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Big Brother 18 – Power Rankings #2

BB

I’m funnier when I’m in a good mood. I’m meaner when I’m in a bad mood. I’m calmer when I’m actually freaking out inside. I’m pretty consistent, in life and on Big Brother. BB.

Have I changed since my season four? Yes. No. Yes. No?

We see time and time again that when BB alum return for a second shot, or sometimes even a third, they’re all over the spectrum of how much they’ve changed. It’s always “a lot” or “a little,” for better or for worse, or worst.

But there’s nothing like the first time, is there?

But first…

Week-3 Alliance7-11-16

(Special thanks to @89razorskate20)

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So let’s start with Frank…

Team: CATEGORY 4: Frank, Bridgette, Michelle, Paulie

Douche

Frank: Get your damn feet off the coffee table (-50 points). We are all waiting to see if you can still dominate in challenges like you did you first-time around, because without that you’re just (still) meathead-y, but just four years older. Did you return to your cave after BB14 only to emerge for BB18? By Random Draw you got lucky right away, and then you magically won the first Roadkill and then this last one pretty magically too, and all your wins seem to come from Pandora’s Snatch (-50 points). And it’s great that you slap asses as athletes, and even the asses of your friends who are girls. I’m happy for you all. But why the fuck would you put your hands on a woman’s ass, someone’s mother no less, unless you know that’s okay with her (-100 points)? If your mom was playing Big Brother in the house would you want a man CBS put in there with her, to slap her on the ass? What if that man was black? Listen, you douchebag…men do not get to slap women on the ass, especially a woman you only started living with all of a sudden, less than a month ago.  People are very angry about all this, and irrational too, but I’m just keeping it real. You need stronger women in your life. It’s never a bad thing to have too many of. Strong women save lives. You had Boogie, Mike Malin, to guide you your first season, Creepy Uncle Boogie, and now you’re trying to be Boogie this season, and also shouting out the name of his new restaurant on the feeds. Dudes of a feather cock together. I don’t even know what that means but it works for me. Final Tally: -200 points

BridgetteFrank

Bridgette: “I see you around the house. You’re great at this fucking game.” You said this to your dad Frank. Whether you meant it or it was pure strategy, it stroked his meat ego (+50 points). But you’re weird together (-50 points). But I appreciate that you didn’t respond with, I trust you, back to Frank, when he condescendingly creepy uncled you with I trust you (+50 points). Your cute act is vomit-inducing but you’re persistent and determined to make it work and that’s something (+50 points). You literally skipped to the diary room door after voting out Victor on Thursday, like who really skips like that in real life? You are no Shirley Temple, because you drop f-bombs trying to come off as tough, but they fall short of awkward (-50 points). Baking cookies got you compared to me but I’ve only attempted baking maybe a dozen times in my whole life, and never when I was in the Big Brother house. The only other thing I can think of is that we’re both of Asian descent and therefore you will be compared to me forevermore. You should actually be flattered (+50 points). I tweeted once that I’d punch you in your mouth if you ever baby-voiced me to death and apparently some deranged people took it literally, like I go around punching people in the mouth on the regular, and that I’d actually punch you in the mouth if I ever met you. So if you reading this…be careful. Bad fans can be terrible people. Good fans are the best though. Stick with those (+50 points). Your HOH win is great and all (+50 points) but nobody on the jury will give you credit for this week (-50 points) so you need to have a back-up plan if you want to build an actual resume at the end. But your POV win (+50 points) and leaving Bronte up on the block is something of actual substance (+50 points), barely (-50 points). And some more advice…do not bring Frank home to your parents. Ever. He will smack your sister’s ass when he feels comfortable enough to and then smack your mom’s too. Don’t do it girl. Final Tally: +200 points

Mich

Michelle: You are an enigma in your own head. But you’re fun to poke fun at (+50 points) and you lucked out on a team that’s keeping you safe as fuck (+50 points). I don’t dislike you but I don’t love you and you always sound at first like you’re trying to hide the sound of your chronic queefs, hoping that nobody heard them. Your issues with food and weight gain are interesting (-50 points). You eat a kiwi whole, fuzzy skin and all, which is actually more nutritious (+50 points), but so…extra (-50 points). Maybe that’s what makes you queef. You seem to actually seek ways to be weird (+20 points), like making up a boyfriend you never had and wow things like that. You actually have a terrible poker face, but you’re not on anyone’s flaming radar so good for you (+50 points). Being insignificant in a social game seems to be your M.O. Final Tally: +120 points

Paulie

Paulie: I thought you’d be douchier but you’re not, not as much as I thought you’d be, and I’m so relieved for something about this season. So thank you for something (+50 points). You went ahead and took the POV too (+50 points) although I’m not sure you had to (-20 points), but your word “SUSTAINABILITY” was lady boner stuff (+50 points).  “I am a fan of spelling.” Yes you are. But your grammar could use some work (-20 points), “I want to nip stuff in the butt.” Taking Paul down with the veto and backdooring Victor came very easy to you (+50 points) and your butt-nipping ways… And your social game is decent, and far more interesting than prank-pulling James (+50 points) which I apologize for setting such a low bar for. Final Tally: +210 points

Team Name: TEAM UNICORN: James, Bronte, Natalie

Ugh

James: From the moment your face was wedged into Natalie’s perfectly plump ass in that first HOH comp of the season, you dropped Taylor Swift with swiftness. Your drama in the off-season with Meg is only something you two know all the actual details of. But you are the underdog in that tiff and I always root for the underdog (+50 points). But…I don’t know. Is it just me? I wouldn’t want to live day in and day out with a prankster. Who the fuck actually wants that (-50 points)? But still your name isn’t brought up as a target (+50 points) so you’re doing something right. And you live out your creepy Korean uncle fantasies, yay for you, with Natalie, in your head. Because you will not be getting any actual action. I see what you did there sacrificing Victor. But Natalie’s just trying to make Victor jealous by hanging out with you. But I’ll still take your tired old saggy pranks over that big butt meathead Frank though (+50 points). Final Tally: +100 points

Bron

Bronte: You’re such a hot mess. Yawning the whole time on the big screen behind Julie Chen during the live show. You make me feel more pulled together (+50 points). Your fakey voices, yes plural, are baffling and annoy me (-50 points). I wonder sometimes if you’re possessed. But you remain relatively safe and your Spy Girls or whatever alliance has worked in your favor this week (+50 points). James creeps you out, and that’s okay (+50 points), I’m just glad you’ve toned down the Aarynistic behavior (+50 points). Final Tally: +150 points

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Natalie: “I’m happy to evict Victor!” Julie Chen heard your vote loud and clear. Hey. You are a beautiful beautiful woman and you should NOT feel ugly, ever, whether it’s in that ratchet house or in the real world. Zakiyah and Nicole having wtfmances has got you down? I understand. No. I don’t. I focused on winning, not on some short Korean dude, and CBS tried to distract me they did. But maybe you’ll end up using your fellow Korean HG James like I did my ex, Jee. But you need to stop that shit about feeling fat or ugly (-50 points). You are neither. I got fat but never felt ugly on my season. You are definitely not ugly. Be stronger, woman! And work James all you want (+50 points). It’s not like you’re giving him any milk (+50 points). But you saying you don’t want to put up a girl if and when you win HOH is stupid (-50 points). Don’t be an idiot. Put the makeup down, and put up whomever you have to “if and when”  anything. Period. Final Tally: 0 points

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Victor: You’re back to zero now that your ass is evicted. I wasn’t even finished looking at you. Life is so unfair. But your Instagram shout-out on live television might have been enough to make me cut you completely. Final Tally: 0 points

Team: BIG SISTER: Da’Vonne, Paul, Zakiyah

DayAndMichelle

Da’Vonne: “I gotta get her before she tries to get me.” This is the most obvious point of the game, yet you and other HGs keep repeating this to us in the diary room (-50 points). Relax. It doesn’t even matter who “her” is because that’s the whole point of the game. But your ass-slapping drama with Frank this week was hard for me to watch, because you do feel like you have so much to prove after your first run where you couldn’t control your emotions. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s keeping you in check. You’ve grown (+100 points). Good for you. You kept your cool when Frank told you he spilled about the 8-Pack to Paulie (+50 points). And you handled Frank as best you could when he continued to meathead-out (+100 points). But you’re willing to lose team members who could possibly up your probability of safety (-50 points) and I hope that doesn’t bite you in the ass. Final Tally: +150 points

FullSizeRender-48

Paul: “You dropped all the balls. You blew it.” You were talking about Victor (+50 points), not actual oral sex (-50 points), and it was nice to see you actually have a heart (+50 points). You and Jozea and Victor never had a chance as an alliance (-50 points). You need to work your ass off to make sure Tiffany goes home. I appreciate how raw you are in the diary room (+50 points), and in general (+50 points). I hope you don’t leave, but if you make it to the end you will have quite a list of accomplishments to rattle off to the jury. Good luck. Final Tally: +100 points

Kiyah

Zakiyah: Lots of people are pissed about you (-50 points) referring to Natalie as a “thot.” I thought that was a typo of some sort until I actually Googled it. If that’s all the Natalie fans have got on you, then you’re good (+50 points). Basically I’m just some old BB cat lady at this point having to look up words on the internet. Sigh. But I still find you hot as fuck (+50 points) and I’m mildly jealous that you got a lap dance from Paulie as a birthday gift in the house (+50 points). All I got was half a birthday cake and an ex-boyfriend to yell at. Speaking of which, some plaything of two weeks of your life seems to think he owns you, on social media. It’s cute though. It could have been worse. He could have been uglier (+75 points). Final Tally: +175 points

Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany

Nic

Nicole: For whatever reason, including the truth, CBS is editing you as the useless girl who finds Corey dreamy (-50 points). Smack yourself (-50 points). You started off so great (+50 points). And besides that, all CBS could come up with this week was a clip of you choking on water. Is that the extent of your BB legacy? Meatheads and inability to swallow (-50 points)? I never watched your season but I don’t think I need to, to learn anything more about you. Final tally: -100 points

Bros

Corey: “I must have a ‘honk if you’re horny’ sticker on my car with all these horns going off. You know what they say…if the RV is a honking, don’t come a-knocking.” Meat (-50 points). Head (-50 points). How many times did you have to try that whole line in the diary room before you got it right? CBS seems to be ignoring your budding bromance with Frank, and I’m sure it’s for a good reason. Final Tally: -100 points

Vaness2

Tiffany: I thought you were supposed to be good at this! Oh. Wait. No. You played the online version of this stuff (-50 points). It’s your sister Vanessa who will be more memorable of the two of you (-50 points) if you don’t actually start doing something besides looking good in jeans. I was actually mesmerized by your hips on Thursday (+50 points). But so far you’re a little underwhelming, even your unintentional impersonations of Vanessa. But do you. Final Tally: -50 points

~

Julie

Julie: You looked good Thursday. Hearing you shout “Kiss My Ace” made my week. But I need to know, who were those ball boys during the comp? Were they gifts from Les?

~

Paulie remains on top.

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother 18 – Power Rankings #1

BB

Enough cryptic life shit.

I’m watching Big Brother again this summer, #BB18.

Frank Eudy is back.

Upon entering the house by jumping out of suitcases, Frank and three other second-timers from different seasons, were all afforded a second chance to win.

Julie Chen dramatically forced everyone all at once, to listen to her big news…this summer would start as a team sport. News of this had already spread like wildfire on social media for weeks, but we all pretended as fans to be collectively wowed. The television-only viewing audience was definitely wowed.

Back to Frank…

Frank

By Random Draw, Frank was magically the first to hand-pick a member for his team, in schoolyard pick. It is why I have nicknamed him By Random Draw.

Da’Vonne Rogers, James Huling and Nicole Franzel are the other other returnees, and they also got “team protection.”

I hated the idea at first, teams…

But I did blog once in 2013 about a new twist where I’d like to see one “mandatory” open alliance from day one. This team stuff CBS gave us the season? I’ll take it for now. It seems to mean nothing to the HGs right now anyway. Though I hope this changes soon…

Because if you play a nearly flawless game it shouldn’t matter whether you start in teams or individually anyway. We all know it will get down to an individual game when production sees fit. Maybe this year they’ll steal from Survivor and give us some form of actual immunity idol that By Random Draw will draw week-to-week and forevermore.

We started out the season with a great blindside. When the house blindsided The Three Stooges on my season, it was delicious. Just like Jozea’s blindside was last week.

Week-2 Alliances BB18

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Power Rankings #1

Team Unicorn: JamesNatalieBronteVictor

Such a lame stupid name. The stupidest of the four, but then again, the team is led by James. For stupidest team name, everyone on this team starts off with -150 points.

James

JAMES: Why are you back (0 points)? Final Tally: -150 points

Bronte

BRONTE: Why are you “Wifey Spy?” Fuck no. I want to marry Natalie, not you. And you are far from wifely material, what with your ranting about sending James “back to Hong Kong” (-100 points). I don’t even like him that much but that’s fucked up. Maybe if you’d focused faster and more on your social game then you wouldn’t have gone “there” and you wouldn’t be sitting on the block now (-50 points). One more comment like that and you may enter BB15 territory. You’re not as cute as Aaryn Gries, so you won’t be worshipped like she was undeservedly post-show, by way too many people. But I do like your raw trainwreck-y diary rooms (+150 points) and how your wheels actually turn about the game (+100 points). And when you told Paul to basically STFU and stop being a sexist pig, you won some points (+100 points). Oh, your new and improved strategy to “not trust one single boy in the house” sounds very mature and forward-thinking *sarcasm* (-50 points). Play more like a woman and not like a girl. Final Tally: 0 points

Natalie

NATALIE: You say you’re “sitting there sweating bullets” yet I have never looked half as good as you when I’m sweating anything. It’s very hard for me not to objectify you because I find you quite attractive (+100 points), but it did scare me watching you presumably wiping makeup off in the bathroom (-50 points). YOU WEAR SO MUCH MAKEUP. But whatever. I’m not mildly obsessed or anything, maybe. It’s your face. I sound like Victor don’t I? Oh, but you’re right. You truly “are officially the underdogs of the house.” That’s okay though, because I tend to root for the underdogs (+100 points). I need you to be more helpful to Bronte though, otherwise you will be considered a coattail rider sooner or later. But for now you haven’t made yourself a target so that’s good (+100 points). “Flirty Spy” seems to be working for you. Nobody is really gunning for you. Final Tally: +100 points

Vic

VICTOR: You uttered the words “fair game” in the diary room (-50 points). Who determines what’s fair in Big Brother? Certainly not you. Even CBS hasn’t figured that out yet. Just abide by the contract you signed and the rest is fair game. You don’t want a girl to win? Because your level of emotional maturity is that low? Not good (-50 points). Finance degree or not, social game is key to getting that money in the bank in the first place. But thank you for being so very nice to look at (+200 points). You’re sitting on the block by association by bad self-awareness (-50 points). And geez, you flipped so fast after Jozea was evicted basically bending over for the returnees. Telling everyone right away that you won Roadkill, after you won Roadkill (+100 points)? Not good (-50 points). I don’t want you to go. Sigh. Final Tally: -50 points.

~

Big Sister: Da’VonneJozeaPaulZakiyah:

Stupid team name, again. -100 points to everyone on this team.

DaVonne2

DA’VONNE: I love you I do (+50 points) and I’m sincerely happy for you that you get another tearful chance to win the prize money for Cadence (+100 points). But girl…it seems like you’re trying to go for the BB Meme And Gif Hall Of Fame more than anything else this season (-50 points). But you’re still entertaining as fuck (+100 points). It’s week two and you’re not getting evicted, so that’s major improvement from last season. I know, it’s a low bar to set but it’s all we have. Please work on your happy face when you’re talking to people you don’t like or believe (-50 points). You cannot flop this season. As your Korean virtual mother I forbid you. But your kissing Jozea’s photo once it went black and white had me dying laughing (+50 points). If you make final two with Zakiyah I will fly you and Cadence out to Belgium for a visit with me. That is all. Final Tally: +100 points

Jozea

JOZEA (EVICTED): You are currently drowning somewhere in some faux celebrity river, with Glenn dead in the water floating face-down by you. Jozea. You were THE FIRST (REAL) EVICTEE. Because let’s face it…Glenn doesn’t count. He didn’t exactly get Jodi’d, but that’s what it was in different packaging. Yes, this is supposed to be about you, Jozea, of “My word is my word,” and “Scenarios is scenarios,” fame. Because apparently that is the depth of your critical thinking. This is this. That is that. Jozea. Your delusions of grandeur were fucking fantastic fun to follow and make fun of. Glenn Who?

Paul

PAUL: “The Big Brother universe hates me at this point.” No. It hates everyone equally, Paul. You’re not special. But good for you for taking yourself off the block last week (+100 points) although you really were responsible for getting yourself on the block in the first place (-50 points). You pet your beardfro when you’re nervous, and you liken yourself to Godzilla…let alone you’re not afraid to refer to yourself as Godzilla, publicly. You’re the self-proclaimed black sheep of the family who takes delight in being the black sheep, which screams: you have lots to prove. I should know. You are so rough around the edges but I like you more than Jozea, which is a very low bar to measure up to. But it’s something (+50 points). But you should knock off calling anyone a little Korean or little anything, because you are one of the few very short men in the house, especially when Jozea comes back after beating Glenn. Final Tally: 0 points

zakiyah

ZAKIYAH: Why are you so hot? (+200 points). You have Da’Vonne and Paulie as shields. I love it. Final Tally: +100 points

~

Freakazoids: NicoleCoreyGlennTiffany

Annoying name but whatever. -50 points to all.

Nicole

NICOLE: Even when you’re happy you sound unhappy. It’s a true talent (+50 points), and also annoying as fuck (-100 points). You’re a nurse, but if you came to treat me in the emergency room I’d get anxious listening to you. I’d ask for another nurse. But I don’t mind watching your hot mess of a self on the show (+50 points). It’s quite entertaining. (+50 points). I never watched your season and I don’t hate you (+50 points). Final Tally: +50 points

Corey

COREY: You need to make like your picture above and keep your mouth closed and smiling ever so slightly. It’s your best look (+50 points). It’s your only decent look (-50 points). So stop talking. Stop watching men shower. As a matter of fact close your eyes so you’re not even tempted to. And don’t ever set fires to animals ever again (-100 points) or we will find you. We will hunt you down and your trash friends down. I’ve never heard of peppermint bark before you told us about it and its “life-changing” qualities. But it sounds terrible. You’d better redeem yourself and soon, buddy. Final Tally: -150 points

Glenn

GLENN (EVICTED/GLENNED): I’m using your stock photo. Just go home. Unless the buyback comp is mental, I don’t see how you will outlast all the young bucks exiting the house. You probably have Trump rallies back at home to get back to anyway.

TiffTIFFANY: You are Vanessa 2.0 in so many ways (-50 points) yet you are not her too (+50 points). It’s freaking me out watching you and having to consciously tell myself you’re not Vanessa. Even though I know you’re not. And how can you suck so bad at math in that Roadkill comp (-50 points)? What kind of high school do you teach at?! Final Tally: -100 points

TiffanyTrippy.

~
Category 4: FrankBridgetteMichellePaulie

Sad, but the best name of the four teams. Kudos on that at least. It may be the best thing these people did all summer. +50 points.

ByRandomDraw

FRANK: Frank, Frank, Frank…you have aged like a bear. I don’t even know what that means really. You’ve definitely still got your big butt (+50 points), but your game still sucks (-300 points). If you can’t even keep track of all the fake alliances you’ve made then you are actually your biggest pain in the ass. I’m just here to agitate it. But I think Corey wants to agitate your ass more than I do. And kudos to you for publicly confessing that you have hemorrhoids (+50 points) and how you must tend to them and nurse them every so gently with your fingers (+50 points), as you not so gently rebuffed Corey’s voyeurism (+100 points). You said it gave you weird feelings having him watch you. It’s good to talk about feelings (+50 points). Hemorrhoids kills. Well, maybe not, but I’m not a doctor. Final Tally: :+50 points

Bridgette

BRIDGETTE: How old are you? This isn’t pre-teen pageant girl scout camp (-100 points). Women have advanced farther than you are playing but whatevs, you were typecast and you’re playing your role (+100 points). Do what you gotta do sister. If they let you win by swinging side to side like Shirley Temple until your tassels poke an eye out, then do you. I saw a porn once called “Spunky Spice” and it was all about a girl getting spunk all over her face. This has nothing to do with you except your name is Spunky Spice in your alliance. Good job surviving eviction last week (+50 points) even though your bad decisions got you outed as a spy and nommed in the first place (-50 points). But you survived because you’re quite insignificant in the game right now. That’s not a bad thing (+50 points). But this may change. And if it doesn’t then that’s okay too. Sigh. I know you miss your dad, but your kinda crush on Frank is a little weird because it just is. Stop it (-50 points). Final Tally: +50 points

Michelle

MICHELLE: You need to not let the sun turn you into carcinogen (-50 points). You need to not compare Bridgette to me (-50 points). You need to not say bad things about “fat people” unless you have a thoughtful solution to your rudeness (-50 points). But so far you’re laying around eating junk food and hating yourself, basically living out your BB dream, so I’m happy for you (+50 points). You would sell your soul for safety in the house, or the last bag of potato chips, whichever comes at the right time. I love it (+50 points). Final Tally: 0 points

PAulie

PAULIE: You’re HOH (+50 points) after surviving last week’s eviction (+50 points) after going spread eagle for the returnees right away (-50 points), and still losing to Paul in the POV (-50 points) but then you won POV this week (+50 points), but you are beasting out so early (-50 points). Though you would have been a target anyway so at least you’re killing comps (+100 points) and making the best of friends especially in one very hot Zakiyah (+50 points). If you marry her later I will come back and add +5,000 points to this blog. Final Tally: +200 points

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Power Rankings High:GroupLeft

Two beautiful black women in the BB house.

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Power Rankings Low:GroupRight

Frank holding on to his nuts the entire live show.

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Power Rankings Tradition:

PenisHead

They gave Julie dickhead. Sigh.

~

 Standings

(I took the liberty of adding some penalties)

PowerRankings1

Congratulations Paulie.

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother 18

BB

I’m fucked up. You’re fucked up. Because we’re all actually fucked up. And we are all fucked up for this new season of Big Brother. Yay.

And there are more names like Arroyo and Flores and less names like Honeycutt and Marlow among the new (part) of the current cast. Again, yay.

Today’s cast reveal was great. And I stand by CBS’s decision to postpone it by one day, whether their intentions were business-driven or altruistic. Because precious lives were lost in Orlando. And there’s lots weighting on everyone’s minds.

Big Brother can wait and should wait, and it waited. Jackie Ibarra was right when she tweeted yesterday that delaying the cast reveal was the right thing to do.

And here I’d thought I’d never come to appreciate Jackie for anything. I was wrong. Yes.

You can virtually smell summer in the social media buzz because Big Brother is about to start up again. Whatever “summer” smells like to you. It makes the BB fans come out.

So, no, I don’t think the show is going anywhere anytime soon. Les Moonves likes making that easy money that goes, most of it, right into his pockets at the end of the year. And Big Brother creates a buzz.

I wish it would create a ripple though.

Buzzes get old.

Because CBS lost an opportunity on season 15. They lost me. And for the next season too they lost me. I have yet to watch season 16. Because that season 15, CBS went for the buzz and not a ripple, by not taking more of a firm stand on the racism that prevailed. Because what you saw on the televised shows was nothing compared to everything else that happened on the live feeds. Allison Grodner could have called the HGs on season 15 together for a house meeting over the loudspeaker. She did during my season, season 4, when Scott Weintraub had a fit and started throwing chairs around and then announced out loud to the house that he had HPV. So Groder could have called the cast of season 15 together for a talking to, in the least. She should have, and for Candice Stewart. Candice was baited and then some, and CBS has a lot of making up to do for tolerating shitshow racism.

So I appreciate their semblance of caring yesterday. As an American and as a human. More of that please and thank you.

Always dishing,

Jun

What Big Brother Canada Season 4 Meant To Me

image

A lot, to me.

Obviously, nothing will surpass Big Brother U.S. for me, because it was there first and made me a lot of money for three months of my time. But it didn’t change my life. I always change my life.

But Big Brother Canada Season 4 actually meant a lot, to me.  I never watched Canada’s first season and binged the second season last year, just so I could watch the third season live. I expected more from #BBCAN3 because #BBCAN2 was pretty great. But #BBCAN3 turned out to be just okay.

But…

#BBCAN4 gave me Arnold Shapiro vibe and feel in casting, and I liked it, as both a fan and an alum.

realityrecap

I even kept up with #BBCAN4 while I was in New York last month, calling in to Reality Recaps just for fun. Noah even made a cameo at the end. I’m not even sure how I squeezed that in, what with everything else accomplished on our family trip.

freedomtower

Freedom Tower, One World Trade Center, April 2016

~

But I did somehow keep up with, and finish this season of Big Brother Canada. I’m glad I did. It was a good season to be a fan, a Big Brother Canada fan.

But it had a disappointing ending, because it was an explosive season by Big Brother North America standards, and Tim should have won but he walked so we’ll never know. Some think he lied. Some think he was contractually obligated to “quit.”

Conspiracy theories are internet diarrhea.

Tim walked. A real winner always wants to win again. Tim is no winner. But then again, maybe he really is serious about wanting to go into politics in Australia. Quintessential happy go lucky Tim. OR even politics in Canada, if the right girl marries him…

But this isn’t about Cass, though it could have been. But she wasn’t in the final two, was she? She didn’t study enough, even though it would have made her a more whole player and PERHAPS GOT HER INTO FINAL TWO.

No, this is about Kelsey.

Dear Kelsey:

You shouldn’t have let Cass shake you on finale night. This wasn’t a beauty pageant. It’s Big Brother. You really should have reaped more for everything sewn, but you didn’t. You’re the one who evicted Cass and then you evicted Tim. It doesn’t matter who the HOH was because you had that sole vote on two pivotal weeks back-to-back. Your resume was good. You needed to manage Cass and Tim so they would be nice and fresh off to jury but you didn’t and, that’s why you lost to the Paqs brothers. It’s disappointing. I wanted you to win, not them. I don’t care if it “means more to them than it does to you.” What does that even mean? It means it’s a personal game as much as it is a social and strategic game. The sooner everyone realizes it the sooner we have less disappointing finales, period. 

  • Sidenote: It’s okay to lose but you need to know why you lost things in life. Lessons need to be learned. 

On the surface it seems like the Paqs brothers and Kelsey executed polar opposite games. But they didn’t. Both had pretty open alliances. It was blood versus water except the brothers couldn’t evict one another, hell, they couldn’t even evict themselves. They should have been made to self-evict. It would have been delicious. And rewarding, as a fan. And alum.

But Kelsey actually had it tougher because she was in an open alliance of three not two, including a meat shield froyomance inside that. That’s more complicated than what the brothers dealt with. And she made it to the end, despite being evicted once already. Whose fault is that?

And whose fault is it that the brothers got so far and that Tim got so far, and Nikki as far as she did? Twists are protected. Because money has been invested.

End of story.

But it was a very good season. Very reminiscent of Big Brother U.S., the earlier years. It’s probably the last of its kind now…

I hope the brothers grow up sooner than later. I’m sure they’re fun to party with but they’re lucky they were sitting next to Kelsey in the end. The End.

Always dishing,

Jun

 

Big Brother 17: T-SHIRT GIVEAWAY

HillbillyAsian

UPDATE: TWO WINNERS ARE: Gwen Keaton of Texas / Pam Salensky of Pennsylvania (Please use this link to send me your mailing info)!

Congratulations to the winners!

~~~

Calling all Big Brother fans!

If you’re a fan of Big Brother 17 Houseguest James Huling and you’d like a chance to win a #HillbillyAsian t-shirt…

(Part of the proceeds of all t-shirt sales go to the Tara Hall Home For Boys where he lived as a teen, full article here: James Huling – Tara Hall)

original

 

 

 

Please leave in the comments section below:

  1. Your first name, and last name or initial
  2. T-shirt size
  3. The U.S. state you represent

I’ll draw TWO names in ONE week from the date this blog.

Sorry, this giveaway is only open to U.S. residents at this time!

Good luck everyone!

And if you’re interested in purchasing a t-shirt yourself and helping the cause please click on the photo above to go directly to the site, or click here!

Thanks always!

Always dishing,

Jun

 

 

BB17 Power Rankings

BB

Power Rankings is back. If you don’t know what that means it’s okay. It’s just a thing, that I once got paid to do, to do before Rice House ever happened. Three criteria and points tallied accordingly, and according to my current mood.

CRITERIA: 1. Would I trust this HG to babysit Noah for an hour or two?/  2. Would I employ this HG at Rice House? / 3. Would I double date with this HG (and their potential significant other)?

Would I trust this HG to babysit Noah:

MegMeg (+50 points) despite her preference to sit or lie down most of the time and her inability to sense evil, she’s an ideal puzzle and boardgames and movies kinda lazy babysitter.

JuliaJulia (+20 points) alone without her sister Liz, is someone I might actually let babysit Noah.

Liz

But not Liz, no (-20 points).

Steve

But I think Steve would be great because he and Noah would play Legos all day and Noah would adore him for it, and Steve talks a lot and so does Noah so there’s that (+50 points).

James

 I feel like James would be okay although Noah would inevitably pick up on things like James staring at women’s breasts, which Noah already calls “boobies” because it’s all my fault (+10 points).

JohnJohn talks a lot like Noah already, at least when he’s excited, so they have something in common already plus Noah likes dentists (+40 points).

Austin

Austin I fear, wouldn’t ever wash his hands or even properly enough to be a decent babysitter, and that’s all I have to say about that (-10 points).

Vanessa

Vanessa is a no (-20 points).

 

NEXT…

Would I employ this HG at Rice House: James would sexually harass every female patron and piss their men off, and that’s not what I want Belgians thinking Korean men are like sorry (-20 points). Meg would have to be given a desk job but um I don’t have those, so I suppose she could bag food or wash rice if her frail arms could handle it ugh (+10 points). Austin would spend more time trying to woo menstruating women and seek out Belgian wrestling federations with his wheezy breath, and fail at both and make me lose money (-20 points). Vanessa is a no for obvious business reasons (-20 points). Liz is a no because she will eat the whole shift every shift and cost me money, and you cannot speak Dutch with -uhhhhh at the end of every word or risk being beaten by angry Belgians (-10 points). Julia though is a maybe, since she doesn’t eat very much at all, and she seems somewhat ambitious in the kitchen, sigh (+10 points). John would probably work out because he could always do some illegal dental work on the side by day and make a killing, in addition to stickering Rice House merchandise and washing dishes for me by night (+10 points). Steve would be an easy hire for me although he’d have to get used to not having his mom around again, but with his musical background he could provide entertainment at Rice House while customers wait for their food (+30 points).

Would I double date with this HG (and their potential significant other)? John claims he turns himself up to obnoxious levels whenever he’s trying to end a relationship with a girl, so I’d actually like to see him do that in person on a double date (+20 points). Vanessa and her SO would be in truth be quite fascinating to have front row seats to, if you’re into studying couples (+25 points). Steve and his date would be nothing short of polite, and I love chocolate milk and Steve loves chocolate milk, so there’s that (+20 points). Austin is a no (-20 points). Liz with Austin is a no but with someone else possibly a yes (+10 points). Julia is someone I’d double date with, if only to get the scoop on how she beat leukemia ((amazing)) yet still turned out to be so vapid  (+10 points). Meg I’m not sure I could handle in large doses because she always looks like she’s in a state of something between hungry and deranged, and that can be disconcerting on a double date, but maybe (+10 points). James would of course bring Meg, because that’s just something James would do, and he’d stare at Meg’s boobs all night like I would (+50 points). Because, Koreans.

~

Based solely on HGs games and actually being there for the game I give an additional +25 points to Vanessa, Steve and John.

Based solely on the cleanliness of HGs souls, I award an additional +20 points to Meg and Steve.

Based solely on Austin’s speech during his nominations I deduct -500 points from Austin, and Liz by default, and -200 point from Julia by default.

~

TALLY (in order of decreasing suckage):

Austin: -550 points / Liz: -520 points / Julia: -160 points / Vanessa: 10 points / James:  40 points / Meg: 90 points / John: 95 points / Steve: 145 points

~

Steve

Steve wins. We’ll have to see if he survives this upcoming eviction. Sigh.

Always dishing,

Jun

RIP John Zsa Zsa Martin aka GaYToR

ZsaZsa

GaYToR.

We met on a website called Big Brother Dish in the summer of 2009, where I was writing Big Brother blogs for fun. I never even thought to charge for my writing. I was doing it for the love of Big Brother and “for the fans.” The concept of fans was so new to me, even after so many years after winning Big Brother because at the end of the day, I’m just like everyone else. My mother thought I was crazy to write for free, so I lied to her and told her I was getting paid $25 an article, and this made her happy. That was 2009.

I didn’t know what to make of GaYToR at first. I didn’t know why the “Y” and “T” and “R” were capitalized in his username. I still don’t know. I always meant to ask but always forgot to. It didn’t matter. He was GaYToR. He was a drag queen in fabulous New Orleans, and he was a huge and old school fan of Big Brother.

Then, at some point, GaYToR went from fan to friend. The Big-Brother-Fan-to-Friend. This doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s warm and sincere and long-lasting. I learned that GaYToR’s real name was John Martin, and Zsa Zsa his stage name, and his loving partner in life’s name was Danny Stark.

John Zsa Zsa Martin and I were friends before I ever had a Facebook fan page or Twitter account, or my own blog. I tasted my first-ever New Orleans King Cake because Zsa Zsa sent me one with Louisiana love. Zsa Zsa never asked me for a thing but gave a lot of himself.

Over the years, John Zsa Zsa Martin watched me go from single thrill-seeker to married to mom and we exchanged stories and anecdotes like any other friends would, regardless of how we met. Zsa Zsa shamelessly lusted after my husband Davy, to my delight and Davy’s laughs. Davy and I talked about Zsa Zsa often, and interestingly enough, we always referred to Zsa Zsa as “her” or “she” and it always just felt right. Davy always laughed extra loud when Zsa Zsa flirted with him.

Zsa Zsa loved his Danny Stark, but Zsa Zsa held a special place in his heart for Davy too and for me and Noah.

After all their years together, Zsa Zsa and Danny were to be married this past Friday in Connecticut. On Saturday morning, I received the news that Zsa Zsa died of a massive heart attack right before the wedding. April Fool’s Day had already come and gone, and the reality of Zsa Zsa’s passing was cold and shocking and raw still. Danny is now mourning his partner of 33 years and yet still so in love.

Davy wasn’t home yesterday when I received the news. He was helping a friend move into the city. I told him everything in one long breath when he got home and the hairs on his arms stood up as his face fell. Neither Davy nor I had ever met Zsa Zsa in person. How could we be so affected?

GaYToRRIP John Zsa Zsa Martin

I can only imagine what Danny is going through right now. Bringing John home to New Orleans from Connecticut is the harsh reality that must be addressed. Who has extra money these days? Nobody I know. But what Davy and I could, we spared and sent to Danny. Danny needs help to repay a kind minister who paid all final expenses up-front. With no legal recognition or death benefits to collect, Danny Stark could use a compassionate shoulder to lean on.

At the time of this writing, the John Zsa Zsa Martin fundly fundraiser is nearly two-thirds of the way there. If you can, please help. The smallest amounts can amount to enough.

We miss Zsa Zsa already.

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother Canada 2: A Very Young Cast

Unknown

Hello Canada! I realize it’s not just Canadians reading but I’m gonna congratulate you guys on your 25 medals at this Winter Olympics. And now onto Big Brother Canada…

Last year around this time I said “I don’t even know if I’ll have the time to watch any of the first ever Big Brother Canada season premiering Wednesday, February 27th.”

This year I didn’t even realize that the second season of Big Brother Canada even revealed its cast. My brain has reached capacity and I’m late for the party. But I brought favors.

Remember these from last year?

Age

MostLikeable MostLikelyToGetInAFightMostLikelyToShowmanceMostLikelyToWinAfter checking out stuff on Slice and watching a few of the videos (Arisa Cox is still so much cooler than Chenbot)

I’ve done a set for this season and they look like this:

BBCAN2Age

Rachelle is the youngest at 20 and Paul is the oldest at 43. He’s then followed by Sarah at the ripe age of 32, and then Ika who’s 29, and the rest of the crew? In their very early to mid-late 20s. It’s a very young house.

BBCAN2MostLikeable

I listed Paul least likable because I think he’s gonna motivationally speak his way out of the house. Kyle, at 24-looking-34, may prove me wrong and be more likable, but not likely since he has the The Bachelor Juan Pablo-vibe going on. He fancies himself a catch. I feel like I was pretty accurate with my Most Likeable picks last year. This is based on nothing but first impressions judgements on paper and film. Everybody calm down.

BBCAN2FightI listed Adel least likely to get into a fight only because he prays five times a day and he also likes to go by:

1. “Inventor of the tongue-mounted toothbrush” – I can’t imagine what would be so important that you can’t brush your teeth with your own hands, unless you’re masturbating and shaving at the same time.

2. “The People’s People” – Someone please explain the plural stuff going on…

3. “The People’s Champ” – These are also the three words he used to describe himself in his bio. So he is not only The People’s Champ, but he describes himself as “The” and “People’s” and “Champ.” Like, imagine me going to a job interview and saying, “I’m Jun and I’m The!”

4. “HOH Supremacist of Big Brother Canada” – I don’t even want to touch this one.

5. “Muslim and Ambassador of Islam” – I will leave this one alone too. It’s altogether too many titles for me to deal with before enough coffee, which I’ve not had yet.

Also, I keep picturing a big blonde woman singing every time I picture Adel. Does anyone else’s brain do this?

 

BBACN2Showmance

The Jillian and Emmett showmance was one of the best things to come out of the first season of Big Brother Canada. Andrew is my pick to showmance right away, because it’s what it sounds like he does in real life anyway. Rachelle is hot enough to get ass whenever she wants in real life, so I think she’ll play in the house. And Lord knows Sabrina’s hilarious and makes it clear she’ll fall into someone’s lap with no panties on because she’s looking to showmance yesterday.

BBCAN2MostLikelyToWinI think this is really a manifestation of who i’d like to go in what order because I don’t care who wins. If I’ve failed to mention anyone in this blog, which are many, it wasn’t intentional but maybe telling. Besides, none of these Canadians named me as their Big Brother idol and that’s just disappointing. Canada. I’d totally bring this up if there was ever a roast, and Julie Chen was my Roastmaster…

~

“Nobody on Big Brother Canada 2 named you as their Big Brother idol, Jun.”

~

Always dishing,

Jun

 

7 Tips for Big Brother 35

TipsFM

Not to brag or anything and definitely not like other moms, but I’m proud of the Big Brother player my little Noah’s turning out to be, even before the age of two. Not literally of course, but in the context of life’s social game and competitive nature. I’m admittedly obsessed with watching people’s behaviors, and I spend the largest part of my time watching Noah in an array of environments.

Big Brother fans and alum alike, including me, joke about a Big Brother 35 season featuring alum’s children. Imagine a house of adorable babies all grown up and playing a season together, and their common link is that their parents were once on the show themselves. Freaky.

Too freaky.

I can’t imagine the show being around another nineteen years but at the same it’s quite probable. Big Brother costs nothing to produce compared to money that’s made by CBS, and the fandom isn’t dying down in the least despite the shows regression in other areas. Big Brother 35 could very well happen!

I can’t imagine Noah in nineteen years because I don’t want to picture myself that “old” and heading towards checking off the “Over 60” box on surveys. But I imagine Noah would do very well in the Big Brother 35 house. He’s now got daycare on lockdown three mornings a week, and seems to have alliances going on already. I’ve counted 3.5 alliances so far, and I’ll explain the half later.

This is all from what I observe, and what the daycare owner and den mother, Ellen, tells me:

1. Noah’s the oldest, by six or more months, yet he coddles the babies and is quite helpful all-around. This comes in handy in the Big Brother house when you find yourself “different” from the other Houseguests, for whatever the reason right or wrong.

2. Noah’s got an alliance with the biggest (literally) baby boy “T” at daycare, and also one with Ellen’s two sons, with a side alliance with Ellen’s younger son “D”, but with none of the other boys! This is excellent play in the Big Brother house because you need to know when and how and with whom to make the right alliances so that you’re protected in numbers, but you shouldn’t be a part of every existing alliance!

3. Noah eats like a beast every day that he’s at daycare for four hours and poops once. This is important because in Big Brother, you need to keep eating so you have energy to deal with horrible Houseguests, and you have to be able to poop with other people around, so regularity in bowel movements is good.

4. Noah has one particular alliance with his daycare girlfriend, “L”, and they always say hello and goodbye to each other each day. This is good in preparation for showmance possibilities in the Big Brother house, and for practicing waving goodbye to people as you evict them one-by-one.

5. Noah has a half-alliance, meaning he’s not committed to it but he’s not discarding it either, and it’s with a girl named “A” who’s right around Noah’s age and has a crush on him! This is important in case your run into someone in the Big Brother house that you’re really not that into, but they’re totally into you, so you make sure not to burn any bridges and make the best of the situation. 

6. Noah comforts a baby named “K”, at daycare, because she’s new there and all she does is cry all day…but then he’ll come home and randomly impersonate her by saying her name and scrunching up his face, pretending to cry! This is excellent for social game in the Big Brother house, because there’s nothing wrong with being civil to fellow HGs, but then you’re also giving the fans good diary room!

7. Noah pretend-cooks at daycare, and at home, and he’s all about making everyone taste-test his creations while serving accompanying drinks. This is always handy in the Big Brother house, for currying favor and filling your own belly at the same time…and this goes for drinks too.

NoahKitchenGlove

You don’t need to be an athlete or competition beast to win Big Brother if you have lots of other stuff going on. I can say this because I’ve proven it, and lived to dish about it. I don’t know how athletic Noah will turn out, but I know Noah will perform better physically than I did.

This is all hypothetically speaking, of course, and just for fun…isn’t it?!

Noah does have dual citizenship after all…

Always dishing,

Jun

How Marriage Is Like Big Brother

WeddingCakeTopper

Marriage is like Big Brother.

I’m not saying marriage is a game, because Big Brother is no ordinary game. Big Brother is more like marriage than The Bachelor ever is. It’s no wonder that there have been real marriages arising out of seasons of Big Brother. 

Life, in general, can be likened to Big Brother but it’s marriage that’s the final two. You both signed up for it. There’s no cash prize pay-off at the end but the two of you take home the prize anyway. We say there’s only one winner in Big Brother but there’s actually a 2nd place winner so technically there are two winners, it’s just that one got more money than the other. If and when there come times when you and your partner meet a jury then your arguments will determine who wins. I don’t shy from arguments at all, in front of juries or not, so being married to me must be tough sometimes.

Throughout the game of Big Brother, like in marriage, your final-two alliance remains steady as people around you are brought into your alliance, and some voted out. There are just some people that need to be cut the fuck out of your life for you to keep your marriage stronger. You don’t have to tell this to people’s faces, since you’re managing jury votes, but you really do have to know when to burn bridges.

There are no real competitions or favoritism, and no Chenbot thankfully, in marriage.

But there are still challenges and rewards.

Winning food in the Big Brother house was as important then as it is now, and always exhilarating. Let’s say for example, instead of Food Competitions my husband Davy and I juggle our little Noah and a huge shopping cart down the aisles of the supermarket. An exhilarating win for me is keeping Noah preoccupied sitting in the shopping cart while Davy and I shuffle quickly, single-file, while throwing groceries in our cart. The shorter the trip the better-behaved the kid. Last week we came home with a can of Pringles that neither Davy nor I put in the cart, but both of us thinking the other must have wanted it. It turns out it was Noah who threw the Pringles in the cart! We saw him do it again this last trip, reaching into the same shelf, and the Pringles mystery was a mystery no more.

Luxury Competitions are like arranging date nights, or getting to sleep in the morning after date night. Sending little Noah off to grandma’s or grandpas’s on a random Saturday night is a luxury. Getting to take a bubble bath in a quiet house is also a luxury. An unexpected and delicious nap in the middle of the day is also a luxury worth vying for.

I never fathomed writing a blog like this when I was sitting in final two with Alison in 2003, but here I am.

Could you find a winning final two?

Each partner has to balance being Head Of Household and not being Head Of Household, and each partner must respect the other’s Power of Veto. There should always be a right to veto. When you take away someone’s POV then that’s a game move but also a sign of disrespect. I meant it when I essentially took Ali’s POV away from her when I was HOH that week Jee went home. Ali had won it in advance of my nominations, which many forget, and that’s why I nominated her with Jee. Everyone thought I’d nominate Robert and Jee but hell no. I gave her no choice but to use it on herself so I’d replace her with Robert.

I always have a lot of shit to say so I veto things often. Like I said, it can’t be easy being married to me. In marriage, your spouse should always have the right to veto.

There’s no need to mess with someone’s POV anyway if you trust them. If you don’t, then that marriage isn’t going to work out in the end. It’s a long-term passive-aggressive thing called love where nobody has to get hurt but it’s okay to fight with your partner. Sometimes you want to punch your partner in the face and reign them in to focus on the end-game but you can’t do that. You don’t do that to your partner, neither in Big Brother nor in marriage, you don’t. You signed a contract. You can think about it all you want and even blog about it but you can’t do it. You remain calm and focus on the bigger picture and you get back to keeping your marriage going, because Big Brother never stops going on around you.

Marriage is hard.

Some people say they could play Big Brother successfully when they’re not really cut out for it to begin with.

Marriage isn’t for everyone and that’s okay.

Always dishing,

Jun