Last night’s live eviction was all over the place, but I walked away loving McCrae’s dad and feeling sorry for Julie Chen. Julie’s hair was so bumped up and heavy that it was affecting her speech, like, her extensions must have weighed so much. I never miss a thing when it comes to the Chenbot, and I can tell you no amount of cue cards could have helped last night with all the returning to the rivving room she did. Rivving room? Was that some subliminal racial slip?!
I’m still wondering what the Sultan of Sexy debacle was all about…but I don’t think I’ll ever really know.. But here’s what I do know:
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Aaryn: WTH: Nobody likes you as a person although they pretend to like you as a Houseguest, which makes you perfect to take to the end (+80 points). WA: If you can’t tell by now with all the hints that Big Brother-watching Americans dislike you, then you’re in bigger trouble than I thought once you leave that house (+10 points). CBS is practically writing you out of the reality television script, oxymoron, by letting America choose the third nominee this week instead of the usual Elissa (+10 points). WJ: You are my Ali to take to the end, except if the jury asked me why you didn’t deserve to win over me I’d say, “Because racism shouldn’t ever be rewarded first place in life or in Big Brother, and especially not with $500,000,” or something to that effect (+20 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 80 points
Jeremy: Thanks for making me appreciate just how handsome a man George Washington was compared to you. There’s only one winner in Big Brother which just makes you…another loser. Go do some of that work you’re promising to do “on the inside” and you’ll see you’re not very “intimidating-looking” at all, just tattooed and tall.
GinaMarie: WTH: The house treats you like a mild mental case as it is, but you have a legit strategy on your hands by being so chemically and hormonally imbalanced at the same time. (+30 points). WA: You’re at times such a train wreck that we should look away but we don’t, and so we enable you, yet judge you deliciously harsh here and other parts of the world wide web. (+10 points). WJ: At this point your jury will have to stop laughing at you before you get half-way through your jury speech, which we expect will be in your usual outdated Brooklyn thug language (0 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 80 points
Candice: WTH: You’re not the brightest bulb in the BB15 house, but you’ve squeaked out sympathy from nearly everyone since week one (+20 points). WA: Your gigantic earrings all the time are killing a lot of us slowly but surely, although your live show dress looked so good on you (+20 points). WJ: You’ve been building credibility here and there, and after loyalty that’s the next best thing to have in the house. If you get to the end we’ll see if your pageant skills come out and you get all speak-with-your-eyes on us like you get with Julie Chen. (+20 points). Week 3: 60 points // Cumulative: 140 points
Elissa: WTH: I know it was not easy standing up to everyone in the HOH room and saying “You can’t ask me to do something that I’m not comfortable with.” It’s never easy defending yourself to money-hungry HGs, and I was impressed (+40 points). WA: Your Rachel crying has to go…the one where you guys knit your brows and shut your eyes real tight with your hand at your head? That needs to go (0 points). WJ: If you can’t start talking faster nobody will vote for you. Period. (0 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 140 points
Kaitlin: WTH: You realize you may need to ditch Aaryn, but it may be too late for you seeing as how being the girlfriend of a “competition beast” has rubbed off on you and made you a threat (+10 points). WA: You have a drag queen hand when it comes to applying makeup, and it scares me as well as others and their pets. Take it easy, and maybe without Jeremy around you’ll be more likable (+10 points). WJ: You’ve won a POV competition and taken yourself off the block so early on, and this will be a great argument to have in your pocket should you make it to the bitter end (+20 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points
Helen: WTH: This isn’t Survivor and there is no Stealth ‘R Us going on so stop it. Control yourself woman…you have deals with every HG (+10 points)?! WA: Most live feeds viewers are screaming at their screens for you to shut up, but television-only viewers love you and the edit you’re getting. I’d die before giving the diary room two thumbs up, but that’s just me (+30 points). WJ: Judging from your track record so far I know you’ll most likely give a Dan-esque speech at the end, but if you cry those fake tears you’ll lose them (+20 points). Week 3: 60 points // Cumulative: 160 points
McCrae: WTH: You’re putting both your balls into Amanda’s basket right now with this showmance going on, and it will get you in trouble eventually. Not just in the game, but when you have to cough up that $25K engagement ring she wants (+10 points). WA: We got to see you use the big bad bitch word last night referring to Aaryn, but you’re so whipped by your Queen Amanda that “bitch” doesn’t even sound like a bad word when you say it (+10 points). WJ: You’ll have a hard time convincing any jury that you could’ve gotten to the end without Amanda, but your social game is still good without hers (+20 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points
Andy: I wrote about you already this week in “The Best Napper” in which I defend you and your gameplay despite many calling you “a despicable floater.” I said just two days ago, “Andy’s floating most of all, and I don’t blame him, because there are 12 Type A personalities in there and 2 Type B-and-a-half. Everyone is floating to some degree because it’s impossible not to. The MVP twist encourages floating in fact, though Elissa winning it every week defeats the purpose of anything good coming out of this new MVP twist.” I still mean it. Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points
Jessie: WTH: Your decision to separate yourself from Aaryn was a wise one, as was your decision to attach yourself to Judd now that he’s HOH (+20 points). WA: One day you’ll be more secure in your own skin than you are now, and you’ll understand how many opportunities you’ve missed this summer to actually connect with us watching (+10 points). WJ: I don’t envy you being in a house of so many attractive women what with your fear of them and all, but you’ve managed to score a little bit of sympathy from everyone all around so kudos (+10 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 120 points
Amanda: WTH: Easy there with your jabbering jaw dear lady because one of these days one of the HGs will tell you to STFU and there won’t be enough bandaids to heal the social damage done (+10 points). WA: Now that America’s seen your family on television there’s more to be invested in, and in knowing your mom stalks CEOs of software technology for your marriage prospects (+30 points). WJ: I don’t doubt you can handle yourself come jury speech, but just keep in mind all these Aesop-fabled speeches you’re currently giving may hurt you down the line. (+20 points). Week 3: 60 points // Cumulative: 180 points
Spencer: WTH: You managed to keep a low enough profile to ensure Jeremy got the boot while you fell for Helen’s fake tears, and basically you suck (+20 points). WA: Your thanking your former employer on live televisionwho, unbeknownst to you, fired you while you were singing odes to Hitler and expressing your desire to chew on Jessie’s tampons was fun to watch (+10 points). WJ: Considering you can’t win shit, your social game will be your ticket to the jury’s votes. But with all the time the jury has together in sequester they’ll piece together what an a-hole you really are (+10 points). Week 3: 40 points // Cumulative: 140 points
Judd: WTH: You’ve had no real enemies and may even have a showmance on the horizon week three, and even your fugly shirt is making its way around to Helen and last seen on McCrae (+30 points). WA: You’re getting an accurate edit, and you should be pretty proud (+40 points). WJ: You’ll do fine come jury time because you can remind them all how level-headed you’ve been in the game, like when Aaryn came to you asking for acknowledgment of how nice she’d been all this last week. You could have laughed in her face and you didn’t, and it’s just that kind of social game that will get you to the end (+30 points). Week 1: 100 points // Week 2: 300 points
Howard: WTH: You got yourself in a lot of trouble but managed to get yourself out of it, thanks to diary room paranoia and Elissa’s focus on Jeremy (0 points). WA: Clearly Chenbot let you know that you’re labeled “a man of faith” for the season, and we all love a good man of faith who’s hung like he’s blessed so thank you for dropping the towel this week on the feeds (+50 points). WJ: You’re putting yourself in a shitty position where you’ll have to defend your faith versus lies you told in the house, and it will be a hard jury speech to deliver effectively without being a hypocrite (+10 points). Week 1: 60 points // Week 2: 220 points
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Dear Judd leads this pack in every way, and I never would have imagined this to be the case in pre-season. We’ll see what his HOH reign turns out like. I’d recommend he either backdoor Elissa or break up the last showmance in the house aka Amanda/McCrae…
And before we go…
DIARY ROOM CRACKHEAD OF THE WEEK:
And just because we don’t have enough crackheadedness…here are the “rules” of this week’s Twists aka MVP America:
“The new HOH cannot be nominated, if the HOH or their nominee gets the most votes. The houseguest with the next highest vote total becomes the nominee.”
Clear, right?! Right.
See you next week!