most shining example of what a brilliant parent you are, that kid is gonna go far!! haha.

    Sending you lots of love for whatever is to come <3

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      I still remember the bibs you sent me when Noah was born. You continue to make me smile and sometimes laugh. I so appreciate your energy and positivity. Thank you for being around Deano. Thank you for your kind words.

      Reply
  11. Carrie Garner

    This brought back the day I told my kids their dad and I were getting a divorce. One of the worse days in my life. My kids now all adults know and appreciate it was the right thing but man is it hard on them when they are little. Keep your head up. You’re a great mother. Noah will always know that even if he ignored it in the teen years.

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      Bwahahaha I do wonder what his teen years will be like. He’s already got such good arguments already whenever we debate. Thank you for sharing Carrie. I’m glad your adults kids appreciate you. Much love.

      Reply
  12. My comment from last night is in cyber space…not unlike my brain in recent months.

    I admire your willingness to share these personal tidbits with us. I feel we, the readers, always walk away with a new perspective and something to chew on.

    All those ‘What are you doing, Mama?’ knocks on the bathroom door will become ‘Mama, I need to talk with you.’

    Brilliant!

    Reply
  13. Chris

    Jun you are an amazing mom! Noah will always wish you all lived together but obviously remembers the noise at daddy’s house.
    I remember telling the boys that I wished we all could live together too. HAHAHA It almost happened only once, when we offered to help her escape abuse. (Oh the nightmare that would have been)
    Just keep doing what you’re doing. You are very intuitive.
    You are so loved by so many! ❤ including me

    Reply
    1. Jun Song Author

      I do feel the love. And i’m grateful. Having moved to a whole new country can be discouraging at times. But I do cherish and appreciate all the love.

      Reply

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