Jun Dishes

WELL.  Wasn’t last night just full of good tv scheduling?! The Academy Awards…Celebrity Apprentice…Real Housewives of Atlanta… even “Hillbilly Handfishin” on Animal Planet! And to think I was six hours ahead of all of it…deep into some crazy hormonal pregnant dreams in Belgium.

But now that I’m all caught-up with last night’s episode of The Amazing Race, I can weigh-in:

It always surprises me to see just how close some of the teams finished the prior leg of the race. With all the editing on TAR, they’d have us believing anything…but then we see that Team Brenchel and Team Border Patrol were only minutes behind Team Reconnect at the end of the first leg. I thought there was a bigger time differential. But then again I also thought Team Brenchel would be ALL OVER the third choice in this episode’s Roadblock… Boil My Water, Start My Fire, or Blow Me On Livefeeds, but Brenchel ended up choosing “Boil My Water” like most of the other teams did…

So this second leg starts with all the teams jetting off with their clues only to find that they must wait until sunrise to get their next clue. How annoying. I always wonder why CBS does this. It’s like snagging the hottest guy at the bar only to find out he’s got lethal halitosis. Seriously.

Oh, and what didn’t surprise me was the welcome Team Guido got from, you guessed it, Team-of-One-Douchebag Brendon upon their arrival at the next clue”box”.  “NY in the house…we’re still alive baby!” is what Team Guido shouts and I found myself cringing because I know they do actually hail from New York like I do.

Oy. No wonder they all get along even now…I wonder how Brendon’s doing in his cancer research. Really.

TEAM CLOWNS: Speaking of cancer (which is as horrible as it sounds as it is to type it), we learn at the start of this episode that Dave is a two-time Hodgkin’s disease survivor and has been cancer-free since 2001.  I’m sure the producers were saving this piece of information for later but given the fact that these two were eliminated, of course, fed this to us now.

The whole “a watched pot never boils” turning their backs on their kettle was cute.  And although they were annoying, I can’t say I’m surprised that they were eliminated.

Dave and Cherie sucked at TAR but they really win in life for the love and respect they have in marriage.  Did you see how patient Team Clowns were with each other despite the fact that they just couldn’t get their shit together?!    Team Brenchel could learn LOTS from them.

Here’s to Dave living cancer-free and getting to where these two are.

TEAM KENTUCKY: Was I the only one impressed that they were the first to grab the clue from “Chasqui” (WTF is a chasqui?!)?! Honestly, I think it’s because Mark stood out to the poor dude on the donkey considering he’s the tall-AND-ONLY-BLACK-MAN of the TAR group. Whatevs.  Work what you got, right? They finish this leg in a very very respectable THIRD place.  And just to show you all how mature I can be, I’m not even gonna rip them apart for teaming up with Team Brenchel at the cow-math challenge. Hmph.

TEAM BRENCHEL: Okay, maturity is out the window again so I can get down to what happened with this twosome.  That was short-lived.

So…Brendouche steals the clue out of Team Border Patrol’s hands as the chasqui is handing it over and thus starts the drama between these two teams.

We hear Art say to JJ “He’s a UCLA student what do you expect?” about Brendouche.

And we learn their nickname for Team Brenchel is simply “Big Brother”.  Good to know.

Team Brenchel continue the race and it’s déjà vu with Rachel whining things like “I’m sorry I’m not good at this, I’m sorry I’m just a girl…”and ““You know I’m not smart as you!” and other pro-Santorum sentiments that make me wish she had been a child of the 1950s.

I wonder if Rachel knows who Betty Friedan is…or that “The Feminine Mystique” is not a douche (like Brendon) but a gift to society disguised as a book.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t take long before the duck-lipped crying dramatics-and-bickering-then-publicly-apologizing begins for Team Brenchel, including an intermission during which Rachel let’s Brendon know “You have a booger on your nose” to which he responds “Oh, okay, thank you” and wipes said booger off with his hand.

Um, Phil, if you’re reading…please get yourself a gallon of hand sanitizer. STAT.

Sigh.  Despite everything Team Brenchel finishes this leg in FOURTH. Nicely done. And it looks like next week we get to see some real drama between Rachel, watermelons and Vanessa of Team Divorcees. Can’t wait.

TEAM FEMFEDS: So these two ladies are still in danger of being renamed “Team Forgettable”, because, well, they’re forgettable.  They seem to be keeping up their charades as “teachers”, having added “kindergarten” to their lie. Not that it matters. Even if they did “reveal” that they’re federal agents, I don’t think anyone would believe them at this point anyway with Jamie throwing out one-liners like “It’s hotter than…shenanigans”. Really Jamie, that’s the best you’ve got? No f-bombs? Although you did remind me of “Waiting”…and I did enjoy watching that movie, twice. You came in SIXTH at the end of this episode. You still live. But you got lucky because the the bus ahead of you ended up delayed two hours. Step it up ladies!

TEAM RECONNECT: So Blonde Rachel and her hubby start out and end VERY STRONG again this episode, finishing in FIRST yet again.  We get a glimpse into some of their issues with the whole “reconnect”ing thing as they have some kindergarten dialogue. “Is it worth being Crabby Pants about it?” asks Rachel and Dave replies, “I’m not being Crabbypants.” Riveting, I know.   But yet again, there’s some inter-agency cooperation between them and Team Border Patrol and they help each other at the cow-math challenge.  And coming in first scores Team Reconnect a vacation, which will happen when they’re onto Operation Reconnect After Reconnecting.

TEAM BORDER PATROL: I’m happy to report that Art and JJ have done nothing this episode to fall from grace. They are still my favs.  Not only did they smug-honk at Team Brenchel as they left them in the dust to boil their precious water…but they even teamed up with Team Reconnect again leaving Rachel behind at the cow-math challenge.

They did get off to a rough start choosing “Start My Fire” while EVERY OTHER TEAM chose “Boil My Water” but again you could see how much these two complemented each other when Art was calming down JJ.  Like, JJ, dude…relax. Don’t be such a Rachel (Big Brother Rachel not Hobbit Rachel).

TEAM DIVORCEES: What ERA are these guys in? I mean, I like them and all…they definitely have a stronger relationship than Team Brenchel have (I know, setting the bar pretty low) but “Schnikeys!” by Ralph followed by “son of a monkey’s uncle” from Vanessa really have me questioning them.  Another thing I question is how Ralph chooses to depict the number three using his fingers. But I suppose it’s better than using his thumb, index and ring fingers.

Yes. I’m a freak. I noticed.

Vanessa…make it a good fight with Rachel next week and you can redeem yourself and your fingered-Ralph.  And try to do better than SEVENTH at the end of the next leg please. Thanks.

TEAM GUIDO: Um, yeah. So…you finished in EIGHTH after this leg, which is a step-up from last week I suppose.

Dude…Danny…perhaps instead of making fun of “The Situation” and calling yourself “The Solution” you should actually come up with a solution as to how you cab move faster and get further ahead in the race. Though you did make the right decision teaming up with Team Brothers to leave Mr. Clown back at the corral. You didn’t need to but it was still the right move.

And aside from your budding bromance with Brendouche and cutting yourself during the “Boil My Water” challenge you two were pretty much the same song-and-dance.

Zzz…

TEAM BROTHERS: Okay…so how’s the professional musician and his professional athlete brother doing? Not so good eh? You two finished NINTH this leg of the race. Like, BEHIND Team Guido.  Yeah, yeah, I’m happy for Andrew that he got to meet and get a little ball-play-action with whoever that dude was standing with Phil greeting everyone at the Pit Stop.

Though now I am curious as to who that soccer-ball-holding guy was…it was apparent he was thrilled that SOMEONE had recognized him.

It was really rather cute actually. Anyone out there know who this dude is?

TEAM COUSINS: You ladies, like Team FemFeds, got lucky with the bus situation and it helped propel you to FIFTH at the end of this leg of the race.

I believe it’s because you helped Team Guido out at the “Boil The Water” challenge by telling them where to put their missing screw (no pun intended here, really).  You even got to reapply your makeup on the bus ride. Nice!

But seriously, WTF was that little (literal) song and dance you did for Phil? Please tell me you’re not planning to do that for the remaining legs.

I can’t. No. I can’t. You have to stop that kind of shit.

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It’s nearly 1am now in Belgium…and I find myself wide awake after finishing this blog…partly because the baby is kicking up a storm in my belly and partly because all this snarky writing has jarred me awake. Sigh. Until next week…

Confession: I’ve never watched an entire season of The Amazing Race (“TAR”) before.

It’s not that I don’t find TAR to be a fascinating show, but it’s just so “clean” compared to the dirty summer pleasure (and host of) Big Brother…or even Survivor, which can be scandalous depending on the season.

Case in point, this new season of TAR we start with all the teams INCLUDING Phil Keoghan on bicycles.

How cool is that?!

Good old Phil risks a bad spill that could crush his nuts in a second, meanwhile Jeff Probst makes a living avoiding sweaty pit-stains in whatever tropical location he’s in and Chenbot all but risks papercuts from those stupid cue cards she’s attached to.

Phil is THE MAN.

But enough about the hosts, let’s get on to the 11 teams of two as they go from Santa Barbara, CA to Santa Barbara, Argentina!

I don’t know about you, but I found myself giving each pair their own nicknames just to make things easier for myself as follows:

TEAM CLOWNS: The married couple (Dave and Cherie).

They give us the an-NOYYYY-ing high-pitched-and-loud “Ringling Brothers and Barnum & BAIIIIIIII-ley Circus” spiel in their “Meet the Cast” video and in the promos and then yes, in the “intro” of the premiere.

They also like to speak in unison.

This makes me want them to crazy glue their mouths shut.

I’m sure they’re nice people and all, but watching her FREAKING CRY in the first 20 minutes of the race just because they’re the last ones to get in their car once they arrive in Argentina was just unacceptable. However, they finish EIGHTH out of the 10 remaining teams at the end of the episode and she’s certainly not crying then. Ugh.

TEAM KENTUCKY: Consist of Bopper (the white guy) and Mark.

I don’t even want to know how Bopper got his name. Among some of the definitions/origins provided by UrbanDictionary, a bopper is:

- “someone who makes ugly ass kissy-faces and are myspace whores” or

- “a female that gives oral pleasure regularly”.

Enough said, yes?  But I love these guys!

Not only did they win me over in their intro video:

Plus, they’re blowing my mind with all the secret code aka Southern slang/lingo/speak.  For example: “There’s no if and uppems about it, “ and oh,  Mark’s “baking like a soupbean (I think?!?!?!)  in a pot of taters” right before he barfs out the car window, clearest sound effects in the history of television and all.

And after having watched the intro video we know that Bopper’s got a 7-year old daughter in very poor health and hell, I’d rather see the money got to Team Kentucky than any other team. Besides, they own a real one of those dinner bell triangle thingies and I think that’s SO cool.

Never mind Brenchel being on TAR, I think Bopper and Mike are pretty freaking entertaining in their own right. Especially when they’re doing the  ”badonkadonk” dance describing the cousins from Mississipi (Team Cousins).   They finish in NINTH place behind the clowns so I hope they advance further next leg. I really want them to stick around.

TEAM ASIAN PORN: AKA the “sisters” Misa and Maiya.

They’re super hot and they super know it and they do the super annoying “Hi, I’m Misa…” and “I’m Maiya” cutesy japanimation-fetish voice they’ve perfected over the years (trust me, I know, I can do the same voice according to my hubby…when I need/want something, apparently). I’d probably scratch my ears bloody if I was locked in a room with them and their whiny valley girl voices. I wouldn’t mind, however, being locked in a room with them and well…anyway…they really remind me of these hot asian twins I once saw (watched really) on the internet…yeah…anyway…so…I think they’re really hot, basically.

Something else I watched on the internet…their intro video:

So as if “hustling guys out of their money” on the golf course is synonymous with doing well in TAR, we see these two sisters SUCK from the get-go and not surprisingly, get ELIMINATED. And they lose in the worst way, it takes them an hour and 44 minutes to find the first clue making them LAST to start the leg…then brain-surgeon-golfer Maiya drives the car into a quicksand (not really, but imagining it is great)…

…then they they get all cocky making empanadas because they “make gyoza, which are like chinese wontons, all the time” only to get to the end and pass RIGHT BY cutie-pie Phil and knock each other over like bowling pins, only to end up DEAD LAST anyway.

FAIL.

Goodbye.

I will miss getting eye-boners looking at the two of you. As I’m sure many others also will.

I can’t be alone in this, right?

Oh, and that freaky wanna-see-my-naked-peen Keith from BB13 wants his flowers back.

All of them.

TEAM BRENCHEL: With whom I have the opposite-of-pleasure of sharing the title of “Big Brother Alum”, Brendon and Rachel.

Just in case it’s unclear, Brendon’s the one on the left in the picture shown…yes, I realize he’s wearing the same green shirt he wore in his once-public-now-private-apology-for-cheating-video to Rachel about a year ago. But I’m sure he’s wearing a different shirt.  Anyway, they’re engaged now and he’s a totally changed person striving day and night to cure cancer.

And although Rachel’s bedazzled wardrobe hasn’t changed much, SHE has… especially after having won the last season of Big Brother, she’s learned to swap out the word “man” for other things (i.e. Nobody comes between me and my “million dollars”) and also perfected her eye squint to accompany her pouty duck lips so that she can impersonate Kim Jong-un on a whim.

Now if we could just get that little North Korean bastard in some sequins…

But back to TAR…Brenchel start the race out strong and finish the first leg strong and currently find themselves in SECOND place. Nicely done. And kudos to Rachel for manning up and jumping out of the plane. Though I hope someone’s taught Rachel the difference between an empanada (that you eat) and an empiñata (that you beat).

And also…another one of my hopes is that someone’s reviewed with Rachel how wrong and now-wise her repeated “How smart and street-wise we are…” was in their intro video:

TEAM FEMFEDS: The two female federal agents (who will say they’re teachers), Nary and Jamie (the blonde), according to their intro video.

I want to like them, I do.

But there’s something so OFF about them in a Maya Rudolph/Kristen Wigg in “Bridesmaids” kinda way.  Except, they’re not as funny. Jamie saying she “likes cake” is the best she do for comedic value.  Oy.

I don’t know how far they will make it this season… and I thought their awkwardness would outweigh everything, but I think they’re more forgettable than they are awkward. Nevertheless, they finish a strong FOURTH.

TEAM RECONNECT: The other married couple in the race, Dave and the other Rachel in the race.

Um, they’ve been married for two years, a year of which he spent in Iraq (until 5 months before TAR) and THIS is the “time and opportunity to be with one another” they choose. Yeah. Instead of maybe relaxing on a beach somewhere or starting a vegetable garden in their yard at home. Like, hello, forget about Operation Amazing Race…howz about “Operation Private Time”?!

Clearly you need it judging from your intro video:

Incidentally, I think Dave’s a pretty hot dude and she’s just, meh.

Although they finish the first leg in FIRST place scoring the “Express Pass” (which they must use before the 8th tribal council, um, leg) from Phil.

But really, she has no right calling the other Rachel ” Green sparkles…like Shamrock from Rainbow Brite” when she herself kinda looks like a hobbit.

But whatevs.

Maybe if I meet her one day I’ll tell her there IS NO “Shamrock” character from Rainbow Brite.

Then I’ll ask if she was referring to Patty the Girl or Lucky the Sprite.

Probably Patty…since Patty  can play both oboe and the flute (ahem, have we forgotten Rachel playing Brendon’s skin flute all last summer?)

TEAM BROTHERS: And not only are Elliot (long hair) and Andrew brothers, they are twins.

We’re informed by them, during their intro video, that “Even though we’re twins and we are a lot alike, there are many differences.”

Um, newsflash, I don’t think anyone’s believed twins are one in the same person since, at least, 1924.

Elliot seems to have some issues as he reiterates to us that he is a professional musician while his brother is a professional athlete (not to be confused with musician) and that therefore, they both have professional careers. (Translation: Our parents think Andrew is cooler than me.)

Nevertheless, they finish in SIXTH place after the leg. But I will note they were first to find their clue and were first at the start of the leg. Tsk, tsk, tsk boys…you fell five places throughout the course of the first episode!  And it really is too bad that Team Asian Porn had to go already…I was really hoping that these guys would try to get with them so we could get some TAR porn music up and running. Sigh.

TEAM GUIDO: This duo consists of Joey “Fitness” and Danny.

These two seem to have been manufactured at Typecast Central, which is right next to the Hantz Troll Manufacturing Factory if you’re curious.

And watching their intro video I can’t help but imagine the high-fives TAR casting were sharing when they found Joey and Danny.

Way too GTL-Jersey=Shore-mold. And they met in a “circle/dance battle”. OMG. I wish they had met in a fight club instead.

Notice how Joey said he “basically” owns a supplement company but a personal trainer.  Translation: He probably does something that’s not reported to the IRS.

I will note that somewhere between finding their first clue in the balloons and getting to LAX for their flight, they must have gotten lost because they dropped from second to SEVENTH place after missing the first flight out of Cali.

Then Joey’s left standing there with his cannoli his hand (with Misa, whose sis is stuck in sand a mile away) because it turns out Danny can’t drive stick to get to him. Wow.

So after starting the leg off in second place they end up in TENTH place, just ahead of Team Asian Porn by some 40 seconds.

TEAM BORDER PATROL: I think these are my favs, Art and JJ (full head of hair).

Even if they use “bang-bang” as a noun in their intro video, I like JJ and Art…right away, they have really good rapport and it’s clear they will work well together.

Sure, their “we’re shower curtain salesmen” strategy goes out the window since they hook up with Team Reconnect in inter-agency (army/border patrol/corny) harmony.

Yeah. Team Border Patrol’s cool in my book. Plus, they call themselves “gringos” while begging the “Empanada Nazi” for mercy at the pit stop.

In the end they come in THIRD, which is a great finish for the first leg…considering it took them forever to find the first clue. Clearly, those in “law enforcement” have an easier to time maneuvering vehicles to the airport. Don’t let me down boys! Brendon hates you and that make me love you more!

TEAM COUSINS: Kerri (afro) and Stacy, but I think Kerri has the stronger personality.

Their intro video was uber annoying, with all that high-fiving and screeching “double trouble” in unison.

Their claims to fame are bossing people around and the “Kerri-Stacy” stare-down. How utterly endeating.

And, oh yeah, Kerri’s ‘fro is so big you can hide a tractor behind it. This may come in handy later in case they need to hide a clue box from the other teams.

Although I did like how Stacy pulled through and jumped out of the plane for her kids…saying into the camera “if mommy can do this, you can do anything!”.

That was kinda sweet.

They finish SEVENTH overall after this first leg bringing great badonkadonk joy to Team Kentucky.

So I’d say they’ve earned their keep.

TEAM DIVORCEES: We meet Vanessa and Ralph, and I haven’t figured out which one is the one so opposed to “rushing” into marriage.

Clearly one wants to marry and one doesn’t.   But they tell us they want to “keep the racing to around the world and not down the aisle”.

Okay. I believe you.

Not.

Vanessa is a bitch apparently. But I like her already.

And I liked her even more after watching previews of upcoming episodes where she makes Rachel whinecry.

They finish a very respectable FIFTH and are about the only team who pronounces “empanadas” correctly.

And so ends out first taste of this new season of The Amazing Race, which incidentally, is called “Peking Express” here in Belgium.  But I’m not into the reality shows here. Clearly. I’m still stuck on my American reality junk…