I’m behind on the Big Brother Canada viewing, but I have been reading and hearing the gist of goings-on this season, including the woes of Alec’s penis reveal and tattoos being etched into showmance skin. The shit I see on Twitter is incredible. I’m grateful there was no such thing as Twitter when I was on the show a decade ago.
A decade. Ouch. Let’s make this check-in as painless as possible.
There are six HGs gone and Topaz is currently HOH.
According to Age: Apparently age has less to do with evictions this season, because the first six evicted HGs range in age. I guess Andrew didn’t need to worry about lying about his age after all.
According to MostLikeable: Well, the three I disliked the most on first impression are gone. And some people I thought would be more likeable, I don’t like anymore proving none of this matters. But it’s awesome that I got a Triple X on this category!
According to Most Likely To Get In A Fight: This is also a flop. There haven’t been many “huge” fights this season minus Alec’s post-penile meltdown. It’s always easy to say “there wasn’t much to see it was so small,” but I didn’t see it first-hand so I can’t say.
According to Most Likely To Showmance: Well. I was off about Danielle and Kat, but those I put on the higher end of showmanceship have fallen off into evicted abyss. I will admit the Topaz and Alec thing came as a surprise. And I didn’t think Jillian would be on Emmett so fast, but it makes sense given her needing to rebound off some new boner. I wonder if her ex-boyfriend is watching the show.
According to Most Likely To Win: My least likely and most likely have been knocked out, which makes sense. It remains to be seen who wins, and if I just really suck at making these predictions. Probably. I will say my pick as Most Likely To Win, Suzette, has been a disappointment overall. I expected more from her, without being specific, just more.
I’m no fortune teller and since I’ve only watched three full episodes out of the twelve so far, I have some catching up to do. Maybe one day when I have free time I’ll get to the missed episodes. But first, I need to take a nap.
“7 Ideas in Salad” aka things more exciting than last night’s Big Brother Canada episode…
I realize it must be hard to come up with a sixty-minute show when there are 24 hours of live feeds going on, but last night’s episode was a complete fail. I’d ask for my money back, but I watched it for free on YouTube so…
It’s still way early in the season so we’ll see how things progress.
Update, Aug. 13, 2013: I’d take BB Canada Season One over BB15 any day of any season. The ugly side of Americans is uglier than that of Canadians so far.
But for now, and in response to a request through My Facebook Page, I am sharing some ideas for salads not Caesar or Chef or “usual” for that matter. I’m a savory and sweet and sour kind of girl when it comes to my salads, and I’ll always use what’s fresh in my kitchen at the time.
All salads contain lettuce even if you can’t see it, because I tend to bury my lettuce with all the other goodness!
1. Tuna and Then Some, Salad
Starting clockwise from 12 o’clock: Grated Carrot, Cucumber, Hard Boiled Egg, Roasted Peppers, Homemade Tuna Salad, Mango
2. Meat Loaf and Then Some, Salad:
Starting clockwise from 12 o’clock: Corn, Tomatoes, Red Onion, Grated Carrots, Dried Cranberries, Hard Boiled Eggs, Homemade Meat Loaf, Sliced Radish, Bleu Cheese
~ If you ever want to know what went down and in what order and who’s HOH/POV/WTF, please do check out Reality Nation not only because I write for them as well, but Branden Barker is covering Big Brother Canada and he’s good at what he does. And also, I’m not going to go through what went down and in what order…because I did that once, last blog.
But, I will be awarding some Best of Screencap Awards.
I give to you, the Big Brother Canada 2013 Best of Screencap Awards:
Talla, or as I now call her “Holla Talla”. I keep forgetting she’s Canadian because she’s so that Cali girl. I hope she does this every live vote on eviction night so we can have endless screencaps. ~
Pretty Baby DNA Title
I don’t care that it’s stupid of them to do, but Emerald Topaz Pearly White Teeth and Alec are really cute together. Black dudes on the American show have dipped their sticks into white girls, but the other way around has never happened. Unless you count my season where Amanda was half white. Does that count? Is that a horrible question? Probably.
As in, what the fuck is he wearing? Garish Gary, or “Garish” now for short looks like a piece of accent furniture on the set of a drag show. Most likely a light fixture. With glitter, that he throws everywhere, he’s like a magician with no real tricks. And the only reason he wasn’t replacement nominee for Tom was because Kat went awol Big Brother suicide bonkers on HOH Suzette.
American Dream Award
Our very own Dan Gheesling was on the show, this our first ever live eviction night (not really live I hear by the way) of the first ever season of Big Brother Canada, and I know it had to be one of the best nights of his reality television life. Who cares that he went into his usual trancelike stance while pulling his face as tight as his nuts as he delivered his practiced lines. I’m happy for Dan that he got to stand on stage with Coxbot and add to his Wikipedia page. He thinks Peter and Aneal are leading the winners pack. I think Peter is, by far, past Aneal. Aneal’s been running around looking for fires to set, and setting them, while Peter’s truly been watching and listening. But I’m loving Aneal’s antics because I don’t care who wins. Yay for me.
Throw Away The Key Award
The houseguests got handcuffed together for a day, and received more alcohol that evening than we ever got in a month in my season. Or any American Big Brother season. It’s so weird that I have to differentiate Big Brother franchises now. But a good weird.
Congratulations Canada. Your inaugural BigBrother season is off to a great start. As fans, it’s our job to bitch, but it’s not the worst I’ve seen Canadian television put out.
It took me so long to get through last night’s premiere of BigBrotherCanada, because I had to pause here and there while typing furiously. There was so much material in one hour. As a non-Canadian viewer, I love the cast and all their incredibly messy lives.
The house is 13,000 square feet, with 77 cameras and 50 microphones, and the game goes on for 75 days. The host, Arisa Cox, sounds alarmingly like Julie Chen. And thus, it will be Arisa or Coxbot from here on out. The prize is $100K, plus a car, plus a $25K shopping spree at The Brick (they furnished the BB Canada house).
The house “has a snowy outdoor chalet with steaming hot tub” in addition to a sunny outdoor area. Sick. And we finally get to meet the houseguests. Overall, I’d say Canadian houseguests are louder and more huggier than American houseguests:
Aneal: We come upon him in a library and well, he’s adorably nerdy. He’s a diehard fan of BigBrother, including feeds and playing in BigBrother pools and reading blogs (he’d better have read mine) and he’s forum freak too. He’s one of the first to claim a bed upon entering the house. And his voice gets so low, I wish he was a South Park character.
Suzette: She says she’s in her “dirty 30s”, love it, and she starts crying when she’s told she has to leave upon receiving her key to the house. I cried too. It was like a smack in the face that this was real. But she seems way cooler as a mom of three than any other moms of three on Big Brother.
Peter: Tells us he hates people, in general, and he will win because this is a game of “the mind”. He hates Suzette right away. He finds her “annoying and loud and obnoxious”.
Kat: Seems to be a kickass bartender, putting my License in Mixology to shame. And, um, she can hit a baseball like I can give head. Better than most girls. She’s another one that claims a bed right away. Oh, and she “can’t stand princess-y girls with boobs out giggling”…
Danielle: Danielle turns out to be a princess-y girl with boobs out giggling.
When she gets her key she says, “I feel like a celebrity already.” And I feel like hating her already. All of her life experiences sound like they happened in a bar, as she tells us two different bar stories in her brief intro. “When I walk into a bar…” and “This one time I was at the bar…” I kid you not. And her speech and intonation is as such that her last syllable always sounds so high-pitched you’d think a finger just flew in her ass out of thin air.
Alec: So this dude thinks that being a social psychologist is like “having a Masters Degree in Big Brother because it is social psychology”. Right. Studying it and living in it are totally different. Oh, and he wore some lime green highlighters on his feet as shoes.
Talla: She’s got one of those sick bodies with which you can get away with walking around body painted. But then again, she’s a furry vest in the summer kinda girl. She hopes there is “eye candy” in the house, and she’s even good with “girl candy” too. She claims she’s willing to “break a couple of hearts in the house”, which she almost never made it into as her fourteen-inch hells prevented her from walking down the stairs and into the house. She walked down the stairs BACKWARDS.
Andrew: Turns out he’s a twin. And his twin brother Pete, is married with children. Andrew was supposed to get married but his fiancée bailed on him last minute. Woah. And Andrew just really wants a family like Pete’s. Awwwwww. And he’s looking for love in the house, if it’s there, and love looks like Sandra Bullock.
Jillian: How convenient for Andrew, because Jillian tells us she’s always mistaken for Sandra Bullock. Ugh, she turns out to have a crazy annoying voice and since we know she’s still healing from a broken long term relationship, I’m just gonna throw it out there and say this girl needs to have some dirty sex. Even if it’s with a stranger. Just protect herself and get her bang on. She’s so intense. But Andrew doesn’t seem to care as he follows her around like a lost puppy dog looking for a lactating tit.
AJ: I don’t understand. Has he somehow had three different jobs since last week? I’ve seen him claim at least three different occupations in that time. Which then makes sense, when he tells us he lives in a rented basement apartment downstairs from his parents’ home. He lies to girls he manages to get back to his rented basement apartment about his housing status, and probably about his occupation, and also wears sunglasses like these indoors while looking at himself in his mother’s mirror:
I can’t even make this shit up.
Tom: He’s another douchebag, although different than the AJ species. Tom tells us, proudly, “I’m in the house for titties” and OMG he’s in luck because he immediately falls in love with Danielle’s titties. And he also tells us, “Gay people annoy the shit out of me. Well, the flamboyant ones”.
Gary: Well, Gary’s a flamboyant gay who, like woah, can play ice hockey. But his voice sounds more like a girl’s than most of my female neighbors’ do around here. “Where the fuck am I gonna sleep?” Gary asks out loud, upon discovering there are no more beds left. Hmmm. Aneal tells us that he’d find Gary funny, but his “annoyance cancels out the funny”. But that’s okay becuase Gary doesn’t like Aneal anyway because Gary’s in love-lust with Emmett.
Emmett: Turns out to be very much so a fair-locked farm boy, but he is also tattooed with four brothers living on an eight generation family farm. I wonder if they all run around singing like SevenBrides for Seven Brothers. And he has a gay brother who came out to him, before he did to many others, and we see Emmett’s brother telling him to “Watch out for the gay guy”. It’s sweet. And good for Canada for bringing to the forefront a homophobe and flamboyant gay man and straight man with a gay brother right away.
Liza: Well, she doesn’t disappoint and turns out to be a hot orange mess of a hot mess. She tells us she “was always destined for reality tv” and I gulp. She’s been under one too many tanning bulbs and she packs gallons of bronzer to supplement her already unnatural skin color. And she creams her panties about Tom, which doesn’t surprise me. This girl is textbook hot mess.
Emerald: She tells us that “the nails have to look fly at all times”. And that Topaz is not her nickname, but who she is. Huh? Yeah, she tells us she’s a chameleon, which is why she needs different gem names apparently. Emerald…Topaz… But Alec seems to have fallen in love with her so maybe she can use her gems to her advantage.
~ ~ ~
There’s a phone in the house. If/when it rings, the first houseguest to reach the phone gets a message from “Big Brother” giving them explicit and secret instructions for a challenge they must perform. Pandora’s Box, much? I hope not.
So, this phone rings. The houseguests are clueless so the self-proclaimed mama bear Suzette picks up the phone. She’s told she is the HOH and must nominate two people for eviction within the hour and she must not tell anyone. She hangs up the phone, cackles like a hyena about nobody being on the phone and then immediately paces like a paranoid freak while eating her lipgloss. Awesome.
So Suzette turns out to be the first ever HOH in Big Brother Canada history. She ends up nominating Tom and Emmett, and the two guys pledge allegiance to each other and protection of their alpha testicles. The POV is played with Suzette and the two testicles and Peter, Aneal and Gary drawn at random. The POV competition corniness seems to be on par with that of their American counterparts.
The six have to wear purple unitards with a spiked belt in an effort to pop balloons holding puzzle pieces for the win. Suzette looks like a slight crushed grape during this whole train wreck of a POV competition.
Tom wins. Liza drools while watching him the entire time. I saw steam coming out of her vaginal region.
I don’t even know if I’ll have the time to watch any of the first ever Big Brother Canada season premiering Wednesday, February 27th. But I won’t pass up an opportunity to cast my catty shadow upon the new cast by way of first impressions, judging strictly from photos and bios on Slice’s website:
Jillian (27): She’s a teacher and she went on the show for the same reason I did…out of a long-term relationship and wanting to do it to “shake up” her life. I consider this a good thing, she seems to be one of the more normal people cast. She reminds me of Rachel from BB6.
Thomas (24): He’s a “Bartender and Firefighter”, usually meaning douchebag, and in that order apparently. He says he’s “going to hide that he’s a firefighter” aka probably tell everyone he’s a firefighter within the first week. But he hates “people who put their kids on a leash” so he may have some redeeming quality in there somewhere.
Peter (26): He’s a Web Content Curator, which is fancy for “Intern” right? I kid, I kid. But he describes himself as “mean” which excites me, especially since “funny” and “outgoing” seem to be the only adjectives the rest of these people use to describe themselves. He’s a hardcore BB fan, including international versions, so I hope he doesn’t disappoint.
Talla (26): She’s an “Independent Living Support Worker and Social Work student” which CBS would probably have shortened to “Student”, but Slice seems to be just the messenger, and not the control freak CBS is. She mentions her “personal trainer” a lot which I wonder is code for “man whore”. Oh and she’s a fur with summer clothes wearer.
Suzette (36): She’s a “Support Worker, Radio Producer and Host, Motivational Speaker” and another fourteen things that wouldn’t fit in 140 characters or less. She’s a huge fan of BB US and it seems she wants to be me. Well, she wants to be “the ultimate floater”. We will see.
Danielle (20): She’s a “Student and Aspiring actress” and says, “This is a good opportunity to further my acting career.” I want her gone yesterday. She says “I’m not a bi*@h, but I can be one if I need to” which means she’s a bitch. Yay.
Aneal (21): He is a “Communications major” officially, and unofficially he fancies himself a BB anthropologist. “I hope to develop my experience into an undergraduate thesis.” I hope he has secret alliances with everyone, and nails his thesis statement by jury vote.
Emerald (27): Not to be confused with her nickname, “Topaz”, and Ruby and Sapphire and various birth stone stripper names. She’s a “Part-time dental hygienist and full-time student”. She and Danielle both hate messy people so this should be interesting.
Liza (29): She’s a “Tanning Salon Owner” who seems to be freaking out inside and on paper about turning the big 3-0 soon. She’s insanely obnoxious and cocky in her bio, and she probably also owns a dreamboard but unlike Ashley BB14, Liza would probably use her dreamboard to beat someone with. She’s got issues. I hope they surface in the house.
Anuj (32): Or ‘AJ’ as he likes to be called. He’s a “Director of Business Development” which means he’s a thinker and a talker, and he will probably annoy many people fast. He comes up with this bizarre Saved by the Bell analogy for his life. “I’m a Zach now but I’m naturally a Screech, with AC Slater’s hair. These days, I get to be with the Kellys out there.” Oh dear.
Emmett (24): He’s an adorable “Dairy farmer” who had no idea what BB was until now so he will be eaten alive and maybe even clash with all the non-dairy farmers in the house. I so hope he showmances with someone.
Kat (27): Another “Bartender” who shares nothing mind-blowing in her bio but doesn’t seem to be the worst person cast either. Meh. She’s okay. She looks a little like Natalie BB11, and I’m interested in finding out what her ethnic background is, with the last name “Yee”.
Andrew (38): He’s’ an “Insurance Sales Trainer” which means he may talk like sales-y Dan Gheesling here and there but I certainly don’t see him staging his own funeral or anything. He’s another one with no strategy going in, which is probably the best thing. And he will not show his “privates” and most likely lie about his age. Because four years makes a huge difference.
Alec (26): He’s a “Social Psychological Research/Doctoral Student” which isn’t bad as Brendon aka Mrs. Reilly, but he refers to Will Kirby as “dope”. I wish Alec and his eyebrows all the best in their aspirations to be Dr. Will. He and Kat hate people with nasal issues and I wonder if it will come up in convo. Love may be in the air.
Gary (21): He’s a “Bartender, Artist, Fashion Stylist Assistant” and it makes me wonder if half the population in Canada bartend for a living while the other half drinks? I thought he was in his 30s judging from his photo. Yikes. One gay (I think?) and he’s more like Beau BB6 than he is Kevin BB11. I prefer Kevin.
And that, my friends, are the fifteen Canadian houseguests representing the inaugural season of Big Brother Canada.
But before I end this first impressions cattiness, some superficial observations, just for fun: