Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

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MAAS: Momz Against Anal Sex

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My mother, momz, is against anal sex. This is somewhat a continuation of Things My Mother Told Me, but the anal sex topic was never covered there. Actually, it’s not a topic I thought I’d ever cover.

But my mother arrived from New York just this morning, for a three week visit, and after all the hugs and feel-good reuniting at Brussels International Airport, she sat me down for a talk when we got home. Noah had just gone down for a nap and my husband Davy gone off to work, and my mother thought it the perfect time to ambush me.

Apparently she’d read recently in some Korean women’s magazine about the perils of engaging in anal sex and she’d neglected to tell me earlier. Because on Skype, “Maybe somebody listen us.”

Well, she got right to the point even demonstrating things with her hands.

AnalDemo

As if.

Yes, I was getting the anal sex talk from my mother. Different, way different, than just the sex talk. It was our third or fourth in my adult life, and it was the most graphic one by far. I don’t know of many other Korean moms like my momz. But then again I don’t know many other Korean moms like myself.

It was simple. The information my mother possessed about anal sex was fact, to her and therefore should be so to me. Anal sex, basically, makes something tight like your anus become something loose and open.  And of course, there’s a visual representation of “Before and After”.

BeforeAndAfterThe thing is, while I am cackling and “Umma!”ing at her, my mother is completely serious about it even bringing up names of my exes who shall not be named as reminders of my anal past. And she refused to believe that men all want to try anal sex. And so, of course, I did what I had to do and asked, “What, Appa never asked you to have anal sex?!”

My mother drew her hands back to her sides and sucked in her breath. Once, she whispered and she’d said no and he never asked again.

“He never asked again?” I asked dramatically.

My mother admitted that yes, indeed, my father had asked her one more time “long long time later” after the first time. And again my mother had said no and that was a cold case for my father. I realize my mother and I will never see eye to eye on all the kinds of sex out there nowadays.

But I get it. She’s never had anal sex and she never will. Good for her. And good for me that I can have this kind of WTF-OMG-TMI kind of power hour with my mother without her ever actually asking me if Davy and I have anal sex. She just wanted to make a point for the sake of having made that point, about anal sex. And then we moved on to talking about what to feed Noah when he awoke.

Always dishing,

Jun

 

 

Waxed In Shanghai

Bones

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Thank you for writing in with this question!

When I was laid-off in 2009, after the market crashed from under so many of our feet, I saw a different side to a lot of different people firing a lot of different other people. It was ruthless and cold and hard like we see in over-dramatized corporate drama series after another, except in real life. But what does this have to do with vagina waxing? Nothing, unless you believe waxing is ruthless and cold and hard. But I will use it as a starting-point for this Beginner’s Guide to Waxing.

So, rewind to 2009, I’d decided to pack my bags and travel more of the world with my newfound unemployment and free time. Among my destinations was Shanghai, the largest city (by population) in the People’s Republic of China. Despite my mother’s concerns that I would be visiting China before I ever returned to Korea I left for Shanghai, alone.

ShanghaistreetFood

The street food in Shanghai, both at night and during the day, was ridiculously fresh and as simple as vegetable dumplings or as complex and scary as body parts from a variety of animals roaming the earth. I tried most everything being offered, save for helpings from huge pots of this:

Bones

I couldn’t. I didn’t feel it was part of my destiny to try my fate and my digestive system with such delicacies. Although I did try cupping for the first time in my life, while I was there.

Cupping

Cupping is one of many ancient forms of Chinese alternative medicine, where cups are placed on your skin like mini vacuums using heat, to get your blood flow going. And then a few days later I stumbled upon this big pink sign on one of my many walks as a tourist:

Strip

Strip: Ministry of Waxing. I had no intention of showing my vagina to anyone on that trip. But the word choice in their signage sold me right away, how could I not go in for a wax?  And right away I went into “Beginner’s Guide to Waxing” mode. It was neither my first nor hundredth time getting waxed, but having it done in a foreign country I felt like a beginner again all of a sudden.

Beginner’s Guide to Waxing:

~ BEFORE: If you don’t have any already, buy a mild exfoliating cleanser and loofah/scrub brush and exfoliate (down there). Take an ibuprofen thirty minutes before the waxing session, this will help dull the pain. Decide what kind of wax you want, whether you want to just tame the hair around your lady parts (Bikini) or go back to a hairless prepubescent state (Brazilian) or whatever wax in between. And then convince yourself that your threshold for pain is higher than you think it is.

~ DURING: Don’t be shy to tell your wax technician that it’s your first time. Most likely, there’s a special package available to waxing virgins anyway. This is what they do for a living, and if they do it well, you and your vagina will get exactly what you want in the end. But if you’re embarrassed and tense, the experience will feel more like sex abuse than maintenance. If it helps, hold your breath right before each pull of the strip, and then exhale dramatically each time. It’s your vagina you can be dramatic if you want to. It also helps you relax if you convince yourself that you‘ll never see this person all up in your vagina again, even if you’ll be returning. Just psyche yourself out, it’s easier.

~ AFTER: Unless you have products at home already to help the post-wax process (and prevent ingrown hairs), buy something from your wax technician. Don’t sit in a sauna or Jacuzzi or toaster, for that matter, for twenty-four hours after your wax. It’s common sense. And try not to have sex right away. I won’t say wait twenty-fours until sex, because I’ve been known to wait just a few hours and get away with it. There’s something about having a fresh smooth territory as your sexual playground, that makes you want to show it off to someone deserving (and some not so deserving, but that’s nobody’s business). And exfoliate again after a few days…to further prevent ingrown hairs!

And voila, really, that is all you can do in preparation for your first waxing experience. Waxing isn’t for everyone. Whether you’re a “shaver” or one of those woman who is growing a rainforest through your pubes, I’m not judging. Everyone is different, and if you’re easily freaked-out in life then you will most likely freak out about your fist wax.

But realize you are not the first or last, and so many others have come before you and survived, and your vagina deserves you as much as you deserve your vagina. Happy waxing!

Always dishing,

Jun