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Big Brother 18 – Power Rankings #2

BB

I’m funnier when I’m in a good mood. I’m meaner when I’m in a bad mood. I’m calmer when I’m actually freaking out inside. I’m pretty consistent, in life and on Big Brother. BB.

Have I changed since my season four? Yes. No. Yes. No?

We see time and time again that when BB alum return for a second shot, or sometimes even a third, they’re all over the spectrum of how much they’ve changed. It’s always “a lot” or “a little,” for better or for worse, or worst.

But there’s nothing like the first time, is there?

But first…

Week-3 Alliance7-11-16

(Special thanks to @89razorskate20)

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So let’s start with Frank…

Team: CATEGORY 4: Frank, Bridgette, Michelle, Paulie

Douche

Frank: Get your damn feet off the coffee table (-50 points). We are all waiting to see if you can still dominate in challenges like you did you first-time around, because without that you’re just (still) meathead-y, but just four years older. Did you return to your cave after BB14 only to emerge for BB18? By Random Draw you got lucky right away, and then you magically won the first Roadkill and then this last one pretty magically too, and all your wins seem to come from Pandora’s Snatch (-50 points). And it’s great that you slap asses as athletes, and even the asses of your friends who are girls. I’m happy for you all. But why the fuck would you put your hands on a woman’s ass, someone’s mother no less, unless you know that’s okay with her (-100 points)? If your mom was playing Big Brother in the house would you want a man CBS put in there with her, to slap her on the ass? What if that man was black? Listen, you douchebag…men do not get to slap women on the ass, especially a woman you only started living with all of a sudden, less than a month ago.  People are very angry about all this, and irrational too, but I’m just keeping it real. You need stronger women in your life. It’s never a bad thing to have too many of. Strong women save lives. You had Boogie, Mike Malin, to guide you your first season, Creepy Uncle Boogie, and now you’re trying to be Boogie this season, and also shouting out the name of his new restaurant on the feeds. Dudes of a feather cock together. I don’t even know what that means but it works for me. Final Tally: -200 points

BridgetteFrank

Bridgette: “I see you around the house. You’re great at this fucking game.” You said this to your dad Frank. Whether you meant it or it was pure strategy, it stroked his meat ego (+50 points). But you’re weird together (-50 points). But I appreciate that you didn’t respond with, I trust you, back to Frank, when he condescendingly creepy uncled you with I trust you (+50 points). Your cute act is vomit-inducing but you’re persistent and determined to make it work and that’s something (+50 points). You literally skipped to the diary room door after voting out Victor on Thursday, like who really skips like that in real life? You are no Shirley Temple, because you drop f-bombs trying to come off as tough, but they fall short of awkward (-50 points). Baking cookies got you compared to me but I’ve only attempted baking maybe a dozen times in my whole life, and never when I was in the Big Brother house. The only other thing I can think of is that we’re both of Asian descent and therefore you will be compared to me forevermore. You should actually be flattered (+50 points). I tweeted once that I’d punch you in your mouth if you ever baby-voiced me to death and apparently some deranged people took it literally, like I go around punching people in the mouth on the regular, and that I’d actually punch you in the mouth if I ever met you. So if you reading this…be careful. Bad fans can be terrible people. Good fans are the best though. Stick with those (+50 points). Your HOH win is great and all (+50 points) but nobody on the jury will give you credit for this week (-50 points) so you need to have a back-up plan if you want to build an actual resume at the end. But your POV win (+50 points) and leaving Bronte up on the block is something of actual substance (+50 points), barely (-50 points). And some more advice…do not bring Frank home to your parents. Ever. He will smack your sister’s ass when he feels comfortable enough to and then smack your mom’s too. Don’t do it girl. Final Tally: +200 points

Mich

Michelle: You are an enigma in your own head. But you’re fun to poke fun at (+50 points) and you lucked out on a team that’s keeping you safe as fuck (+50 points). I don’t dislike you but I don’t love you and you always sound at first like you’re trying to hide the sound of your chronic queefs, hoping that nobody heard them. Your issues with food and weight gain are interesting (-50 points). You eat a kiwi whole, fuzzy skin and all, which is actually more nutritious (+50 points), but so…extra (-50 points). Maybe that’s what makes you queef. You seem to actually seek ways to be weird (+20 points), like making up a boyfriend you never had and wow things like that. You actually have a terrible poker face, but you’re not on anyone’s flaming radar so good for you (+50 points). Being insignificant in a social game seems to be your M.O. Final Tally: +120 points

Paulie

Paulie: I thought you’d be douchier but you’re not, not as much as I thought you’d be, and I’m so relieved for something about this season. So thank you for something (+50 points). You went ahead and took the POV too (+50 points) although I’m not sure you had to (-20 points), but your word “SUSTAINABILITY” was lady boner stuff (+50 points).  “I am a fan of spelling.” Yes you are. But your grammar could use some work (-20 points), “I want to nip stuff in the butt.” Taking Paul down with the veto and backdooring Victor came very easy to you (+50 points) and your butt-nipping ways… And your social game is decent, and far more interesting than prank-pulling James (+50 points) which I apologize for setting such a low bar for. Final Tally: +210 points

Team Name: TEAM UNICORN: James, Bronte, Natalie

Ugh

James: From the moment your face was wedged into Natalie’s perfectly plump ass in that first HOH comp of the season, you dropped Taylor Swift with swiftness. Your drama in the off-season with Meg is only something you two know all the actual details of. But you are the underdog in that tiff and I always root for the underdog (+50 points). But…I don’t know. Is it just me? I wouldn’t want to live day in and day out with a prankster. Who the fuck actually wants that (-50 points)? But still your name isn’t brought up as a target (+50 points) so you’re doing something right. And you live out your creepy Korean uncle fantasies, yay for you, with Natalie, in your head. Because you will not be getting any actual action. I see what you did there sacrificing Victor. But Natalie’s just trying to make Victor jealous by hanging out with you. But I’ll still take your tired old saggy pranks over that big butt meathead Frank though (+50 points). Final Tally: +100 points

Bron

Bronte: You’re such a hot mess. Yawning the whole time on the big screen behind Julie Chen during the live show. You make me feel more pulled together (+50 points). Your fakey voices, yes plural, are baffling and annoy me (-50 points). I wonder sometimes if you’re possessed. But you remain relatively safe and your Spy Girls or whatever alliance has worked in your favor this week (+50 points). James creeps you out, and that’s okay (+50 points), I’m just glad you’ve toned down the Aarynistic behavior (+50 points). Final Tally: +150 points

FullSizeRender-46

Natalie: “I’m happy to evict Victor!” Julie Chen heard your vote loud and clear. Hey. You are a beautiful beautiful woman and you should NOT feel ugly, ever, whether it’s in that ratchet house or in the real world. Zakiyah and Nicole having wtfmances has got you down? I understand. No. I don’t. I focused on winning, not on some short Korean dude, and CBS tried to distract me they did. But maybe you’ll end up using your fellow Korean HG James like I did my ex, Jee. But you need to stop that shit about feeling fat or ugly (-50 points). You are neither. I got fat but never felt ugly on my season. You are definitely not ugly. Be stronger, woman! And work James all you want (+50 points). It’s not like you’re giving him any milk (+50 points). But you saying you don’t want to put up a girl if and when you win HOH is stupid (-50 points). Don’t be an idiot. Put the makeup down, and put up whomever you have to “if and when”  anything. Period. Final Tally: 0 points

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Victor: You’re back to zero now that your ass is evicted. I wasn’t even finished looking at you. Life is so unfair. But your Instagram shout-out on live television might have been enough to make me cut you completely. Final Tally: 0 points

Team: BIG SISTER: Da’Vonne, Paul, Zakiyah

DayAndMichelle

Da’Vonne: “I gotta get her before she tries to get me.” This is the most obvious point of the game, yet you and other HGs keep repeating this to us in the diary room (-50 points). Relax. It doesn’t even matter who “her” is because that’s the whole point of the game. But your ass-slapping drama with Frank this week was hard for me to watch, because you do feel like you have so much to prove after your first run where you couldn’t control your emotions. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s keeping you in check. You’ve grown (+100 points). Good for you. You kept your cool when Frank told you he spilled about the 8-Pack to Paulie (+50 points). And you handled Frank as best you could when he continued to meathead-out (+100 points). But you’re willing to lose team members who could possibly up your probability of safety (-50 points) and I hope that doesn’t bite you in the ass. Final Tally: +150 points

FullSizeRender-48

Paul: “You dropped all the balls. You blew it.” You were talking about Victor (+50 points), not actual oral sex (-50 points), and it was nice to see you actually have a heart (+50 points). You and Jozea and Victor never had a chance as an alliance (-50 points). You need to work your ass off to make sure Tiffany goes home. I appreciate how raw you are in the diary room (+50 points), and in general (+50 points). I hope you don’t leave, but if you make it to the end you will have quite a list of accomplishments to rattle off to the jury. Good luck. Final Tally: +100 points

Kiyah

Zakiyah: Lots of people are pissed about you (-50 points) referring to Natalie as a “thot.” I thought that was a typo of some sort until I actually Googled it. If that’s all the Natalie fans have got on you, then you’re good (+50 points). Basically I’m just some old BB cat lady at this point having to look up words on the internet. Sigh. But I still find you hot as fuck (+50 points) and I’m mildly jealous that you got a lap dance from Paulie as a birthday gift in the house (+50 points). All I got was half a birthday cake and an ex-boyfriend to yell at. Speaking of which, some plaything of two weeks of your life seems to think he owns you, on social media. It’s cute though. It could have been worse. He could have been uglier (+75 points). Final Tally: +175 points

Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany

Nic

Nicole: For whatever reason, including the truth, CBS is editing you as the useless girl who finds Corey dreamy (-50 points). Smack yourself (-50 points). You started off so great (+50 points). And besides that, all CBS could come up with this week was a clip of you choking on water. Is that the extent of your BB legacy? Meatheads and inability to swallow (-50 points)? I never watched your season but I don’t think I need to, to learn anything more about you. Final tally: -100 points

Bros

Corey: “I must have a ‘honk if you’re horny’ sticker on my car with all these horns going off. You know what they say…if the RV is a honking, don’t come a-knocking.” Meat (-50 points). Head (-50 points). How many times did you have to try that whole line in the diary room before you got it right? CBS seems to be ignoring your budding bromance with Frank, and I’m sure it’s for a good reason. Final Tally: -100 points

Vaness2

Tiffany: I thought you were supposed to be good at this! Oh. Wait. No. You played the online version of this stuff (-50 points). It’s your sister Vanessa who will be more memorable of the two of you (-50 points) if you don’t actually start doing something besides looking good in jeans. I was actually mesmerized by your hips on Thursday (+50 points). But so far you’re a little underwhelming, even your unintentional impersonations of Vanessa. But do you. Final Tally: -50 points

~

Julie

Julie: You looked good Thursday. Hearing you shout “Kiss My Ace” made my week. But I need to know, who were those ball boys during the comp? Were they gifts from Les?

~

Paulie remains on top.

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother 18 – Power Rankings #1

BB

Enough cryptic life shit.

I’m watching Big Brother again this summer, #BB18.

Frank Eudy is back.

Upon entering the house by jumping out of suitcases, Frank and three other second-timers from different seasons, were all afforded a second chance to win.

Julie Chen dramatically forced everyone all at once, to listen to her big news…this summer would start as a team sport. News of this had already spread like wildfire on social media for weeks, but we all pretended as fans to be collectively wowed. The television-only viewing audience was definitely wowed.

Back to Frank…

Frank

By Random Draw, Frank was magically the first to hand-pick a member for his team, in schoolyard pick. It is why I have nicknamed him By Random Draw.

Da’Vonne Rogers, James Huling and Nicole Franzel are the other other returnees, and they also got “team protection.”

I hated the idea at first, teams…

But I did blog once in 2013 about a new twist where I’d like to see one “mandatory” open alliance from day one. This team stuff CBS gave us the season? I’ll take it for now. It seems to mean nothing to the HGs right now anyway. Though I hope this changes soon…

Because if you play a nearly flawless game it shouldn’t matter whether you start in teams or individually anyway. We all know it will get down to an individual game when production sees fit. Maybe this year they’ll steal from Survivor and give us some form of actual immunity idol that By Random Draw will draw week-to-week and forevermore.

We started out the season with a great blindside. When the house blindsided The Three Stooges on my season, it was delicious. Just like Jozea’s blindside was last week.

Week-2 Alliances BB18

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Power Rankings #1

Team Unicorn: JamesNatalieBronteVictor

Such a lame stupid name. The stupidest of the four, but then again, the team is led by James. For stupidest team name, everyone on this team starts off with -150 points.

James

JAMES: Why are you back (0 points)? Final Tally: -150 points

Bronte

BRONTE: Why are you “Wifey Spy?” Fuck no. I want to marry Natalie, not you. And you are far from wifely material, what with your ranting about sending James “back to Hong Kong” (-100 points). I don’t even like him that much but that’s fucked up. Maybe if you’d focused faster and more on your social game then you wouldn’t have gone “there” and you wouldn’t be sitting on the block now (-50 points). One more comment like that and you may enter BB15 territory. You’re not as cute as Aaryn Gries, so you won’t be worshipped like she was undeservedly post-show, by way too many people. But I do like your raw trainwreck-y diary rooms (+150 points) and how your wheels actually turn about the game (+100 points). And when you told Paul to basically STFU and stop being a sexist pig, you won some points (+100 points). Oh, your new and improved strategy to “not trust one single boy in the house” sounds very mature and forward-thinking *sarcasm* (-50 points). Play more like a woman and not like a girl. Final Tally: 0 points

Natalie

NATALIE: You say you’re “sitting there sweating bullets” yet I have never looked half as good as you when I’m sweating anything. It’s very hard for me not to objectify you because I find you quite attractive (+100 points), but it did scare me watching you presumably wiping makeup off in the bathroom (-50 points). YOU WEAR SO MUCH MAKEUP. But whatever. I’m not mildly obsessed or anything, maybe. It’s your face. I sound like Victor don’t I? Oh, but you’re right. You truly “are officially the underdogs of the house.” That’s okay though, because I tend to root for the underdogs (+100 points). I need you to be more helpful to Bronte though, otherwise you will be considered a coattail rider sooner or later. But for now you haven’t made yourself a target so that’s good (+100 points). “Flirty Spy” seems to be working for you. Nobody is really gunning for you. Final Tally: +100 points

Vic

VICTOR: You uttered the words “fair game” in the diary room (-50 points). Who determines what’s fair in Big Brother? Certainly not you. Even CBS hasn’t figured that out yet. Just abide by the contract you signed and the rest is fair game. You don’t want a girl to win? Because your level of emotional maturity is that low? Not good (-50 points). Finance degree or not, social game is key to getting that money in the bank in the first place. But thank you for being so very nice to look at (+200 points). You’re sitting on the block by association by bad self-awareness (-50 points). And geez, you flipped so fast after Jozea was evicted basically bending over for the returnees. Telling everyone right away that you won Roadkill, after you won Roadkill (+100 points)? Not good (-50 points). I don’t want you to go. Sigh. Final Tally: -50 points.

~

Big Sister: Da’VonneJozeaPaulZakiyah:

Stupid team name, again. -100 points to everyone on this team.

DaVonne2

DA’VONNE: I love you I do (+50 points) and I’m sincerely happy for you that you get another tearful chance to win the prize money for Cadence (+100 points). But girl…it seems like you’re trying to go for the BB Meme And Gif Hall Of Fame more than anything else this season (-50 points). But you’re still entertaining as fuck (+100 points). It’s week two and you’re not getting evicted, so that’s major improvement from last season. I know, it’s a low bar to set but it’s all we have. Please work on your happy face when you’re talking to people you don’t like or believe (-50 points). You cannot flop this season. As your Korean virtual mother I forbid you. But your kissing Jozea’s photo once it went black and white had me dying laughing (+50 points). If you make final two with Zakiyah I will fly you and Cadence out to Belgium for a visit with me. That is all. Final Tally: +100 points

Jozea

JOZEA (EVICTED): You are currently drowning somewhere in some faux celebrity river, with Glenn dead in the water floating face-down by you. Jozea. You were THE FIRST (REAL) EVICTEE. Because let’s face it…Glenn doesn’t count. He didn’t exactly get Jodi’d, but that’s what it was in different packaging. Yes, this is supposed to be about you, Jozea, of “My word is my word,” and “Scenarios is scenarios,” fame. Because apparently that is the depth of your critical thinking. This is this. That is that. Jozea. Your delusions of grandeur were fucking fantastic fun to follow and make fun of. Glenn Who?

Paul

PAUL: “The Big Brother universe hates me at this point.” No. It hates everyone equally, Paul. You’re not special. But good for you for taking yourself off the block last week (+100 points) although you really were responsible for getting yourself on the block in the first place (-50 points). You pet your beardfro when you’re nervous, and you liken yourself to Godzilla…let alone you’re not afraid to refer to yourself as Godzilla, publicly. You’re the self-proclaimed black sheep of the family who takes delight in being the black sheep, which screams: you have lots to prove. I should know. You are so rough around the edges but I like you more than Jozea, which is a very low bar to measure up to. But it’s something (+50 points). But you should knock off calling anyone a little Korean or little anything, because you are one of the few very short men in the house, especially when Jozea comes back after beating Glenn. Final Tally: 0 points

zakiyah

ZAKIYAH: Why are you so hot? (+200 points). You have Da’Vonne and Paulie as shields. I love it. Final Tally: +100 points

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Freakazoids: NicoleCoreyGlennTiffany

Annoying name but whatever. -50 points to all.

Nicole

NICOLE: Even when you’re happy you sound unhappy. It’s a true talent (+50 points), and also annoying as fuck (-100 points). You’re a nurse, but if you came to treat me in the emergency room I’d get anxious listening to you. I’d ask for another nurse. But I don’t mind watching your hot mess of a self on the show (+50 points). It’s quite entertaining. (+50 points). I never watched your season and I don’t hate you (+50 points). Final Tally: +50 points

Corey

COREY: You need to make like your picture above and keep your mouth closed and smiling ever so slightly. It’s your best look (+50 points). It’s your only decent look (-50 points). So stop talking. Stop watching men shower. As a matter of fact close your eyes so you’re not even tempted to. And don’t ever set fires to animals ever again (-100 points) or we will find you. We will hunt you down and your trash friends down. I’ve never heard of peppermint bark before you told us about it and its “life-changing” qualities. But it sounds terrible. You’d better redeem yourself and soon, buddy. Final Tally: -150 points

Glenn

GLENN (EVICTED/GLENNED): I’m using your stock photo. Just go home. Unless the buyback comp is mental, I don’t see how you will outlast all the young bucks exiting the house. You probably have Trump rallies back at home to get back to anyway.

TiffTIFFANY: You are Vanessa 2.0 in so many ways (-50 points) yet you are not her too (+50 points). It’s freaking me out watching you and having to consciously tell myself you’re not Vanessa. Even though I know you’re not. And how can you suck so bad at math in that Roadkill comp (-50 points)? What kind of high school do you teach at?! Final Tally: -100 points

TiffanyTrippy.

~
Category 4: FrankBridgetteMichellePaulie

Sad, but the best name of the four teams. Kudos on that at least. It may be the best thing these people did all summer. +50 points.

ByRandomDraw

FRANK: Frank, Frank, Frank…you have aged like a bear. I don’t even know what that means really. You’ve definitely still got your big butt (+50 points), but your game still sucks (-300 points). If you can’t even keep track of all the fake alliances you’ve made then you are actually your biggest pain in the ass. I’m just here to agitate it. But I think Corey wants to agitate your ass more than I do. And kudos to you for publicly confessing that you have hemorrhoids (+50 points) and how you must tend to them and nurse them every so gently with your fingers (+50 points), as you not so gently rebuffed Corey’s voyeurism (+100 points). You said it gave you weird feelings having him watch you. It’s good to talk about feelings (+50 points). Hemorrhoids kills. Well, maybe not, but I’m not a doctor. Final Tally: :+50 points

Bridgette

BRIDGETTE: How old are you? This isn’t pre-teen pageant girl scout camp (-100 points). Women have advanced farther than you are playing but whatevs, you were typecast and you’re playing your role (+100 points). Do what you gotta do sister. If they let you win by swinging side to side like Shirley Temple until your tassels poke an eye out, then do you. I saw a porn once called “Spunky Spice” and it was all about a girl getting spunk all over her face. This has nothing to do with you except your name is Spunky Spice in your alliance. Good job surviving eviction last week (+50 points) even though your bad decisions got you outed as a spy and nommed in the first place (-50 points). But you survived because you’re quite insignificant in the game right now. That’s not a bad thing (+50 points). But this may change. And if it doesn’t then that’s okay too. Sigh. I know you miss your dad, but your kinda crush on Frank is a little weird because it just is. Stop it (-50 points). Final Tally: +50 points

Michelle

MICHELLE: You need to not let the sun turn you into carcinogen (-50 points). You need to not compare Bridgette to me (-50 points). You need to not say bad things about “fat people” unless you have a thoughtful solution to your rudeness (-50 points). But so far you’re laying around eating junk food and hating yourself, basically living out your BB dream, so I’m happy for you (+50 points). You would sell your soul for safety in the house, or the last bag of potato chips, whichever comes at the right time. I love it (+50 points). Final Tally: 0 points

PAulie

PAULIE: You’re HOH (+50 points) after surviving last week’s eviction (+50 points) after going spread eagle for the returnees right away (-50 points), and still losing to Paul in the POV (-50 points) but then you won POV this week (+50 points), but you are beasting out so early (-50 points). Though you would have been a target anyway so at least you’re killing comps (+100 points) and making the best of friends especially in one very hot Zakiyah (+50 points). If you marry her later I will come back and add +5,000 points to this blog. Final Tally: +200 points

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Power Rankings High:GroupLeft

Two beautiful black women in the BB house.

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Power Rankings Low:GroupRight

Frank holding on to his nuts the entire live show.

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Power Rankings Tradition:

PenisHead

They gave Julie dickhead. Sigh.

~

 Standings

(I took the liberty of adding some penalties)

PowerRankings1

Congratulations Paulie.

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother Canada 2: A Very Young Cast

Unknown

Hello Canada! I realize it’s not just Canadians reading but I’m gonna congratulate you guys on your 25 medals at this Winter Olympics. And now onto Big Brother Canada…

Last year around this time I said “I don’t even know if I’ll have the time to watch any of the first ever Big Brother Canada season premiering Wednesday, February 27th.”

This year I didn’t even realize that the second season of Big Brother Canada even revealed its cast. My brain has reached capacity and I’m late for the party. But I brought favors.

Remember these from last year?

Age

MostLikeable MostLikelyToGetInAFightMostLikelyToShowmanceMostLikelyToWinAfter checking out stuff on Slice and watching a few of the videos (Arisa Cox is still so much cooler than Chenbot)

I’ve done a set for this season and they look like this:

BBCAN2Age

Rachelle is the youngest at 20 and Paul is the oldest at 43. He’s then followed by Sarah at the ripe age of 32, and then Ika who’s 29, and the rest of the crew? In their very early to mid-late 20s. It’s a very young house.

BBCAN2MostLikeable

I listed Paul least likable because I think he’s gonna motivationally speak his way out of the house. Kyle, at 24-looking-34, may prove me wrong and be more likable, but not likely since he has the The Bachelor Juan Pablo-vibe going on. He fancies himself a catch. I feel like I was pretty accurate with my Most Likeable picks last year. This is based on nothing but first impressions judgements on paper and film. Everybody calm down.

BBCAN2FightI listed Adel least likely to get into a fight only because he prays five times a day and he also likes to go by:

1. “Inventor of the tongue-mounted toothbrush” – I can’t imagine what would be so important that you can’t brush your teeth with your own hands, unless you’re masturbating and shaving at the same time.

2. “The People’s People” – Someone please explain the plural stuff going on…

3. “The People’s Champ” – These are also the three words he used to describe himself in his bio. So he is not only The People’s Champ, but he describes himself as “The” and “People’s” and “Champ.” Like, imagine me going to a job interview and saying, “I’m Jun and I’m The!”

4. “HOH Supremacist of Big Brother Canada” – I don’t even want to touch this one.

5. “Muslim and Ambassador of Islam” – I will leave this one alone too. It’s altogether too many titles for me to deal with before enough coffee, which I’ve not had yet.

Also, I keep picturing a big blonde woman singing every time I picture Adel. Does anyone else’s brain do this?

 

BBACN2Showmance

The Jillian and Emmett showmance was one of the best things to come out of the first season of Big Brother Canada. Andrew is my pick to showmance right away, because it’s what it sounds like he does in real life anyway. Rachelle is hot enough to get ass whenever she wants in real life, so I think she’ll play in the house. And Lord knows Sabrina’s hilarious and makes it clear she’ll fall into someone’s lap with no panties on because she’s looking to showmance yesterday.

BBCAN2MostLikelyToWinI think this is really a manifestation of who i’d like to go in what order because I don’t care who wins. If I’ve failed to mention anyone in this blog, which are many, it wasn’t intentional but maybe telling. Besides, none of these Canadians named me as their Big Brother idol and that’s just disappointing. Canada. I’d totally bring this up if there was ever a roast, and Julie Chen was my Roastmaster…

~

“Nobody on Big Brother Canada 2 named you as their Big Brother idol, Jun.”

~

Always dishing,

Jun

 

Picking My Big Brother 4 Bed

EliteEight

PIcking up where we left off, right before Julie instructed the first eight of us to enter the Big Brother 4 house

Standing there on the end of the step next to Jack I was mildly hyperventilating, but once Julie addressed us I felt all-of-a-sudden calmer. It’s finally begun I’d thought. Julie’s robotic voice made it real in an instant.

Bag

The strap on my Big Brother duffel bag dug into my shoulder, because I’d stupidly stuffed it too heavy with bath products. I’d brought my own bath stuff from home because I didn’t trust what CBS might provide for us in the house. I should have put my shampoos and conditioners in my suitcase and not my duffel, but I didn’t. D’oh. I nearly lost circulation in my shoulder because of my BB duffel bag, but more importantly Julie was giving us instructions on how to enter the house.

Instructions?!

“In a few minutes you will enter the house in three separate groups. Once inside you’ll find 3 bedrooms each with its own distinct accommodations. You will have one minute to choose your beds. But each member of your group must choose a bed in a different room of the house. Make your choice carefully.”

Would I have to fight someone for a bed? Would I have to share one? These questions drilled holes in my brain right away. I really didn’t want to have to run or break into a sweat just to be able to sleep in a bed.  I decided I wouldn’t run and I wouldn’t worry too much about a stupid bed. Choosing a bed was the least of my problems this summer.

“The first one to enter the house are Scott, David, Nathan.”

Chenbot had spoken again, and the three guys were off into the house in search of a bed. Meanwhile outside, the rest of us were standing around and still not allowed to communicate with each other. I remembering wanting Julie to call my name next because I didn’t want to miss out on what was going on inside the house. The three youngest guys were in there together alone and I didn’t like that.

“…Jun, Erika, Alison.”

Yes! Chenbot had called my name. I entered the front door with Erika and Ali leaving Dana and Jack outside alone. I was in!

The inside of the house and everything in it looked like the inside of any other house, albeit a little too colorful. Without the intense lighting everywhere and big black bulky cameras in every corner, it felt like a house. Normal houses didn’t have double-sided mirrors lining every wall, but the Big Brother house was no normal house. As far as the smell…it didn’t smell like a house. Every home has a distinct odor to it, but the BB house had none. I didn’t let it bother me. In some part of my brain I knew that I was basically living in a box on the lot of Studio City, but it had to become home to me if I was going to win. I’d felt a sick rush of excitement.  I was about to get to know the rest of the house, and I looked forward to using them all to my advantage.

When I first got in the house I went the wrong way into the bathroom area, and felt pretty stupid. I then quickly realized my error had given Erika and Alison enough time to claim beds for themselves. I ended up in the bedroom with two double beds with Nathan. It was surreal that right away even choosing a bed was so controlled.

I knew Dana and Jack would be entering the house right after me, and I expected Dana to share my bed with me. I was right. I remember Jack came into the bedroom Nathan and I were sitting in, and he basically ran away from us. I thought it odd that Jack would prefer to sleep on burlap with stinky turtles with David and Erika, but that room had a door. Privacy from other HGs. I thought it was a bad move, because privacy can make people paranoid about why you need privacy in the first place. It made sense though after hearing Jack and David both had a military background, that they’d choose the barracks over down comforters. Erika confounded me.

The Big Brother house makes you double-think everything. Then add re-thinking everything again with a heaping side of paranoia, and that’s your average state on any given day in the BB house. Insane.

Which bed you’re sleeping in should be the least of your problems in the BB house.

Always dishing,

Jun

Entering the Big Brother House

EliteEight

I sat in a trailer parked on the lot at Studio City before I actually entered the “set” of the Big Brother house, my season. I remember sitting in the small but clean space of the trailer and staring at the mirror incessantly, and drinking a LOT of water. I took deep breaths knowing I was about to give up my freedom for a chance at half-a-million dollars. Before I was mic’d up to go in, Robyn Kass knocked on my door and came in to the trailer. We hugged and she got me hyped up all over again that I was about to finish what I started during the casting process. Robyn and I took a photo together, which we still each have a copy of and sincerely cherish, and then she was off. I figured she was doing the same thing with every HG and I wondered who I’d be sharing the BB house with.

I had no idea at the time that it would be with my ex-boyfriend Jee….

A few minutes later it was show time, and I was herded onto the set…to the “faux” exterior of the BB house, where I stood for this photo…

We stood for this photo…

EliteEight

 

We were instructed not to make eye contact or talk to each other while posing, which was incredibly awkward. Facing in front of us were bright lights and cameras and microphones, and lots of producers. Organized chaos.

I didn’t know their names yet, but I recognized Jack and Nathan from my week at finals casting in LA. Finalists were always broken up into groups by sex, and the groups traveled in packs for meals and gym time, etc., under supervision of a “handler.” I knew Jack and Nathan had been in the same group because I’d seen them marching by single file quite a few times when my group of five ladies were lounging by the pool or eating lunch, etc… Nathan seemed cold but Jack seemed very warm, and from behind my sunglasses I watched them walk around the hotel.

We were never ever allowed to talk to each other or even make eye contact with any of the other finalists, whether they were in your group or not, but it’s not like I was going to gouge my eyes out if I happened to turn my head and see someone.

I remembered Scott too because even at finals in the dry LA heat, he wore his knit hats. It was always odd seeing “the skinny dude” before I knew his name, sitting on the terrace in the blazing sun with a wool or whatever mini-cardigan he wore as a hat. So when I saw Scott on the steps of the house with me, about to enter the house, I laughed inside because I knew the hats would make me crazy. I’d also remembered and liked Dana right away when I accidentally met eyes with her once during finals. I say accidentally because some dude talking loudly on his brand-new bluetooth ear thing was sitting by us, and Dana and I happened to look up when the douchebag was shouting.

Both Dana and i looked sharply away. All the finalists were watched by hawks with different sets of eyes at all times, and we were warned we would go home if we were caught violating the rules of the casting process. I was all about following the rules. Of course I’m dramatic but it did all feel like a mini-drama to me, and I hated having to deliberately avoid four other grown women who were vying for my key into the Big Brother house in the final rounds..

My douchebag story has a point because bluetooth guy was sitting between me and Dana, and there were plenty of other “regular” hotel guests there with the BB crew. Most people were there with their kids to check out Universal City just a walk away, or film whatever local porn they were on location for…whatever. It’s not like CBS shut down the Sheraton for BB finals casting, so it really was odd sharing the elevator with people who had no idea there was anything going on.

So Dana and I shared a douchebag experience and without words it created a bond between us, and then when we learned we were both from New York it was an instant connection. It wasn’t our fault how we’d been seated at breakfast during finals. So as Julie told us to check each other out I looked most forward to meeting Jack and Dana.

Erika just rubbed me the wrong way immediately and I can only chalk it up to mismatched menstrual moon cycles, but of course I envied her emaciated tummy. She never ate much from what I saw at the hotel…I also hated her for her perfect but so fake breasts. I was so judgmental, and I still am. I’m working on it.

I thought Alison was so cute but vanilla, and I loved her short short skirt even though Dana thought it was too short. I didn’t sense at all the menacing terror Ali would turn out be, on that first day. She fooled me. David was attractive but very hard to read standing there on the steps but he was a joker, unlike Nathan who turned out to be as slow as I thought his eyes looked…in those first minutes standing around awkwardly.

The vibes from Scott and Erika threatened me most that day. My gut said no to Scott and Erika, but there I was about to enter the house…as a fan of the show who applied the old fashioned way I was ready.

I knew there had to be more than eight people in the house, but I decided to worry about that later and focus on the very seven people Julie Chen just told me to “take a good look around at.”

In my mind the start of the season right then was nothing and everything I thought it would be, and in the moment you’re waiting for Julie Chen to address you for the first time it’s…magic and rainbows and Ashley’s dreamboard unicorns. You can’t see Chenbot but you can hear her Chenbot voice. Then you’re jarred back to the reality that holy shit the game’s already started and the battery pack on the microphone felt damn heavy clipped to the back of my skirt. I’d shoved the pack between my skin and skirt, so my skirt felt extra tight and I felt like a sausage.

No matter how much you’re prepared for Big Brother, everything flies out the window when you get there and it’s up to you to close the damn window. You realize you have to be locked up with most probably and certifiably crazy people around you, and you have to watch your back because everyone wants your $500,000. Plus, you have to pee and poop on film.

Even at my coolest and most relaxed state I usually have a dozen things running through my head, but when I was standing on those steps my mind and heart were racing. No joke. So what do you do?

I chose to listen closely to the instructions I was given by production and hoped I wouldn’t be the first HG to faint on those stupid fake steps.

So as the first eight of us HGs stood on the stairs leading to the BB4 house, not knowing each other’s names, I felt like I was high. I wondered if they were thinking what I was thinking. Where were the rest of us?! Why only eight?

I’d looked around trying to get a read from Robyn or Kate or Shawn’s faces, anyone from production, but they gave me nothing. Little did I know they were trying not to laugh in our faces as they anticipated drama to the highest degree, because the remaining five HGs yet to arrive were ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends of most of us standing on those steps.

I don’t blame CBS for putting my messy break-up on blast, and making me share a house with Jee. It was a game-changer and better than any twist we’e seen in recent seasons because the producers just let things play out more, but maintained humane conditions.

~ ~ ~

I’m getting asked often now about the fact that I’m the only non-white HG to ever have won Big Brother…but 10 years ago standing on those steps it didn’t matter to me what color my fellow HGs were at the end of the day because the only color that mattered to me was green, in the form of a cash prize at the end. I wasn’t poor in 2003 by any means, but I was greedy and pretty ruthless and I wanted to win. The money was great, but I wanted to win.

~

End of Entering the Big Brother House.

Always dishing,

Jun

 

FAQ-style Big Brother 15 Bullseye – Week 5

BullseyeWeek5

I realize Julie Chen’s BIGGEST question is:

Chenbot

But let’s get on to a few other pressing questions…

 

1. Who is running the house? Amanda and Helen.

AmandaHelenIf you can’t see or admit that Amanda and Helen are running this Big Brother 15 house, then you either probably don’t give women enough credit in real life anyway or you have no idea what’s actually going on in that house 24 hours a day these last 44 days. Amanda and Helen have now each been up on the block once and know what it feels like, but Helen has won HOH so she’s got a better jury speech. Plus, Amanda has made racist remarks that have never made it to air and Helen never has. Helen could absolutely dominate Amanda in a hypothetical final two against each other in front of the jury. I don’t know if either will make it there.

Amanda: WTH: 30 / WA: 10 / WJ: 20  // Total: 60

Helen: WTH: 40 / WA: 30 / WJ: 30 // Total: 100

 

2. Who is riding coattails? McCrae and GinaMarie.

McCraeAmanda

Now that McCrae and GinaMarie each have an HOH win under their belts, they’re about even in the coattail riding. McCrae’s been piggybacking Amanda’s alleged sexually harassed back, and GinaMarie’s been riding the racist train on the other side of the house from the beginning. Neither of them could win in a jury speech against anyone else in the house but each other. At least McCrae got laid while GinaMarie got played. Nick’s long since forgotten about GinaMarie as he and his hand-model hands have been posing in nearly every BB alum photo, pointing at someone “famous”, since he’s been evicted.

McCrae: WTH: 10 / WA: 20 / WJ: 10  // Total: 40

GinaMarie: WTH: 20 / WA: 10 / WJ: 10 // Total: 40

 

3. Who has been playing the game but has little entertainment value? Andy, Jessie and Spencer.

AndyJessieSpencer

 

All three have been seen in the HOH room and all three do their share of floating from room to room trying to gain information. Talking to Andy about game seems much like talking to a funny-looking imaginary friend and HG, while Jessie is everyone’s whiny but nice next-door-neighbor and HG. Spencer has less respect for women than he does men, and even less respect for men like McCrae and Andy, but I’ve never seen Spencer run as fast as he did in that POV Competition he won. He has a better jury speech stacking up than Andy or Jessie do at this point, especially since he’s survived the block more. Everyone seems to dislike Spencer but he’s still around.

Andy: WTH: 0 / WA: 10 / WJ: 10  // Total: 20

Jessie: WTH: 0 / WA: 10 / WJ: 10 // Total: 20

Spencer: WTH: 20 / WA: 10 / WJ: 10  // Total: 40

 

4. Who was cast for their hot bods? Howard and Elissa.

HowardElissa

Goodbye Howard. Now we all know there’s no way you could have pulled off a jury speech anyway, so it’s best you left now. Your best asset was your bulge and now that we’ve all seen it it’s Elissa’s time to shine. Elissa loves to shine, and speak like she’s really high, and I don’t blame Amanda and McCrae for blowing off her MVP theories by the hammock. I don’t think I could take anything Elissa said to me seriously just because of the way she slurs everything. I’m not gonna lie though…sometimes I want to be on whatever she’s on…because it’s definitely better than the stuff I’m smoking.

Elissa: WTH: 30 / WA: 20 / WJ: 10  // Total: 60

 

5. Who are my dream final two picks? Candice and Judd.

CandiceJuddI’d love to see Candice and Judd in the final two, and for Candice to win. I’d love for Judd to win too, which is why he and Candice share this paragraph, but I really want another woman of color to win Big Brother. I don’t make such statements, and I never have for past seasons, but because of all the wrongs that need to be righted I’d personally love to see Candice at the end. Judd’s been sitting pretty for weeks now while Candice has been drama city, and to see them head-to-head in jury speech would be a great end to a long season.

Candice: WTH: 30 / WA: 20 / WJ: 10 // Total: 60

Judd: WTH: 20 / WA: 20 / WJ: 20  // Total: 60

 

5. Who should be gone already? Aaryn.

Aaryn

Aaryn’s still around and will be around for a little longer as HGs are currently thinking about final two scenarios already. Aaryn’s family and friends and anyone else who cares about her are online defending her, and deflecting guilt onto Amanda and others including even me. I absolutely understand the purposes of keeping around someone like Aaryn to further yourself in the game, but I would not have kept her in the house. Someone like Aaryn doesn’t deserve a jury vote, because it’s bad enough she has a vote in the American election process. Period.

Aaryn: WTH: 30 / WA: 0 / WJ: 10  // Total: 40

~ ~ ~

BullseyeWeek5

 

 

Helen has knocked Judd out as the BB15 Bullseye for Week 5…but no worries #TeamJudd fans out there! Judd still leads the ranks with an overall five-week total of 460 points!

Here are my Week Five Favs:

WeekFiveFavs

 

I have so many screencaps from this week that I look forward to sharing in blog with you this week!

Always dishing,

Jun

Big Brother 15 Bullseye – Week 4

WeekFour

Julie Tweet

I don’t know what’s going on from the neck-up anymore with Julie Chen, because I don’t know when it became fashionable to carry your own piss-pot in your hair. That’s what it looked like last night. I’m convinced it was a bowl of rice in case Aaryn was evicted but Kaitlin got the boot instead, and now we’ll never know what Julie had in her hair.

ChenbotHair

 

For those of you who have been asking WTH “WTH” is as far scoring the HGs:

Working the house (“WTH”) would be something like Amanda who is neither vehemently disliked nor cherished, yet she has the ability to work the house on her own without anyone else’s help.

Working America (“WA”) would be something like Helen who is clearly speaking more to America than she is to the diary room when she’s spelling everything out for us with the occasional hair flip for emphasis.

Working the potential jury (“WJ”) would be like Howard keeping his cool and thinking long term to jury as he does in life when faced with racism.

This week: Judd still remains #1 overall:

WeekFour

 

I don’t see King Judd being knocked off the Bullseye soon, but let’s get on with the rest of the messes:

Mud

AarynWTH: You’ve done so much damage in the house that it’s actually become an advantage for you because you got zero votes for eviction, and you’re still in the house (+30 points). WA: Your family’s hired a PR crew to clean up your online image, yet America still does not like you (+10 points). WJ: Now that you’ve survived the block twice and won HOH twice your jury speech only gets stronger which make me sick, but at least I have screencaps of you suffering in the mud to make me feel better (+20 points). Week 4: 60 points // Cumulative: 140 points

Froyo

GinaMarieWTH: You got zero votes because you are inconsequential to most of the house, and provide comic relief with your severely defective vocabulary (+10 points). WA: You showed America what a girl with no gag reflex looks like on a Friday night in Staten Island, and you actually made me feel inadequate in the deep throat arena. Brava (+20 points). WJI applaud you for not going “gangster” on Elissa when she pushed you away, I guess you reserve your “beatdowns” for non-white girls (+10 points). Week 4: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points

Earrings

CandiceWTH: Attaching yourself to Howard every waking moment is getting in the way of your working the house the way you did at first (+10 points). WA: Half of America loves your earrings and the other half hates them, and i’m just confused by them (+20 points). WJ: I don’t see you having a problem with the jury at the end so long as you win a competition here and there, because you can’t hang on to Howard’s schlong forever (+10 points). Week 4: 40 points // Cumulative: 180 points

ElissaPush

ElissaWTH: You don’t even have to do much to work the house, because some of these people are stupid enough to think you got MVP and nominated yourself only to play in the veto and save yourself (+20 points).  WA: You cry about wanting to go home when you don’t get your way, and then gloat like a rubby ducky but you’re not really fooling anyone (0 points). WJ: You suck at jury management but if you survive this week with Aaryn as HOH, and not being able to play in veto, then your jury speech is better than half the house’s. (+20 points). Week 4: 40 points // Cumulative: 180 points

Kaitlin: Have a great time in Vegas. Bye.

HelenTweet

HelenWTH: You were penalized with two nights of 8pm curfew which probably helped your game, because it meant you had to shut our mouth for longer than usual (+20 points)?! WA: “America”, in this case Rachel’s fans, may not like you turning your back on Elissa this week but you don’t seem to care since you have deals with everyone but Julie Chen at this point (+10 points). WJ: Kaitlin, whom you voted out, seems to think the world of you and I really think the rest of the HGs sincerely like you as well (+30 points). Week 4: 60 points // Cumulative: 220 points

Bathroom

McCraeWTH: You’re passively working the house while your queen aggressively works it for you, even in the toilet (+20 points). WA: You’re getting a good edit on television, but on the feeds you have your moments aka referring to someone as a “cunt” (+10 points). WJ: Your $5,000 win in the POV competition, plus the fact that you’re Amanda’s bitch, will hurt you come jury time  (+10 points). Week 4: 40 points // Cumulative: 160 points

Andy: WTH: You manage to be everywhere and nowhere, and it’s only a matter of time before someone attacks you for it, so you need to be ready with more than color-blocked clown shirts (+20 points). WA: You get to host a competition and look suitably geeklicious, yet today you also throw the word “cunt” around on the live feeds as if it’s easy to just roll off your tongue (+10 points). WJ: Your jury vote is getting stronger the longer you’re a Have-Not in that god-forsaken house, but I don’t believe you’d win. (+10 points). Week 4: 40 points // Cumulative: 160 points

JessieWTH: You might as well take a long nap until final five because you’re on nobody’s radar, including production’s (+20 points). WA: America needs to know more about you, but CBS doesn’t seem to be interested in providing that yet which means you’re going to be around for a while (+10 points). WJ: If you get to jury you’ll probably be sitting with someone just like you, and someone better than you, so I don’t see you winning (+10 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 160 points

AmandaWTF

AmandaWTH: You were upset about your key being pulled last at Judd’s HOH nomination ceremony, yet it was your one-piece bathing suit that offended Elissa enough to bring you to tears. Get it together (+10 points). WA: America’s split on you, because many of us enjoy what you bring to BB and others are Rachel’s fans (+30 points). WJ: You’re in a good spot come any jury, just like you’re in a good spot week-to-week no matter who’s HOH (+20 points). Week 3: 60 points // Cumulative: 240 points

SpencerWTH: What you lack in soul you make up for in trivia knowledge from Hitler to sexual predator language to aliens and everything remotely creepy in-between, and HGs actually listen because despite your size you never raise your voice (+30 points). WA: Television-viewers know you to be a gentle giant with rough edges, while live feeders know you to be the guy you never want to live next door to if you’re gay or an attractive tampon-user (+20 points). WJ: If you survive this week you have the “Howard had Candice and I had nobody” argument handy, and if you survive it’s because the HGs think Howard’s a bigger threat. (+10 points). Week 4: 60 points // Cumulative: 200 points

JuddWTH: You’re HOH and you’re supposed to be “the bad guy” who nominates people, yet nobody hates you and GinaMarie even had a beer ready for you when you got out of solitary. Nicely done (+40 points). WA: Your mom’s letter to you in your HOH basket read, “Your dad hasn’t been this nervous since the day you were born,” and it sounded just right to America (+30 points). WJThings like solitary confinement will make good bullet points when you’re making your jury speech (+30 points). Week 4: 100 points // Cumulative: 400 points

HC

HowardWTH: Doing yoga with Elissa was a good move, as was letting Candice feel up on your man parts with her body during the POV competition, but sticking so close still with a former Moving Company loser may hurt you this week (+20 points). WA: America pretty much loves you, and not all of  America has even seen what’s under those sweatpants of yours (+30 points). WJ: When potential jury member Candice tells you to go get her a pebble you reply, “I ain’t no penguin” yet you let her use you like a piece of Grade-A furniture. Nicely done (+10 points).  Week 4: 60 points // Cumulative: 280 points

~ ~ ~

DIARY ROOM CRACKHEAD OF THE WEEK: Elissa

Eyelash

~ ~ ~

My Personal MVP Of The Week: Howard’s bulge, I mean…Howard.

HowardBulge

 

~ ~ ~

Oh, and Helen’s back on my Favs list:

Favs Week 4It’s been 4 weeks yet I feel like I’ve aged 40 weeks.

Always dishing,

Jun

 

Big Brother 15 Bullseye – Week 3

BullseyeWeek3

Last night’s live eviction was all over the place, but I walked away loving McCrae’s dad and feeling sorry for Julie Chen. Julie’s hair was so bumped up and heavy that it was affecting her speech, like, her extensions must have weighed so much. I never miss a thing when it comes to the Chenbot, and I can tell you no amount of cue cards could have helped last night with all the returning to the rivving room she did. Rivving room? Was that some subliminal racial slip?!

I’m still wondering what the Sultan of Sexy debacle was all about…but I don’t think I’ll ever really know.. But here’s what I do know:

BullseyeWeek3

~ ~ ~

bumpit

AarynWTH: Nobody likes you as a person although they pretend to like you as a Houseguest, which makes you perfect to take to the end (+80 points). WA: If you can’t tell by now with all the hints that Big Brother-watching Americans dislike you, then you’re in bigger trouble than I thought once you leave that house (+10 points). CBS is practically writing you out of the reality television script, oxymoron, by letting America choose the third nominee this week instead of the usual Elissa (+10 points). WJ: You are my Ali to take to the end, except if the jury asked me why you didn’t deserve to win over me I’d say, “Because racism shouldn’t ever be rewarded first place in life or in Big Brother, and especially not with $500,000,” or something to that effect (+20 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 80 points

JeremyGW

Jeremy: Thanks for making me appreciate just how handsome a man George Washington was compared to you. There’s only one winner in Big Brother which just makes you…another loser. Go do some of that work you’re promising to do “on the inside” and you’ll see you’re not very “intimidating-looking” at all, just tattooed and tall.

NickIkeaCup

GinaMarieWTH: The house treats you like a mild mental case as it is, but you have a legit strategy on your hands by being so chemically and hormonally imbalanced at the same time. (+30 points). WA: You’re at times such a train wreck that we should look away but we don’t, and so we enable you, yet judge you deliciously harsh here and other parts of the world wide web. (+10 points). WJ: At this point your jury will have to stop laughing at you before you get half-way through your jury speech, which we expect will be in your usual outdated Brooklyn thug language (0 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 80 points

CandiceWTH: You’re not the brightest bulb in the BB15 house, but you’ve squeaked out sympathy from nearly everyone since week one (+20 points). WA: Your gigantic earrings all the time are killing a lot of us slowly but surely, although your live show dress looked so good on you (+20 points). WJ: You’ve been building credibility here and there, and after loyalty that’s the next best thing to have in the house. If you get to the end we’ll see if your pageant skills come out and you get all speak-with-your-eyes on us like you get with Julie Chen. (+20 points). Week 3: 60 points // Cumulative: 140 points

Elissachel

ElissaWTH: I know it was not easy standing up to everyone in the HOH room and saying “You can’t ask me to do something that I’m not comfortable with.” It’s never easy defending yourself to money-hungry HGs, and I was impressed (+40 points). WA: Your Rachel crying has to go…the one where you guys knit your brows and shut your eyes real tight with your hand at your head? That needs to go (0 points). WJ: If you can’t start talking faster nobody will vote for you. Period. (0 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 140 points

KaitlinWTH: You realize you may need to ditch Aaryn, but it may be too late for you seeing as how being the girlfriend of a “competition beast” has rubbed off on you and made you a threat (+10 points). WA: You have a drag queen hand when it comes to applying makeup, and it scares me as well as others and their pets. Take it easy, and maybe without Jeremy around you’ll be more likable (+10 points).  WJYou’ve won a POV competition and taken yourself off the block so early on, and this will be a great argument to have in your pocket should you make it to the bitter end (+20 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points

HelenThumbs

HelenWTH: This isn’t Survivor and there is no Stealth ‘R Us going on so stop it. Control yourself woman…you have deals with every HG (+10 points)?! WA: Most live feeds viewers are screaming at their screens for you to shut up, but television-only viewers love you and the edit you’re getting. I’d die before giving the diary room two thumbs up, but that’s just me (+30 points). WJ: Judging from your track record so far I know you’ll most likely give a Dan-esque speech at the end, but if you cry those fake tears you’ll lose them (+20 points). Week 3: 60 points // Cumulative: 160 points

25K

McCraeWTH: You’re putting both your balls into Amanda’s basket right now with this showmance going on, and it will get you in trouble eventually. Not just in the game, but when you have to cough up that $25K engagement ring she wants (+10 points). WA: We got to see you use the big bad bitch word last night referring to Aaryn, but you’re so whipped by your Queen Amanda that “bitch” doesn’t even sound like a bad word when you say it (+10 points). WJ: You’ll have a hard time convincing any jury that you could’ve gotten to the end without Amanda, but your social game is still good without hers (+20 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points

Andy: I wrote about you already this week in “The Best Napper” in which I defend you and your gameplay despite many calling you “a despicable floater.” I said just two days ago, “Andy’s floating most of all, and I don’t blame him, because there are 12 Type A personalities in there and 2 Type B-and-a-half. Everyone is floating to some degree because it’s impossible not to. The MVP twist encourages floating in fact, though Elissa winning it every week defeats the purpose of anything good coming out of this new MVP twist.” I still mean it. Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points

JessieWTH: Your decision to separate yourself from Aaryn was a wise one, as was your decision to attach yourself to Judd now that he’s HOH (+20 points). WA: One day you’ll be more secure in your own skin than you are now, and you’ll understand how many opportunities you’ve missed this summer to actually connect with us watching (+10 points). WJ: I don’t envy you being in a house of so many attractive women what with your fear of them and all, but you’ve managed to score a little bit of sympathy from everyone all around so kudos (+10 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points

AmandaWTH: Easy there with your jabbering jaw dear lady because one of these days one of the HGs will tell you to STFU and there won’t be enough bandaids to heal the social damage done (+10 points). WA: Now that America’s seen your family on television there’s more to be invested in, and in knowing your mom stalks CEOs of software technology for your marriage prospects (+30 points). WJ: I don’t doubt you can handle yourself come jury speech, but just keep in mind all these Aesop-fabled speeches you’re currently giving may hurt you down the line. (+20 points). Week 3: 60 points // Cumulative: 180 points

SpencerWTH: You managed to keep a low enough profile to ensure Jeremy got the boot while you fell for Helen’s fake tears, and basically you suck (+20 points). WA: Your thanking your former employer on live televisionwho, unbeknownst to you, fired you while you were singing odes to Hitler and expressing your desire to chew on Jessie’s tampons was fun to watch (+10 points). WJ: Considering you can’t win shit, your social game will be your ticket to the jury’s votes. But with all the time the jury has together in sequester they’ll piece together what an a-hole you really are (+10 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 140 points

McCraeJudd

JuddWTH: You’ve had no real enemies and may even have a showmance on the horizon week three, and even your fugly shirt is making its way around to Helen and last seen on McCrae (+30 points). WA: You’re getting an accurate edit, and you should be pretty proud (+40 points). WJ: You’ll do fine come jury time because you can remind them all how level-headed you’ve been in the game, like when Aaryn came to you asking for acknowledgment of how nice she’d been all this last week. You could have laughed in her face and you didn’t, and it’s just that kind of social game that will get you to the end (+30 points). Week 1: 100 points // Week 2: 300 points 

Howard

HowardWTH: You got yourself in a lot of trouble but managed to get yourself out of it, thanks to diary room paranoia and Elissa’s focus on Jeremy (0 points). WA: Clearly Chenbot let you know that you’re labeled “a man of faith” for the season,  and we all love a good man of faith who’s hung like he’s blessed so thank you for dropping the towel this week on the feeds (+50 points). WJ: You’re putting yourself in a shitty position where you’ll have to defend your faith versus lies you told in the house, and it will be a hard jury speech to deliver effectively without being a hypocrite (+10 points).  Week 1: 60 points // Week 2: 220 points

~ ~ ~

Week3Favs

Dear Judd leads this pack in every way, and I never would have imagined this to be the case in pre-season. We’ll see what his HOH reign turns out like. I’d recommend he either backdoor Elissa or break up the last showmance in the house aka Amanda/McCrae…

And before we go…

DIARY ROOM CRACKHEAD OF THE WEEK:

GMQuote

And just because we don’t have enough crackheadedness…here are the “rules” of this week’s Twists aka MVP America:

“The new HOH cannot be nominated, if the HOH or their nominee gets the most votes. The houseguest with the next highest vote total becomes the nominee.”

Clear, right?! Right.

See you next week!

Always dishing,

Jun

 

The Best Napper

FiveK

I don’t remember everything about my kindergarten friends, but I remember I had a lot of them. It’s because I was almost always The Best Napper. I don’t know if other kindergarten teachers rewarded good nappers, but mine did. Mrs. Camper.

TheBestNapper

Every day after lunch and play we’d all take a nap before snack time. The quietest and stillest napper in the room got awoken by Mrs. Camper, and was given a paper mache wand with a beautiful star of aluminum foil at the tip. With this wand The Best Napper would awaken the rest of the class one-by-one, and I took it seriously. I’d even tried to replicate the wand at home just so I could have one, but I was never able to and just ended up wasting foil which was expensive according to my mother.

I wasn’t always The Best Napper, but I held the class record and everyone wanted to be awoken first thus everyone wanted to be my friend. To be awoken first meant you got to roll up your sleeping mat and put it away before everyone else did, and you got to get up off the floor and sit in a chair. How small and simple our pleasures were at age 5.

So began my understanding of how popularity worked. Choosing a chair first meant getting the one closest to where Mrs. Camper would serve snacks. It was always two pieces of fruit, and sitting closer to the sink meant you’d get your fruit first. My friends got their fruit first, and because I was The Best Napper I got the last seat and got my fruit last.

In kindergarten I loved doing it for my friends and they loved me for it. In real life I always do such things for my friends and I love doing it. Like seen in Joy Luck Club, I watched my mother always provide the best quality foods to friends and guests. If ever there was a piece of fruit with a bad bruise, she’d cut it out and eat that fruit herself always leaving the freshest fruit for me and my brother and father.

In Big Brother, you must do such things to get to the end. You have to put yourself first but know when to put yourself second. You have to understand the dynamics of power and find a sweet spot to ride out sociopaths and racists and hair extensions all over the filthy pace. We can call it The Best Floater or The Best Napper but it’s not a bad thing. In fact, if there were no floaters in life we’d all just sleep with our bosses or put out sex tapes or other ridiculous headlines in life to get ahead. Not all of us get ahead the way Julie Chen did, and the more power to her right? Not for me, thanks.

So in this Big Brother 15 season chock-full-of reality television insanity, who’s floating?

Big-Brother-15-House-guest-andy-herren-17

Andy’s floating most of all, and I don’t blame him, because there are 12 Type A personalities in there and 2 Type B-and-a-half. Everyone is floating to some degree because it’s impossible not to. The MVP twist encourages floating in fact, though Elissa winning it every week defeats the purpose of anything good coming out of this new MVP twist.

Always dishing,

Jun

Photo Credit: Thanks to OBB for the most enticing photo of Andy.

Big Brother 15 Bullseye – Week 2

Wk2BB15Bullseye

I said last week: All scores are based on overall strategy in working the house and America and the potential jury. It seems some of you wanted clarification and I was prepared to clarify…and then Julie Chen shows up all over the place with hair so fake and big that her own eyes hurt.

ChenbotWTF

I nearly gave up all together on this season.

But I didn’t.

~ ~ ~

Working the house (“WTH”) would be something like Amanda who is neither vehemently disliked nor cherished, yet she has the ability to work the house on her own without anyone else’s help. Scored 0-4, with zero meaning you suck.

Working America (“WA”) would be something like Helen who is clearly speaking more to America than she is to the diary room when she’s spelling everything out for us with the occasional hair flip for emphasis. Scored 1-3.

Working the potential jury (“WJ”) would be like Howard keeping his cool and thinking long term to jury as he does in life when faced with racism, and he should be commended and not faulted for his repressing his voice because it’s his choice and his choice only. Scored 1-3.

 

Wk2BB15Bullseye

~ ~ ~

Aaryn: WTH: Although the house isn’t seeing what we’re seeing they’re  getting worked up by you rather than worked, but unlike Amanda your actions are bouncing back onto you in a game based on social manipulation and not racial bullying (+10 points). WA: You play the game unaware that a very vocal part of the Big Brother world finds your hate unacceptable, and that your mark on the internet is a dark stain among dirty stains (0 points). WJ: This assumes you make it to the end and you get to meet a jury of people you’ve degraded and disrespected, which is possible given the dynamics in choosing who gets taken to the end, but you will not win because this is not your time to win anything (+10 points). I only hope you face your music hard and swift and apologize to many. Week 1: 20 points // Week 2: 20 points

DouchePOV

Jeremy: WTH: You are working Kaitlin’s house and leaving sex squirts all over the BB house, but your brazenly douchey wearing of the POV around your neck in the hot tub makes you so beneath the rest of the house. (+10 points). WA: You play the game unaware that we hear and see what you’re made of, and that your ego is a magnet for girls who mention their daddies every time they’re about to fake an orgasm. (+0 points). WJ: You seem so equal-opportunity vile that some of the jury may actually appreciate your refreshingly transparent future in which you fail at life (+10 points). I only hope you age the way I think you’re gonna age, and that we all get to see what you look like in 20 years. Week 1: 20 points // Week 2: 20 points

GM

GinaMarieWTH: You’re too busy working Nick into a fatal attraction corner that you suck at working the house to your advantage, and twice in a row you are blindsided because you’re like a blind bipolar bully (+10 points). WA: You may not be getting the edit that dear Aaryn is getting, but you are not working America the way you’re working your imaginary pageant stripper pole (+0 points). WJ: Half the potential jury may let you slip to the end knowing you’re a mental case just in need of some attention, and perfect to sit next to at the end, but no jury would award you a win right now. (+10 points). I only hope someone from New York comes along next season to wash away your New York state of bigoted mind. Week 1: 20 points // Week 2: 20 points

CandiceWTH: Nothing you’ve done or said equals your skin color in the eyes of Aaryn and GinaMarie, but you’ve risen above that and started working the house more, since last week (+20 points). WA: You’re not a super fan but you’re attracting super fans who appreciate what you represent this season, and that you’re not “a Libra” or anyone other black HG who came before you so remember that (+20 points). WJ: You haven’t shown yourself to be untrustworthy in the game yet you’ve had to endure much more than some of the others in the house, so if you should get to the end you have one hell of a jury speech to give (+20 points). I only hope that your mom stops talking to outlets like TMZ about Aaryn being “the devil” and such. Week 1: 20 points // Week 2: 60 points

WHAT

ElissaWTH: You somehow work the house despite your slow and slurred speech and manage to evict your two MVP nominations back-to-back (+40 points). WA: Your constant thanking of America through fake-lashed eyes and mention of “Brenchel Army” makes me gag then dramaticly dry-heave, but I don’t represent America and they’re voting you MVP so… (+20 points). WJ: You will smother the jury about having to beat the odds of being Rachel Reilly’s sister every day just like you’re doing now. (0 points). I only hope the young people watching realize there’s such a thing as too young for botox and implants that make you look like a kewpie doll. Week 1: 40 points // Week 2: 60 points

KaitlinWTH: You’re doing what you probably do every day at work, and that’s survive without leading but following, but you’ll have to be more active in strategy besides swapping spit with Jeremy (+10 points). WA: You’re not as interested in what America thinks of you as you are concerned with what your money-stealing stockbroker dad is thinking about your juicy escapades with Jeremy (+0 points). WJ: You came close in the HOH competition before Helen finally won in the end, but coming close enough in competitions is not going to get you jury votes if you’re already failing at working the house (+10 points). I only hope that your blood test come back clean after all the intimacy with Manimal. Week 1: 40 points // Week 2: 20 points

roar

HelenWTH: You’re working the house in different degrees and managed to work them against Nick despite your being on the block yourself last week, which may come back to haunt you especially after winning HOH this week (+20 points). WA: You’re in pretty good with America despite your incessant crying and soft shell, and it doesn’t hurt that you have Brenchel Army in your corner as back-up (+20 points). WJ: You have a very strong jury speech already despite two weeks of gameplay, and as long as you don’t break down or get caught you will get to meet the jury (+20 points). I only hope that you’ll never have to experience what Candice had to experience this week at the hands of Aaryn and GinaMarie. Week 1: 40 points // Week 2: 60 points

McPizza

McCraeWTH: I hope your pizza is better than your willpower because you spill everything to Amanda as if she owns you, and the rest of the house knows too that you have your “head in a vice” (+10 points). WA: The bad news is that half of America is amused by you but not enough to vote you MVP, and the rest are confused by you but again not enough… (+10 points). WJ: You managed to walk away from your first HOH without getting too much blood on your hands, but the jury knows this is because your hands have been full of Amanda instead  (+20 points). I only hope that she’ll like you just as much as she does now when she finds out you really are a pizza boy. Week 1: 40 points // Week 2: 40 points

AndyWTH: You’re working the house like a red-headed stepchild floater, and your name has never come up for nomination possibilities (+10 points). WA: You haven’t shown America all the big moves and new gay behaviors separating you from past gay HGs, but you haven’t made things too much worse in anyway and we hate that you’re subjected to such hurtful gay jokes in the house (+20 points). WJ: You continue to make your way around the jury pool in the house, and your best argument should you get to the end is that you somehow got to the end (+10 points). I only hope that you’ll orchestrate and fulfill at least one plan of your own this season. Week 1: 40 points // Week 2: 40 points

JessieWTH: This is clearly summer camp for you considering your maturity level is at “bonfires and marshmallows”, yet your playing your role as the summer’s harmless helpless hornball pretty well (+10 points). WA: You just hope your cuteness will win America over while that’s not happening any time soon, because we all know cute is a nice way of saying “pretty but cuckoo” most of the time (+10 points). WJ: Your only possible argument right now should you face a jury is that you’ve kept your legs closed, in theory, and your eyes and ears opened to make it to the end (+20 points). I only hope that you’ll drop the damsel-in-dryspell act so we can see a better side of you. Week 1: 40 points // Week 2: 40 points

boobs

AmandaWTH: Bandaids on boobs or not, you are a force in the house and this season because like it or not you’re working everything and everyone including bandaids (+40 points). WA: America wants to believe that your talk with Aaryn was a genuine one, but the fact that you started it with “I think you’re joking but…” makes me doubt your intentions (+10 points). WJ: You’re walking a fine line between what you leave in the diary room and what you drag outside the diary room, and it will hurt you if you talk too much which you’re prone to doing (+10 points). I only hope that all this attention for your body is doing you some good because you clearly needed to badly put yourself on display. Week 1: 60 points // Week 2: 60 points

SpencerWTH: I believe your sociopathic tendencies are helping you so far in working the house, but your mouth is what’s hurting you despite having fooled most people in the house into thinking you’re just a good guy (+20 points). WA: America is aware of your anti-semitism and otherwise hate for women who are not white, or gay men for that matter, but we just haven’t seen it aired yet on television (+10 points). WJ: You’re already being branded as a snake in the house, and you’ll probably meet it’s sting by way of eviction before you ever meet jury. (+10 points). I only hope that you use your natural thirst for knowledge in a good way when you leave the house. Week 1: 60 points // Week 2: 40 points

NickWTF

Nick: You’re gone. Your speech was so embarrassing I had to look away without so much as a screenshot. Well, one screenshot…of your face with Chenbot announced your eviction.

JuddWTH: You’re the odd-man-out living in a town of not enough gas stations, but you’ve managed to find a neutral zone with everyone in the house early on (+40 points). WA: America may not understand you 100% of the time, but the language of Big Brother love surpasses the need for subtitles this summer (+30 points). WJ: If you get to jury you will surely win and be the sleeper hit of the summer, and deservedly so because your social game is most consistent so far. (+30 points). I only hope you’ve learned that your dream “JoJo” is not GinaMarie. Week 1: 100 points // Week 2: 100 points

HowardWTH: You manage to fit right in despite your size in the Big Brother house, but it’s your presence and not your size that’s playing a bigger roll as you suppress so much in such a short amount of time (+20 points). WA: America seems to be torn between wanting you to stand up against racism, and wanting you to keep the peace, and it’s a blessing and curse to be where you are right now (+20 points). WJ: Whether or not you win any competitions this season, your jury speech will be something I look forward to if or when you get there because you’ll get to explain all your success and failures (+20 points). I only hope Aaryn doesn’t do something to your bible because I fear that will be the last blonde straw that broke Howard’s back. Week 1: 100 points // Week 2: 60 points

~ ~ ~

 

FavsWeek2

This is only the second eviction yet it feels like two years has passed. Holy shit this summer’s going to be a long one…so let’s end this week with a:

DIARY ROOM CRACKHEAD OF THE WEEK:

Crackhead

And for those keeping track…Judd is in the lead with 200 points in two weeks, with Howard following close behind with 160 points. See you all next week for another bullseye blog!

Always dishing,

Jun