I’ve been a horrid bitch these last 12 hours, fighting with my husband Davy, so this will be a fun catch-up blog on The Bachelor. What exactly I caught up on was two episodes back-to-back of four Hometown Dates and three Fantasy Suite days and nights and mornings-after. It’s like catching up with a girlfriend and hearing about her yeast infection that lasted two days.
Thankfully, Renee got cut before the Fantasy Suite shit so that she and her son Ben and her family can now watch the show breathing a sigh of relief. The Renee clan is so quiet and so sweet, and Renee’s mom was a Seinfeld-esque riot. Juan Pablo got to see what his life would be like with Renee and it made him dry heave at the thought that he wouldn’t be the only athlete in the family, as Ben proved to be a little league star. And Renee glowed on my screen as she was back in her element on the breezy beach and town she calls home, and her Hometown Date proved to me that she and Ben are way too good for Juan Pablo.
As for the three who did make it to the Fantasy Suite portion:
Nikki’s mom is, SURPRISE, her best friend which we hear never on this show. Right. I’m not against calling your mom your best friend but I don’t do it. Maybe I’m weird. My best friend is my best friend and my mom is my mom. Clearly I’m nitpicking because that’s what Nikki brings out in me for some reason. But I’m also in bitch mode.
Nikki’s parents’ dining room makes mine look like a McDonalds PlayPlace in comparison. Their house is massive and money and so are Juan Pablo’s hand gestures while talking to Nikki’s dad.
You could have laid some gospel music over the whole segment and thought Juan Pablo was at some church revival doing body worship about Jesus ascending into heaven on that fateful Easter Sunday. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then I envy you.
All jokes aside though Nikki’s family seemed like the nicest and most well-mannered family in a non-creepy way. I can’t fault them for a thing for being perfect hosts.
Then we get to Pookie’s Hometown Date, and my respect meter falls another notch for Andi and rises a notch for her family.
Andi’s a hot mess and so caught up with what everyone else but herself thinks about Juan Pablo. She says verbatim that she wants reassurance. I get it. We all want reassurance because nobody’s immune to insecurities, but Andi has to man the fuck up and own her decisions. It’s so ironic yet textbook how she’s a ball-buster at work and Pookie everywhere else.
Andi’s disappointing, but her dad Hy is the highlight of the season for me.
Hy makes it so obvious that he sees Juan Pablo for what he is, that it scares the shit out of Juan Pablo sitting there in Andi’s parents’ living room. Juan Pablo literally sat there like he’d literally shit his pants and he was waiting for someone to smell it or something.
Hy is hella scary.
Also very scary was Laura, Clare’s sister, who is probably an avid Shades reader.
I thought Laura was going to put Clare in a headlock and I prepared to pee myself. This whole segment was a stark contrast to just a few hours before when Clare and Juan Pablo first reunited and Clare eye-fucked the shit out of him while talking about her deceased father. She’s so odd in her timing and delivery, and even when she’s doing confessionals it feels like she’s eye-fucking me, the viewer too. I’m not complaining, but merely making an observation.
Long never-ending story short, Clare is the best-looking of all the sisters and her mom is way too cool to be her mom. I really liked Clare’s mom. And I predict Clare and Chis Harrison will be announcing their engagement soon. Huh? Yeah.
By the way, did anyone else get a short clip of flamingos in between commercial breaks at this point in the episode? I did.
It was so jarring.
I don’t know where the flamingos came from! And then at some point there was a sneak-peak movie trailer (starring Aaron Paul of Breaking Bad fame) that Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo had to shoot together, and that too was jarring. Chris Harrison’s made his views on Juan Pablo public, and it explains a lot of his absence on the show. He probably pulled a Big Brother Julie Chen move and refused to spend any more time with Juan Pablo than he had to, yet they still had to do this together:
Flamingos and awkwardness, and fast forward to Andi basically having a tantrum meltdown and leaving the show. But first…
Clare’s first-up for Fantasy Suite time and she tells Juan Pablo that she wants to meet Carla. Clare and Carla. It didn’t hit me until I actually typed it out, how eerily similar their names are. Carla and Clare.
Then comes Andi and she’s pissed off the morning after Fantasy Suites. You can tell she’s angry because ABC told her to walk towards the camera angrily, and she was taking these big angry steps that made her look like she was limping or something. I thought at first that Juan Pablo had stuck something up her butt without any lube in the Fantasy Suite, but then I realized she wasn’t injured.
So why was she so angered?
Because she finally realized what we’ve been screaming at our screens for weeks now. Andi takes it a step further though after her closing statements and prosecution of Juan Pablo on national television…she attempts to rehabilitate him by nagging at him for not taking her feelings into consideration.
Juan Pablo tell us, “She’s a lawyer. I’m not gonna argue with a lawyer.”
I hate to say it but he’s right. He even accuses her of perjury before the court of Bachelor fans, when the word DEFAULT comes up. She said, he said…
She said he called her a default pick. DEFAULT!
He said that Andi put that word in his mouth and it is not his word. DEFAULT!
Andi shouts this word about 23 times like she’s in court. She wants him to make up for all the men in her life who’ve never listened to her and for all the men in the world who don’t listen to women nag, basically.
Ugh. Just stop it Andi. You don’t really want a guy who “loves you more than he loves himself” because you have to love yourself first and foremost. In theory, yes, you want a guy to love you a lot but don’t put yourself on a fantasy pedestal.
Meanwhile Nikki’s Fantasy Suite stuff was everything she wanted it to be and she did tell Juan Pablo she loved him blah blah blah, and she enjoyed her night with Juan Pablo so much she never wanted it to end blah blah blah.
Nikki and Clare are left by DEFAULT since Andi left.
Next week is the reunion show and I actually can’t wait to watch it so I can misplace all my stress and anger on the returning bachelorettes.
This will all be over soon…
This will all be over soon…
This will all be over soon…