Jun Dishes

verb/diSH/ : food or sex or gossip or fiction in real life

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Big Brother 14: Ranking Autographs

DanIanFrankSuperpass

As you all know, I write for Reality Nation and I love it.   There come perks with every job, both great and small, especially working for a Reality TV website as both a fan and writer. Regardless of the fact that I’m like a kid on Christmas morning anytime I see mail from the U.S., I was excited to see what Chelsia Hart had sent me from work.

Most recently I received, in the mail, autographed photos from five Big Brother 14 houseguests.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are the first BB alum autographs I’ve received since I won my own season. Because I’ve never asked for anyone’s autograph, really. But these were a surprise and I appreciate the fact that Chelsia got Shane, Danielle, Dan, Ian and Frank to do it.  And after a summer of saying my peace through blog, even before the Big Brother season started, the little messages above the signatures were what I loved best about the photos I got.

And so, in Power Rankings form, let’s break down the autographs just for fun:

DANIELLE: Penmanship: 40 out of 50 // Message: 40 out of 50 // Total Score80 out of 100

You are the last person I ever thought I’d be ranking so high, but alas, it’s your autograph that scores highest here.

Your “round” handwriting, that I always found common in the most annoying of young girls, is easy to read and autograph-friendly.  “Hey Jun! Thanks for being you! :)” was your message to me.  I’m impressed. That’s probably the most diplomatic and fool-proof line one could use before a signature. I can appreciate that. Especially after an entire summer during which I shred you to Big Brother pieces, you refrained from accusing me of being jealous of you and your awesomeness. Carry on.

I hope post-BB life is treating you well.  I’m sure you had a lot of explaining to do to a lot of people.  But just remember, those who know you best need no explanation.

IAN: Penmanship: 30 out of 50 // Message: 40 out of 50 // Total Score70 out of 100

Just when I thought I couldn’t find you more endearing, you go ahead and give me more fuel to add to the Team Ian fire.  I love that you sign your name like something out of Napoleon Dynamite, but more than that you admit to being hungover.

“THANKS JUN! (I AM WAY HUNGOVER RIGHT NOW)” is your message to me and I admire the way you spaced the word “hungover” out all over the right margin. I couldn’t be happier that you won, and not just because it makes Dan “Runner-Up” next to you on the page.

Too cute.

I hope you’re finishing out school and getting pot legalized and all that other great stuff you were doing pre-BB14.  You must.

And do update us on that girl you were crushing on back at school and whether or not your stint on television has changed the status of said crush at all? Thanks.

DAN: Penmanship: 25 out of 50 // Message: 30 out of 50 // Total Score55 out of 100

You are an ALL CAPS user.  This does not surprise me as you seem to speak in ALL CAPS too.  I’m just grateful I didn’t get an invoice along with your autograph.  I know you must be itching to charge me.

“JUN, THANKS FOR THE HATE THIS SEASON.  WHAT SEASON DID YOU FLOAT…I MEAN WIN ON?” was your message.  How very original. Loved the #JustKidding hashtag following your signature though.  A sign of Twitter times and your perpetual passive-agression.

I did appreciate your shout-out on the live feeds this season, asking me to go easy on you in my blogs.  I now know that was code for “Please RSVP to my funeral.” Thanks for all the material with which to blog about you this past summer.

I now have enough Dan material to last me a Big Brother lifetime.  Meaning, you don’t need to go on another season of BB ever again, but I know you will if you’re offered. Right?

SHANE: Penmanship: 30 out of 50 // Message: 10 out of 50 // Total Score: 40 out of 100

Oh Shane.  I was happy to see that you weren’t in pink in your photo.  Not that I have anything against pink, but I watched you strut in pink all summer and so I appreciated the bright yellow in your photo.  “THANKS FOR BEING A BITCH AND SELF CENTERED!!” was your message to me. Well, you’re welcome I guess. And I see you’ve managed to sell all your eBay items post-BB. BigSoftTeddy on eBay you may be, you’re still just the ambiguously gay dude from BB14 to me.

Thanks for making me laugh this past summer, and for making me laugh even now as I read your bitchy little message to me.  It’s okay.  I can take what I dish.

Hope all is well in Vermont.  Enjoy your holidays. They are a premium after leaving the confines of the BB house. Will you have Danielle there with you for the holidays?

FRANK: Penmanship: 10 out of 50 // Message: 10 out of 50 // Total Score20 out of 100

Frank Frank Frank…  Shame on you coming in last in this ranking.  I though you’d have a better autograph than this considering who your dad is and all.

“Jun, you’re a Caddy Bitch!” was your message to me and I imagine you meant “catty” bitch but who am I to rob you of a golf reference. I’m thrilled you used “you’re” and not “your” or even “ur”, even if your handwriting is right out of a serial killer’s note.

I preesh the “Preesh” after your name though. “Frank Preesh” is most definitely an alternative to a proper signature.  Danielle’s and Ian’s are way too easy to forge.  Good thinking on your part on that one. Right.

What would Nana say about your calling me a caddy bitch?!  What is a caddy bitch? Aren’t caddies all somebody’s bitch, essentially? Preesh.

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If my math is wrong, i know you’ll let me know.  If I am wrong, I already know you know.  But please do leave me a colorful comment below!

Always dishing,

Jun