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Wearing the Big Brother Microphone



Source: BBDish


The microphone packs worn in the Big Brother (U.S.) house, including the unit and the battery pack, is about the size of a pack of cigarettes. It’s heavy, as if said pack of cigarettes was filled with salt, or as heavy as an iPhone. And there’s an obnoxious antenna jutting out. Basically, wherever it is you have the mic attached to yourself, it drags that piece of clothing down an inch from the sheer weight of the batteries.

Then there’s the wire that runs from the unit which with a small clip microphone at the end. During live shows the female HGs have to get creative sometimes, hiding that ugly black wire under bra straps or armpits even. The rest of the days you don’t really care if your wire is showing, but for live shows everybody cares.

There are less instances you’re free of your microphone, than there are when you’re a slave to it. You can be sleeping or daydreaming or crying or peeing with your mic off, or detached all together, it doesn’t matter. If some HG jumps into your private space and starts talking to you, then you have to put your microphone on out of no fault of your own! When there’s conversation started between two there must be two microphones on. But then again If nobody wanted to talk to you, while you were sleeping or pooping or not, then that’s actually a bigger problem…

Your microphone becomes the bane of your existence. You must trade in your old batteries for fresh ones in the morning every morning you get to wake up in the Big Brother house. If you intentionally drown your microphone or otherwise damage anything belonging to CBS, including your microphone or other Houseguests, then you get kicked out and you have to pay for those damages…and face ridicule that turns later into TMZ infamy anyway. If you refuse to put on your microphone pack, then you can also be reprimanded and/or ejected from the house as well. Crazier things have happened and will never stop happening in the Big Brother house as long as the Chenbot still lives.

So basically, the microphone pack is just a symbol of your three months of reality television slavery for ratings. Houseguests are nothing but watered-down indentured servants to CBS. The viewers are vultures. Fascinating. Who would sign up for something like Big Brother? Lots of people, me or maybe your or someone you know.

Maybe it’s the allure of the money or the possibility of fame or love, or specifically seed money for illegal activities. I just wanted to win. The microphone pack was the least of my problems even though I hated it more than any Houseguest I lived with that summer. I hated that microphone more than The Mime. But I wore it faithfully until I left with my winning votes for $500,000.

But because I made my mic a part of my body that summer, and for weeks after the show ended and I was home, I had phantom mic pains.

I was back in my apartment in Manhattan fresh off my season, and far away from the Big Brother house, yet I constantly woke up in the mornings and felt around for my mic that wasn’t there. I was still adjusting to being out of the house, and free of my mic, yet I found myself constantly brushing my hair back behind my shoulders. The sound of hair brushing across the mic made production go nuts. I was guilty of this many times my season, and I did always apologize. It stayed with me for a long time after parting with my mic. Pavlov.

It’s just a microphone. I’m being so dramatic. Or am I? How much weight would a microphone have when your life was being documented under a microscope forever somewhere?

Always dishing,


Pray for Tilly


I’m sick with a cold and feeling a little high from all the cold meds I’ve been swallowing or spraying down my throat, and up my nose. Not to mention I drank until drunk last night, which I shouldn’t have done. So I feel like shit, but I know there’s someone out there feeling shittier than I am. I don’t always, because I’m so self-absorbed in my own drama and how to make it comical so I can tweet about it. On most days I get away with it.

I whine about my misery of body ache and stuffy nose. I’m prone to dramatics over my sore throat or slight fever, and overall feeling like shit. Then some days, like today, I’m hit in my face with a hammer to remind me that this stupid cold is fucking nothing compared to cancer. CANCER. It took my grandfather, and other people’s grandfathers and grandmothers, fathers and mothers and countless others. There are stories of what cancer has done and is doing to people all over the world, and sometimes some stories hit you harder than other stories. Somehow tragedy weighs differently on your mind depending on who is suffering, and it makes sense. We care more about people we’ve invested more into, personally.

Today in particular I found out that Big Brother alum Britney’s baby, Tilly, was diagnosed with cancer. It’s weird, because the relationships Big Brother alum have with each other are so varied and so different and so dysfunctional to varying degrees. I don’t know Britney except for what I got to see here and there on television or on live feeds. I’ve never met Britney, and I’ve only tweeted with her a few times. Good tweets and not faux I love you kind of bullshit. She likes certain BB alum I don’t like, and vice versa. In the past I took my share of digs at her, but she’s one of the rarities in the BB alum world who can roll with the punches outside the BB house.

Outside the BB house. That’s where all of us former Big Brother Houseguests lead our real lives. Some of us are more active in interacting with Big Brother fans, and some of us disappear back into our real lives and never look back at BB. Britney’s somewhere in between, and she’s shared with the public a very private part of her life:




I read this hours ago and felt a rush of emotion. I cursed myself silently for ever having complained about a stupid cold. I grabbed my little Noah up off the floor where he was playing, and I squeezed him against me with both of my arms wrapped around him. I wished I could do the same for Britney, but I know she’s got her husband for that and many loved ones too.

I still felt helpless I couldn’t do more. Then I saw a long-time Big Brother fan and good guy, Brendan Cooney, started a fundraiser going. Pray for Tilly on GoGetFunding.





I’ll be the last person to hold your hands and sing in harmony about how glorious the Big Brother family is. I’m admittedly very choosy on where I send my money, as we all should be. But I know Brendan will make sure that:


Like I said, I’m affected by Britney’s story because she and I have one degree of separation called Big Brother.

Whether the money raised goes directly to her, or to cancer research, it’s helping someone. If you can give, please do. Prayers and well wishes are wonderful and worthy of love and thanks. Giving a dollar or more if you can spare, can raise the odds in favor of research and healing.

It’s not all about me or you, or Britney, but it’s about saying fuck you to cancer by doing more than just feeling bad about it.

UPDATE as of Saturday, September 28, 2012: There is a website up and running, by Britney and her family. #TogetherForTilly, at http://togetherfortilly.com/

Always dishing,


Celebrity Big Brother: Women’s Dream Team


If you read my Celebrity Big Brother: Men’s Dream Team blog yesterday, then you know I’m listing my seven ladies today.

All seven female characters are NOT from television series I’ve already covered on my Men’s Dream Team. It was difficult, but here they are:


Eva Heissen

Eva Heissen (Honeybadger Prostitute and Madam of “Paradise”, Copper). She’s a new immigrant from Prussia who owns one of the top brothels, with a saloon mind you, in New York during the Civil War. You can stab her in the back with a real knife and she survives, so don’t think stabbing her in the back with a BB knife will faze her. Her poker face is stellar and her hate for hypocrites divine.




Michonne (Cold-Blooded Survivor and Possibly Lesbian, The Walking Dead). Michonne doesn’t get enough love in the zombie world, so she’s the only one who’d be coming into the house with an actual weapon. She’s proven she can stop and think before actually killing someone. Michonne is 100% the dark horse in this season of Celebrity Big Brother. Her Diary Room sessions will probably make all of us think she hates us all equally, but I think it will be therapeutic for her intense hate for people.




Olivia Pope (Crisis Manager Extraordinaire and White Housewrecker Mistress, Scandal). Olivia solves everyone else’s problems but her own, while looking way too good in all thing cream and cashmere and belted at the waist. I look forward most to seeing who she picks in the house as her team, and most of all who her “Huck” will be. Hopefully she doesn’t pine over Fitz too much while she’s in the house…her upper lip tremble is getting a little meh.




Sloan Sabbith (Financial Guru and Reporter for News Night and Possibly a Freaky Sex Goddess, The Newsroom). Sloan’s brain is so advanced in all things economics and risk analysis yet her personal life is always bankrupt, and her sex life is all about short-term investing. She’ll crunch numbers all day but this will be advantageous in challenges. Sloan’s social awkwardness may get her laid more than safe because she’s super hot.




Nancy Botwin (Perfectly Imperfect Mother and Widow and Drug Dealer, Weeds). If I ever get reincarnated I’d probably come back as Nancy. She’ll do whatever it takes to do what she thinks is right to win, but she’s often wrong so Live Feeds would be gold. Nancy’s got no filter and will go off on someone every day while chugging iced coffee and having sex with random people, including women, in the house.





Carmela Soprano (Supreme Real Housewife of New Jersey and very lucky to have worked with the late James Gandolfini. May he rest in peace, The Sopranos). Carmela will put all other moms ever to have played Big Brother to shame, and be the ultimate bully mom of the season. I have no doubt she will make sure the BB house is the cleanest it’s ever been since inception. Carmela will have to be careful she doesn’t get back-doored.




Sister Jude (Former Singing Nightclub Whore and Head Nun-in-Charge of Crazies, American Horror Story). Sister Jude will not think about consequences of her actions before she acts upon someone in house, and she’ll call everyone out drunk or not. She’s a mean drunk, but may belt out a “Judy! Judy judy bo budy, banana fanna fo fudy, fee fy mo mudy, Judy!” name song and make us fall in love with her all over again.

It goes without saying that if there ever was such a season I would host it, and not Julie Chen. There are many honorable mentions that I won’t mention because it will take away the integrity of the stellar teams I’ve put together. Dramatically, of course.

Always dishing,



Celebrity Big Brother: Men’s Dream Team


Today’s blog is inspired by a question I received last week about who I’d like to see play Big Brother, among my favorite characters from scripted shows. I’m choosing one male OR female from each television series I’m currently watching. I will not be choosing two characters from the same show.

I’ve realized through writing this blog that I watch a lot of television series.

Here’s what I’ve come up with for my pretend Celebrity Big Brother: Mens’ Dream Team:


CS 65 Friday 22nd October 2010

Tyrion Lannister (Badass and Brilliant Mind belonging to a powerful and fucked-up family, Game of Thrones). I have no doubt Tyrion would tear it up in the Diary Room, and use his height to his advantage in spying on the rest of the house. Being used to being disrespected and made fun of, Tyrion would find the BB house a cake-walk and welcome pity votes for being so little. Perhaps some of his deep-rooted guilt and mommy issues (his mother died in childbirth while delivering his deformed baby dwarf body) would resurface, and provide context with the ladies in the house.




Louis LItt (Bitter Lawyer and Senior Partner at Pearson Hardman, Suits). Louis would be one of the biggest floaters in Big Brother history and be willing to do dirty work to fit in with the HGs. His insecurities on display would be entertainment enough, but cat ladies would love him because of his love for the feline kind. Louis would break current Big Brother records in crying, and he’d need CBS to get him anxiety meds. CBS would gladly oblige.




Saul Goodman (Lovable Dirtbag Crooked Lawyer who dresses like a pimp, Breaking Bad). Saul’s nervous energy would deem him harmless, and he’d coast through half the season while others took each other out in the house. He’d never lift a finger to clean or cook the whole season, and his wardrobe choices might make our eyes bleed in the Diary Room. He’s resourceful and has no qualms about stabbing you in the back, and then taking the knife back to clean and re-use for another back because he’s too cheap to buy another knife.





Elam Ferguson (Freed Black Man and Father of a White Baby, Hell on Wheels). Elam wouldn’t give a fuck what kind of promises you make once you lied to him once because he’s a glass half-empty kinda guy. Instead of telling you your glass is half-empty he’d probably take your glass with what’s left in it. and drink your glass dry right in front of your face. He’s neither a romantic nor a dreamer, but he’s usually fair and economical with his words. His Diary Rooms may need some subtitles due to his rough slave English.




Micheletto Corella (Closeted and Intense Gay Warrior and Assassin for the papal family, The Borgias). Micheletto never showers but that’s the least of his problems, because his anger issues can always be worked out by stalking and eliminating his prey. His keen eye and intuition should make for killer strategy in the game of Big Brother. Enough with the flashy gays with teary eyes. We need a dark Micheletto-type of homosexual man whose tear ducts are sealed. 




Pornstache Mendez (Pervy Loser Correctional Officer and Comical Douchebag, Orange is The New Black). Pornstache would creep out all the girls and possible get kicked in the nuts on the first day of the season, which would become legendary. He’s corrupt an crooked and perfect for Big Brother, and will like give and receive sexual favors for votes. Pornstache will be honest about it all though, and it’ll be a refreshing change from what we’ve seen in recent HGs.




Mad Men (Season 5)

Roger Sterling (Man-Whore and Founding Partner at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and Mad Men). Having grown up in immense wealth Roger’s rarely into anything for the money, but more for the challenge of it all. He bores easy but he loves fucking minds as much as he likes fucking. Living in the BB house would be slumming it for Roger, but he’d love the chance to win BB and perhaps seduce a female HG..or two.

~ ~ ~

I know what you’re thinking.

– There’s a dwarf in the cast.

– There are some ugly guys.

– Everyone’s so old.

– I don’t know all these people.


Here’s my response:

– Yes. CBS will never give you a dwarf so I will.

– Yes. Like this current season of Big Brother.

– Yes. About time.

– Yes. But you should.


I’ll be sharing my Celebrity Big Brother Dream Team: Women soon!

Always dishing,


Not Quite Orwell’s Big Brother


Let’s just say for the sake of this blog we all agree that the reality show Big Brother is based around the novel by George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four, there’s also a Kindle version, where there’s controlled chaos and:

“…tyranny is headed by Big Brother…Big Brother and the Party justify their rule in the name of a supposed greater good. The protagonist of the novel, Winston Smith…is a diligent and skillful worker, but he secretly hates the Party and dreams of rebellion against Big Brother.”

This is according to Wikipedia, but anyone who’s read Orwell’s work will confirm that this is the premise. In the story, there’s a rigid social structure where 2% of the population rule as elitists. 13% of the population lived pretty well, compared to the remaining 85% of the lowest class population. In modern times, “We are the 85%” might work, but in Orwell’s work it doesn’t. There’s one dictator called “Big Brother,” and he controls everyone and everything.

“Big Brother is watching you.”

That was Orwell’s before it was John de Mol’s or Arnold Shapiro’s or Allison Grodner’s. Don’t know John de Mol, of Endemol? John’s short for Johannes Hendrikus Hubert, and he’s essentially the creator of the reality television series Big Brother. He first brought the show to air in The Netherlands, 50 years after Orwell published Nineteen Eighty-Four in 1949, in 1999. He’s had much success in other endeavors, and Johannes is a much cooler name than John but I understand…


In the novel, “Big Brother” was some probably made-up creepy dictator who ruled by brainwash and kept the 85% drowning in the social sewers.  In the movie, which was released in 1984 of course, Big Brother looked like a total creeper indeed. In the U.S. reality television show, “Big Brother” has the voice of Don Wollman we know that. Don’s voice has the perfect voice and understanding of the game for it. Big Brother’s body though I imagine is a combination of Allison Grodner and Rich Meehan and Les Moonves. I’d say the face of Moonves, the body and glasses of Meehan, and the curly hair of Grodner. Creepy.

In the novel, Big Brother ruled by using brainwashing propaganda and morbid oppression by mind control. In the reality show, Big Brother rules by taking away everything that defines each Houseguest, and putting them on watch 24 hours-a-day, for a chance at money.

One of the best parts of Nineteen Eighty-Four is that the ending is different for every reader. It can be argued whether it’s a happy ending or and ending of gloom. So where does the viewing audience of Big Brother come in? Even if we define which Houseguests are part of the elite and who else make up 13% and 85%, where does America factor in?

Who’s actually in charge here?

Always dishing,


Big Brother Alum


I’m thankful I was on Big Brother so many years ago, because I wouldn’t want to go on the show now. I don’t know if I could ever go back on the show again (Update: Here Goes Nothing). For a while I thought I would, given the right amount of compensation from CBS, but no. I wouldn’t put my friends and family through the hassle, and I don’t want to be remembered for going on the show anytime after this current season. Big Brother is becoming less and less CBS, and more MTV.

When they were casting for All-Stars in 2007 I was flown out to LA and I met with the gang at CBS again. I’d lost my dad to kidney failure in 2004, and my mother had tried to take her life as a result in 2005. I sat there with the producers and I answered their questions about what’s new and how does a second season of Big Brother sound to me. I felt like I was in a cave most of the interview, and I felt disconnected from reality. I was an emotional wreck since winning BB, but nobody knew it.

I answered all the producers’ questions but they knew my heart wasn’t in it. I’d already returned to work in banking since winning my season, and I’d also been running a little side business. I was focused on making money and running away from having to deal with death and depression in my family. Going back on Big Brother was not the right move for me. All-Stars happened without me, but I did judge a Food Competition that season with Marvin and Nicole. That was enough for me.


Since All-Stars I’ve stayed in touch with many people still on the Big Brother team, even after moving to Belgium and starting a family of my own. It’s their job to keep in touch with BB alum. CBS always has a way of tracking you down somehow even if the rest of us think you’ve gone MIA. It’s their job. For all those who think CBS doesn’t keep tabs on BB alum to use them if ever there comes a time, for anything, you’re wrong. They do. It’s their job, even for dinosaurs like me. Dinosaurs can be coaches too.

Their jobs must be getting harder in recent seasons with all the death threats and FBI-calling. I’m thankful my season was so long ago when less was at our vicious fingertips. I remember my cousin Miran, who was barely a teenager, had watched my season from home and ventured online to a Big Brother forum. In the forum I was being torn apart by rabid fans who hated me, and naive little Miran attempted to defend me. Quite innocently Miran thought that letting internet trolls know that she was related to me, and that she could vouch for me, would help support me.


Miran was chased off the forum crying, and traumatized. Growing up in a sheltered suburb of Delaware, Miran had never been accused of being “probably a lesbian who eats Jun’s pussy” or the like. I felt horrible. I still feel bad, but it’s funny to us now. That really was mild compared to 10 years later, today.

The internet is a wondrous place, but it’s also a clogged drain of anonymous hate to an extreme degree when it comes to Big Brother. It’s the reason I stopped watching Big Brother 15 and I know I did the right thing because my summer’s been peaceful. This is the first summer in years that I haven’t had my life threatened, or my family threatened, and my distancing myself from Big Brother has been better all-around.

I say I’d never go back on the show because nowadays some fans take it so far that people losing their livelihoods is not enough. Threats of rape and torture and death, and harassment of all kinds and outlets, has become the norm in recent Big Brother seasons. No amount of money or thirst for fame could ever make me get close to any of that, even if I know I’d win if I ever got back in the Big Brother house. I know I would, but it wouldn’t be worth my family having to have to go into hiding for months for their own sake.

It’s not easy to turn off the hate when it’s coming at you consistently in the public. Ignoring it is harder than you’d think, even though it’s the easiest thing to say. Some Big Brother alum choose to stick around and interact with fans while others drop their Big Brother experience and return to life. Some do both, and some do it better than others and for different reasons. The more you’re in the public eye, the more everything.

There’s a lot wrong with people who go into the Big Brother house, but they’re exponentially outnumbered by the lots going wrong with fans outside the Big Brother house. Fan rage escalates every year. How far can it go?

Always dishing,


Lost Gia


I wasn’t planning to write today, because my family of three is currently fighting a stomach virus and I’ve been complaining about it all day on Twitter. I stopped complaining, about everything, when I saw tweets about the death of Gia Allemand. Superficially, I had a huge girl-crush on Gia from afar and I found her so naturally beautiful when she on the television screen that season of The Bachelor.

Because of the reality television part of my life, I saw Gia pop up in photos at reality t.v. animal fundraisers more recently. I started to believe she was beautiful on the inside too. It’s nearly midnight here in Belgium and I was ready for sleep but I caught news that Gia’s death was a suicide. Suicide?

I couldn’t go to sleep. I can’t sleep.


It’s not because Gia is a celebrity that a loss like this is so big, but it is a public loss. It’s big when any life is lost, and lost to suicide. It happens, but it just doesn’t always make the news. I don’t know the level of pain you have to feel to have take to take matters into your own hands, and attempt to end your life…

I don’t.

I didn’t ever think that someone I loved would try to take their own life, but it happened. My mother. She failed. She’s still here today and life is more precious because of it, but we never ever talk about it.

Gia, well Gia is gone. Life support and loved ones around her couldn’t bring her back. I did not expect to learn her death was a suicide, but I’m reminded again that it’s always shocking. That’s what suicide is.

I realize I’m dehydrated and slightly feverish so I’m very emotional, but I’m incredibly sad for everyone Gia touched in her life. I only wish strength and more strength for those closest to Gia, because grief comes in different waves. We say suicide is selfish, but so is everyone around us. These stories are far too common in what seems like a slow spin out of control.

Please remind someone today of how much you love them, today.

Rest in peace Gia.

Always dishing,


Entering the Big Brother House


I sat in a trailer parked on the lot at Studio City before I actually entered the “set” of the Big Brother house, my season. I remember sitting in the small but clean space of the trailer and staring at the mirror incessantly, and drinking a LOT of water. I took deep breaths knowing I was about to give up my freedom for a chance at half-a-million dollars. Before I was mic’d up to go in, Robyn Kass knocked on my door and came in to the trailer. We hugged and she got me hyped up all over again that I was about to finish what I started during the casting process. Robyn and I took a photo together, which we still each have a copy of and sincerely cherish, and then she was off. I figured she was doing the same thing with every HG and I wondered who I’d be sharing the BB house with.

I had no idea at the time that it would be with my ex-boyfriend Jee….

A few minutes later it was show time, and I was herded onto the set…to the “faux” exterior of the BB house, where I stood for this photo…

We stood for this photo…



We were instructed not to make eye contact or talk to each other while posing, which was incredibly awkward. Facing in front of us were bright lights and cameras and microphones, and lots of producers. Organized chaos.

I didn’t know their names yet, but I recognized Jack and Nathan from my week at finals casting in LA. Finalists were always broken up into groups by sex, and the groups traveled in packs for meals and gym time, etc., under supervision of a “handler.” I knew Jack and Nathan had been in the same group because I’d seen them marching by single file quite a few times when my group of five ladies were lounging by the pool or eating lunch, etc… Nathan seemed cold but Jack seemed very warm, and from behind my sunglasses I watched them walk around the hotel.

We were never ever allowed to talk to each other or even make eye contact with any of the other finalists, whether they were in your group or not, but it’s not like I was going to gouge my eyes out if I happened to turn my head and see someone.

I remembered Scott too because even at finals in the dry LA heat, he wore his knit hats. It was always odd seeing “the skinny dude” before I knew his name, sitting on the terrace in the blazing sun with a wool or whatever mini-cardigan he wore as a hat. So when I saw Scott on the steps of the house with me, about to enter the house, I laughed inside because I knew the hats would make me crazy. I’d also remembered and liked Dana right away when I accidentally met eyes with her once during finals. I say accidentally because some dude talking loudly on his brand-new bluetooth ear thing was sitting by us, and Dana and I happened to look up when the douchebag was shouting.

Both Dana and i looked sharply away. All the finalists were watched by hawks with different sets of eyes at all times, and we were warned we would go home if we were caught violating the rules of the casting process. I was all about following the rules. Of course I’m dramatic but it did all feel like a mini-drama to me, and I hated having to deliberately avoid four other grown women who were vying for my key into the Big Brother house in the final rounds..

My douchebag story has a point because bluetooth guy was sitting between me and Dana, and there were plenty of other “regular” hotel guests there with the BB crew. Most people were there with their kids to check out Universal City just a walk away, or film whatever local porn they were on location for…whatever. It’s not like CBS shut down the Sheraton for BB finals casting, so it really was odd sharing the elevator with people who had no idea there was anything going on.

So Dana and I shared a douchebag experience and without words it created a bond between us, and then when we learned we were both from New York it was an instant connection. It wasn’t our fault how we’d been seated at breakfast during finals. So as Julie told us to check each other out I looked most forward to meeting Jack and Dana.

Erika just rubbed me the wrong way immediately and I can only chalk it up to mismatched menstrual moon cycles, but of course I envied her emaciated tummy. She never ate much from what I saw at the hotel…I also hated her for her perfect but so fake breasts. I was so judgmental, and I still am. I’m working on it.

I thought Alison was so cute but vanilla, and I loved her short short skirt even though Dana thought it was too short. I didn’t sense at all the menacing terror Ali would turn out be, on that first day. She fooled me. David was attractive but very hard to read standing there on the steps but he was a joker, unlike Nathan who turned out to be as slow as I thought his eyes looked…in those first minutes standing around awkwardly.

The vibes from Scott and Erika threatened me most that day. My gut said no to Scott and Erika, but there I was about to enter the house…as a fan of the show who applied the old fashioned way I was ready.

I knew there had to be more than eight people in the house, but I decided to worry about that later and focus on the very seven people Julie Chen just told me to “take a good look around at.”

In my mind the start of the season right then was nothing and everything I thought it would be, and in the moment you’re waiting for Julie Chen to address you for the first time it’s…magic and rainbows and Ashley’s dreamboard unicorns. You can’t see Chenbot but you can hear her Chenbot voice. Then you’re jarred back to the reality that holy shit the game’s already started and the battery pack on the microphone felt damn heavy clipped to the back of my skirt. I’d shoved the pack between my skin and skirt, so my skirt felt extra tight and I felt like a sausage.

No matter how much you’re prepared for Big Brother, everything flies out the window when you get there and it’s up to you to close the damn window. You realize you have to be locked up with most probably and certifiably crazy people around you, and you have to watch your back because everyone wants your $500,000. Plus, you have to pee and poop on film.

Even at my coolest and most relaxed state I usually have a dozen things running through my head, but when I was standing on those steps my mind and heart were racing. No joke. So what do you do?

I chose to listen closely to the instructions I was given by production and hoped I wouldn’t be the first HG to faint on those stupid fake steps.

So as the first eight of us HGs stood on the stairs leading to the BB4 house, not knowing each other’s names, I felt like I was high. I wondered if they were thinking what I was thinking. Where were the rest of us?! Why only eight?

I’d looked around trying to get a read from Robyn or Kate or Shawn’s faces, anyone from production, but they gave me nothing. Little did I know they were trying not to laugh in our faces as they anticipated drama to the highest degree, because the remaining five HGs yet to arrive were ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends of most of us standing on those steps.

I don’t blame CBS for putting my messy break-up on blast, and making me share a house with Jee. It was a game-changer and better than any twist we’e seen in recent seasons because the producers just let things play out more, but maintained humane conditions.

~ ~ ~

I’m getting asked often now about the fact that I’m the only non-white HG to ever have won Big Brother…but 10 years ago standing on those steps it didn’t matter to me what color my fellow HGs were at the end of the day because the only color that mattered to me was green, in the form of a cash prize at the end. I wasn’t poor in 2003 by any means, but I was greedy and pretty ruthless and I wanted to win. The money was great, but I wanted to win.


End of Entering the Big Brother House.

Always dishing,



Dear Julie Chen


Dear Julie Chen:

I know you remember me though you’ll never acknowledge me, but I do have some words for you. Woman-to-Woman. I never liked you, and I judged you before I even met you in 2003, because of your very public affair with the President and CEO of CBS Les Moonves before he was ever divorced. Your sleeping with a married man with children in the public eye was unacceptable to me then, and it’s unacceptable to me now.

Your multiple reconstructions to your facial structure to lose your naturally Chinese features sent a message to me and other Asian women at the time, that looking more “white” is how you got ahead in life. Your drastic plastic surgeries were unacceptable to me then, but now I understand more the pressures you must have been under at the time your career needed a boost. You must have faced worse racism than anything any of these Big Brother Houseguests could throw at you or me, because I know that in a white corporate conglomerate being Asian sets you apart. Racism is closeted and hidden to the highest degree, and I don’t want to judge you anymore for what you felt you had to do to fit in to be a cookie-cutter journalist…and apple of the Moonves eye.

I remember that you were sent to Kuwait and you bombed. You did. You went over there expecting your usual bottled water, and wearing pretty sweater sets like you were about to have brunch, and not expecting sand storms all up on your lip-glossed mouth. You were only there because of your relationship with Les Moonves, but I followed you, and researched you because there aren’t many Asian women in media with the kind of klout that you have…that you can have. In a field dominated by white women, you simply were one of the few Asian could-be trailblazers.

I’ve always been harsh on you from the beginning, and everybody in the Big Brother 4 house and production knew it the season I won. I was aware of my acts when I talked badly about you during live shows when we went to commercial. I was obnoxious and rude, and took advantage of the fact that you might be able to hear me from the studio on those days as I cracked jokes about you. I remember I was asked to “take it easy” but I wouldn’t. I had so much respect for everyone on the Big Brother 4 team but I had no respect for you. I am sorry that I was such a hostile bitch then. Our exchanges were awkward at best after I’d won, and I know it was because of me. Deliberately.

When I came back with Jack in 2006 to write on the “Revenge of the Houseguests” blog on the CBS website, I was being myself then just like I am now. It didn’t go over very well with many fans online, but it did with others and I found a sample of it on Jokers. My point in this is that I also poked fun at you too…the same things I still poke fun at you about now…your hair and clothes and makeup and superficial things. You were and still are a part of the show, and you are fair game.

So a few weeks into the blog your assistant called me. She asked me if I could stop mentioning you in the Revenge of the Houseguests blog posts and I told her no. There was nothing in the contract I’d signed saying you were off limits. I didn’t care. They were just jokes about you being Chenbot.

Fast forward many many years and you are a mother. I am a mother. You are a wife. I am a wife. You are an Asian voice. I am one too, but yours is bigger. You have a child of mixed heritage as do I. I admire how you protect your son and I strive to protect my Noah too. Actively. I know it’s not easy.

I am not watching anymore. You have to host it.

Talking about “hot” topics on “The Talk” to promote Big Brother 15 is one thing and I understand the need for ratings and Poppy sightings, but Julie…can you walk the walk in addition to the talkity-talk and do something more? Please? I know you’re “normal” off-camera but I don’t care if you do something on or off any camera.

I don’t like how you got to where you got, but I recognize the impact you could have if you didn’t just “sit by and watch like the rest of us.”  We’ve seen where that’s led in history. Have ratings trumped human damage?

Represent yourself and nobody else for a moment and draw the line somewhere? Les can’t because he doesn’t have to, but you still can. If he loves you and you love him there’s nothing you can’t do, right?


Facetiously signed,

Jun Song





In the 13 hours that yesterday’s blog Big Brother Hiatus was “live” on my site, where I basically break up with Big Brother 15, it was read 15,244 times.




That’s the most views I’ve had for one article on my site in one day, let alone 11 hours. Thank you all.

It’s nothing compared to the number of actual Big Brother 15 viewers. I’m just one person, and I wrote the blog because I can’t just stop watching the show mid-summer and not blog about it. I’d be asked about “why” countless times a day for days on end on Twitter and Facebook, and really I never pass up an opportunity for a dramatic farewell of any kind.

I don’t want Big Brother canceled or dropped like some fetus brains accuse me of, but I wish CBS wouldn’t be so transparent in their cowardice of “not condoning” but very much condoning half the sick behaviors this season.

Since posting my blog in dramatic farewell to Big Brother 15, I’ve heard from fans across the spectrum. I’ve heard it all, or just about, including demands that I return my Big Brother 4 winnings and that I’m pretentious and holier-than-ye. Ye is the plural of thou, right?

I’m not trying to rally others to boycott anything, and I’m not on any kind of witch hunt. I think it’s extreme that family and livelihoods of the current HGs have been threatened and compromised. Fans can be just as bad as any HG, and fans have the means and the freedom to do more damage while the show is going on. It’s a sign of the times good or bad.

Some fans have contacted me in asking for more action to be taken to get the attention of Les Moonves and CBS, however technically HGs are not “employees” of any kind as it is clearly stated in their contracts so there is no legal argument to be made there. It’s not like the “leaders” at CBS don’t know what’s going on, and they don’t have to care until they start losing money which hasn’t happened and won’t happen anytime soon.

My “Dear Big Brother 15” letter was read only 15,244 times yesterday and as the posting of this blog today 4,000 or so more times. So with approximately 20,000 views in the last 24 hours, and only 350 of those readers sharing the blog on various social media platforms… How likely is any of it to effect change?

As a realist I don’t know what a letter to “Mr. Chen” or CBS will do, especially when the numbers aren’t adding up. As I said in an earlier blog you either hit CBS where it hurts most or you stop watching, or keep watching. It’s everyone’s personal decision, and CBS isn’t shoving anything down our throats that the public isn’t asking for.

As we all have seen, CBS has put its disclaimer out and is protected. A letter or petition of a few thousand names will never get to anyone’s desk of worth at CBS, and the millions of television viewers who don’t follow the live feeds will never truly know “what the big deal is” about the big deal this summer. Big Brother isn’t going anywhere as CBS’s summer money-maker.

I’m okay with that, but only because I’ve turned my back to it. Sadly, but surely.

Always dishing,