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Big Brother 18 – Power Rankings #1

BB

Enough cryptic life shit.

I’m watching Big Brother again this summer, #BB18.

Frank Eudy is back.

Upon entering the house by jumping out of suitcases, Frank and three other second-timers from different seasons, were all afforded a second chance to win.

Julie Chen dramatically forced everyone all at once, to listen to her big news…this summer would start as a team sport. News of this had already spread like wildfire on social media for weeks, but we all pretended as fans to be collectively wowed. The television-only viewing audience was definitely wowed.

Back to Frank…

Frank

By Random Draw, Frank was magically the first to hand-pick a member for his team, in schoolyard pick. It is why I have nicknamed him By Random Draw.

Da’Vonne Rogers, James Huling and Nicole Franzel are the other other returnees, and they also got “team protection.”

I hated the idea at first, teams…

But I did blog once in 2013 about a new twist where I’d like to see one “mandatory” open alliance from day one. This team stuff CBS gave us the season? I’ll take it for now. It seems to mean nothing to the HGs right now anyway. Though I hope this changes soon…

Because if you play a nearly flawless game it shouldn’t matter whether you start in teams or individually anyway. We all know it will get down to an individual game when production sees fit. Maybe this year they’ll steal from Survivor and give us some form of actual immunity idol that By Random Draw will draw week-to-week and forevermore.

We started out the season with a great blindside. When the house blindsided The Three Stooges on my season, it was delicious. Just like Jozea’s blindside was last week.

Week-2 Alliances BB18

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Power Rankings #1

Team Unicorn: JamesNatalieBronteVictor

Such a lame stupid name. The stupidest of the four, but then again, the team is led by James. For stupidest team name, everyone on this team starts off with -150 points.

James

JAMES: Why are you back (0 points)? Final Tally: -150 points

Bronte

BRONTE: Why are you “Wifey Spy?” Fuck no. I want to marry Natalie, not you. And you are far from wifely material, what with your ranting about sending James “back to Hong Kong” (-100 points). I don’t even like him that much but that’s fucked up. Maybe if you’d focused faster and more on your social game then you wouldn’t have gone “there” and you wouldn’t be sitting on the block now (-50 points). One more comment like that and you may enter BB15 territory. You’re not as cute as Aaryn Gries, so you won’t be worshipped like she was undeservedly post-show, by way too many people. But I do like your raw trainwreck-y diary rooms (+150 points) and how your wheels actually turn about the game (+100 points). And when you told Paul to basically STFU and stop being a sexist pig, you won some points (+100 points). Oh, your new and improved strategy to “not trust one single boy in the house” sounds very mature and forward-thinking *sarcasm* (-50 points). Play more like a woman and not like a girl. Final Tally: 0 points

Natalie

NATALIE: You say you’re “sitting there sweating bullets” yet I have never looked half as good as you when I’m sweating anything. It’s very hard for me not to objectify you because I find you quite attractive (+100 points), but it did scare me watching you presumably wiping makeup off in the bathroom (-50 points). YOU WEAR SO MUCH MAKEUP. But whatever. I’m not mildly obsessed or anything, maybe. It’s your face. I sound like Victor don’t I? Oh, but you’re right. You truly “are officially the underdogs of the house.” That’s okay though, because I tend to root for the underdogs (+100 points). I need you to be more helpful to Bronte though, otherwise you will be considered a coattail rider sooner or later. But for now you haven’t made yourself a target so that’s good (+100 points). “Flirty Spy” seems to be working for you. Nobody is really gunning for you. Final Tally: +100 points

Vic

VICTOR: You uttered the words “fair game” in the diary room (-50 points). Who determines what’s fair in Big Brother? Certainly not you. Even CBS hasn’t figured that out yet. Just abide by the contract you signed and the rest is fair game. You don’t want a girl to win? Because your level of emotional maturity is that low? Not good (-50 points). Finance degree or not, social game is key to getting that money in the bank in the first place. But thank you for being so very nice to look at (+200 points). You’re sitting on the block by association by bad self-awareness (-50 points). And geez, you flipped so fast after Jozea was evicted basically bending over for the returnees. Telling everyone right away that you won Roadkill, after you won Roadkill (+100 points)? Not good (-50 points). I don’t want you to go. Sigh. Final Tally: -50 points.

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Big Sister: Da’VonneJozeaPaulZakiyah:

Stupid team name, again. -100 points to everyone on this team.

DaVonne2

DA’VONNE: I love you I do (+50 points) and I’m sincerely happy for you that you get another tearful chance to win the prize money for Cadence (+100 points). But girl…it seems like you’re trying to go for the BB Meme And Gif Hall Of Fame more than anything else this season (-50 points). But you’re still entertaining as fuck (+100 points). It’s week two and you’re not getting evicted, so that’s major improvement from last season. I know, it’s a low bar to set but it’s all we have. Please work on your happy face when you’re talking to people you don’t like or believe (-50 points). You cannot flop this season. As your Korean virtual mother I forbid you. But your kissing Jozea’s photo once it went black and white had me dying laughing (+50 points). If you make final two with Zakiyah I will fly you and Cadence out to Belgium for a visit with me. That is all. Final Tally: +100 points

Jozea

JOZEA (EVICTED): You are currently drowning somewhere in some faux celebrity river, with Glenn dead in the water floating face-down by you. Jozea. You were THE FIRST (REAL) EVICTEE. Because let’s face it…Glenn doesn’t count. He didn’t exactly get Jodi’d, but that’s what it was in different packaging. Yes, this is supposed to be about you, Jozea, of “My word is my word,” and “Scenarios is scenarios,” fame. Because apparently that is the depth of your critical thinking. This is this. That is that. Jozea. Your delusions of grandeur were fucking fantastic fun to follow and make fun of. Glenn Who?

Paul

PAUL: “The Big Brother universe hates me at this point.” No. It hates everyone equally, Paul. You’re not special. But good for you for taking yourself off the block last week (+100 points) although you really were responsible for getting yourself on the block in the first place (-50 points). You pet your beardfro when you’re nervous, and you liken yourself to Godzilla…let alone you’re not afraid to refer to yourself as Godzilla, publicly. You’re the self-proclaimed black sheep of the family who takes delight in being the black sheep, which screams: you have lots to prove. I should know. You are so rough around the edges but I like you more than Jozea, which is a very low bar to measure up to. But it’s something (+50 points). But you should knock off calling anyone a little Korean or little anything, because you are one of the few very short men in the house, especially when Jozea comes back after beating Glenn. Final Tally: 0 points

zakiyah

ZAKIYAH: Why are you so hot? (+200 points). You have Da’Vonne and Paulie as shields. I love it. Final Tally: +100 points

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Freakazoids: NicoleCoreyGlennTiffany

Annoying name but whatever. -50 points to all.

Nicole

NICOLE: Even when you’re happy you sound unhappy. It’s a true talent (+50 points), and also annoying as fuck (-100 points). You’re a nurse, but if you came to treat me in the emergency room I’d get anxious listening to you. I’d ask for another nurse. But I don’t mind watching your hot mess of a self on the show (+50 points). It’s quite entertaining. (+50 points). I never watched your season and I don’t hate you (+50 points). Final Tally: +50 points

Corey

COREY: You need to make like your picture above and keep your mouth closed and smiling ever so slightly. It’s your best look (+50 points). It’s your only decent look (-50 points). So stop talking. Stop watching men shower. As a matter of fact close your eyes so you’re not even tempted to. And don’t ever set fires to animals ever again (-100 points) or we will find you. We will hunt you down and your trash friends down. I’ve never heard of peppermint bark before you told us about it and its “life-changing” qualities. But it sounds terrible. You’d better redeem yourself and soon, buddy. Final Tally: -150 points

Glenn

GLENN (EVICTED/GLENNED): I’m using your stock photo. Just go home. Unless the buyback comp is mental, I don’t see how you will outlast all the young bucks exiting the house. You probably have Trump rallies back at home to get back to anyway.

TiffTIFFANY: You are Vanessa 2.0 in so many ways (-50 points) yet you are not her too (+50 points). It’s freaking me out watching you and having to consciously tell myself you’re not Vanessa. Even though I know you’re not. And how can you suck so bad at math in that Roadkill comp (-50 points)? What kind of high school do you teach at?! Final Tally: -100 points

TiffanyTrippy.

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Category 4: FrankBridgetteMichellePaulie

Sad, but the best name of the four teams. Kudos on that at least. It may be the best thing these people did all summer. +50 points.

ByRandomDraw

FRANK: Frank, Frank, Frank…you have aged like a bear. I don’t even know what that means really. You’ve definitely still got your big butt (+50 points), but your game still sucks (-300 points). If you can’t even keep track of all the fake alliances you’ve made then you are actually your biggest pain in the ass. I’m just here to agitate it. But I think Corey wants to agitate your ass more than I do. And kudos to you for publicly confessing that you have hemorrhoids (+50 points) and how you must tend to them and nurse them every so gently with your fingers (+50 points), as you not so gently rebuffed Corey’s voyeurism (+100 points). You said it gave you weird feelings having him watch you. It’s good to talk about feelings (+50 points). Hemorrhoids kills. Well, maybe not, but I’m not a doctor. Final Tally: :+50 points

Bridgette

BRIDGETTE: How old are you? This isn’t pre-teen pageant girl scout camp (-100 points). Women have advanced farther than you are playing but whatevs, you were typecast and you’re playing your role (+100 points). Do what you gotta do sister. If they let you win by swinging side to side like Shirley Temple until your tassels poke an eye out, then do you. I saw a porn once called “Spunky Spice” and it was all about a girl getting spunk all over her face. This has nothing to do with you except your name is Spunky Spice in your alliance. Good job surviving eviction last week (+50 points) even though your bad decisions got you outed as a spy and nommed in the first place (-50 points). But you survived because you’re quite insignificant in the game right now. That’s not a bad thing (+50 points). But this may change. And if it doesn’t then that’s okay too. Sigh. I know you miss your dad, but your kinda crush on Frank is a little weird because it just is. Stop it (-50 points). Final Tally: +50 points

Michelle

MICHELLE: You need to not let the sun turn you into carcinogen (-50 points). You need to not compare Bridgette to me (-50 points). You need to not say bad things about “fat people” unless you have a thoughtful solution to your rudeness (-50 points). But so far you’re laying around eating junk food and hating yourself, basically living out your BB dream, so I’m happy for you (+50 points). You would sell your soul for safety in the house, or the last bag of potato chips, whichever comes at the right time. I love it (+50 points). Final Tally: 0 points

PAulie

PAULIE: You’re HOH (+50 points) after surviving last week’s eviction (+50 points) after going spread eagle for the returnees right away (-50 points), and still losing to Paul in the POV (-50 points) but then you won POV this week (+50 points), but you are beasting out so early (-50 points). Though you would have been a target anyway so at least you’re killing comps (+100 points) and making the best of friends especially in one very hot Zakiyah (+50 points). If you marry her later I will come back and add +5,000 points to this blog. Final Tally: +200 points

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Power Rankings High:GroupLeft

Two beautiful black women in the BB house.

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Power Rankings Low:GroupRight

Frank holding on to his nuts the entire live show.

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Power Rankings Tradition:

PenisHead

They gave Julie dickhead. Sigh.

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 Standings

(I took the liberty of adding some penalties)

PowerRankings1

Congratulations Paulie.

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother 14: Ranking Autographs

DanIanFrankSuperpass

As you all know, I write for Reality Nation and I love it.   There come perks with every job, both great and small, especially working for a Reality TV website as both a fan and writer. Regardless of the fact that I’m like a kid on Christmas morning anytime I see mail from the U.S., I was excited to see what Chelsia Hart had sent me from work.

Most recently I received, in the mail, autographed photos from five Big Brother 14 houseguests.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are the first BB alum autographs I’ve received since I won my own season. Because I’ve never asked for anyone’s autograph, really. But these were a surprise and I appreciate the fact that Chelsia got Shane, Danielle, Dan, Ian and Frank to do it.  And after a summer of saying my peace through blog, even before the Big Brother season started, the little messages above the signatures were what I loved best about the photos I got.

And so, in Power Rankings form, let’s break down the autographs just for fun:

DANIELLE: Penmanship: 40 out of 50 // Message: 40 out of 50 // Total Score80 out of 100

You are the last person I ever thought I’d be ranking so high, but alas, it’s your autograph that scores highest here.

Your “round” handwriting, that I always found common in the most annoying of young girls, is easy to read and autograph-friendly.  “Hey Jun! Thanks for being you! :)” was your message to me.  I’m impressed. That’s probably the most diplomatic and fool-proof line one could use before a signature. I can appreciate that. Especially after an entire summer during which I shred you to Big Brother pieces, you refrained from accusing me of being jealous of you and your awesomeness. Carry on.

I hope post-BB life is treating you well.  I’m sure you had a lot of explaining to do to a lot of people.  But just remember, those who know you best need no explanation.

IAN: Penmanship: 30 out of 50 // Message: 40 out of 50 // Total Score70 out of 100

Just when I thought I couldn’t find you more endearing, you go ahead and give me more fuel to add to the Team Ian fire.  I love that you sign your name like something out of Napoleon Dynamite, but more than that you admit to being hungover.

“THANKS JUN! (I AM WAY HUNGOVER RIGHT NOW)” is your message to me and I admire the way you spaced the word “hungover” out all over the right margin. I couldn’t be happier that you won, and not just because it makes Dan “Runner-Up” next to you on the page.

Too cute.

I hope you’re finishing out school and getting pot legalized and all that other great stuff you were doing pre-BB14.  You must.

And do update us on that girl you were crushing on back at school and whether or not your stint on television has changed the status of said crush at all? Thanks.

DAN: Penmanship: 25 out of 50 // Message: 30 out of 50 // Total Score55 out of 100

You are an ALL CAPS user.  This does not surprise me as you seem to speak in ALL CAPS too.  I’m just grateful I didn’t get an invoice along with your autograph.  I know you must be itching to charge me.

“JUN, THANKS FOR THE HATE THIS SEASON.  WHAT SEASON DID YOU FLOAT…I MEAN WIN ON?” was your message.  How very original. Loved the #JustKidding hashtag following your signature though.  A sign of Twitter times and your perpetual passive-agression.

I did appreciate your shout-out on the live feeds this season, asking me to go easy on you in my blogs.  I now know that was code for “Please RSVP to my funeral.” Thanks for all the material with which to blog about you this past summer.

I now have enough Dan material to last me a Big Brother lifetime.  Meaning, you don’t need to go on another season of BB ever again, but I know you will if you’re offered. Right?

SHANE: Penmanship: 30 out of 50 // Message: 10 out of 50 // Total Score: 40 out of 100

Oh Shane.  I was happy to see that you weren’t in pink in your photo.  Not that I have anything against pink, but I watched you strut in pink all summer and so I appreciated the bright yellow in your photo.  “THANKS FOR BEING A BITCH AND SELF CENTERED!!” was your message to me. Well, you’re welcome I guess. And I see you’ve managed to sell all your eBay items post-BB. BigSoftTeddy on eBay you may be, you’re still just the ambiguously gay dude from BB14 to me.

Thanks for making me laugh this past summer, and for making me laugh even now as I read your bitchy little message to me.  It’s okay.  I can take what I dish.

Hope all is well in Vermont.  Enjoy your holidays. They are a premium after leaving the confines of the BB house. Will you have Danielle there with you for the holidays?

FRANK: Penmanship: 10 out of 50 // Message: 10 out of 50 // Total Score20 out of 100

Frank Frank Frank…  Shame on you coming in last in this ranking.  I though you’d have a better autograph than this considering who your dad is and all.

“Jun, you’re a Caddy Bitch!” was your message to me and I imagine you meant “catty” bitch but who am I to rob you of a golf reference. I’m thrilled you used “you’re” and not “your” or even “ur”, even if your handwriting is right out of a serial killer’s note.

I preesh the “Preesh” after your name though. “Frank Preesh” is most definitely an alternative to a proper signature.  Danielle’s and Ian’s are way too easy to forge.  Good thinking on your part on that one. Right.

What would Nana say about your calling me a caddy bitch?!  What is a caddy bitch? Aren’t caddies all somebody’s bitch, essentially? Preesh.

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If my math is wrong, i know you’ll let me know.  If I am wrong, I already know you know.  But please do leave me a colorful comment below!

Always dishing,

Jun