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Big Brother 12 Memories

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I was going through some of my old files and found these cast assessments from Big Brother 12. I can’t believe I was so right yet so wrong about some of these guys…and how my writing pretty much sucked back then compared to now…

Doesn’t season 12 seem soooooo long ago?

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Dear Andrew:

You look way better in your headshot than you do on the show. You should just walk around with your headshot in front of your face. And okay, so you’re about to hit 40 and you live in Miami Beach. You’re a podiatrist with a daughter. And you put ESPN before her on the “what I’ll miss” scale. Seriously? And you want to be part Kaysar, part Will, part George, and part Russell. Um, you’re going to base your strategy on FOUR previous strategies? Yeah. Ew. Get a clue.

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Dear Annie:

I like you, a lot. And not just because you’re bisexual, that just makes you hot. I think I might love you. But it’s still early. I’m totally into you which means I’m having a hard time writing about you. This is a good thing. I’ll be watching though. i’m quite the voyeur.

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Dear Brendon:

Good god you are a fine specimen of a man. Before the premiere I thought you were a tool, but if you’re a tool then I want to be handy. I can learn to appreciate you. You are a Scorpion, I get along with Scorpions. I really should write more about your gameplay but it’s still early…

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Dear Britney:

You would be my nightmare in the BB house. You are lovable. And why don’t you want to live with old people? Why is everyone this summer so anti-oldies?!?! I like you. But I will probably want to impale you with a hammer at some point soon. You said that you have been “dying” to be on Big Brother. I hate hearing that. It’s always bothered me the whole “dying to” idea. Maybe I won’t like you after all.

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Dear Enzo:

I’m sorry. It is a sincere (and only) apology you will ever receive from me. I’m sorry that I’ve been making fun of you (and those like you) my whole life. I mean it. My whole life. Even in the womb I would cringe when a Jersey-sapien-douche came within earshot. And what do you MEAN you are an “insurance adjuster” part-time, like you adjust people’s legs until they are broken as insurance for something? OMG.

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Dear Hayden:

Hayden, Hayden, Hayden. How cool is your name? Hayden Moss. You should be a porn star. You look like one. Hayden, you are so boring. You remind me of Nathan from BB4. Yeah, I’ll never forget that kid for almost convincing me that stereotypes about “country boys” are all true. I think you’re going to end up being a bitter jury member, like Nathan. And cry. I hope you cry.

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Dear Kathy:

I will get over this soon, but I can’t believe you live in a place called Texarkana. Like, WTF?! Is that a real place? Wow, now I’m even MORE scared of Arizona. I have to say you’re pretty cute, stunning even, at the ripe age of 40. And you’re a fucking Deputy Sherriff Sergeant chick. Wow. That’s HAWT. 

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Dear Kristen:

You tell us you’re always misunderstood. Very true. I don’t understand you at all. It doesn’t help that at first glance, oh god, you remind me of Ali from BB4…not so much your looks but maybe the evils that lurk in your eyes. What the fuck is your strategy anyway? You say you’re “going to be the kind of player noone has ever seen before” but what does that mean?! 

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Dear Lane:

Are you related to JT from Survivor? Are you guys kissing cousins? Can I tell you something? Getting to know people who buy oilrigs is not the same thing as getting to know people who live in the BB house. Your sales skills on Texans will not work in the Big Brother world. I bet you and Hayyyyyden will work out together.

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Dear Matt:

You’re married, yay. You’re a true fan of the show, yay. Of all the people, you want to have a Bromance with Jeff from last season. Great. And you wants to emulate Dan, winner of Season 10%. Geez. You are as sexy as John Madden. You’ve got an IQ in the top 2% my Korean ass. You’re so totally forgettable.

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Dear Monet:

You bother me. Your presence irks me. I can’t wait until your break. I will sit down with some lemon sorbet and watch you fall. You say, “Big Brother has had too many trashy bimbos on the show – it’s time they step up their standards and put a classy girl like myself in the house.” I don’t know anyone who refers to themselves as classy…and turns out to be classy. Ew. You bore me too. And you “work as a model somewhat” now. What does that even mean? Is that like when I say I “take it in the ass somewhat?”

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Dear Rachel:

You are a walking, steamy hot pile of mess. But you’re endearing. I want to adopt you for a few days. You refer to yourself as: a model, a cocktail server, a chemist, a student, a charity head… What is a charity head?! I think it’s nice you give head for charitable purposes. I predict you will gain at least 11 pounds while in the house. But I will still like you by the end.

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Dear Ragan:

I would hate you if he were my professor. I can say this because I have one just like you for my Intermediate French 202 class this semester. All that sour hardball candy strategy stuff you were talking was slightly sexually awkward for me. And sweetie, you seriously won’t be able to pay your $300,000 in school loans off with the prize money, which you will never win anyway. Sorry. For whatever reason, I don’t like you. You make me cringe. 

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Dear Saboteur:

You are lame. I don’t like you. You’re a gimmick. But you’re making everyone even more paranoid than they already were. So you can stay.

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Always dishing,

Jun

Another Korean on Big Brother

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Not to make a big deal about the fact that there’s finally another Korean on Big Brother, but I’m going to make a big deal about Helen Kim anyway. Most of you won’t mind considering “most of you” are white people, and you get to watch your fellow white people on Big Brother all the time. So I’m just going to go on about the significance of there finally being another Korean woman in the house after 10 years have passed since I won my season, and this particular Korean Helen happens to be exactly my age and a married mom.

I thanked Robyn Kass for kassting Helen…

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…knowing full-well I’m not the reason Helen was cast. I’m not delusional, just dramatic, but I love being able to say “It’s been 10 years since…”

I can’t help but think back to the “kind” of Korean I was 10 years ago, both in life and in the Big Brother house. I was a horrible Korean, actually. There were so many things I disliked about “being Korean” growing up in America, that when I got older I pulled away from my heritage. I remember telling Big Brother producers how I didn’t date Asian men and how my Korean ex had turned me off to Korean men forever, and the like. I look back and I shake my head at how I did nothing consciously to uplift the my Korean community. I was an obnoxious girl who wanted to be more American-Korean than Korean-American. After being raised to assimilate into the American culture, I’d tried to abandon parts of my Korean one.

I didn’t go on the show to be mentor or a shining example of anything, let alone a Korean, because I was deliberately selfish. That summer was all about me because I wanted it to be. I can’t say I regret being so selfish, but…

It wasn’t until I married and had a child that I embraced warmly what “kind” of Korean I’ve become, and the very things I resented 10 years ago I’ve now come to appreciate and instill in my little Noah. I’m not saying I’d wear the Korean flag on my chest or declare some sudden lust for Asian men if I was in the Big Brother house now, but I would be more thoughtful about how I represented a population of people. So although I don’t know what Helen will turn out to be like, once the footage starts rolling, I hope I don’t find her to be a horrible Korean.

No pressure Helen. Just be yourself and look back in 10 years and laugh and reflect.

I’m not defined by how Korean I am, but what kind of Korean I am now…in addition to being everything else.

Always dishing,

Jun

Why Momz Would Be Horrible on Big Brother – Part 1

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Now that we’re mere hours away from the Big Brother 15 cast reveal, even more speculation’s floating around as to who’s actually on the show this summer. With rumors of Elissa Slater (yes, Rachel’s sister) and Kelly Gheesling (Dan’s sister), Jordan’s brother and Ian’s made-up sister, all named as possible summer HGs…

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I can tell you now my mother, momz, will not be on the show this summer. No, really. I even tweet about it this morning…

MomzI sent in an application for her and everything, and producers loved it, but she didn’t make it past the first round of interviews because her English wasn’t up to par. It’s okay though, because I just made all that up. Momz would be horrible on Big Brother and here are some reasons:

Why Momz Would Be Horrible on Big Brother

10. She would start by introducing herself to all the HGs as, “Hi, my name is Song,” which would make sense for Koreans because last names are always said first and matter most. But then she’d get “caught” for lying about her name and all hell would break loose in losses in translation, and she’d self-evict.

9. She’d say at least a dozen times a day to everyone, “You know Jun she my daughter, she winning the Big Brother,” leading to her nomination and eviction asap.

8. She can barely turn on a Mac, let alone handle those BB competitions…

7. She’d spend the summer harassing HGs about the hazards of anal sex, and probably bring my name up further embarrassing me.

6. She’d cock-block everyone, even from themselves, because all roads lead to #7 above including masturbation!

5. She’d make everyone put on more clothes around-the-clock, telling them “This is not the porno!”

4. She’d never want to talk to any HG in private, even if it was about strategy, because she’s so paranoid that someone would try to seduce her.  This goes for men and women, because my momz knows there are “the gay women” out there.

3. She’d pose like this in every camera and in every diary room session, because I taught her to. Just for fun.

MomzPose2. She could never live without the Korean news, particularly stories about where to get the best quality beef short ribs and whether or not Kim Jong Un’s marriage is a sham.

But ultimately…

1. She could never live without Skype sessions with Noah

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Cheers to a good day and the day we get to see who ends up on this season of Big Brother! See you on the other side!

Always dishing,

Jun

 

BBMVPain In My Ass

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WARNING: This post is meant to be as dramatic as it reads. It’s pre-season mayhem for Big Brother 15!

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“The Big Brother MVP will force the houseguests to rethink their strategies.  With America rewarding good game play, it doesn’t pay to be a floater this summer,” said Allison Grodner and Rich Meehan, Executive Producers of BIG BROTHER.

This is the message being broadcast across the Big Brother universe. If you know what this message is in reference to, great. If you don’t, then do yourself a favor and read this or this.

Back to the message…

There are two things wrong with the message, and one thing right.

RIGHT: “The Big Brother MVP will force the houseguests to rethink their strategies…” ABSOLUTELY. This whole BBMVP scheme will definitely force HGs to rethink their strategies. Duh. Just like the reveal of X-Factor made me rethink my strategy…and other twists that followed.

WRONG: “With America rewarding good game play…” NO. NO. NO. When you open up anything anywhere to a public vote, you can’t dare assume what the public will or will not do. “America” will do what it wants to do because they can once you give them the vote. To assume America will vote for good game play is like assuming a cat lady’s vibrating dildo is really just a back massager. Wait. Huh? Yeah. Exactly. If CBS wanted to appease the population of Big Brother Cat Ladies they should have just given the green light for more web series featuring cat lady favorites.

WRONG: “…it doesn’t pay to be a floater this summer.” NO. NO. NO. Unless there’s some Hunger Games scheme going on where floaters are executed, it’s impossible NOT to have floaters in the game…let alone in the real world. Darwin would agree with me, I’m sure. What needs to happen here is that “a floater” be replaced with “spineless” or “clueless” this summer…or something like that. The term “floater” has been misused and downtrodden and now CBS is making it a dirty word.

Now, the whole HOH having to nominate 3 HGs? That’s way more interesting and conducive to “good game play”… The BBMVP scheme sounds like a renamed and rebranded Pandora’s Box. Obviously, we should all wait and see what CBS has in store for us since they’re promising to explain everything later. But for now, let’s dish and be uber dramatic!

Update: For the 4th eviction America gets to be the MVP and vote for the third nominee.

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother Winners – Part Two

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Picking up from Part One

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Season 8 – Evel Dick Donato, made it to the end with his estranged and angry daughter Daniele, and deservingly won by a vote of 5 to 2. One of the 5 votes was a public vote, which he still gets shit for and he also gets shit for all the dirty family laundry that got let out as a result of the show…and for leaving during the first week of his second time on the show. You can take him or leave him, he really doesn’t give a fuck because I’ve seen him not giving a fuck and also giving a fuck.

Season 9 – Adam Jasinski is the equivalent of the BB winner CBS wants to forget about, and probably the guy you want to forget you ever woke up next to. If he wanted to start a drug ring, he should have consulted a fellow BB winner who’d started a “Prostitution Whore!!!” ring with her winnings. Maybe then he wouldn’t have gone to jail. Just kidding. Ha. What?

Season 10 – Dan Gheesling, former reality television groupie turned winner and coach and Christian, husband and author, and BB guru and consultant, and candle scent. Yes, he has a misty candle out there you can buy…and deservedly so since he’s NEVER had one eviction vote cast upon him in the two seasons he’s played.

Season 11 – Jordan Lloyd won her season, and is loved and cherished by CBS and Jeff Schroeder and their fans across the world for free. She couldn’t tell time, but she managed to secure a public vote after Chima Simone’s meltdown and expulsion from the game that season. She had enough votes to win anyway, like Dick did.

Season 12 – Hayden Moss, country boy and jock extraordinaire, won lots of competitions and 4 out of the 7 votes in the end. All I really remember about him is his showmance with Kristen, and yes his really thin lips that I can’t get over. I’m sorry. I can’t.

Season 13 – Rachel Reilly, spent two consecutive summers in the BB house, crying foul a lot and sometimes in a bush but winning the thirteenth season with what looked like an unfair advantage given by the producers. It’s still debated and always will be, which is why there’s a Brenchel Army always around to protect her.

Season 14 – Ian Terry is so many things including a walking BB Wiki database, but in context he’s the youngest winner of Big Brother with quite possibly the highest IQ. His win, for me, reminded me again that very real people could be cast to win. He’s a huge fan of Jack Owen, and Jack’s a fan of Ian’s, and I am fans of both. But I’m definitely a Just Jack kinda girl at heart…

In my next BB post I’ll reveal you who you all voted as your #1 Big Brother winner…and I’ll dish my take on the “Will Kirby versus Dan Gheesling” debate…hope you’re all enjoying the photos of the new BB house out there on some of the world wide web!

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother Winners – Part One

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We are always supposed to “Expect the Unexpected” and by “we” I mean Big Brother fans and future Houseguests. Yet, there are so many things now about Big Brother that are to be expected, down to the exact day. We’re down to single digits now, 9 days, before the start of the Big Brother 15 season. We know to expect “sneak peeks” at the BB house first and then the “Meet the Houseguests” type stuff a few days after, but a recent tweet by Robyn Kass makes it sound like house photos and cast reveals will both happen at the end of this week?!

During the season, so many competitions now rely solely on BB trivia, and HGs can now anticipate what type of competitions are coming up based solely on when they happened in previous seasons. This is good and bad. It’s good because it lends favor to superfans like Ian Terry. It’s bad because those “regular people” we all say we want cast are at a disadvantage.

It’s probably why all the winners of Big Brother have all won differently, on a grand scale, and why they’ve all been so different.

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Season 1 – Eddie McGee, yes the guy with one leg, won by a public vote but he’s still in the Big Brother Winner’s Circle. I watched some short horror film he was in last year, randomly, and I kinda liked it.

Season 2 – Will Kirby, is the Godfather of BB Villains because he did it FIRST for all of America to watch and then came back and gave a good show. Having met and spent hours with him I can tell you he loves himself IMMENSELY as much as he seems like he does on television.

Season 3 – Lisa Donahue, won in the final two against Danielle Reyes and many whisper in dark BB corners that Danielle should have won…because it came down to the fact that the jury got to see all the diary room footage from both Lisa and Danielle. Having met Lisa I can say she’s a very lovely and graceful woman and Danielle couldn’t have lost to a better person that summer.

Season 4 – Jun Song, me, and I was told going in that my diary room footage would not be shown. When producers told me that I remember a ringing in my ears because I knew that meant I could say WHATEVER I wanted all summer, and so could all the other HGs. I was excited. So I sliced and diced in the kitchen never mincing my words as I let things marinate so I could roast people one by one.

Season 5 – Drew Daniel, won and deserved more than 4 out of the 7 votes in my opinion but he won nonetheless. He was very plain vanilla, yet now he’ll most be remembered for getting arrested by taser.

Season 6 – Maggie Ausburn, won by doing what she had to do, with what she was given, in that crazy fanfreakingtastic house that summer. True BB fans recognize her gameplay and with all the cat lady hate she received I’m not surprised she wants nothing to do with BB anymore.

Season 7 – Mike “Boogie” Malin, won the All-Stars season whether anyone likes it or not. Whether or not he would or wouldn’t have even been invited back without Will Kirby is fun to argue, but the fact of the matter is he still won in the end and by a landslide. I’ve met him too, and I might as well have been invisible or offering him some ginseng tea in a kimono.

Season 8 – Evel Dick Donato…

I’ll pick this up in Part Two…

Always dishing,

Jun

Top 3 Big Brother Winners Poll

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If you had to pick a list of Top 3 BB winners who would they be?

I’ll share my Top 3 list (and whys) once all your voting is in. Poll will be open for a week!

Always dishing,

Jun

Photo Credit: BBRazorSkate

Robyn Kass Says Interesting

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Now I’m totally making a Big Brother mountain over a Twitter molehill, but since there’s not much else to talk about besides “BUY YOUR LIVE FEEDS NOW!!!” let’s just run with this and be really dramatic…

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If you don’t know who Robyn Kass is and you’re a Big Brother fan, then shame on you. She’s literally one of the hardest-working women in reality television, and owner of “the first full-service reality casting company” and responsible for casting me and every season of Big Brother and so many other very big reality shows. I love that Robyn and I still tweet in touch, and what I’ll always remember about the time I spent with her is how  R E A L  she is. Robyn’s a fellow I-don’t-give-a-fuck-while-still-giving-a-fuck kinda girl, and I love her for it.

So when she tweet me in response to my BB15 Rumors blog, “I’ve heard them all. Interesting……,” of course I laughed.

Ugh! That word “interesting” is the worst word when you want to gossip! And since we have nothing much else to gossip about, let’s discuss and overanalyze and pick apart the word “interesting” that Robyn used…shall we? What do you think she meant by her tweet?!

Update: All rumors proved to be false and what we got was an all-new cast. It was fun speculating!

Always dishing,

Jun

P.S. This is all in good fun…nobody go harassing Robyn. Sigh. I really have to  say that.

Big Brother 15 Rumors

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Not that anyone’s keeping track or anything…

But here are the current list of rumored particulars about this upcoming season, and when I say “rumored” I mean information not announced by CBS and by “upcoming” I mean “Omg it’s almost here you guys!”

It’s rumored that:

1. Among the Houseguests there will be alum from other CBS shows, namely The Amazing Race and Survivor. I did play with a hypothetical scenarios wherein past BB and Survivor alum were in the house together, but this would be totally different. Although CBS promised early on that this would be a season of all new HGs, I suppose technically TAR and Survivor alum could be  considered “new” to Big Brother.

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2. Among the Houseguests there will a lesbian couple. Big Brother has been missing a few things in past season, and real lesbian love has been one of them.

3. Among the Houseguests there will be a mom and son secret duo. I don’t know if this pairing would be able to pull it off, but then again I’m imagining myself and my one-year-old and how I’d probably wipe his mouth after each meal without even realizing what I was doing. Can a mother and her son hide their relationship in the BB house?

4. The jury will consist of 9 people this season, which would makes sense given another CBS promise for the MOST HGs everrrrrrrr.

5. There will be the largest age gap between the oldest (70s) and youngest (18?) Houseguests…

Now these are all rumors, but we all know rumors start from the smallest grains of truth all grown up. Let’s see what other rumors surface in the next 16 days, in the meanwhile which of the 5 rumors do you think will become truth?

Always dishing,

Jun

Summer Plans

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Last night I basically had my last bite of dinner then passed out and slept until this morning, because my body told my brain to get some fucking rest. It’s true. Wahhh I’m so tired even now, but I’ll stop crying as it annoys even me.

Instead of crying it’s time to re-prioriritze, using everything I can control and leveraging things that I can’t…

For months now I’ve been anxious leading up to this summer because Big Brother blogging done right requires so many hours of devotion, and I just have no more hours to devote to anything much extra these days. With my other writing job, running my site here and little Noah in full toddler-gear something’s gotta give.

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It’s unbelievable to me that it’s been 10 years since I was on Big Brother wearing fishnet. My whole Big Brother experience has always been my guilty pleasure and good story to tell because I won, and it came along with some cash bonuses here and there after the fact. Most of all it’s connected me with thousands of you instantly, and some for forever. However, this summer I’m letting go of my guilty pleasure a little bit.

“Everything happens for a reason,” is the perfect reasoning for so much happening around me lately and all signs point to taking a step away from Big Brother. For now. Thank you to everyone who’s offered me a writing gig this summer, and to everyone who enjoyed Power Rankings with me, but I’m taking a BB-break.

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A family vacation is in order, and Noah’s first steps have yet to happen so it will be a big summer for me yet!

I’ll miss watching feeds and reporting in all the nonsense and I’ll miss snarking voraciously on BB HGs through Power Rankings blogs, but I’ll be watching from afar and checking in. This is why I compiled the partial list of sites I’ll be following this summer while I’m BB-less.

I’m looking forward to taking a breather and being a voyeur like all of you, and shielding myself and my family as much as possible from some of the threats and hostility I’ve received the last few seasons of Big Brother. Unfortunately having been on Big Brother means you take the good with the bad, but there truly is some bad out there when fans threaten people’s lives over a television show. Having now a family of my own, I know I’m making the right decision in taking the summer off from BB.

Taking Noah to the children’s reading room in the library and to the playground nearby, and all the other summer things that involve an ice cream treat will be my live feeds action this summer.

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A family road trip will happen at the end of this month as we drive to France, specifically to Omaha Beach in Normandy where I’ll stand in awe of the history there. I’ll blog about it, and other things too this summer, so I’ll stop being so dramatic as if i’m going to disappear off the face of the freaking earth.

Always dishing,

Jun