I’m funnier when I’m in a good mood. I’m meaner when I’m in a bad mood. I’m calmer when I’m actually freaking out inside. I’m pretty consistent, in life and on Big Brother. BB.
Have I changed since my season four? Yes. No. Yes. No?
We see time and time again that when BB alum return for a second shot, or sometimes even a third, they’re all over the spectrum of how much they’ve changed. It’s always “a lot” or “a little,” for better or for worse, or worst.
But there’s nothing like the first time, is there?
(Special thanks to @89razorskate20)
So let’s start with Frank…
Team: CATEGORY 4: Frank, Bridgette, Michelle, Paulie
Frank: Get your damn feet off the coffee table (-50 points). We are all waiting to see if you can still dominate in challenges like you did you first-time around, because without that you’re just (still) meathead-y, but just four years older. Did you return to your cave after BB14 only to emerge for BB18? By Random Draw you got lucky right away, and then you magically won the first Roadkill and then this last one pretty magically too, and all your wins seem to come from Pandora’s Snatch (-50 points). And it’s great that you slap asses as athletes, and even the asses of your friends who are girls. I’m happy for you all. But why the fuck would you put your hands on a woman’s ass, someone’s mother no less, unless you know that’s okay with her (-100 points)? If your mom was playing Big Brother in the house would you want a man CBS put in there with her, to slap her on the ass? What if that man was black? Listen, you douchebag…men do not get to slap women on the ass, especially a woman you only started living with all of a sudden, less than a month ago. People are very angry about all this, and irrational too, but I’m just keeping it real. You need stronger women in your life. It’s never a bad thing to have too many of. Strong women save lives. You had Boogie, Mike Malin, to guide you your first season, Creepy Uncle Boogie, and now you’re trying to be Boogie this season, and also shouting out the name of his new restaurant on the feeds. Dudes of a feather cock together. I don’t even know what that means but it works for me. Final Tally: -200 points
Bridgette: “I see you around the house. You’re great at this fucking game.” You said this to your dad Frank. Whether you meant it or it was pure strategy, it stroked his meat ego (+50 points). But you’re weird together (-50 points). But I appreciate that you didn’t respond with, I trust you, back to Frank, when he condescendingly creepy uncled you with I trust you (+50 points). Your cute act is vomit-inducing but you’re persistent and determined to make it work and that’s something (+50 points). You literally skipped to the diary room door after voting out Victor on Thursday, like who really skips like that in real life? You are no Shirley Temple, because you drop f-bombs trying to come off as tough, but they fall short of awkward (-50 points). Baking cookies got you compared to me but I’ve only attempted baking maybe a dozen times in my whole life, and never when I was in the Big Brother house. The only other thing I can think of is that we’re both of Asian descent and therefore you will be compared to me forevermore. You should actually be flattered (+50 points). I tweeted once that I’d punch you in your mouth if you ever baby-voiced me to death and apparently some deranged people took it literally, like I go around punching people in the mouth on the regular, and that I’d actually punch you in the mouth if I ever met you. So if you reading this…be careful. Bad fans can be terrible people. Good fans are the best though. Stick with those (+50 points). Your HOH win is great and all (+50 points) but nobody on the jury will give you credit for this week (-50 points) so you need to have a back-up plan if you want to build an actual resume at the end. But your POV win (+50 points) and leaving Bronte up on the block is something of actual substance (+50 points), barely (-50 points). And some more advice…do not bring Frank home to your parents. Ever. He will smack your sister’s ass when he feels comfortable enough to and then smack your mom’s too. Don’t do it girl. Final Tally: +200 points
Michelle: You are an enigma in your own head. But you’re fun to poke fun at (+50 points) and you lucked out on a team that’s keeping you safe as fuck (+50 points). I don’t dislike you but I don’t love you and you always sound at first like you’re trying to hide the sound of your chronic queefs, hoping that nobody heard them. Your issues with food and weight gain are interesting (-50 points). You eat a kiwi whole, fuzzy skin and all, which is actually more nutritious (+50 points), but so…extra (-50 points). Maybe that’s what makes you queef. You seem to actually seek ways to be weird (+20 points), like making up a boyfriend you never had and wow things like that. You actually have a terrible poker face, but you’re not on anyone’s flaming radar so good for you (+50 points). Being insignificant in a social game seems to be your M.O. Final Tally: +120 points
Paulie: I thought you’d be douchier but you’re not, not as much as I thought you’d be, and I’m so relieved for something about this season. So thank you for something (+50 points). You went ahead and took the POV too (+50 points) although I’m not sure you had to (-20 points), but your word “SUSTAINABILITY” was lady boner stuff (+50 points). “I am a fan of spelling.” Yes you are. But your grammar could use some work (-20 points), “I want to nip stuff in the butt.” Taking Paul down with the veto and backdooring Victor came very easy to you (+50 points) and your butt-nipping ways… And your social game is decent, and far more interesting than prank-pulling James (+50 points) which I apologize for setting such a low bar for. Final Tally: +210 points
Team Name: TEAM UNICORN: James, Bronte, Natalie
James: From the moment your face was wedged into Natalie’s perfectly plump ass in that first HOH comp of the season, you dropped Taylor Swift with swiftness. Your drama in the off-season with Meg is only something you two know all the actual details of. But you are the underdog in that tiff and I always root for the underdog (+50 points). But…I don’t know. Is it just me? I wouldn’t want to live day in and day out with a prankster. Who the fuck actually wants that (-50 points)? But still your name isn’t brought up as a target (+50 points) so you’re doing something right. And you live out your creepy Korean uncle fantasies, yay for you, with Natalie, in your head. Because you will not be getting any actual action. I see what you did there sacrificing Victor. But Natalie’s just trying to make Victor jealous by hanging out with you. But I’ll still take your tired old saggy pranks over that big butt meathead Frank though (+50 points). Final Tally: +100 points
Bronte: You’re such a hot mess. Yawning the whole time on the big screen behind Julie Chen during the live show. You make me feel more pulled together (+50 points). Your fakey voices, yes plural, are baffling and annoy me (-50 points). I wonder sometimes if you’re possessed. But you remain relatively safe and your Spy Girls or whatever alliance has worked in your favor this week (+50 points). James creeps you out, and that’s okay (+50 points), I’m just glad you’ve toned down the Aarynistic behavior (+50 points). Final Tally: +150 points
Natalie: “I’m happy to evict Victor!” Julie Chen heard your vote loud and clear. Hey. You are a beautiful beautiful woman and you should NOT feel ugly, ever, whether it’s in that ratchet house or in the real world. Zakiyah and Nicole having wtfmances has got you down? I understand. No. I don’t. I focused on winning, not on some short Korean dude, and CBS tried to distract me they did. But maybe you’ll end up using your fellow Korean HG James like I did my ex, Jee. But you need to stop that shit about feeling fat or ugly (-50 points). You are neither. I got fat but never felt ugly on my season. You are definitely not ugly. Be stronger, woman! And work James all you want (+50 points). It’s not like you’re giving him any milk (+50 points). But you saying you don’t want to put up a girl if and when you win HOH is stupid (-50 points). Don’t be an idiot. Put the makeup down, and put up whomever you have to “if and when” anything. Period. Final Tally: 0 points
Victor: You’re back to zero now that your ass is evicted. I wasn’t even finished looking at you. Life is so unfair. But your Instagram shout-out on live television might have been enough to make me cut you completely. Final Tally: 0 points
Team: BIG SISTER: Da’Vonne, Paul, Zakiyah
Da’Vonne: “I gotta get her before she tries to get me.” This is the most obvious point of the game, yet you and other HGs keep repeating this to us in the diary room (-50 points). Relax. It doesn’t even matter who “her” is because that’s the whole point of the game. But your ass-slapping drama with Frank this week was hard for me to watch, because you do feel like you have so much to prove after your first run where you couldn’t control your emotions. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s keeping you in check. You’ve grown (+100 points). Good for you. You kept your cool when Frank told you he spilled about the 8-Pack to Paulie (+50 points). And you handled Frank as best you could when he continued to meathead-out (+100 points). But you’re willing to lose team members who could possibly up your probability of safety (-50 points) and I hope that doesn’t bite you in the ass. Final Tally: +150 points
Paul: “You dropped all the balls. You blew it.” You were talking about Victor (+50 points), not actual oral sex (-50 points), and it was nice to see you actually have a heart (+50 points). You and Jozea and Victor never had a chance as an alliance (-50 points). You need to work your ass off to make sure Tiffany goes home. I appreciate how raw you are in the diary room (+50 points), and in general (+50 points). I hope you don’t leave, but if you make it to the end you will have quite a list of accomplishments to rattle off to the jury. Good luck. Final Tally: +100 points
Zakiyah: Lots of people are pissed about you (-50 points) referring to Natalie as a “thot.” I thought that was a typo of some sort until I actually Googled it. If that’s all the Natalie fans have got on you, then you’re good (+50 points). Basically I’m just some old BB cat lady at this point having to look up words on the internet. Sigh. But I still find you hot as fuck (+50 points) and I’m mildly jealous that you got a lap dance from Paulie as a birthday gift in the house (+50 points). All I got was half a birthday cake and an ex-boyfriend to yell at. Speaking of which, some plaything of two weeks of your life seems to think he owns you, on social media. It’s cute though. It could have been worse. He could have been uglier (+75 points). Final Tally: +175 points
Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany
Nicole: For whatever reason, including the truth, CBS is editing you as the useless girl who finds Corey dreamy (-50 points). Smack yourself (-50 points). You started off so great (+50 points). And besides that, all CBS could come up with this week was a clip of you choking on water. Is that the extent of your BB legacy? Meatheads and inability to swallow (-50 points)? I never watched your season but I don’t think I need to, to learn anything more about you. Final tally: -100 points
Corey: “I must have a ‘honk if you’re horny’ sticker on my car with all these horns going off. You know what they say…if the RV is a honking, don’t come a-knocking.” Meat (-50 points). Head (-50 points). How many times did you have to try that whole line in the diary room before you got it right? CBS seems to be ignoring your budding bromance with Frank, and I’m sure it’s for a good reason. Final Tally: -100 points
Tiffany: I thought you were supposed to be good at this! Oh. Wait. No. You played the online version of this stuff (-50 points). It’s your sister Vanessa who will be more memorable of the two of you (-50 points) if you don’t actually start doing something besides looking good in jeans. I was actually mesmerized by your hips on Thursday (+50 points). But so far you’re a little underwhelming, even your unintentional impersonations of Vanessa. But do you. Final Tally: -50 points
Julie: You looked good Thursday. Hearing you shout “Kiss My Ace” made my week. But I need to know, who were those ball boys during the comp? Were they gifts from Les?
Paulie remains on top.