Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

Home » Archive by category "Reality TV Dishes" (Page 2)

Hunts Point

MomzDad

My dad always worked with his hands. He never worked a day sitting behind a desk when he was living in America. That’s what he always wanted for me, to be a part of the corporate workforce, but he was always a laborer.

He and my mother owned a stereotypical fruit and vegetable store, and then later sold the family business so my mother could stay home with me aka spy on me over-protectively. My dad was quickly hired in the wholesale industry at Hunts Point Market in the Bronx where he was a foreman. He was then the only Korean foreman in a world where older generations of Italian and Jewish men ranked highest, and owned the terminals their family names were branded on. My dad had balls of steel and he never let English being his second language stop him from anything, least of all becoming a Teamster.

He learned Spanish too while adjusting to immigrant life in Lower Manhattan, and when he switched from being a business owner to being someone’s employee, it was a shift for our entire family. The trucks coming in to the NYC Produce Terminal Market in Hunts Point mostly came in at night, when most of the city was trying to sleep in a city that never did.

So my dad reversed his biological clock and switched to nights. My mother bore the brunt, no longer having him to share a bed with at night. After my dad got home from work in the mornings, he’d shower and eat breakfast with my brother Danny and my mom and me. He’d sleep while Danny and I were at school. I guess that’s when my parents got their sex in too, because I never once in my life heard them having actual sex when I was ever home. Danny will confirm the same.

I did find my parents’ stash of porn at some point and I knew they did that stuff together, because I asked my momz as an adult, but I never actually heard my parents having sex growing up. I count it as a blessing.

And by the time my brother and I got home from school, my dad was out of hibernation and an active part of our afternoon and early evening. On days Danny and I were home for whatever reason, we had to play quietly in the living room so my dad could get in his sleep. I didn’t mind at all because it meant I couldn’t practice piano, and my mother nagged at me constantly to practice. Danny and I were always quiet.

Then my dad would get up and take us somewhere or watch a movie with us, and we’d eat dinner all of us together in the evening before my dad left for work all over again. He and my mother always kissed goodbye right in front of me and my brother, right smack on the lips really loud, and there was never one day they didn’t. I loved watching them kiss. I couldn’t wait to grow up one day and kiss my husband every day when he was off to work.

I try to emulate my mother in that way but I come up short many times. There are days my husband Davy leaves for work and I don’t kiss him goodbye because we’re fighting. I respect so much how my parents kept it together every time.

I wish my dad was still around today, for my mother.

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother Canada 2: A Very Young Cast

Unknown

Hello Canada! I realize it’s not just Canadians reading but I’m gonna congratulate you guys on your 25 medals at this Winter Olympics. And now onto Big Brother Canada…

Last year around this time I said “I don’t even know if I’ll have the time to watch any of the first ever Big Brother Canada season premiering Wednesday, February 27th.”

This year I didn’t even realize that the second season of Big Brother Canada even revealed its cast. My brain has reached capacity and I’m late for the party. But I brought favors.

Remember these from last year?

Age

MostLikeable MostLikelyToGetInAFightMostLikelyToShowmanceMostLikelyToWinAfter checking out stuff on Slice and watching a few of the videos (Arisa Cox is still so much cooler than Chenbot)

I’ve done a set for this season and they look like this:

BBCAN2Age

Rachelle is the youngest at 20 and Paul is the oldest at 43. He’s then followed by Sarah at the ripe age of 32, and then Ika who’s 29, and the rest of the crew? In their very early to mid-late 20s. It’s a very young house.

BBCAN2MostLikeable

I listed Paul least likable because I think he’s gonna motivationally speak his way out of the house. Kyle, at 24-looking-34, may prove me wrong and be more likable, but not likely since he has the The Bachelor Juan Pablo-vibe going on. He fancies himself a catch. I feel like I was pretty accurate with my Most Likeable picks last year. This is based on nothing but first impressions judgements on paper and film. Everybody calm down.

BBCAN2FightI listed Adel least likely to get into a fight only because he prays five times a day and he also likes to go by:

1. “Inventor of the tongue-mounted toothbrush” – I can’t imagine what would be so important that you can’t brush your teeth with your own hands, unless you’re masturbating and shaving at the same time.

2. “The People’s People” – Someone please explain the plural stuff going on…

3. “The People’s Champ” – These are also the three words he used to describe himself in his bio. So he is not only The People’s Champ, but he describes himself as “The” and “People’s” and “Champ.” Like, imagine me going to a job interview and saying, “I’m Jun and I’m The!”

4. “HOH Supremacist of Big Brother Canada” – I don’t even want to touch this one.

5. “Muslim and Ambassador of Islam” – I will leave this one alone too. It’s altogether too many titles for me to deal with before enough coffee, which I’ve not had yet.

Also, I keep picturing a big blonde woman singing every time I picture Adel. Does anyone else’s brain do this?

 

BBACN2Showmance

The Jillian and Emmett showmance was one of the best things to come out of the first season of Big Brother Canada. Andrew is my pick to showmance right away, because it’s what it sounds like he does in real life anyway. Rachelle is hot enough to get ass whenever she wants in real life, so I think she’ll play in the house. And Lord knows Sabrina’s hilarious and makes it clear she’ll fall into someone’s lap with no panties on because she’s looking to showmance yesterday.

BBCAN2MostLikelyToWinI think this is really a manifestation of who i’d like to go in what order because I don’t care who wins. If I’ve failed to mention anyone in this blog, which are many, it wasn’t intentional but maybe telling. Besides, none of these Canadians named me as their Big Brother idol and that’s just disappointing. Canada. I’d totally bring this up if there was ever a roast, and Julie Chen was my Roastmaster…

~

“Nobody on Big Brother Canada 2 named you as their Big Brother idol, Jun.”

~

Always dishing,

Jun

 

The Bachelor: This Will All Be Over Soon

Hy

I’ve been a horrid bitch these last 12 hours, fighting with my husband Davy, so this will be a fun catch-up blog on The Bachelor. What exactly I caught up on was two episodes back-to-back of four Hometown Dates and three Fantasy Suite days and nights and mornings-after. It’s like catching up with a girlfriend and hearing about her yeast infection that lasted two days.

Thankfully, Renee got cut before the Fantasy Suite shit so that she and her son Ben and her family can now watch the show breathing a sigh of relief. The Renee clan is so quiet and so sweet, and Renee’s mom was a Seinfeld-esque riot. Juan Pablo got to see what his life would be like with Renee and it made him dry heave at the thought that he wouldn’t be the only athlete in the family, as Ben proved to be a little league star. And Renee glowed on my screen as she was back in her element on the breezy beach and town she calls home, and her Hometown Date proved to me that she and Ben are way too good for Juan Pablo.

As for the three who did make it to the Fantasy Suite portion:

ThreeLadies

Nikki’s mom is, SURPRISE, her best friend which we hear never on this show. Right. I’m not against calling your mom your best friend but I don’t do it. Maybe I’m weird. My best friend is my best friend and my mom is my mom. Clearly I’m nitpicking because that’s what Nikki brings out in me for some reason. But I’m also in bitch mode.

Nikki’s parents’ dining room makes mine look like a McDonalds PlayPlace in comparison. Their house is massive and money and so are Juan Pablo’s hand gestures while talking to Nikki’s dad.

JuanPabloHands

You could have laid some gospel music over the whole segment and thought Juan Pablo was at some church revival doing body worship about Jesus ascending into heaven on that fateful Easter Sunday. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then I envy you.

All jokes aside though Nikki’s family seemed like the nicest and most well-mannered family in a non-creepy way. I can’t fault them for a thing for being perfect hosts.

Then we get to Pookie’s Hometown Date, and my respect meter falls another notch for Andi and rises a notch for her family.

Pookie

Andi’s a hot mess and so caught up with what everyone else but herself thinks about Juan Pablo. She says verbatim that she wants reassurance. I get it. We all want reassurance because nobody’s immune to insecurities, but Andi has to man the fuck up and own her decisions. It’s so ironic yet textbook how she’s a ball-buster at work and Pookie everywhere else.

Andi’s disappointing, but her dad Hy is the highlight of the season for me.

Hy

Hy makes it so obvious that he sees Juan Pablo for what he is, that it scares the shit out of Juan Pablo sitting there in Andi’s parents’ living room. Juan Pablo literally sat there like he’d literally shit his pants and he was waiting for someone to smell it or something.

Hy is hella scary.

Also very scary was Laura, Clare’s sister, who is probably an avid Shades reader.

Laura

I thought Laura was going to put Clare in a headlock and I prepared to pee myself. This whole segment was a stark contrast to just a few hours before when Clare and Juan Pablo first reunited and Clare eye-fucked the shit out of him while talking about her deceased father. She’s so odd in her timing and delivery, and even when she’s doing confessionals it feels like she’s eye-fucking me, the viewer too. I’m not complaining, but merely making an observation.

Long never-ending story short, Clare is the best-looking of all the sisters and her mom is way too cool to be her mom. I really liked Clare’s mom. And I predict Clare and Chis Harrison will be announcing their engagement soon. Huh? Yeah.

By the way, did anyone else get a short clip of flamingos in between commercial breaks at this point in the episode? I did.

Flamingos

It was so jarring.

I don’t know where the flamingos came from! And then at some point there was a sneak-peak movie trailer (starring Aaron Paul of Breaking Bad fame) that Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo had to shoot together, and that too was jarring. Chris Harrison’s made his views on Juan Pablo public, and it explains a lot of his absence on the show. He probably pulled a Big Brother Julie Chen move and refused to spend any more time with Juan Pablo than he had to, yet they still had to do this together:

Duo

Flamingos and awkwardness, and fast forward to Andi basically having a tantrum meltdown and leaving the show. But first…

Clare’s first-up for Fantasy Suite time and she tells Juan Pablo that she wants to meet Carla. Clare and Carla. It didn’t hit me until I actually typed it out,  how eerily similar their names are. Carla and Clare.

Then comes Andi and she’s pissed off the morning after Fantasy Suites. You can tell she’s angry because ABC told her to walk towards the camera angrily, and she was taking these big angry steps that made her look like she was limping or something. I thought at first that Juan Pablo had stuck something up her butt without any lube in the Fantasy Suite, but then I realized she wasn’t injured.

So why was she so angered?

Because she finally realized what we’ve been screaming at our screens for weeks now. Andi takes it a step further though after her closing statements and prosecution of Juan Pablo on national television…she attempts to rehabilitate him by nagging at him for not taking her feelings into consideration.

Juan Pablo tell us, “She’s a lawyer. I’m not gonna argue with a lawyer.”

I hate to say it but he’s right. He even accuses her of perjury before the court of Bachelor fans, when the word DEFAULT comes up. She said, he said…

She said he called her a default pick. DEFAULT!

He said that Andi put that word in his mouth and it is not his word. DEFAULT!

Andi shouts this word about 23 times like she’s in court. She wants him to make up for all the men in her life who’ve never listened to her and for all the men in the world who don’t listen to women nag, basically.

Ugh. Just stop it Andi. You don’t really want a guy who “loves you more than he loves himself” because you have to love yourself first and foremost. In theory, yes, you want a guy to love you a lot but don’t put yourself on a fantasy pedestal.

Meanwhile Nikki’s Fantasy Suite stuff was everything she wanted it to be and she did tell Juan Pablo she loved him blah blah blah, and she enjoyed her night with Juan Pablo so much she never wanted it to end blah blah blah.

Nikki and Clare are left by DEFAULT since Andi left.

Next week is the reunion show and I actually can’t wait to watch it so I can misplace all my stress and anger on the returning bachelorettes.

This will all be over soon…

This will all be over soon…

This will all be over soon…

Always dishing,

Jun

Juan Pablo’s Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries!

Wall

Juan Pablo refers to Chris Harrison as Mr. Chris, which sounded more like “Meester Crease,” but that was pretty much the best part of the entire episode. It actually happens in the last ten minutes so everything before that is just lost time, and I’m sad I’ll never get back. Two ladies go home this week…

Chelsie, probably because she’s the most sincere vagina Juan Pablo’s ever stumbled upon and that bores him…and Sharleen the opera singer. But Sharleen bounces way before the Rose Ceremony ever happens. She actually delivers on her promise to leave! It’s the only thing that’s made sense this whole season, and thank the ABC gods because I cannot watch her kiss anymore. Can we even call it that? She kisses like she’s licking Willy Wonka’s walls.

Wall

“The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!”

Seriously.

Which leaves us with the four incredibly unlucky ladies who get hometown visits by Juan Pablo…

Hometowns

Andi: She cries to Juan Pablo on the group date and pretty much seals her fate as the most insecure assistant district attorney in the history of reality television. But her neediness makes Juan Pablo’s balls tingle, and it’s rewarded with the Group Date Rose. As a bonus, Andi gets to go dancing with Juan Pablo. She. Can’t. Dance. This should be a deal-breaker and result in the confiscation of her rose, but Juan Pablo’s just happy to have Andi’s breasts rubbing up all over him. So the dates ends well after all.

Clare: She’s started twitching and jerking her face a lot more this episode, like she’s running out of batteries or sanity. Or maybe her teeth are growing. Whatevs. She reminds us and Juan Pablo about her dead dad’s wishes for her to find the right husband, etc., though it seems Juan Pablo’s more interested in going to Clare’s hometown to meet her five potentially-just-as-hot-as-her sisters. I watched the previews though and I’m thinking Clare got all the good genes.

Nikki: The producers clearly hate Nikki because they give her zero warning about the the fact that she’s about to meet Juan Pablo’s parents and baby mama plus baby. So Nikki’s not only underdressed but also overwhelmed come time to meet little Camila at her dance recital. You can tell when Nikki’s nervous because her roots get darker, and her forehead gets greasier than usual. It’s too bad she didn’t have her hospital scrubs on because she could have wipe down her shiny forehead, and also given out lollipops at Camila’s recital.

Renee: Barely got any air time until the Rose Ceremony where she shows up looking she smeared orange clay on her face. I don’t get it. She goes from beautiful all-natural-no-makeup 99% of the time, to cosmetic face cake come time to collect a rose (which basically makes up the 1%). It’s Renee who should be the next Bachelorette, in theory, but she won’t be. I hope someone snags her up soon. She’s way too good for Juan Pab-ho. I can’t wait to see her reunite with her son for her hometown date though!

~

For the record…the fight between Nikki and Clare was up there for me in The Bachelor entertainment factor. It reminded me of my fights with my younger brother when we were little, and how we drew lines on the floor and walls and “air” to mark off our territory…

“Clare’s like a dog. She peed on him first,” said Nikki.

I have to think about that one…

If you pee on someone while having unprotected sex in the ocean, then is that still peeing? Or is it just being nasty yet efficient?

In closing…

SharleenFrontSharleenSideSharleenBack

 

I’m just a little obsessed with Sharleen’s dress. If she could only kiss like she dresses.

Always dishing,

Jun

Super Horny Juan Pablo’s English Teachers

Six

This will probably sound like a rant because it is one, more than usual…

It was obvious to me that Juan Pablo was super horny this week because he was tonguing down everyone and their teeth. Maybe it’s Clare’s fault from last week. Maybe it’s because all the ladies kept giving him English lessons and whining about their insecurities about being on a show based on exploitation of people’s insecurities. Maybe he just wanted to shut them up, using his own mouth to suffocate them.

But at the end of the day…

Cassandra Kat

Juan Pablo sent Cassandra the NBA-baby-mama home early as a 22nd birthday gift to her, before the rose ceremony ever happened. Her youth finally scared the shit out of his balls, so good for her. Her maturity level seems higher than that of her vocabulary, but according to Juan Pablo “she’s gorgeous, funny and nice,” so she’ll be fine.

Kat was sent home, after she dropped more emotional bombs on Juan Pablo as a means to secure a rose. That’s never a good idea. It’s relieving and comforting to get shit off your chest, but it’s another thing to use it as a ploy for sympathy from a man who just wants to fuck.

I wish Cassandra and Kat the best, but on to the rest…

Six

 

Clare: There are people who can treat sex like just sex and there are people who can’t, and it’s not exactly always mutually exclusive. And it doesn’t mean you get less sex either way. Clare’s one of those women who can always get sex but then she’ll bolt for any number of reasons, but mostly because she gave it up too fast thinking she could handle sex just being sex. I get it. I’ve been her. I’ve been the girl who sneaks out of guys’ apartments, or I went MIA after a sex romp or two. I walked many walks of shame at all hours. That’s Clare. And she also taught Juan Pablo what BOLT means in this episode.

Renee: Juan Pablo called Renee “my special one” but then he also used the term with Cassandra, which made it sound extra creepy. Special why? Because Renee and Cassandra are both moms? We have to be reminded of this every second of the season like it’s not obvious enough watching Renee coddle the crying and snot-nose-wiping Cassandra? Sigh. Renee’s got no shot at Juan Pablo and it’s a good thing. He doesn’t just want a MILF because he loves all ILFs equally.

Andi: I hate Andi’s hair! I tried getting used to it but I’m just not that into the ombre thing. Why would you dye the bottom half of your head a different color than the top of your head? It’s her hair but I don’t have to like it. Oh, and she is blind to the fact that all she and Juan Pablo have is sexual chemistry. Their conversations are more painful than a stab wound in the thigh. And to think she could have gotten claustrophobic and hyperventilated to death on that stupid one-on-one date.

Sharleen: She’s having doubts as to her existence on the show. I think it’s because she’s shocked at how much more excited she was about “geeking out” on the set of Lord of the Rings in New Zealand, than she ever is about Juan Pablo. I don’t know if she actually leaves like she threatens but we’ll see. I’m hoping she does because I can’t take anymore of her heavy lazy tongue kissing. But she does teach Juan Pablo what YOU CUT RIGHT TO THE CHASE means in this episode.

Nikki: She drops some knowledge on us, that I actually agree with, “You don’t get a husband by keeping your feelings in.”

Chelsie: I don’t know what this girl is still doing here. She’s too normal and too nice for Juan Pablo, and it’s like she’s at summer camp and not on the set of The Bachelor. He’d probably chew her up and spit her out onto the floor of the gym he’s working out in front of the mirror in, in real life. She teaches him the work FRAZZLED this episode.

Next week on The Bachelor I’d like to see Juan Pablo say: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Or nothing. I’m good either way.

Always dishing,

Jun

The Dirtbag and His 8 Remaining Bachelorettes

FinalClare

We’re in Vietnam, and by “we” I mean you and me and Juan Pablo and the bachelorettes and crew of ABC. I can’t believe ABC actually gave us the archaic little “Oriental jingle” aka Asian riff as if we needed a reminder that we’re in “The Orient,” and I was surprised at how much it irked me. At least they didn’t have someone in yellow-face ringing a gong. It IS 2014 right?

Here’s who’s left:

EliteEight

Andi: She’s a control freak and and can’t stand that she has no control over what’s going on in the context of this reality television show, which makes her no different than everyone who came before her. She doesn’t get that Juan Pablo just not that into her even though he’s into eating her mouth.

Cassandra: She’s having loads of fun on this “girls trip” aka The Bachelor and seems clueless to most things going on around her.

Chelsie: She’s kooky in a normal way and I can’t figure out what she’s still doing on the show because Juan Pablo doesn’t want kooky and normal. We all know what he wants.

Clare: Clare has really nice lips but nobody’s confirmed that they’re her real lips. They look real though. And she’s not allowed to say she had unprotected sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean but she was actually dropping heavy hints and smug about it, until Juan Pablo pulls a dirtbag move on her the day after. He pulls the regret card on Clare big time, because having banged her makes her a whore but not him, and throws his daughter’s name in there for effect. He’s a nightmare dirtbag because he’ll say things like “What happened happened already…it was a little weird for me…I have a daughter…” after he’s put his penis inside of you just 12 hours ago! Clare didn’t deserve to hear that shit from him, but it turns out all she wanted to know was whether or not he was taking her group date rose away from her. They both actually deserve each other.

Kat: She came in super-handy, for both Juan Pablo and CBS, for all the earlier dance-related dates. She loved all the attention and over-acted all her enthusiasm before dropping some baggage bomb on Juan Pablo last week. I think her vaginEnergizer bunny days are numbered.

Nikki: She always makes me feel like I should have her resume in front of me because her answers and delivery are so calculated and deliberate. I think she’s a closet control-freak and I’m just happy to know there’s someone out there with less hips than I have! She’s so slender and boxy with the longest and skinniest legs ever. She looked like a pair of chopsticks sheathed in a little black dress on that one-on-one dinner!

Renee: She finally gets a one-on-one date and claims that Juan Pablo makes her palms hurt when she thinks about him. I don’t know what that means but I feel like she’d give really strong hand jobs anyway. Not only does Juan Pablo NOT kiss her but he chooses a daytime activity involving a pedibike, which kinda sucked because she sat alone in a seat while he push-pedaled behind her. There were metal rods all over the contraption like some chastity belt around his dick, and he made every effort to treat her like a lesbian friend on the remainder of the date. And then right before the rose ceremony, when he pulls the “You have a son” card on her as to why he “won’t” kiss her, she basically tells him to man-the-fuck-up and kiss her. And so they do. They finally kiss…for a loooong time. Ew.

Sharleen: She’s either getting better at kissing Juan Pablo, or ABC’s now only showing us the two seconds of footage of actual good kissing between them. Either way it’s good, because she’s not kissing like she’s singing opera right into his mouth anymore.

I think this last round of three ladies who went home were beautiful, and WAY better off without Juan Pervert.

Always dishing,

Jun

 

7 Tips for Big Brother 35

TipsFM

Not to brag or anything and definitely not like other moms, but I’m proud of the Big Brother player my little Noah’s turning out to be, even before the age of two. Not literally of course, but in the context of life’s social game and competitive nature. I’m admittedly obsessed with watching people’s behaviors, and I spend the largest part of my time watching Noah in an array of environments.

Big Brother fans and alum alike, including me, joke about a Big Brother 35 season featuring alum’s children. Imagine a house of adorable babies all grown up and playing a season together, and their common link is that their parents were once on the show themselves. Freaky.

Too freaky.

I can’t imagine the show being around another nineteen years but at the same it’s quite probable. Big Brother costs nothing to produce compared to money that’s made by CBS, and the fandom isn’t dying down in the least despite the shows regression in other areas. Big Brother 35 could very well happen!

I can’t imagine Noah in nineteen years because I don’t want to picture myself that “old” and heading towards checking off the “Over 60” box on surveys. But I imagine Noah would do very well in the Big Brother 35 house. He’s now got daycare on lockdown three mornings a week, and seems to have alliances going on already. I’ve counted 3.5 alliances so far, and I’ll explain the half later.

This is all from what I observe, and what the daycare owner and den mother, Ellen, tells me:

1. Noah’s the oldest, by six or more months, yet he coddles the babies and is quite helpful all-around. This comes in handy in the Big Brother house when you find yourself “different” from the other Houseguests, for whatever the reason right or wrong.

2. Noah’s got an alliance with the biggest (literally) baby boy “T” at daycare, and also one with Ellen’s two sons, with a side alliance with Ellen’s younger son “D”, but with none of the other boys! This is excellent play in the Big Brother house because you need to know when and how and with whom to make the right alliances so that you’re protected in numbers, but you shouldn’t be a part of every existing alliance!

3. Noah eats like a beast every day that he’s at daycare for four hours and poops once. This is important because in Big Brother, you need to keep eating so you have energy to deal with horrible Houseguests, and you have to be able to poop with other people around, so regularity in bowel movements is good.

4. Noah has one particular alliance with his daycare girlfriend, “L”, and they always say hello and goodbye to each other each day. This is good in preparation for showmance possibilities in the Big Brother house, and for practicing waving goodbye to people as you evict them one-by-one.

5. Noah has a half-alliance, meaning he’s not committed to it but he’s not discarding it either, and it’s with a girl named “A” who’s right around Noah’s age and has a crush on him! This is important in case your run into someone in the Big Brother house that you’re really not that into, but they’re totally into you, so you make sure not to burn any bridges and make the best of the situation. 

6. Noah comforts a baby named “K”, at daycare, because she’s new there and all she does is cry all day…but then he’ll come home and randomly impersonate her by saying her name and scrunching up his face, pretending to cry! This is excellent for social game in the Big Brother house, because there’s nothing wrong with being civil to fellow HGs, but then you’re also giving the fans good diary room!

7. Noah pretend-cooks at daycare, and at home, and he’s all about making everyone taste-test his creations while serving accompanying drinks. This is always handy in the Big Brother house, for currying favor and filling your own belly at the same time…and this goes for drinks too.

NoahKitchenGlove

You don’t need to be an athlete or competition beast to win Big Brother if you have lots of other stuff going on. I can say this because I’ve proven it, and lived to dish about it. I don’t know how athletic Noah will turn out, but I know Noah will perform better physically than I did.

This is all hypothetically speaking, of course, and just for fun…isn’t it?!

Noah does have dual citizenship after all…

Always dishing,

Jun

Behcheeluh Show: It Wasn’t Octopus!

2NE1

Behcheeluh Show!

That’s how Korean moms refer to The Bachelor. At least it’s how my mom refers to it and pronounces it, and she’s pretty much the most Korean mom ever. It will always be Behcheeluh Show to her, so screw the prepositions.

I’m going to get it out of the way and say that I’m jealous that Juan Pablo and his bachelorettes got to travel to South Korea, my motherland. They went to Seoul, my birthplace. All jokes aside, I loved that ABC went to Korea. Korea is indeed majestic and modern and I can’t wait to experience it myself with my own family.

Maybe it’s a good thing that people like Clare and other idiots got to see Seoul. Maybe not. Still, listening to Juan Pablo tell me that there’s a lot of history in Korea made me want to throw my coffee at my Mac. I don’t waste coffee though, or Macs.

When I called Clare an idiot it’s because she despaired, “I don’t even have a kimono!” when she was told ABC was taking her to South Korea.

Why would you need a kimono Clare?! Korean people don’t wear kimonos Clare! Did you want to be a Japanese geisha in Korea Clare?!  

Clare needs some Korea 101:

Hanbok: For the record, the traditional Korean garb is called the hanbok, not kimono. ABC gave us some footage of the garment market in Seoul where they sold children’s hanbok. You can see one come-to-life in my little Noah in his hanbok on his first birthday, last year:

NoahAgeOne

Other bachelorettes actually got to dress up like kiddie cake decorations (because that’s what K-pop is, essentially) to be back-up dancers for K-pop group 2NE1.

And by the way, 2NE1 is supposed to be pronounced like “21” but it’s not a coincidence that it sounds like “to anyone” when you read it out.

Koreans love that stuff.

K-pop: I’m not a K-popaholic but I know many people who are, Korean or not Korean. It’s like Justin Bieber in Japanimation. I’ve never gotten into it but I did have one Korean ex-boyfriend who used to be in a guys K-pop group for one summer. They sucked.

The young ladies comprising 2NE1 are new to me, and I can’t even tell what they look like in real life under all the makeup, coloring, eyelash glue and plastic surgery. That’s how you know it’s a girls K-pop group.

2NE1

Most viewers probably noticed that CL (unicorn on her chest in the photo), the voice of 2NE1, spoke English very well. It’s because she and the rest of her K-pop idols are Korean by birth but have led very traveled and versatile lives. There are even Korean-American artists leaving the States and finding fame and recognition in Korean pop music and beyond!

Korean Food: And then I laughed so hard listening to the old Korean ladies speaking in the ABC footage, and the overall body language in mannerisms and facial expressions that define the Korean people….aloof but friendly. And I drooled over the street food Juan Pablo tasted in the streets of Seoul. Here’s Juan Pablo pretending to be happy to drink fishcake soup:

FirstFoodCart

Then there were the infinite number of Korean side dishes, banchan, that made my mouth water:

BanchanKimchiSquid

Notice, how I labeled the big bowl on the right “Spicy Marinated Squid” and not “Octopus” because ABC lied to us. They wanted us to go along with Clare’s “I’ll never eat octopus!” drama, but it was squid.

I confirmed with my momz.

I wonder if Clare would have still thrown up in her mouth had she known it was squid and not octopus.

Yo-geuh-rueh-teuh

And I hate that Sharleen pretended she’d just had a shot of semen and not some tasty fruity yogurt drink.

The drama with these girls!

When I visit Korea I will spend all my money on street food and cursing the Behcheeluh Show. It will be glorious.

~

Oh, and here are the bachelorettes remaining:

Eleven

They’re all screwed.

See you next week!

Always dishing,

Jun

How Marriage Is Like Big Brother

WeddingCakeTopper

Marriage is like Big Brother.

I’m not saying marriage is a game, because Big Brother is no ordinary game. Big Brother is more like marriage than The Bachelor ever is. It’s no wonder that there have been real marriages arising out of seasons of Big Brother. 

Life, in general, can be likened to Big Brother but it’s marriage that’s the final two. You both signed up for it. There’s no cash prize pay-off at the end but the two of you take home the prize anyway. We say there’s only one winner in Big Brother but there’s actually a 2nd place winner so technically there are two winners, it’s just that one got more money than the other. If and when there come times when you and your partner meet a jury then your arguments will determine who wins. I don’t shy from arguments at all, in front of juries or not, so being married to me must be tough sometimes.

Throughout the game of Big Brother, like in marriage, your final-two alliance remains steady as people around you are brought into your alliance, and some voted out. There are just some people that need to be cut the fuck out of your life for you to keep your marriage stronger. You don’t have to tell this to people’s faces, since you’re managing jury votes, but you really do have to know when to burn bridges.

There are no real competitions or favoritism, and no Chenbot thankfully, in marriage.

But there are still challenges and rewards.

Winning food in the Big Brother house was as important then as it is now, and always exhilarating. Let’s say for example, instead of Food Competitions my husband Davy and I juggle our little Noah and a huge shopping cart down the aisles of the supermarket. An exhilarating win for me is keeping Noah preoccupied sitting in the shopping cart while Davy and I shuffle quickly, single-file, while throwing groceries in our cart. The shorter the trip the better-behaved the kid. Last week we came home with a can of Pringles that neither Davy nor I put in the cart, but both of us thinking the other must have wanted it. It turns out it was Noah who threw the Pringles in the cart! We saw him do it again this last trip, reaching into the same shelf, and the Pringles mystery was a mystery no more.

Luxury Competitions are like arranging date nights, or getting to sleep in the morning after date night. Sending little Noah off to grandma’s or grandpas’s on a random Saturday night is a luxury. Getting to take a bubble bath in a quiet house is also a luxury. An unexpected and delicious nap in the middle of the day is also a luxury worth vying for.

I never fathomed writing a blog like this when I was sitting in final two with Alison in 2003, but here I am.

Could you find a winning final two?

Each partner has to balance being Head Of Household and not being Head Of Household, and each partner must respect the other’s Power of Veto. There should always be a right to veto. When you take away someone’s POV then that’s a game move but also a sign of disrespect. I meant it when I essentially took Ali’s POV away from her when I was HOH that week Jee went home. Ali had won it in advance of my nominations, which many forget, and that’s why I nominated her with Jee. Everyone thought I’d nominate Robert and Jee but hell no. I gave her no choice but to use it on herself so I’d replace her with Robert.

I always have a lot of shit to say so I veto things often. Like I said, it can’t be easy being married to me. In marriage, your spouse should always have the right to veto.

There’s no need to mess with someone’s POV anyway if you trust them. If you don’t, then that marriage isn’t going to work out in the end. It’s a long-term passive-aggressive thing called love where nobody has to get hurt but it’s okay to fight with your partner. Sometimes you want to punch your partner in the face and reign them in to focus on the end-game but you can’t do that. You don’t do that to your partner, neither in Big Brother nor in marriage, you don’t. You signed a contract. You can think about it all you want and even blog about it but you can’t do it. You remain calm and focus on the bigger picture and you get back to keeping your marriage going, because Big Brother never stops going on around you.

Marriage is hard.

Some people say they could play Big Brother successfully when they’re not really cut out for it to begin with.

Marriage isn’t for everyone and that’s okay.

Always dishing,

Jun

Train of Thought Over A Cup of Coffee: Charity and Philanthropy

Coffee

I started on this cup of coffee and I’m almost done with it.

Here’s my train of thought over this cup, and many people may disagree with me:

Celebrities are great and their efforts to raise awareness in fundraising for charities is humbling, most of the time. I never loved Celebrity Apprentice because it always just came down to making phone calls to other celebrities. I just give what I can, when I can. It’s what I’m comfortable with doing.

Celebrities sometimes make or break fundraising events, and charities certainly appreciate the larger number in donations that celebrities afford them. It should always be a beautiful thing. Legitimate charities all over the world need funds. Literally. Money is tight for everyone. It’s nobody’s business but yours how you spend your money.

Most of my life, and even as a child, I’ve donated to charities. But I’ve only given a few times in the true sense of philanthropy. One isn’t any better than the other, as long as nothing is ever expected in return. I only differentiate because with philanthropy, I was never going to really know who got the help they needed with the amount I donated. With charities, I always give because there’s some personal degree of separation or person associated with the cause I’m giving to, and usually someone whom I respect or mourn or celebrate. I guess I’d make a horrible lobbyist that way.

When I can give I choose charities that speak to my heart, and I give quietly regardless of what size the donation. I’d actually play Big Brother again if the whole $500,000 prize was for a charity, of American’s choosing, and Houseguests only got stipend at the end of it all. That’s philanthropic at the same time as it is charitable!

Clearly I’ve had too much coffee or not enough, because I’m fantasizing about a Big Brother Charity season.

I should probably drink some water.

I’ll have some water now…

Always dishing,

Jun